Garbage

[Necrosapien]

Grillin' my mind and watching the fat drip off...I'm losing it. I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn't abusive. I'm afraid of losing my girl. I deserve it, definately. No one could argue with that. I want to change so bad but have no motivation at all. I'm losing my life (like I ever had one) to something I don't even know exists. I'm lost and scared and I feel alone. I see everyone around me but I'm isolated and lonely. I'm abusive to exert control over others. I need to control something because I can't control my own life. So I control others. I'm wrong, screwed up, and in pain. I'm not dealing with it properly. Everyone has been right in saying that I need prof. help. Even I knew that. I ca'nt bring myself to it, though. Why? Why can't I just admit that I need help? I've done it before. I know that I'm a loser and don't deserve her. I know I"m just like my father. I know I'm f*cked up beyond belief. I feel like I can't change, so why bother. I love her but I can't show it. I just hurt her and I hate myself for it. I hate myself because I feel like I"m nothing. I hae no original thoughts, feelings, or emotions. I'm just a cookie-cutter of what everyone wants me to be. I think I try to appease everyone's expectations or what I think they expect. I am not a normal member of society. Anyone can see that. My parents don't care. They won't take the drastic measure of committing me...I won't do it. I know if they did, I'd hate them. But I WANT them to commit me... I feel like to completely different ppl. I feel like there's one half, and then the other that completely opposes it. It plays the devil's advocate to the other half. I don't value my identity as an "individual". I have way more problems than anyone could deal with or fix. I don't have enough balls to do anything about getting help of any sort, that and I have a pride issue. I want to escape from life. I want to returen to my fantasy world again. Screw real life. Nothing can hurt me when I'm not real. If I just live in my head, everything will be okay. I can be happy again. Fricking A, report me then. "Some psychologically derranged individual is posting some scary sh!t on MW!" *Says to Cops* Cops/mental ward comes and puts in straight jacket and hauls away. Man feels hurt by friends and family because he feels like they rejected him. He knows that's not why they did it, but he can't help but feel it. They haul him to a place where he's lonely and has to talk to someone he doesn't like about his problems. He stays there, and then he dies. Great, that's just what I need. Losing my mind. Just typing a random rant. Nothing will change. I can't change. Not even though I want to. I can't get better, I can't live life properly. I feel rejected and a failure. Gonna get myself locked up if I can't gain control. My mind isn't my own. My feelings aren't my own. My emotions aren't my own. Nothing about me is real. Nothing about me exists. I have no personality. I have no likes/dislikes, no needs or wants. My brain is not my own. My body is not mine, my soul is not mine. I am not who I thought I was. I am noghitng, just bits and pices that belong to everyone else. I cannot function on my own. I depend on everyone else. I don't need a friggin mental ward...I need a gd break from life. I want to escape from reality until i figure out who I am and how to deal with things. Then I can come back and fix the remaining aspects of my lfe. Admitting myself anywhere woudn't do anything anywasy. It wouldn't be= long eonugh to get any answers. I'm sad. I just want this all to end. The pain and the suffering I put on others and myself; it needs to end... I don't know how. The only option that keeps pestering me is suicide. I can't do that. It's dumb and I don't wanna. I know somehow I can live. There's hope, but I don't know how to get from point A to point G. No one else is like me. No one else can comprehend my friggin insanity. I'm not normal. I don't care if no one is "normal". Sleep is like death withought the commitment. What did I expect. Knowing that I'll rest for 6 hours brings peace. Unfortunately, sometimse death does too. Frck' A...people are going to turn me in. I hate this...I can't make up my mind aobut anything. My life is non-existent and so is everything else. I don't care anymore. I'm going to bed. Screw this, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Give me all the karma hugs you want, it's not going to help.