Scared

[lostcause]

Hi,

I don't know if you guys'll be able to help me but I'm just going to give it a try anyway. I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years now but since last year I've been paranoid that he's going to fall in love with someone else. I make myself so sick over it that I come close to throwing up and I can't do anything for long periods of time because it makes me so sad. I know it's rediculous because he even says he'd never do that to me but there are times when I think he's going to leave me for someone else...even sometimes I feel like he's going to leave me for someone on this website. I hate this feeling. I want to be able to trust him. These feelings are not unfounded I guess because we had some problems last year with it. I thought I was over them but I am still paranoid about every girl he talks to. I feel like he's going to think that they're extremely better than me, looking and personality wise. I absolutely hate feeling this way but I can't stop otherwise I would. I don't want to lose him. I really do love him but sometimes being this scared pushes me away a little bit. I'm sorry if I'm just babbling so if anyone has anything they can think of to try to help me, I would greatly greatly appreciate it.

[LadySnake]

You have a lot of self-confidence issues, don't you? Have you ever thought about talking to someone about it? Trust me, it'll help you. It did me. What are the roots of your suspicions? Have you found proof to be suspicious? Due to your anxiety and depression about this, go to the doctor and get something prescribed, and then seek some counseling. I have been in your shoes. I had no one to talk to about it. So, I got on Celexa (which treats both anxiety and depression), and sought a counselor. After about two months, I felt a ton better. Lost the boyfriend, but, I met my husband a month later. We'll be married 7 years this fall. :clapping:

[kytti]

There is this thing called "the self-fulfilling prophecy". Trust me, it is so true. If you are constantly thinking he will leave you, he will leave you. If you have trust issues you need to deal with them. He is not going to stay with someone who does not trust him. Would you?
You need to ask yourself if there is any reason for being this suspicious or paranoid. If there is no legitimate reason, if it is not warranted, then you need to look within yourself. You need to deal with your own insecurities, as was mentioned above. It sounds to me like you doubt yourself, not this guy. I have problems with this sometimes, too. Do you feel that he is going to leave you because you aren't good enough for him? Do you assume he will come to his senses and find someone better?
You really should get some form of counselling. There are also several decent self-help books out there. You need to change how you think of yourself. It takes a lot of work and practice but I think you don't have a choice.

[brittallis]

I'm not sure how old you are, but you seem fairly young. I remember going through this time in my life when You are an adult, yet your not. I had a really hard time with trust issues too. Usually, these stem from other things...in my case it stemmed from a few things...my parents divorce(abandonment issue) and a rape(not my boyfriend...was before him.)... My emotional baggage was not checked at the terminal, so to say... I used it as a carry on instead :)...I remember thinking things like, why would he even want to be faithful to someone like me and that I wasn't even worthy of his love....

I was really lucky and had a great counselor at my school and a teacher also that I was able to talk to. It was hard doing it with them looking at me and knowing who I was and worst of all, would they tell everyone or other teachers, but I decided that I needed to learn to trust someone and it was the smartest thing that I ever did. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me at kimberh74@yahoo.com. Good luck and blessed be.
Kimberly

[lostcause]

I'm fairly sure it has almost everything to do with me. I really do not feel worthy to be his girlfriend. I feel like he's out there looking for someone to replace me right now. I feel like he's going to leave me for someone on this site because they may seem to understand him better. I don't feel good enough for him. I feel stupid getting help because I feel like there's people out there who need to use it more than me. I feel like I'd be taking a time slot away from someone who I feel actually needs it. The trust thing is not completely unfounded. I really do have some reasons not to completely trust him. I want to but I'm afraid to because he's hurt me in the past. And in reply to the one before this, I am young. I'm only 19. I realize now people are going to say things like, oh you're young, you'll meet someone else. I don't want to meet someone else. This guy is my best friend and we've been together for longer than I've ever been with anyone. I don't know if the problem is him, I'm pretty sure it's me. I don't want to feel so insecure anymore.

[kytti]

I have been there!!! I know it is cliche but you WILL feel different about everything in 5 years.
But I cannot stresss enough that you need to fix YOU. I know your focus is on this guy and how you feel about him. But you need to realize that your feelings about him come from within yourself. I have had all those insecure feelings that you describe. True, you don't sound as messed up as some people out there. But that does not mean that you do not deserve or need therapy. Right now your self-talk is extremely demeaning. You don't think you are good enough, you expect this guy to leave you for someone "better". Talking negatively to yourself is a bad habit. And with any habit, it will get worse and worse. It can become a neurosis. I used to be almost addicted to hating myself. I felt most secure about myself when I was thinking badly about myself. It was comfortable and familiar and easy. But it was a horrible state of being. It affects everything in your life. It will destroy this relationship and any future one. It will undermine every goal you have in every part of your life. Because you are going to be convinced of failure before you start.
If you do one thing for yourself today...listen to me.
Buy this book...The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns
I know it sounds cheesy. My counsellor recommended it to me back when I was having a terrible time. And it is amazing. It is simple but it works. And don't just read it. Do the exercises.
I already know all the excuses going on in your head right now. Ignore them!!!!

[Kalika]

Be up front with him about how you feel, and why you feel that way. If he's done something before to put this fear in you, then maybe your fears aren't unfounded this time around.

If he wants to work at it, and help you get over it - he will.

But talk about it with him... its the only way you're really going to know.

[lostcause]

If I try talking to him about it, he gets defensive and starts yelling at me and making me feel like it's all in my head and eveyrthing. Whenever I try to talk to him, he mostly makes me feel like what i have to say isn't as important as what he has to say. I really hope he doesn't read this thread though...I'm not being abused so please no one suggest that...

[Kalika]

If I try talking to him about it, he gets defensive and starts yelling at me and making me feel like it's all in my head and eveyrthing. Whenever I try to talk to him, he mostly makes me feel like what i have to say isn't as important as what he has to say. I really hope he doesn't read this thread though...I'm not being abused so please no one suggest that...


Actually - it is abuse, in its own way. Emotional abuse. If he is making you feel that what you have to say, or how you feel isn't as important as his thoughts and emotions, that's wrong, plain and simple. A relationship is a partnership. It takes two to make it, and it takes the effort of both people involved.

If he gets mad and is yelling at you when you bring it up... chances are - he's hiding something. Harsh maybe... but generally true. I've been there... I've had close friends who have been there... and that's always been the case.

If you guys can't talk, if he's not willing to work at it, and do what it takes to make the relationship work, even if its talking about something that makes him uncomfortable, or that he feels is irrelevant.... he doesn't deserve you.

:hugz: