Is this considered an affair?

[gurlygurl2004]

If you talk to someone of the opposite sex on the internet, and you are really good internet buddies, but they get married and you continue to talk, and get close, even if you don't cyber(I think you know what I mean), is the fact that you talked in a sort of intimate way (over the net) considered an affair?

[narleymarley03]

If you continue the intimate talking after marriage, yes I think that would be an affair. Would you want your husband involved in this kind of relationship?

[Leviathan]

I think it would really depend on how you define 'intimate'

[Faeawyn]

That kind of intimacy is meant for your mate or s/o. I feel its inappropriate for him to be talking to you intimately over the net....for gods sake...he just got married??

[Hærfest Leah]

There is a such thing as an emotional affair. If you are being closer and sharing more personal things with someone NOT your spouse or SO and/or becoming emotionally attached to this person then yes it's an affair. Conversation stuff like that ALWAYS goes to your SO 1st before anyone else.

[Calen]

Yep. I would say that any non-platonic relationship outside of marriage would be considered an affair, even if it is non-physical.

[Karma Chameleon]

If you talk to someone of the opposite sex on the internet, and you are really good internet buddies, but they get married and you continue to talk, and get close, even if you don't cyber(I think you know what I mean), is the fact that you talked in a sort of intimate way (over the net) considered an affair?


Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: Yes, think of it this way, if your husband was watching you type your intimate conversations with your internet buddy, would he get upset, would he get mad, would his feelings get hurt? Anything that you wouldn't do infront of your mate is most likely a good indicator that it falls into the realm of possible cheating.

[CosmicWhispers]

Definitely inappropriate. Not to mention the conflicts that will arise when the
spouse or s/o finds out. I had a coworker who suspected her husband of this.
She installed somekind of spy program and was able to view the conversations.
She felt betrayed and was devastated just as if the "affair" had been physical.

[Sea-Witch]

I agree with the others.

I would definitely feel betrayed if my partner was doing that with another person. I think intimacy, both emotional and physical, should be reserved for your partner/spouse.

[ShadowcatX]

It depends. I don't look at sex, relationships, emotions, etc., as something that shouldn't be talked about except between b/f's and g/f's, I've talked about all of the above with friends and will continue to do so once I'm taken (assuming that happens). If my S/O doesn't care for it, then my s/o isn't the one for me.

That said, some things really should be just between the two in the relationship. If it's that kind of thing you're doing, then yeah, that's an affair.

I guess the biggest difference is secrecy and approval. If you have to be secretive about what you're talking about, then yeah, it's probably an affair. If you don't mind the s/o being present, then it's fine.

[Gracecat]

I'd agree too....

[Leatherwolffe]

I think it depends on the situation. My g/f and I both flirt with people over the internet in a somewhat sexual way. We both know it means nothing, that we would never cheat on eachother. We have also both talked about if it did come to that how we would discuss an open relationship.

At the same time I had an ex who went behind my back, flirted in an adult manor with several people, including showing herself naked on our webcam. Because of her intentions to do more, and her secrecy I did consider it cheating and ended our relationship because of it

[StarCraftLia]

I can be deadly close to my friends, which most happen to be male. We talk about anything and everything, because that's how friends are! However, I'm always aware that unless he's totally pure and/or gay, he's -always- going to be after my pants (little known fact: guys only befriend girls -just- to get in their pants, even afterwards), and I've always been smart enough to distinguish between my feelings of friendship and my feeling of attraction; so keeping that in mind, there's always a limit of what I tell and speak with and do with my friends, even ones over the net.

[Shanti]

It depends on you and your partners views, not mine. But if your views are not the same someone has a choice to make!!

[FroggieThePunk]

If you feel like it is, then yes. If you don't? Well, then it isn't.

I've dated some people where there was another person that I was able to be alot more personel or "intimate" with, but I don't consider it cheating. Now, had I been physicaly intimate or even done things with the person that wasn't my SO that could be considered as dating type activities or things like that, then I would have considered that I was cheating on the person I was dating at the time.

