Crisis of "faith"!!! WAH!

[Shadowsong]

This was another thread, but it was pointless I've realized so I'm trying again. Like with everything else.
I haven't been on my path very long, but I'm beginning to realize that 'religion' isn't for me. I've been spiritual all along, but I've found out I can't do this, I can't say I'm something I'm not. This is the second time it's happened, but... I'm worried that I've screwed up. Morrigan has been with me since I dedicated myself to Her, but as much as I find comfort in Her nothing else about my so-callled 'path' seems to fit. I'm really thinking about seeking out other beliefs, I don't know if I want religion or just a spiritual path, but I can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. I feel like I've grown so much in the past six months, when I first dedicated myself to Her. I swore and oath of blood, which in hindsight really wasn't too smart, as much as it tied me to Her. Now that I'm having a crisis of faith (is it really 'faith?' What the hell is it I'm looking for then??) I really can't bear the thought of 'abandoning' Her, mostly because I'm so scared She won't understand and I'll piss Her off, and that if somehow I end up back 'here' (to this point) She won't be here for me, because I love Her to death (no pun intended) but honestly I just don't feel like my 'faith' is right for me. I still hesitate to call it faith, as I really just can't... deal with 'religion', because it just doesn't work for me.
I don't know what to believe, IF I should believe, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I honestly was thinking of going to a unitarian church and just meditating on the Divine in its simplist form, hoping to get some sort of a sign...
Alright, i'll shut up. I really don't know. But can someone just... help me? Give me a little insight? Heck, if you've worked with Morrigan, how do you think She'll react? I don't even know if this is posted in the right place but I'm just so ready to just give up on this whole deal because I don't even know what the hell I'm doing anymore and... yea. :wah2: :wah:
Oh, and I know this seems so little compared to everyone else's troubles, and I know that everyone goes through this crap, but still... I'm so freaking lost and I honestly don't know what to do.

[CzechWoods]

This was another thread, but it was pointless I've realized so I'm trying again. Like with everything else.
I haven't been on my path very long, but I'm beginning to realize that 'religion' isn't for me. I've been spiritual all along, but I've found out I can't do this, I can't say I'm something I'm not. This is the second time it's happened, but... I'm worried that I've screwed up. Morrigan has been with me since I dedicated myself to Her, but as much as I find comfort in Her nothing else about my so-callled 'path' seems to fit. I'm really thinking about seeking out other beliefs, I don't know if I want religion or just a spiritual path, but I can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. I feel like I've grown so much in the past six months, when I first dedicated myself to Her. I swore and oath of blood, which in hindsight really wasn't too smart, as much as it tied me to Her. Now that I'm having a crisis of faith (is it really 'faith?' What the hell is it I'm looking for then??) I really can't bear the thought of 'abandoning' Her, mostly because I'm so scared She won't understand and I'll piss Her off, and that if somehow I end up back 'here' (to this point) She won't be here for me, because I love Her to death (no pun intended) but honestly I just don't feel like my 'faith' is right for me. I still hesitate to call it faith, as I really just can't... deal with 'religion', because it just doesn't work for me.
I don't know what to believe, IF I should believe, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I honestly was thinking of going to a unitarian church and just meditating on the Divine in its simplist form, hoping to get some sort of a sign...
Alright, i'll shut up. I really don't know. But can someone just... help me? Give me a little insight? Heck, if you've worked with Morrigan, how do you think She'll react? I don't even know if this is posted in the right place but I'm just so ready to just give up on this whole deal because I don't even know what the hell I'm doing anymore and... yea. :wah2: :wah:
Oh, and I know this seems so little compared to everyone else's troubles, and I know that everyone goes through this crap, but still... I'm so freaking lost and I honestly don't know what to do.


Maybe you dedicated yourself to the wrong aspects of Morrigan. Or maybe your soul was never meant to be dedicated to Morrigan, or maybe something completely different

First off: every crises is a crises situation for the person in midth of it. Dont try compare your stuff to other peoples issues, because if it bothers you that much, it is worth asking for help, than its bad enough anyway.

