Always an Outsider

[Amethyst Rose]

I'm writing this post right now cuz I'm having a bad day. I know that my depression is acting up and that has a lot to do with it. It comes out as a big pity post...one of those 'do you like me' posts, but that wasn't the intent. Its just something that has to be let out. I might come to my senses and delete this post later. Fair warning.


I'm tired. I'm tired of being an unknown. Tired of always being in the background. Tired of always being ignored. No matter where I go, whether in the real world or online, throughout my entire life I have always been the one who's been overlooked. It's like I'm invisible. People speak over me, or ignore me, or leave me out of conversations, groups or outings.

I mean.... I remember once when I was 18 a group of my friends coming to my house to borrow my football cuz they were driving out to have a fun day at the lake. I wasn't even asked to go with them - and these were my closest friends!

Every single group I join I do so with the goal of becoming part of that group...of being an integral member.... you know...actually be on the inside for once, instead of outside looking in like I am everywhere else.

You'd think that after a life time of this I would get used to it. But no... it hurts just as much now as it did then.

I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could make people actually SEE me. Acknowledge me! And I can hear everyone now, "oh, we see you, we know you're here...", but no, you don't.... not really. I've been here for 4 years....there's only a handful of us 'originals' left here....but is there anyone in that group that's ever really talked with me? Yvonne is the only exception. Is there anyone who's ever been involved in anything with me? Has anyone ever asked for my help, even after it's been offered? Am I needed? Am I important? Does anyone even care?

Why has it been like this my entire life? Why can't I belong anywhere?

[evie_mun]

*Hugs tight* You belong HERE. Right here *Keeps hugging* and you aren't going anywhere! So Nyah!

[Flaire-FireStar]

:hugz: I know how you feel, Amethyst. I've tried to find my niche in just about every place on here and still come up empty-handed. I've been friends with, and stopped being friends with just as many people. It's about the same with real-life and my friends in the physical. I find that I can't relate to anyone out here.

:whatmewor I figure I was meant to be a loner or something to that effect. :

[Imbrium]

...Sometimes there are no words that can make someone feel better.

I too have mulled over the exact same problem, and to this day I've never been able to belong anywhere. It's been nearly 30 years and I've just now come to terms with it.

Still, as I look back on my life I realize that it's given me some wonderful advantages. I've been forced into independance and am finally able to life my life free from the pressures that belonging to a group of friends can place upon someone...ironically, it's only now that I've begun to have people step up and notice who I am. Whether it's at school or at work.

Perhaps you simply need to shake off the idea that you are important only if other people notice you. Well, it's not simple, so let me rephrase: You are important whether people give a damn or not. And once you develop that aspect of yourself, people will stand up and take notice.

:hugz:

[Darakash]

Well, I know you said not to say this...but I really DO notice you and listen to you. In fact, if you look at my post of 101 reasons I come to MW Here: 101 reasons (http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?p=1748683#post1748683) you will see that you are number 66 on that list. And I posted that back in April, so this isn't a sad attempt to cheer you up!

Secondly, though, I would like to say that I do understand what you are saying. I often feel, though I think I make some good points, offer support and advice, contribute intelligently, etc., that I am somewhat invisible at here. I guess I am just surprised to see YOU say this, because you don't seem that way to me! Maybe it is a perception thing. Maybe we don't feel like we are noticed because we assume we are not...who knows!

Anyway, I have and do listen to what you have to say, and I often agree with you. I don't seek any particular individuals out from which to seek help or advice, but if I did, you would more than likely be one of them!

[Teresa]

:hugz: AR, I notice You, and the things You post.I read alot of Your things in the Tarot section and in the Circle of Teaching. I believe it was yesterday I was reading a thread started by you about pricing tarot decks. I know there is another section I hang out in where I have noticed and read Your posts also. I am not a tarot expert .I just read them for fun and for people close to me.You would not see me post much other than to comment on a deck of cards etc,But I am there and I notice You and I always thought You fit in perfect. I have learned some things from You on these boards.Do not feel like an outsider,I see You as an old timer here on MW and You share Your knowledge with others very often.You and others are pieces of the fabric that holds MW together and makes it feel homey.:hugz: Chalk it up to just having a bad day .You matter here and although I never said it before now Thanks for sharing Your knowledge with us here! I have learned from it.

[Strega Del Vento]

Amethyst, I always notice you as well. And you are one of the people whose posts I really look forward to reading. You DO belong somewhere---HERE!

Don't feel bad about posting this. I'm sure that many of us feel like an outsider at various times in our lives. But for every single place you feel you don't fit in at, there are 10 where you do! This is one of them!

