alone in our green place

[Shimmerpaw]

So I return to this place once again my Lady,my Lord please forgive my abscence during the last year,I had so much to try and sort out emotionally,financially and spiritually thank you for never leaving my side even in my darkest times,your soft feathers and fur cloaked and guarded me from the world,and now,where to go? and what to do?
I waited so long to be free and now I am,my soul aches for the one who is always in my heart and spirit,keep him safe and help him return to his former self,hopefully he'll return to me even if its just as a friend and as for myself maybe they are right I should move on but how can I move on from the man who calls to everyside of me,who understands my doubts,my beliefs,my fears and never judges me for being less than perfect,to whatever lies ahead,I only hope I'm strong enough,thank you for being with me always,I remain yours.

[Shimmerpaw]

I don't know what to do for the best,really part of me wants to ring you and scream at you for abandoning me and yet my heart bleeds at the thought of what you went through watching her fade and die,I totally understand why you aren't here right now but it hurts so much,to know you're in pain and not be able to help,to feel your prescence in my house as you watch over cub,it tears me up inside,I went out last night for the first time in ages,it was fun but all I thought of for most the night was how I wished you were there too,I feel as though life is passing me by,yet all I can do is just sit and wait,to see if you return to my side once the grieving has passed,I feel numb most of the time,theres so much I want to say and share with you,and you promised me so much with all your plans and hopes for our future,it was hard not to fall for you again,you're so easy to love baby,please My Lord and Lady,keep him safe and well untill the hurt fades and he can find a reason to live again.blessings.

[Shimmerpaw]

Its been a very long lonely day,I'm so cold and tired today,my energy has been non existant,I'm off to journey for a while and then sleep within my nematon,maybe tonight I'll get some answers,please be gentle with me whilst I walk within the astral plane for I don't know how much strength I have left, My Lord and Lady watch over my child as she is away from home and protect her from harm,my thanks as always.

[Shimmerpaw]

I'm so lost right now,I don't know where to turn or what to do,I try to let go of my anger but to be honest that might be the only thing keeping me going right now,I wish for so many things but none more than just hearing from you and knowing you're okay,I don't care about much anymore,my daughter is my life,my light,you were my energy,my warm darkness,nothing flows right at present,we need to resolve this and soon before we can go anywhere,or maybe its just me stuck holding on to this hurt and you've moved on already?I just need some answers,journeying doesn't help and only you have the answers to end this cycle or begin a new one,help please,somebody,somewhere listen and just ******* help me here...

[Shadowsong]

Aw, honey... :hugz: I feel for ya, I really do.

[Shimmerpaw]

Too long and far apartI lay awake at night wondering what you're doing,if you're crying the pain out of your soul or sitting numbly playing a console game,Jeez I even think about being with someone else but I feel like I would be betraying you...I'm so messed up,I don't know what to do right now,I'm so alone in my own sorrow in this mess,cub wants to know why you've gone away,she fears its because you don't love her anymore,like her father,I should be doing so much more with my time but I pine for what we had,even just the thought of your voice makes me cry,this feels so unfair,after what we both paid to be able to try and be together and now we're farther apart than ever,I know nothing more than I have to just sit and hope one day you get back in touch,
I found myself screaming at My Lady the other night,fortunately she understands my ways just as you do,something really odd though I think I saw"her"passing that night too,it was unnerving and yet somehow painful and peaceful at the same time but cloaked within raven wings and sight,I finally understood why this has taken so long to come into being...
Please Lady Morrighan guard over his spirit till he crosses back from his sorrow,Herne watch over your chosen one till his strength returns....and if you can spare some guidance please send it/someone my way,my thanks,your daughter.

[Shimmerpaw]

Tonight my Lady I feel scared,confused and cold,like I will never be warm again,like all the monsters in the dark are real and yet I can't find a safe place to hide,I should be celebrating really,its been three months since I managed to quit taking my prozac and I'm okay,I'm here and functioning,the world didn't disappear around me,its not perfect,I still have off days but I'm getting there but instead I'm so lost tonight*sighs*I wonder if I will ever be happy again,you know just be content with my life,I haven't for about 8 mths ever since we became me really,I don't know what I want anymore from life or from him,to be honest if he came back to me,I'd probably end up telling him to leave,I can't survive being hurt like this again,its odd,how things change,I mean I used to want it all,big house,flash car,the works,now I just want a future and a family,someone to come home to and share my life with,the simple things really are my true pleasures in life,watching my cub smile as she finally rode her bike alone,watching my lover sleep peacefully beside me,tending the garden where my weeds grow faster than my flowers,it may be naive and simple but thats what I want,I'm tired of feeling alone and lost,I want my pack back together and for good,there has to be a way around all this complicated **** and at the end of the day on nights like these I just want someone to hold me and make the world fade away.......please give me strength tonight to face the cold numbness within me.

[Shimmerpaw]

I was journeying last night,working for a friend who has just lost someone very close to her,as I felt a pull by my guides to come back and quick,it scared me to be honest,it was so sudden,and then I caught his scent and realised why,I couldn't figure out why he was there,he's been gone so long so I wound things up and promised to finish the rite off another night and I come round in my room and realise I'd missed his phone calls and the answering service with his message,lol who needs an answering machine with guides like mine,but I didn't call him back,figured it was too late and plus I was scared too,what am I supposed to say after so long,oh ****** it,help me please,I can't find the words to even pick up the phone,damn coward huh?help me find the bard within once more,blessings,your daughter.

[Shimmerpaw]

I seem to be wandering round in a daze over the last week or so,I've got nothing done and I feel so cold and detached,I've still not picked up that phone yet,everytime I do,I feel the makings of a panic attack creeping up on me,I'm not sure if this no medication thing is going to last at this rate,I thought it was what I needed to feel more in control but now it just makes me nervous the thought of not having them to rely on,Goddess please help me through this,blessings.

[Shimmerpaw]

Forgive me for losing it last night,I had all intention of paying tribute and I lost it,I couldn't find my way,Gods I am so distracted right now,nothing reaches me at present,please make this mood of shifted before my daughter returns home,my thanks and blessings as always even if I do **** it up at times.

[Shimmerpaw]

I just don't understand how life suddenly got this damn confused and complicated,apart from that I really don't know what to say or do :(

[Shimmerpaw]

Again I have been away too long,too many doubts,too many unanswered questions,I hate this,this feeling of uncertainty,I pray for guidance and nothing happens,once upon a time I only had to raise my head skyward to find that which I needed,I have knelt and let the earth take all I have and still nothing,I follow the same path as always,what has changed that you ignore me now?
I know I am lost but never before have you left me for so long and so cold,the trees whisper their secrets but they are not mine to share anymore,you took this from me,the same way you take everything I am and wrap it around yourself to warm your cold spirit at my expense,I'm sick of this,I'm being treated like a petulant child,you know my heart,my spirit,my mind and now you betray me even deeper,I will care for you no longer and lock any feelings I have for you in a place where you can never reach them and use them against me,I thought it was grief that made things like this now I see it was your own selfish agenda,your needs,your wants that mattered...

I am done with you,so f*** you and the gods take you to where They wish you to be...You may have used me and I don't know if you are done with me but I know They are not,please my Lord and Lady,give me the strength to finish this and be myself once again,always your daughter,my blessing and power I give to you,all I have you give to me,all I am I give in return.....