I dont see a hierarchy of troubles


BACK to your issue. If you feel - that the dedication to Morrigan (in the definitions you use) was a mistake, than you can try to take it back. Appologize to her, thank her for the help so far, and take your oath back. It isnt easy to do, but it is possible. The taking back of an oath isnt comming free, especially as you did a blood dedication, but it is possible - and if your diversities with said deity are great enough, a break up along those measures is due anyway

It is possible though, that your definied Morrigan did make you grow TOO fast, and now you feel a kind of void. Imagine it like if someone had taken you by car to a mountain, than you d be gone far without the substance - which leaves the experience kind of hollow, empty - it hasnt been filled with life = experience (yet). If that was the case, you should rather ask for a little time out, so you can digest that which has happened the past 6 month.

Before deciding what to do or not, you should start getting answers to your questions. As the Your Defined Morrigan is part of the question-complex I would NOT consult Her in the divination process at all, but instead - if necessary other deities

Before doing any steps do divination from now on. And learn from your experience as well: never dedicate yourself too easily, and dont make oaths too easily

[wolf]

First off, take a few deep breaths.

What is spirituality to you, and what is religion? Is your crisis related to what you see as a separation between these two terms? Most of our experience of religion is based on the Judeo-Christian model, which is, IMHO, rather deterministic and rigid. A lot of people that I know that are on a variety of pagan paths make a point of discussing their spirituality rather than their religion, when religion is really what they mean.

What do you want from your expression of your faith?

What is the strength that you derive from your bond with your patrons? What are the weaknesses?

This is enough of a bit to chew on for now, I think.

[wolf]

And learn from your experience as well: never dedicate yourself too easily, and dont make oaths too easily

Excellent advice!

And also, know both sides of the deal ... what you get as well as what you will owe ... before accepting/taking such an oath.

[Shadowsong]

Everything you guys said is true, and I thank you for it.
I still don't know. I love my Goddess but then I ask myself, "Why, when I have a breakdown, do I always, inevitably, invariably question my beliefs and draw the conclusion that I'm screwing up and just not in the right place spiritually?" I think someone's trying to tell me something if that keeps happening, and if I've already tried to find 'faith' before. I thought I was Buddhist for a long time and then realized I was just slapping a label on myself and not doing anything (I know I'm going to get some really bad karma for that...)
I think what I may be looking for is _structure_. Organization of some sort. I don't know much about the Unitarian Church but my dad had suggested a while ago when he first saw my altar that I go there, and that I gain what guidance I can. His words seem like such a warning and honestly I think it must have been prophetic because it's hitting me in the face now: "Religion without human guidance isn't a smart thing." (This is coming from the man my mom calls the 'flaming atheist'...heh.) But it's true. I read and thought I knew what I was doing, and believe me I've read plenty, but I think I've just reached the conclusion that, as much as I love Morrigan and appreciate everything She's done, spiritually Paganism just isn't for me personally. And it's not like I resent Morrigan's presence in my life, I cannot stress enough how much She has helped me and taught me, but maybe you're right, maybe She tried to make me grow up too fast. The only part I 'resent', if that's even the right word, is that I did a blood dedication. That *really* was stupid of me. What I *should* have done was see if Paganism was right for me, the Divine aside for the moment, and *then* work with my Goddess. Stupid me, I didn't do that, and so now I'm paying for it. Which I don't mind, it's just confusing and rather stressful, particularly since I thought I had everything figured out!!!
Ugh, I don't know. I just think I need structure, or perhaps something different, I don't know anymore, honestly. I've been soul-searching this whole time, and I just keep being torn between loyalty to my Goddess but my need spiritually for something else, for as I said Paganism just isn't right for me, or at least my perception of it, now that I've been on my so-called 'path' for a while now, long enough to figure that out. I feel like I'm a ship being tossed about in a Maine squall or something! And there's no lighthouse.
So, in short, it's complete and utter chaos all around spiritually. I'm bloody thankful for my spirit-guide, though, he's been incredibly helpful and supportive though this. And you all have been great too, of course! I just think it's something that I need to deal with, and it's odd because a few months ago I wouldn't have ever thought this possible, me questioning everything like this, but I guess I am, and it's kind of scary, but obviously some change, no matter what it is, has to be made, I guess.
Wow, sorry to any who managed to actually read through this. And my apologies for my profanity in my first post, it was a hybrid rant, I think, crossed with some sort of emotional turmoil. Erm, yea. Anyway... *sighs* And it's confusing, I know, so if no one can really pull anything out of this blab don't worry about it; if I can't even pull anything out then I don't expect anyone else to.

[Shadowsong]

Oh, and one more thing... if I do a complete one-eighty spiritually and, I don't know, convert to something (which I don't know if I will) or if I just throw my hands up in disgust... which would be really childish, but knowing my temper tendencies it's a possibility... would I still be welcome here? Honestly?

[AlAskendir]

First, a deep breath!

Now...ground, as best as you know how.....














Okay?

Now, as you continue to inhale and exhale gently, focus all of your attention just inside your own ears...and after a few moments of complete focus you should begin to hear a 'humming' or a 'buzzing' or a 'chirping' sound. Stay with that for a time. You'll notice that when thoughts attempt to intrude, the sound will fade, focus on your ears again, and the sound comes back. Get to that place where the thoughts stop trying to intrude, and the sound continues for quite a while.






Spirituality is not a thing of thoughts, but feelings. Now that you are grounded and clear, how do you feel about all of this?

Write each feeling down as a short sentence, leaving out things like 'because', just statements of "I feel ____", and "I feel ___", etc.

I don't know how you commuinicate with your Goddess, but once you have listed all of your feeling about the situation, communicate with your Goddess. If you still need mortal guidance after that, come back and ask for it - - - and know that you will always be welcome here!

[MerryBe]

Oh, and one more thing... if I do a complete one-eighty spiritually and, I don't know, convert to something (which I don't know if I will) or if I just throw my hands up in disgust... which would be really childish, but knowing my temper tendencies it's a possibility... would I still be welcome here? Honestly?


I would still welcome you. And I am sure I am not the only one.

Respect and Tolerance of other's belief's is the key to friendships!
I have friends of various religious backgrounds and we live in peace.


Blessings,
MerryBe

[Shadowsong]

*cries* I don't even know what/who/why anymore... can I just say that? I can't see how this collapsed on me so quickly but it did, so maybe there's something to be learned, but now I don't know where to turn because on one hand I could say I don't need religion/spirituality but on the other hand I feel I do need it, but I just.... I dunno. I really don't.

[wolf]

Don't worry about who/what/why or the questions right now. You get focused and bogged down on the questions and forget to do the important parts of living.

Find joy, sorrow, confusion, pain, happiness, ecstasy.

Dance, run, love, live, laugh.

Experience

[Tea Leaf]

Shadowsong, just my two cents here, but have you considered that this questioning is apart of your path? a phase in your growth?

The Morrigan is my patron also, and since she has come into my life she has helped me question everything I thought I knew about everything including myself, and rebuild with a stronger foundation.

You seem not to be questioning The Morrigan, or your believe in her. Try to keep the faith in her, knowing she knows what is going on even if you don't. You don't need to figure it all out this second. Life is a journey, if someone just blurted out the ending it wouldn't mean very much, would it?

If I may be so bold to make a suggestion, try meditating asking for guidance or some self reflection, make a list of what you believe, who you are, what you want...etc. See where it takes you.

I hope you find your way

[Shadowsong]

Thanks all. I'll just have to wait and see.... Since there's so much going on, then I think I just need to relax and deal with it when I can actually think straight without, you know, overreacting.
It's kind of funny though, on the note of going to the Unitarian church to seek spiritual sanctity or whatever... I accidentally walked into the Lutheran church that's closer to my house... oh man that was funny! HAHAHAH! I got some strange looks, believe me!

[BrigidMoon]

I think it's okay to question your faith, religion or spirituality. I think we ALL do this. It may be confusing and sometimes scary. When we question we may feel lost suddenly. We may find ourselves questioning everything then. Don't fret. The basics you feel are real to you. Morrigan is a wonderful choice and well here's a story....hopefully it won't bore you.

My patron is Brigid. I've been concentrating on her, praying to her, asking and calling for help just to her for a long time now...years. I suddenly (and recently) have had problems doing that. Partly because I didn't want to or feel the need but also partly because I was questioning...What am I doing here? Who am I spending my time praising? What are my rituals for really? Why do I do what I do in regards to my path?