(((Tight Hugs)))

[frigga]

I know exactly what you mean, though for me it has a reason behind it...military makes me move! But I will say that I have noticed you for a while, I even remember what you had to say before you had your boy! I think there are many of us that are looking for "our" place. I must say I have only found it in the places I never think to look! My family and nature have been my only source of support and acknowdgement ( though it's not always want we want). I know it sounds sappy and isn't much of a uplift, I still need more at times, but you're the one that can really make you feel part of something. At least that's the realization that I've had to come to. No matter how hard I try and make new friends, include myself, and be part of a "team", I never feel like I really am. Is it something we hold back on unconciously? Are we boring? DO we not add to anything? All questions I've asked myself, and still aren't sure of. Maybe we should start our own "outsiders" club to find our place! At any rate, I hope your able to find peace with it. It doesn't make it any easier, but at least I feel better about the person I am.
Hugs :loveduv:

[merlo]

Hey there Amethyst Rose :hugz: !!!
I have prob's with depression too, if that's any consolation. I know it's prolly not, but hey, I'm here for ya the best I can. I'm usally cutting up, being idiotic. It seems to be what I do best :flowers: I rarely connect with people also, although I seem to have alittle better ratio of making friends here on M/W. Sometimes ya just gotta put yourself out there, like you're doing now, and people will come to ya. I'm amazingly challenged, :fpartyhat but I try not to let it hold me back having fun with life. I hope you make some new friends with your thread!!! :fpeace:

[~*Ginger*~]

:hugz:

[Brielle LaLune]

Amethyst Darlin, I love ya!! I truly do! I know how you feel though...I too, have been in these situations...but remember...You certainly weren't ignored the night you and I went out together... I seem to remember a certain someone getting a spanking!! Heehee!

Anyway..you know where I am if ever you need me. You really are a wonderful person and I am soooo happy to have had the chance to meet you. Chin up, sugar...there are brighter days ahead. I will be sending you goodness. :heartthro

[Koehnae]

Amethyst, I know how you feel. I've been there my whole life. I have days when I want to just walk out in the street and scream at the top of my lungs, "I'm here, dangit!"

:huddle: Just know that I am among the people who notices you. As I drift away and come back, your posts are always there... full of insight compassion, and friendship.

[SilverClaw]

Why has it been like this my entire life? Why can't I belong anywhere?
hey Amethyst Rose I do not have any words of wisdom for you but your not alone feeling this way. I have been asking myself the same questions for the past 3 weeks. So I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

Stay strong Hugs to you
Hymnia

[Amethyst Rose]

:hugz: All of you are really wonderful friends.....I'm lucky to have you.

I've started this second sentence 5 times now, trying to say something just right, but it won't come out the way I want it. So I'll just stick with, "thanks" :)

[MockingbirdOxygen]

:hugz:

wow, I always feel like an outsider myself, but I've always thought of you as totally belonging whenever I've come across your posts... so I'm a bit surprised to hear your thoughts! But oh well, I guess everyone does feel that way at one time or another, too...

And I'm sorry if I've never tried to get to know you more myself(ironically, I have recently been chalking you up to being a coincidence connection for me, because your post is the one I came across when I did a search on the author of a book I'm reading by Oriah Mountain Dreamer... hehe, but that's a whole 'nother story... I did karma you for that, didn't I?)
however... if people don't strike up a conversation with me, I tend to have an inferiority complex anyways and so I assume they just don't like me or wanna talk to me...:hehehehe: unless I'm on a sugar high and my antics spill over into actually initiating conversation with people during that phase...lol
:hugz: hope you get some relief from your depression soon :hugz:

[Temptation]

I always read your posts in the Tarot section. I think that you're a very important member of this community. You're not invisible at all! :hugz:

[arienh]

Amythest, I know exactly how you feel and it's awful. People go further than not seeing me, they actually walk into me LOL. And right there I have proof of how invisible I think I am. :sick:

It may not mean much coming from me who none of you would recognise (damn lurking!) but I think you are one of the integral members of MW. I always read your posts and I think you are a very intelligent, beautiful person. And I'm sure every single other MW member feels the same even if they don't tell you :hugz:

[MoonDragn]

I know exactly how you feel Amethyst, I think its just the way some of us are. I am happiest when I am alone, yet I always feel left out. In truth, sometimes you leave behind more of an impression than you realize. It is those of you that are individuals in a crowd of people that are unique. Because you stay true to yourself no matter what the crowd does. Those are the people I value most, you are not alone though, we're all here for each other.

[Etoile]

:hugz: I always enjoy reading your posts, too. We love you here!! :)

[ravenmyst]

I dont fit either, :hugz: you are a noticable person

[Khuinaset]

I'm writing this post right now cuz I'm having a bad day. I know that my depression is acting up and that has a lot to do with it. It comes out as a big pity post...one of those 'do you like me' posts, but that wasn't the intent. Its just something that has to be let out. I might come to my senses and delete this post later. Fair warning.


