Semi-rant, mostly need a 'reality check'

[Greymuse]

I apologise ahead of time if this gets lengthy. I tend to ramble when upset, but I hope I can work myself out or get some sort of ...something...bah.

The gist of it is I second guess myself in everything constantly. I can rarely answer a direct question of "what do you feel/want/need/think?" with anything other than "I don't know...what do you feel/want/need/think? I can go with that."

Just a week or so ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with diabetes, admitted to hospital emergency with blood sugar of 948 (coma inducing levels). He was in the hospital from Friday the 2nd to Friday the 9th, and has since said the biggest reason he wanted out of there was because every day he was there seemed to suck his energy and good mood away. (For the record, he's nowhere near being pagan.)

Anyway, he gets home and understandably he's depressed. In addition to this new lifestyle change, one of the side effects of high, sustained blood sugar kicked in...eye problems. Today he told me that each day his eyes have gotten worse, he believes he's going blind. He's doing what he needs to get a Dr's appointment but he's got no hope for it.

Back on track though... Since he's come home, I've been dilligent about looking at labels for carbs per serving on everything, making meals to fit his new diet and (I think) doing ok with the meals and keeping it all in line with what he likes to eat. I've kept his medicine organized, measured his insulin shots when he couldn't read the syringe, kept his diabetic logbook, woken him up at the times he needs to take a pill or a shot or whatever (he works nights, so sleeps in the day). I've tried to keep my own stress and worry and tears out of his sight, trying to be calm and kind and non-condescending to him, trying to keep level headed when his sugar crashes a little too low so he doesn't panic more than he already does.

He's got a history of severe depression. Just a year ago we were evicted when I was 8 months pregnant and ended up moving a state away to live with my mother, which was just barely a step above being homeless. At that time he was suffering panic attacks, paranoia, suicidal thoughts. He had commented that should he become homeless, he'd just kill himself, because in his mind the baby and I would be better off without him.

Anyway, I'm off topic again. Lately he's trying to keep it together, trying not to let diabetes and the bad eyesight get to him. I'm trying to not show anything but support, caring, love and responsibility, trying to keep up all the care of our baby and play with her and try to keep her mind occupied (poor thing, she's more empathic than I am, and when Tor and I are upset, even quietly, she fusses and cries as if her little heart is breaking.) It's not working, though. Tonight he got upset with me and said he felt NO support, that he felt all his hard work was for nothing if I was sad and the baby was sad and he was depressed. He said just once he'd like to feel as if the weight of 3 lives weren't all on his shoulders. I asked when had I not been supportive and what should I do or say to show it, to which he responded with "just forget it" and left the room.

He feels like a failure because I'm not happyperky. I'm desperately trying to reign in any negativity. I try daily to tell him things that I think are good points, like he's not dead, or that maybe whatever's wrong with his eyes can be halted or reversed, or that he is NOT a failure til he gives up on living. His reactions tell me though, that all I'm doing is making him feel worse. So then I just stay quiet, and he does not like that either.

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I say or do seems to drive him further to sadness. If I'm happy at all, I'm not supporting him, if I'm sad then he's failing. It's been 4 years of the same thing, and 6 years previous of an Ex who was so emotionally abusive that I ended up never talking to him at all. I feel I'm going the same way with Tor and I hate it. I can't abandon him, but I can't share any emotion with him anymore without being hurt, feeling guilty or being told I'm wrong. Even asking him what I should do or say is wrong.

What can I do or say that will help him? I'm starting to feel painted in a corner and cringing at my own shadow. I don't laugh anymore, I hardly smile except at the baby. Do I just say to hell with him and do as I wish, and try to ignore his temper or despondency? I can't tell what's the 'right' thing to do anymore.

[Teresa]

I apologise ahead of time if this gets lengthy. I tend to ramble when upset, but I hope I can work myself out or get some sort of ...something...bah.

The gist of it is I second guess myself in everything constantly. I can rarely answer a direct question of "what do you feel/want/need/think?" with anything other than "I don't know...what do you feel/want/need/think? I can go with that."

Just a week or so ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with diabetes, admitted to hospital emergency with blood sugar of 948 (coma inducing levels). He was in the hospital from Friday the 2nd to Friday the 9th, and has since said the biggest reason he wanted out of there was because every day he was there seemed to suck his energy and good mood away. (For the record, he's nowhere near being pagan.)

Anyway, he gets home and understandably he's depressed. In addition to this new lifestyle change, one of the side effects of high, sustained blood sugar kicked in...eye problems. Today he told me that each day his eyes have gotten worse, he believes he's going blind. He's doing what he needs to get a Dr's appointment but he's got no hope for it.