I realized something. There are a lot of things that have been making me angry lately. A lot of feelings surfacing that usually do not. Am I hexed? I don't think so. I think what I have been asking of Brigid is for more challenges, maybe something different. I have been asking to be accepting of myself. Enter, Morrigan.

So I have been slowly letting Morrigan in - letting her look around and me as well.

Well long boring story... but you can understand.

I hope this helps you to a more peaceful understanding journey!

[Shadowsong]

Thanks a million, BrigidMoon! *huggles* (I think that's my new favorite word, by the way) Anyway, I realized earlier through a couple experiences that Morrigan is always with me, but She'll make me fight my battles and then help, not the other way around. She won't let me be a pansy, so the speak; She won't chase away my demons and leave me happy as can be. She'll make me struggle, but it's only that way I can learn.
Good luck and bright blessings to you as well, BrigidMoon, on your journey!

[BrigidMoon]

Thanks a million, BrigidMoon! *huggles* (I think that's my new favorite word, by the way) Anyway, I realized earlier through a couple experiences that Morrigan is always with me, but She'll make me fight my battles and then help, not the other way around. She won't let me be a pansy, so the speak; She won't chase away my demons and leave me happy as can be. She'll make me struggle, but it's only that way I can learn.
Good luck and bright blessings to you as well, BrigidMoon, on your journey!

Thank you very much! Same to you as well, Shadowsong.

(Odd, one of my old nicknames was brightsong :) )

[Shadowsong]

One more question: so have you just been working with Brigid for a while?

[Shadowsong]

All righty, now I'm confused, if not more so than I was. So I was fine the other night, I really was, and now today I'm just right back to where I started. But this time it's worse, it's like I feel ilke an idiot or something, that I had just "made this all up to give myself something to cling to". Now when I'm OK of course I don't feel that way, but now I do and it's not making any sense! :wah:

[wolf]

1. Stop Whining
2. Read your own signature file.

lather.rinse.repeat.

[BrigidMoon]

One more question: so have you just been working with Brigid for a while?

Yep just Brigid for a long time now.

[Shadowsong]

Thanks for the wakeup call, Wolf. I hate those "holy crap" moments, you know? Seems I'm getting them a lot more lately, and I really need to find a way to deal with them, eh? Thanks again all! *hugs* And thanks for putting up with me!

[CzechWoods]

One more question: so have you just been working with Brigid for a while?

why ?

would you like to do another blood oath dedication ?

:hmmmmm: :lookwhats

[Shadowsong]

Unless I mis read that (and if so I'm sorry)...
EXCUSE ME???

[CzechWoods]

Unless I mis read that (and if so I'm sorry)...
EXCUSE ME???

i am being evil and teasing you

:lilangel:

[Shadowsong]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Really, honestly, I should've thought before I posted that! Forgive me, please??? I really didn't mean to be rude!

[CzechWoods]

there is nothing you would need to say sorry for. you were not rude

i was just teasing you, to bring in a laugh

because

you seem to be in the stade of where you lost the parameters.

a good laugh will help you to RELAX and see more clearly

so you made a horrible mistake ?
well, ok,
now learn the lesson

stop panicking.
step back to where you believe the wrong turn came in and redo from start, just this time do precautions (like divination)

stop panicking

laugh a bit, get some fresh thoughts

take a walk
in the rain
let the rain wash
away your pain
let the drops
drum on your skin
feel
you are - how you are awaking
from the slumber
from the sleep
from nightmares capturing you deep
from nightmares causing you more fear
wake up, the solution is near

run, run in the sun
let the heat heat you up
run faster, the sun awaking your inner light
run faster, tumbeling you might
stand up and run some more
come on, dont say you are sore
run faster
until you will sweat
the sweat washing away the trap
run faster than the deer
run faster, than the time in a year
and feel the blessing of the heat
and the sting of the sunny rays
feel the fire, that burns deep within
come, and start the running race

until you fall, like a heavy sack
unable, back to your feet to get ?
and rest, on the cooling ground
with earth, your recovery you'll find
and feel, like the cool earth soothes you
like arms that are comforting you
like substance, that seemed you'd lost
its back, now and foremost