I have always felt that there are levels for my trust. The higher your level, then the more that I can tell you and the more personel I will be. If i have a friend that is higher than the person I am dating on the trust level, for whatever reason, then of course they will know things that the person I am dating doesn't not. Is this wrong? Depends on your veiw of it. Is it cheating? Depends on your POV.

That is just my opinion as flawed and irrelevant as it is.

[gurlygurl2004]

Okay after reading all the posts. I need to say, this is what is going on. Back in Feb. I met a guy who lives in the UK on witchvox.com, and he was single at the time. His profile said that he was straight and single. Didn't mention his age but he told me, and let's just say he's twice my age. And we became friends and recently found out we have a spiritual connection, that's what I mean by intimate, we think we have been lovers in a past life, because we or at least he's always felt he can tell me anything. And he can. We are definitely sexual with each other, but in the middle of our emailing, he got married not too long ago. He doesn't want to hurt his wife by telling her we have a spiritual connection. He even gave me pics of him. I have pics of his wedding/handfasting.

[gurlygurl2004]

Personally I don't think it's much of an affair because don't intend to hook up, and for the record he was single when I first talked to him. And I feel there's a reason and he feel there's a reason why we came across each other.

[LadyTrinity]

that you talked in a sort of intimate way (over the net) considered an affair?


Duh :bigblue:

[mucgwyrt]

Personally I don't think it's much of an affair because don't intend to hook up, and for the record he was single when I first talked to him. And I feel there's a reason and he feel there's a reason why we came across each other.
A spiritual connection with someone you know is fine and dandy, but the guy obviously feels it would hurt his wife and yet he still continues the relationship. Therefore in my mind whatever label you want to use is irrelevant; at the end of the day you're both going behind her back, doing something you know would hurt her. Which isn't a very nice thing to do.

(and lets be honest; you wouldn't be asking this question if you thought it wasn't doing something naughty, would you? :nyah: )

edit: I'm not trying to be vindictive here - what you do is up to you - but you asked, and this is how I see it :lilangel:

_cookie_ _cookie_

[Kaylara]

The deception makes it cheating. If there were no deception, I would see no problem with it.

[mucgwyrt]

The deception makes it cheating. If there were no deception, I would see no problem with it.
exactly :uhhuhuh:

[gurlygurl2004]

I understand what you are saying. And hopefully he would tell his wife, I hope he does, because I don't have her email, and I doubt he'd give it to me. But really we are both really good people who don't mean any harm. It's just we came into a tricky situation because he got married a couple of months ago and he's question of telling his wife. Personally if I a boyfriend, or if I was getting married, I would let my mate know.

[mucgwyrt]

I understand what you are saying. And hopefully he would tell his wife, I hope he does, because I don't have her email, and I doubt he'd give it to me. But really we are both really good people who don't mean any harm. It's just we came into a tricky situation because he got married a couple of months ago and he's question of telling his wife. Personally if I a boyfriend, or if I was getting married, I would let my mate know.
Just be aware if it all goes tits-up, youre going to be the one who gets blamed, not her husband :hugz:

[gurlygurl2004]

I sent a picture of myself to him finally. He's been sending me pictures since the beginning. I usually don't do that over the internet. This guy has broken some online barriers for me since I feel more comfortable. Like I said, he's even sent me picture of his handfasting.

[Pesha]

sharing convewrsdation of a general nature. See pics of handfastings and family are ok. But when it gets intimate nope, it is a beginning of something you might not want to go futher with. Far as I am concerned if it can be also done in real life...and you are doing whatever on the net...it is one and the same. Keep it general and friendly but nothing else.

BB
DS.

[MoonDust]

depends... do either of the two feel like the conversations may be going in to the too intimate? If your conversations are passing R and heading into NC-17 or X and either one or both are liking it then... I'd say yeah.

[gurlygurl2004]

No it's nothing like that. It's just getting to know each other and our cultures. Let me just say this was kind of test, and I find the results interesting. I would never compromise what he has with this woman.

