see what I have done

[Dingo]

Take a wall - a white, brick wall. It's as high as you can see and stretches out as far as you can see in either direction. On one side, there is you. On the other, negative energies. The wall is the barrier between you and those energies. This is what I have done to myself. I did it 18 years ago. What I did not realize, when I did this, is what the repercussions would be on the side that just had me.
Around 14 years old, I found out I could see auras. Then I found out I could connect with natural energies around me. Then I found out I could heal people. My healing was more of an energy exchange helping them rebalance themselves. I didn't talk about these things to anyone. Until I met Curtis.
Curtis was a really bad friend, tell the truth - but he was attempting to become a lucid dreamer and brought it up to me. I encouraged him - I, myself, remembered MOST of my dreams at that point, though I did not try to control them. He was actually progressing quite well. Anyway, long story short, he died. At the funeral, I ran into an old High School friend, Tonya. We got together and, ahem, exchanged energies on a different level.
Well, it seems she had involved herself, unwittingly, with some undesirables. The type that harbor, project, and attack with negative energy. Being who I was, I immediately shielded her from these energies. And they knew it. And they were NOT happy about it.
Following months led to more and more assaults, some even when I was asleep and would wake me up and I would have to purge my house. My purging is limited to what could effectively be described as an energy blast followed immediately by an energy barrier. I shielded my entire house from their energies. But the attacks weren't limited to my house. So I did the only thing I knew to do - I put a wall inside me.
This wall did what it was supposed to do. They could assault me all at once and I wouldn't even blink. I was so effective at stopping them that they gave up on Tonya. I lost contact with Tonya after that time period, but I maintained that wall. So time went by. 3-4 years. And here I am realizing that, though that wall kept everything out, it had also backfired in that things that were IN me that NEEDED out were not able, and therefore had shut down. I couldn't see auras anymore - they had faded over time, and I couldn't even see them at all anymore. My natural empathy was a shadow of its former self, as were my abilities to heal - in fact, I felt like I needed a constant flow of energy just to sustain myself. This is not what I wanted.
So I happen upon another healer - who says she'll help me. We do one session and I'm halfway through this wall - it's thick, let me tell you - bricks in a pile all over the ground. Still digging my way through. Must be guided. And a friend walks in and interrupts - and she leaves. I couldn't believe she left. I was stunned. Literally. For 3 days and nights I was completely drained. I told her on more than one occasion I needed her to finish helping me - she declined. The session had been to intense for her.
Now, here I am 15 years later looking for a way to destroy this wall - it's had leaks, to the effect that some of my attunement to nature is returning - albeit extremely slowly. I still can't see auras. My empathy is growing again, which is good. But there are parts of me I don't even know exist. Nobody ever taught me anything - I found it all out on my own. And I wonder, to this day, what I would know by now if I hadn't put up that wall 18 years ago. I don't dwell on it - wouldn't be fruitful.
Meditation is calming. Sleep is deep - I don't remember ANY of my dreams anymore. Another thing to fix. I want - nay, NEED this wall to come down. But I can't find it on my own; and even if I did, I need support to get through it. And now, you see what I have done.
-The Dingo

[Tanemon]

Hi, Dingo :sunny:

The only way I may be able to be helpful is to tell you someof my own personal story, because I too had to deal with walls. I practiced daily meditation for many years. That gave me a quieting of mental chattering (under most circumstances) and a restful place inside myself - a sense of refreshment twice a day. But, at the same time I had been dealing with problems in my family from childhood, a few problems at school, etc. These things started me putting up walls, but it became worse when my wife ran offwith a good friend of mine, and became an enemy to me for a few years. Suffice to say, I boxed myself in much more than I realized.

Five years ago I broke my leg while in a steep area of the forest, and (while mending) I decided to take a course and an "attunement" in "Reiki". As you may know, it's a spiritual path and a method for developing one's healing abilities.

I thought I was doing this for my leg, but it resulted in several other benefits: The attunement itself immediately and unexpectedly cleared away some of those emotional traces that had remained since childhood and adolescence - a muddy, lingering shame and sadness - silly emotional stuff that I had never been able to completely shake. It also helped me unburden myself from remnants of the sadness, resentment, and frustration from that point when my wife broke up our family. In reaction to threats and to emotional pain, I had put up walls. But after my attunement, both the pain/fear and the wallsI had made just dissolved.

My overall mood improved and I felt more stable and more able during the day under all circumstances. My sense of intimacy with nature (birds, dogs, horses, wild mammals) markedly increased - and, also, about twice as many people as before acted like they really liked me! Among other things, my "sending" telepathy increased.

On the physical level (and due to the use of the Reiki self-healing techniques I learned), my prostate gland went from enlarged to normal, my kidney function improved, my daily energy level rose by maybe 20 percent, and a skin irritation symptom I'd had since I was two years old disappeared, permanently.

I can't say with any certainty how Reiki attunement would affect anyone else. But I have recently been involved a bit in Reiki circles (which are loose associations of people, rather than any sort of real organization), and numerous other people have said similar things about the effects they have noticed. Even people who had noticed their own healing abilities since childhood have often felt Reiki attunement has helped them.

I agree with you... There's a better way to live than with all those walls. :smile:

Namaste,
montane

[Dingo]

I'm not familiar with Reiki. I'm willing to find out about it, though.