Back on track though... Since he's come home, I've been dilligent about looking at labels for carbs per serving on everything, making meals to fit his new diet and (I think) doing ok with the meals and keeping it all in line with what he likes to eat. I've kept his medicine organized, measured his insulin shots when he couldn't read the syringe, kept his diabetic logbook, woken him up at the times he needs to take a pill or a shot or whatever (he works nights, so sleeps in the day). I've tried to keep my own stress and worry and tears out of his sight, trying to be calm and kind and non-condescending to him, trying to keep level headed when his sugar crashes a little too low so he doesn't panic more than he already does.

He's got a history of severe depression. Just a year ago we were evicted when I was 8 months pregnant and ended up moving a state away to live with my mother, which was just barely a step above being homeless. At that time he was suffering panic attacks, paranoia, suicidal thoughts. He had commented that should he become homeless, he'd just kill himself, because in his mind the baby and I would be better off without him.

Anyway, I'm off topic again. Lately he's trying to keep it together, trying not to let diabetes and the bad eyesight get to him. I'm trying to not show anything but support, caring, love and responsibility, trying to keep up all the care of our baby and play with her and try to keep her mind occupied (poor thing, she's more empathic than I am, and when Tor and I are upset, even quietly, she fusses and cries as if her little heart is breaking.) It's not working, though. Tonight he got upset with me and said he felt NO support, that he felt all his hard work was for nothing if I was sad and the baby was sad and he was depressed. He said just once he'd like to feel as if the weight of 3 lives weren't all on his shoulders. I asked when had I not been supportive and what should I do or say to show it, to which he responded with "just forget it" and left the room.

He feels like a failure because I'm not happyperky. I'm desperately trying to reign in any negativity. I try daily to tell him things that I think are good points, like he's not dead, or that maybe whatever's wrong with his eyes can be halted or reversed, or that he is NOT a failure til he gives up on living. His reactions tell me though, that all I'm doing is making him feel worse. So then I just stay quiet, and he does not like that either.

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I say or do seems to drive him further to sadness. If I'm happy at all, I'm not supporting him, if I'm sad then he's failing. It's been 4 years of the same thing, and 6 years previous of an Ex who was so emotionally abusive that I ended up never talking to him at all. I feel I'm going the same way with Tor and I hate it. I can't abandon him, but I can't share any emotion with him anymore without being hurt, feeling guilty or being told I'm wrong. Even asking him what I should do or say is wrong.


What can I do or say that will help him? I'm starting to feel painted in a corner and cringing at my own shadow. I don't laugh anymore, I hardly smile except at the baby. Do I just say to hell with him and do as I wish, and try to ignore his temper or despondency? I can't tell what's the 'right' thing to do anymore.

I am a diabetic. Read as much as you can about the disease. Once his blood sugars level off and become more stable ,his eyesight will be better. It is alot to get used to all at once.My diabetes was brought on by an injury. There is alot to learn. We are supposed to plan our meals ahead of time. I went to a nutritionist every week for about 6 months because I am not a typical type 1 or a typical type 2.We used to joke and say I was a type 3!Pricking my fingers was something that only got done there for a long time.My fear of needles and the fact I used to pass out at the sight of blood prohibited me from doing it. I had a wonderful nutritionist whom was refered to me by the hospital.She slowly taught me how to check my own blood sugar and even give myself the shots.
By reading as much about Diabetes as I could,I learned alot and have been able to get to a point where mine is managed by just diet now. That part did not happen over night. I added exercise into my daily routine and made gradual changes in my life of which the benefits now are that I do not have to take shots or pills.This will not always be the case as one day my body will completely stop producing insulin but I am trying to prolong that.I think I am much more healthier than I was before and I know I eat better than before also. If you need to vent or someone to ask a question or just talk to feel free to PM me! :hugz: It is not the end of the world and he can have a rich and full life still. I have been diabetic for 21 years now.

Let me add that it is very important to take some time for yourself as well.Do something everyday that you like .Be it reading, a long walk, pampering your body etc. You sound alot like me and we can give and give and give so much that we feel empty. Even sipping on some favorite hot tea and enjoying a nice sunset can help.

[Zhr Morgana]

I agree with Shalaye. Do your research and find out all you can about diabetes. Maybe his behavior towards you is a side effect of his treatment? All I can say is that if you stick with him and support him the best you can, eventually he will realize his outbursts were unfounded. But don't forget to take some time out for yourself...even if it is just a few minutes everyday...but find some way to treat yourself. It can make a huge difference.

Another thing you can try and do is set up an outing or something nice for the 3 of you to do as a family...try and re-establish that bond. It might help him to remember that he's not a patient or anything less than what he really is.