[Pagan Mantis]

Are you certain of what the wife finds to be compromising though? If it's all friendly with no inuendo, that's fine as everyone talks about sex. But not everyone talks about the ACTUALLY having sex with everyone!

[halfwaynowhere]

i think having a close emotional relationship with someone outside your marriage is acceptable, as long as your spouse is aware of it and accepts it... i tell my best friends everything, we have deep conversations and everything, and i wouldn't consider that cheating, as long as there is no reason to feel guilty, there is no reason to keep the secret..

[gurlygurl2004]

depends... do either of the two feel like the conversations may be going in to the too intimate? If your conversations are passing R and heading into NC-17 or X and either one or both are liking it then... I'd say yeah.



What about XXX rated;) LOL just kidding. That's obviously off limits, hehe. For the record, I haven't from him for a week because he was busy with something work related. But we've always been friendly, and we've never discussed sex. Like I haven't asked him the difference between horny and randy or the similarity or anything weird like that. We're just sort of close for online buddies.

[gurlygurl2004]

No it's nothing like that. It's just getting to know each other and our cultures. Let me just say this was kind of test, and I find the results interesting. I would never compromise what he has with this woman.


I find it interesting that half of you flat out say it's an affair while the other half say it all depends on the situation or no. Very interesting.

[Willow Rosette]

Well I guess at this point I am simply repeating what every one else has said...but...here are my thoughts as I have been in this situation.

1) If is has the possibility of leading to an in person meeting then yes it is

or

2) If it is kept a secret then obviously he feels he is doing something wrong and then again it would be a yes.

[sari0009]

I'd say you're better off if you take the time to define "intimate" and keep in mind that every couple or even individual has different ideas as to what constitutes an affair.

Personally, for monogamous couples, I would say that engaging in actual sexual practices (groping each other up, having sex and French kissing) means one has crossed the line. I would also say that cybering that includes self-stimulation also crosses the line.

Others might feel that if you simply love another or are really emotionally/intellectually "intimate" … then you're having an affair. For my own values and purposes, I don’t totally (in a black and white manner) agree.

First of all, I would care to define what type of love/attraction it is because, from agape to praxis, there are different types of love and attraction and not all of them are overtly sexual or sexual at all. Of course, not all types of love are strictly in any one category ... but even then, not all people who love friends of the opposite sex (or even the same sex, because some people are bisexual) are even the type to end up having sex with them even if that becomes the temptation.

Some might say that one shouldn't play with temptation and therefore more of an "it is or it isn't" type of reasoning protects a couple from heartbreak (affairs) -- but I'm not seeing proof of that and in fact think that such ways might make some even more prone to having an affair.

I don't know if you want the links but here are a few I pulled up in a few seconds:

Love on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love)
From Agape to Praxis: The Fourfold Nature of Love: http://realmagick.com/articles/30/2030.html (http://realmagick.com/articles/30/2030.html)


Personally, I think a person has the right to be somewhat to very emotionally and intellectually intimate with friends and to love them (this does not necessarily mean people are having sex) … but that wouldn't go over well with a mate who approaches it more with an "either your intimate or you're not" definition of an affair.

I would say though, that there are going to be some things that are wrong and even injurious to share with others regarding one’s husband/wife/mate -- I do believe in something I’d call informational fidelity. I don’t believe I have to right to divulge everything and anything about my husband even to the closest of friends.

Again, the definition and boundaries depend on the people involved, their values and even their conditioning. If you don’t agree with each other and haven’t come to a mutual agreement on definitions and boundaries then it might spell trouble.

This might sound weird, but I've come to believe that communicating about values, boundaries and beliefs you associate with fidelity is actually part of fidelity, in my mind, since it's an attentive and hopefully a truthful connection (which a certain amount of self-awareness to begin with) that ensures being true to an understood agreement.

[Astara Seague]

Yeah if you know he is married.. it is time to let go.. find some one else...

[mol]

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