Malcolm
September 14th, 2005, 12:26 PM
So I found one of my old journals from when I was in college. I thought it would be cool to go back and read it, y'know see how much I've changed and all. The thing that really stuck out was that I have tried to quit drinking at least six documented times...and failed.
I thought about that for awhile, then I had a beer. I started thinking some more and I couldn't remember the last day I went without a drink of some kind...I'm sure its happened but not in a long time. I took stock of my surroundings so to speak, I have a decent job, I'm educated, I've never been abusive to anyone or anything like that, never sherked responsibility; although I have soldiered on with some really bad hangovers. Could I be an alcoholic?
"Impossible" I thought as I headed for...you guessed it, the bar, to meet some friends. This is where the universe stepped in and said "Alright you dense little twit, You want reality here it is...dick." (I actually kind of like it when the universe does this....)
So I walk up to the automatic doors, and they don't open right away. I stood there a second in front thinking how wierd that was. I went in and everything was just like it always is, but different. Instead of being a place I frequent where I know everybody and everybody is cool it seemed darker. The shadows in the corners where darker, shadows just kind of clingged to things n odd ways. Maybe it was always like that I just hadn't noticed.
For lack of a better term this when the parade of "wake up" happens.
I see this girl I know from a long time ago, and thought I'd go say hi. I walk up and say hi, she doesn't say anything. Her friend shows up and tells me her jaw is broken. The question of why she was at a bar with a broken jaw drinking through a straw didn't hit me till later. Her boyfriend, someone I also know, hit her with a bottle of gin.
I hadn't ordered anything yet, but when I went back to our table there was a drink waiting. I asked my friends if they spotted me or what, they told me the waitress just brought it and said its what I always get...it was.
I asked if Jimmy was coming and they told me that the other night he got a DUI and was in jail, this is his third. They also found meth on him. I don't think I'll be seeing him for awhile...its too bad really, I always liked him.
Then Motorhead was played on the juke-box. It was that close your eyes wide open song...long story.
I finished my drink and the waitress promptly gave me another...again I hadn't ordered anything. I said "What if I didn't want another?" she smiled and said "Yea, right."
Everything was kind of getting sureal at this point so I went up to the bar. The bartender said she ordered my whiskey and that it would be here on Thursday. Then that bastard Lemmy said "Close your eyes wide open, You'll see the shape I'm in....".
A girl next to me said "Wow, you must come here alot." after the bartender mentioned ordering my bottle..."Yea, I guess I do" was all I could say. I ordered my drink and Lemmy said "So go on and find me guilty, just one more F&*#$%g time..."
I started back to our table, fromthe bar if you look toward the door you can see the whole place. Thats when it really hit me....this had become my world. This smoke filled, addiction fueled, den of self martyrs and I was one of them. It hit me hard, I could almost feel it physically. I went and sat alone at a table. I'm not sure who sings the song and the only lyrics I remember are "Must release myself into the void, all illusions must be destroyed...this is the aftermath in me, tendency to keep it all inside...." or something like that.
I almost cried, for whatever reason. The place was getting to me I guess, like it sensed I was going to leave and in one last push it tired to keep me...if that makes any sense. I started thinking...again. I came here for the first time when I was 21. That was 5 years ago and the same people where still there.
I'm the only one who finished college. I'm the only one without a criminal record. I'm the only one who hasn't been in a physical altercation that resulted in being hospitalized. I don't have tons of kids running around. Which lead me to my final conclusion.
This is not my Tribe anymore. I look like them. I listen to the same music, read the same books, but I don't think like them anymore. So I hauled my pierced and tattoo'd ass outta the chair looked down at my and drink and said "I don't need you either..." I set it down and stepped away.
The waitress asked If I was going to finish it when she walked by, I just shook my head no and left.
I got in my car and Tool "Sober" was palying n the radio. I hate that song now.
I hadn't realized how much I could drink untill I got home. I drove home and counted up the drinks I had had. It was alot, but I wasn't really that drunk, a little buzz but nothing a cheeseburger couldn't get rid of. I crumpled my pack of cigarettes and lifted the lid on the trash can...it was mostly beer cans and a couple pints of jack. I shook my head a little and opened the fridge to get the pitcher of water.
A half empty thing of Sunny-D, sandwich materials and oh yea...more beer. After all this went on when I saw the beer I thought about cracking one open. I didn't, but I couldn't bring myself to pour it all down the sink either.
I light a cigarette and walked out on the balcony. I looked up at the moon and said "I get it. You can stop now."
The phone rang a couple of minutes later. It was a friend of mine from the bar. He wanted to know if I was coming over after the bar closed. I told him no and said goodbye. He asked if I was okay, said I sounded wierd. I told him everything was cool, but I don't think he believed me. I don't know if I believe me.