and breath again, deep in and out
inhale the strength, exhale the doubt
take air again into your lungs
let it cleanse again your talking tongue
let air fill your blood with strength
let wind become your breathing friend
let air and wind bring you fresh thoughts
and make you one further-more

and than walk slowly back to home
you should now feel again you are strong
and if you dont, well than repeat
until you feel the connection deep
and cherrish the moment and the gift
you have worked for and than received

and than think again
how it all begun
what has lead you
mislead you?
to the though
you belonged
to the morrigan

repeat the process as long as it takes
you need to learn the truth from fakes
alow to cry, to wimper and weep
and to feel remorse in need

but dont go blind when lacking faith
for you could fall - deep down into the abyss
where you call, unheard, shattered in the debriss
falling in inner disgrace
and your lack of faith
becomes the prison place
the highway, to your grave


peace along your paths
the walker

CzechWoods
(c) 2005 www.czechwoodsgems.de (www.czechwoodsgems.de)

[Shadowsong]

*bawls* That... that was beautiful, CzechWoods!That just... wow, that helped a lot, that really did. Thank you, I mean it beyond words.

[Shadowsong]

Oh, and I also want to sincerily thank each and every one of you for replying to this, and for putting up with my whiny rants. I still haven't figured stuff out--in fact, I think I made a huge mistake trying to make things better--but at least I'm calmer about it, a little. As I've said so many times it's not funny, "I am a fledgling new to flight." (Gotta love Whale Rider for that one...) But it's true. We all make mistakes, some big, some small, and always, ALWAYS there's something to be learned. And I think there's some level of lee-way, of forgiveness, whatever you want to call it. We're allowed our mistakes so long as we don't walk away with nothing learned. I'm still struggling with it, a lot, and it is honestly the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a long time, but somehow I think things will be all right, one way or another.
And on a personal note: Thanks to Tom, Tigerlad and Lunacie, you all are great, and Luna, I am so sorry for all of my annoying PMs, really I am... *laughs* Everyone here is great though, so I want to thank all of you! :hugz: And CzechWoods, that poem... that poem was awesome, it really was, it helped so much, poetry can often speak louder than the most eloquent of words...

[Teresa]

Oh, and one more thing... if I do a complete one-eighty spiritually and, I don't know, convert to something (which I don't know if I will) or if I just throw my hands up in disgust... which would be really childish, but knowing my temper tendencies it's a possibility... would I still be welcome here? Honestly?
You are always welcome here as long as you follow one rule: Respect. So stop worrying! There are people well into their 40s 50s and 60s who are still looking for a label for what they believe.As for taking a 180 , I pray that you take this one nice and slow make sure it is right for you.:hugz: :reading: :reading: Remember go nice and SLOWWWWWWWWWWW.

[Sage Rainsong]

I don't need religion/spirituality but on the other hand I feel I do need it, but I just.... I dunno. I really don't.

Religion and spirituality are not mutually exclusive, you can be both or one or the other. Spirituality to me at least is not about need the gods in your life. Its having the privilage of having them in your life. Besides the Beauty of Unitarianism is the fact that you can be both a pagan and a UU at the same time. The only requirement is that you have to believe in the rights and worth of each person. Which Im sure someone like you would not have a problem with.. UU services are sort of vague so there are a lot of "clubs" like a christian budhhist and even pagans. Have you heard of CUUPs? (Covenant of the unitarian universalist pagans) Try looking at www.cuups.org (www.cuups.org) It not a bad thing to meet other pagans. Maybe th Morrigan thinks that it is time to share your wonderful soul with other people. I wish you the best.

[Shadowsong]

Thanks. Do you know, offhand, if at the UU church there'd be someone to talk to who might be able to help? I mean, even if they're not Pagan.... Thanks again.
At this point it's kind of weird. I used to be so frightened and I still am, but now it's even scarier in a sense because I almost feel indifferent. Egad! I think that's worse, is starting to feel indifferent......I've tried a lot of things to help myself get through this and I'm really stuck.... At this point I want to thank all of you for your help, but I'm finding it's something I need to work out, personally and between Morrigan and myself, you know?
Oh, and wish me luck talking to my dad and/or my mom.... *groans* I do and don't want to tell but I think only by doing so will I get anywhere, who knows? *shrugs*
Thanks all,
Shadow