I'm tired. I'm tired of being an unknown. Tired of always being in the background. Tired of always being ignored. No matter where I go, whether in the real world or online, throughout my entire life I have always been the one who's been overlooked. It's like I'm invisible. People speak over me, or ignore me, or leave me out of conversations, groups or outings.

I mean.... I remember once when I was 18 a group of my friends coming to my house to borrow my football cuz they were driving out to have a fun day at the lake. I wasn't even asked to go with them - and these were my closest friends!

Every single group I join I do so with the goal of becoming part of that group...of being an integral member.... you know...actually be on the inside for once, instead of outside looking in like I am everywhere else.

You'd think that after a life time of this I would get used to it. But no... it hurts just as much now as it did then.

I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could make people actually SEE me. Acknowledge me! And I can hear everyone now, "oh, we see you, we know you're here...", but no, you don't.... not really. I've been here for 4 years....there's only a handful of us 'originals' left here....but is there anyone in that group that's ever really talked with me? Yvonne is the only exception. Is there anyone who's ever been involved in anything with me? Has anyone ever asked for my help, even after it's been offered? Am I needed? Am I important? Does anyone even care?

Why has it been like this my entire life? Why can't I belong anywhere?

I'm sure this sounds cliched...but I know *exactly* how you feel. I get frustrated with not being noticed at almost every place I go to, unless it's just really tiny or I'm one of the "originals". Fortunately, it's usually just in my head. It feels like I've finally found a great home at another forum, and if nothing else my own niche of people who know me here at MW. :) And...if it makes you feel any better...I actually think of you as one of the more noticable, "bigger"(as in, popular everyone-knows-her/him) people at MW. If nothing else, I look at your sig and see all the CoT links and think "she must be SO patient!" :lol:

*hugs* I hope you get to feeling better!

[Happy Shrew]

I had this issue for years, too. The strange thing is that, if you think and act like you're totally awesome, people tend to buy it. Just remember that awesome doesn't equal better than everyone else.

[halfwaynowhere]

I know how you feel, sometimes one of my friends will have a party and completely forget to invite me... its not until the next day when somebody else IMs me asking why i wasn't there... or they will openly talk about an upcoming get together around me, but never do they ask me to come, or even tell me the details... I got so used to it after the first few times... and then a different friend every year would tell me he was going to throw me a birthday party with a DJ and everything, (his uncle is one, and he has other connections)... then he doesn't even remember to call me and tell me happy birthday. but this isn't about me, i'm just letting you know you aren't the only one, don't feel so alone... the human race can be so unkind sometimes, its just nature i guess...

[McDarvin]

Aww amethyst, I think you're really a great person. And I notice you all the time. That's why I asked for your guidence :D

I truley believe and look at you like your an elder here, You know what your talking about. :hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:

[LyraDragonStar]

don't feel bad!! :hugz: We know what you're talking about..really, I'm sure a lot of us do. But look at what you have. A wonderful family-or so it seems. A beautiful little boy...I've seen his picture in your avatar if I'm right. And you have us. I've never looked over you. I respect you and adore you more than a lot of people on here! :hugz:

[Amethyst Rose]

Thank you everyone for being so caring and supporting. :) I just woke up and it looks like today will be a better day....the issue that set me off yesterday doesn't seem as big this morning.

Thanks again for putting up with my whiny rant. *Big hugs* to every one of you.

[Nighthawk]

I am glad you are better today. I really worry about your mood swings. May I suggest using a diary or a Xanga for keeping tabs on them? Anyway, I am here..

[Amethyst Rose]

I actually have two online journals and one paper one, but they never get used..... cuz I'm scared that someone I know IRL (you know, friends, family, my husband, who I've given the addresses to) will find them and read the things I say when I'm down....and I don't want anyone to get hurt, not to mention I don't want anyone to know that I'm not happy all the time. Kinda screwy, I know. I post here cuz I know no one comes here and no one will see it..... I've considered starting up a MW journal though....maybe I will.

[Kalika]

:hugz:

You belong HERE. :)

I value your opinion, and read most all of your posts, even though I don't always respond.

I know how you feel. And I know it gets to the boiling point where you just HAVE to say something sometimes... vent, or its going to eat you up inside.

:huddle:

[Xentor]

I agree with Kalika. You belong, Amethyst Rose. You belong with MW.

:hugz:

[Amethyst Rose]

Thanks Xen... *hugs* :)

[Nighthawk]

Amethyst, I would happily start a Xanga for you and set it up for you, if you ask. The good thing about those is you have a choice on EACH entry whether it is public or private.. so, theoretically you could have a book you are writing in private and a diary that is public. They are free and I have done a few and could save you hours of time. lemme know...

