Thoughts.

[Jolixte]

Once again I find myself trapped in the paradox that is my life. I find that I have no real desire to live, to work, to do anything, and when I refrain from these I feel even worse. I can’t die though. I have far too many people that care about me to do that, and frankly I’m not and never could be that selfish. I don’t like where I am during this period of my life, and I can’t change it either. I have no real control over my life. I see no escape from this for two years; it feels like an eternity. I’m so apathetic that I just might screw up my life in the next few years that by the time I have that control I will be far too messed up to do anything. I am not happy, and that’s really all I want out of life. I have no innate desire to save the world or to even save anyone. I don’t want to be the best, the brightest, the richest. I just want happiness, and, for me, happiness is freedom to do what I want with my life. I’m told what to do right and left; there is no leeway. So by my vary nature I fall into the pattern of the typical angst-ridden teenager which is a label I despise. The odd thing about this is that I do love who I am when all these situational issues are disregarded. I loath that I am not mature enough to recognize how to get out of this.

I also cannot understand why I get along with so few people. There is just no one else that I know that is on my wavelength or whatever you wish to call it, and I simply cannot get close to people that aren’t. My mother told me that I only need one, and that is so true. I just need to find one, and it just isn’t going to miraculously happen in the next 2 years.

My third challenge comes by way of the men in my life. I just don’t know what to do with them, or even what I can do with them. I think that the wisest thing would be to just get up and leave, but that would be very painful. I love but in the end I will probably lose.

My personality is not a cheerful one; it never has been and probably never will be. I’m not overly loving or optimist. I’m rather cold and cynical, in fact. I can’t change that, but I recognize that it is a hindrance.

Now what I seek is clarity.

[Jolixte]

I cannot be a savior. I can’t deal with your addiction. I cannot deal with the drugs and overdosing. I cannot deal with your gender identity issues or your bisexuality issues. I cannot deal with your anger or your ADHD which you refuse to have medicated. I cannot deal with your constant pity parties, and your refusing to do anything about it. I can’t deal with your problems with your father, mother, step-mother, and whomever. I cannot deal with your desire not to meet anyone else. I cannot save you, and I won’t.

Now I just need the strength to say it.