I thought about that for awhile, then I had a beer. I started thinking some more and I couldn't remember the last day I went without a drink of some kind...I'm sure its happened but not in a long time. I took stock of my surroundings so to speak, I have a decent job, I'm educated, I've never been abusive to anyone or anything like that, never sherked responsibility; although I have soldiered on with some really bad hangovers. Could I be an alcoholic?
"Impossible" I thought as I headed for...you guessed it, the bar, to meet some friends. This is where the universe stepped in and said "Alright you dense little twit, You want reality here it is...dick." (I actually kind of like it when the universe does this....)
So I walk up to the automatic doors, and they don't open right away. I stood there a second in front thinking how wierd that was. I went in and everything was just like it always is, but different. Instead of being a place I frequent where I know everybody and everybody is cool it seemed darker. The shadows in the corners where darker, shadows just kind of clingged to things n odd ways. Maybe it was always like that I just hadn't noticed.
For lack of a better term this when the parade of "wake up" happens.
I see this girl I know from a long time ago, and thought I'd go say hi. I walk up and say hi, she doesn't say anything. Her friend shows up and tells me her jaw is broken. The question of why she was at a bar with a broken jaw drinking through a straw didn't hit me till later. Her boyfriend, someone I also know, hit her with a bottle of gin.
I hadn't ordered anything yet, but when I went back to our table there was a drink waiting. I asked my friends if they spotted me or what, they told me the waitress just brought it and said its what I always get...it was.
I asked if Jimmy was coming and they told me that the other night he got a DUI and was in jail, this is his third. They also found meth on him. I don't think I'll be seeing him for awhile...its too bad really, I always liked him.
Then Motorhead was played on the juke-box. It was that close your eyes wide open song...long story.
I finished my drink and the waitress promptly gave me another...again I hadn't ordered anything. I said "What if I didn't want another?" she smiled and said "Yea, right."
Everything was kind of getting sureal at this point so I went up to the bar. The bartender said she ordered my whiskey and that it would be here on Thursday. Then that bastard Lemmy said "Close your eyes wide open, You'll see the shape I'm in....".
A girl next to me said "Wow, you must come here alot." after the bartender mentioned ordering my bottle..."Yea, I guess I do" was all I could say. I ordered my drink and Lemmy said "So go on and find me guilty, just one more F&*#$%g time..."
I started back to our table, fromthe bar if you look toward the door you can see the whole place. Thats when it really hit me....this had become my world. This smoke filled, addiction fueled, den of self martyrs and I was one of them. It hit me hard, I could almost feel it physically. I went and sat alone at a table. I'm not sure who sings the song and the only lyrics I remember are "Must release myself into the void, all illusions must be destroyed...this is the aftermath in me, tendency to keep it all inside...." or something like that.
I almost cried, for whatever reason. The place was getting to me I guess, like it sensed I was going to leave and in one last push it tired to keep me...if that makes any sense. I started thinking...again. I came here for the first time when I was 21. That was 5 years ago and the same people where still there.
I'm the only one who finished college. I'm the only one without a criminal record. I'm the only one who hasn't been in a physical altercation that resulted in being hospitalized. I don't have tons of kids running around. Which lead me to my final conclusion.
This is not my Tribe anymore. I look like them. I listen to the same music, read the same books, but I don't think like them anymore. So I hauled my pierced and tattoo'd ass outta the chair looked down at my and drink and said "I don't need you either..." I set it down and stepped away.
The waitress asked If I was going to finish it when she walked by, I just shook my head no and left.
I got in my car and Tool "Sober" was palying n the radio. I hate that song now.
I hadn't realized how much I could drink untill I got home. I drove home and counted up the drinks I had had. It was alot, but I wasn't really that drunk, a little buzz but nothing a cheeseburger couldn't get rid of. I crumpled my pack of cigarettes and lifted the lid on the trash can...it was mostly beer cans and a couple pints of jack. I shook my head a little and opened the fridge to get the pitcher of water.
A half empty thing of Sunny-D, sandwich materials and oh yea...more beer. After all this went on when I saw the beer I thought about cracking one open. I didn't, but I couldn't bring myself to pour it all down the sink either.
I light a cigarette and walked out on the balcony. I looked up at the moon and said "I get it. You can stop now."
The phone rang a couple of minutes later. It was a friend of mine from the bar. He wanted to know if I was coming over after the bar closed. I told him no and said goodbye. He asked if I was okay, said I sounded wierd. I told him everything was cool, but I don't think he believed me. I don't know if I believe me.