[Amethyst Rose]

Actually, I have a Xanga account..... I didn't know that you could do that, though. Heh, I guess I should go take a look at it again.... it's been many months. Thanks! :)

[Nighthawk]

Ahh, oh yes, you really can.. Three levels, public, private and protected.. (Only friends can see) I have become pretty good at the color schemes and all. mine is nightmare58

[Amethyst Rose]

that's one thing I could definately use help with....color schemes.... mine's just plain old white cuz I know nothing about that kind of thing.

Um....can't remember my Xanga name....it's got something to do with an amethyst and a rose (as all my internet stuff does), but I'm not exactly sure what.... I'll have to go digging.

Edit: woo, I found it.... amethyst_roseca....last updated September 3, 2004 :)

[Nighthawk]

I found three
AR, AR 09, AR 13

[Amethyst Rose]

uh... excuse my blond moment, but....you found 3 what?

[Nighthawk]

AMethyst roses in xanga.. the three in the above post. Is one of them the right one?

EDIT...Oh, my bad. you found it.. coolio

[Semele]

I've been here for 4 years....there's only a handful of us 'originals' left here....but is there anyone in that group that's ever really talked with me? Yvonne is the only exception. Is there anyone who's ever been involved in anything with me? Has anyone ever asked for my help, even after it's been offered? Am I needed? Am I important? Does anyone even care?

Yes. I have expressed my own concern to you before I know. I do very much care for you and your safety and well being and that of your family. I have seen your pain and struggling very clearly over the four years I have known you. I do not say much because there is very little that I can say to help you. I can only do what I have done, which is to make suggestions.

There is a very evident pattern in your posts and you name it yourself. You are asking for help, but it is ultimately you who has to accept what is offered. Please don't be angry at me for pointing this out...or do if you need to but,


I just woke up and it looks like today will be a better day....the issue that set me off yesterday doesn't seem as big this morning.


What about the next time you just wake up feeling the other way? Do you want to spend the rest of your days gambling with which way you will "wake up" You can and do have control over these things Hun. Take it.

[Valkie]

Always been an outsider myself. Even the places that I know I belong, I never really seem to fit in.

There are days that I just don't want to talk... or be social. So I have my little bar that I go to. I worked there for a couple of years, am friendly with a good 80% of the patrons. I can show up, get my beer, sit down and be left alone for hours if I want to. When ever someone comes up and tries to talk with me or asks me to sit with them, I politely decline and tell them that I'm having an anti-social moment. Couple of hours later, my mood will lift and I'll start talking and socializing again. I know that I belong there... it's as much a home to me as MW is but my mood dictates if I'm an outsider or not. Even if I know that I belong, I feel like I don't.

My mortality hits me and I realize that I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. No matter how much I belong, I know that life will go on without me... sorry, I'm probably not helping things...

[Earthy]

I could have posted this myself, i never feel i belong.
My feelings fluctuate from happy to manic depression where i think nobody cares or would even notice i had gone..but people would.

And so many people would notice you're not here too, i know i would.
Your posts are always interesting and informative..i love reading your posts, even if i don't respond to many of them.
I still feel such a newbie sometimes..but i do notice you.:hugz:

[CzechWoods]

the question is: is it really good being an insider
or better for that matter

[Willow Rosette]

Im so sorry I did not see this sooner or I would have responded. I agree with Darakash I always thought of you as an Elder or someone who is like so much a part of MW it would be hard to be here with out you. I love learning from you and the way you teach makes me so excited to move on to the next lesson. After all how often have I emailed you with an Im sorry to bother you email? lmao There is no one I would be more honored to light a candel for. I light it and hope you have many more up days than down.

[evilslinkycat]

I know how you feel all too well. :hugz:

[WynnJera]

AR .... I love you ... you are not an outsider to me .... I need you .... I love you :hugz: .... I could have never gotten through JD's crap of it were not for you ... you are a true friend hun and I am here for you just as much ... I hope you know that.... all you have to do is ask ....

PS ... I still have your gifts here waiting ... wink wink nudge nudge _pounce_

[Cinnamon Girl]

:hugz: I've felt that way before both IRL and online (I just came back to MW after a couple months without a single PM or 'are you OK' inquiry, lol) but I don't mean to belittle your hurt or make you think I know what you're going through. I've read through several of this thread's posts and people are pretty much expressing what I think. To me, you are one of the handful of 'backbone' people of MW and one of those whose presence is known by many here, regardless of whether or not they engage you in conversation.

I know you didn't post this as a pity thread, but I hope the responses cheer you up and make you realize how special you are. :)