What am I supposed to do?

[Cyzarine]

Here is the thing. My friend is such a sweetheart. She will do anything for anyone. Her boyfriend takes advantage of that. They barely ever see each other and he doesn't invite her when he goes out. Every weekend he's going out with 'his boys' but cannot spend even a Saturday with her. The only time he goes to her apartment is to 'you know what' and leave. Then my friend only knows one of his friends but not the others (who he hangs with more). As well, he is always making excuses that he has no money for gas to come see her...yet he can buy rims for his truck, buy a sport hood for his truck, go out with his friends every weekend. It just doesn't compute in my mind, yet she believes his every word.

She lives about 10 minutes from where we are and her boyfriend lives about 2 minutes away from me. She comes down here hoping she will get a chance to hang out with him but he always has something to do. Then about a month agao I saw him with another girl at Walgreens. He acted really scared when he saw me. I haven't told her because I know how she is. If I tell her she will ask him. If he says that he wasn't with another girl she will believe him and hate me.

What am I to do? She is in love with this loser and she does not want to see that he is no good for her. All she does is talk about him 24/7 and I don't want to see her that way. She also does not even glance at other guys because she is so in love.

[AlAskendir]

Here is the thing. My friend is such a sweetheart. She will do anything for anyone. Her boyfriend takes advantage of that. They barely ever see each other and he doesn't invite her when he goes out. Every weekend he's going out with 'his boys' but cannot spend even a Saturday with her. The only time he goes to her apartment is to 'you know what' and leave. Then my friend only knows one of his friends but not the others (who he hangs with more). As well, he is always making excuses that he has no money for gas to come see her...yet he can buy rims for his truck, buy a sport hood for his truck, go out with his friends every weekend. It just doesn't compute in my mind, yet she believes his every word.

She lives about 10 minutes from where we are and her boyfriend lives about 2 minutes away from me. She comes down here hoping she will get a chance to hang out with him but he always has something to do. Then about a month agao I saw him with another girl at Walgreens. He acted really scared when he saw me. I haven't told her because I know how she is. If I tell her she will ask him. If he says that he wasn't with another girl she will believe him and hate me.

What am I to do? She is in love with this loser and she does not want to see that he is no good for her. All she does is talk about him 24/7 and I don't want to see her that way. She also does not even glance at other guys because she is so in love.

First of all, learn what a 'f@*k-buddy' is....your standard a$$hole male is just looking for about 14 of these, so he doesn't have to 'do' the same sex-object more often that once every two weeks.

We who are not a$$holes, in our best ways, should never tell the women we admire or want to love what might be going wrong with the a$$hole they love - - - first of all, there might be something going on with her where she is only attracted to jerks, so regardless of what you do, you will always just be 'sweet' to her, and it really isn't worth it to become a jerk or an a$$hole just to get into a relationship (but if that's what you want to do, buy a motorcycle, some bike leathers, go to a motorcycle event and make a relationship with a biker-mama - - - which should get all of that out of your system!); second of all, love is such a wonderful state to be in, if she's experiencing this, even if it is misplaced, and you like her, who are you to bring her down, even if it would be to reality? You don't want her to associate you with bad news or with falling out of love; thirdly, would your words be listened to? And if so, what would the positive result be?

It is much better to do magick works to arrange circumstances such that he gets what he deserves, she discovers the truths on her own, and she finds someone who deserves her love.

[Cyzarine]

I may have misunderstood your post but she is a friend. I in no way feel any kind of like to her more then just a friend. I am female and am married as well, with 2 boys. I just hate to see this happen because I wouldn't want it to happen to me. Yet, I would want someone to tell me if they saw my husband cheating and I would not hate my friend for telling me even if she may have been wrong. She is such a sweet girl and he doesn't deserve to mess up my friends life like that. It's bad enough I have to hear about him 24/7...like I don't have problems of my own...but she is the type who might kill herself (or him) if he says it's over.

[Temptation]

Oh, I hate these kinds of situations. I'd hate to be in your shoes right now.

The things is, there really is not much that you can do. Just be there for her when the sh*t hits the fan, which it will inevitably do eventually. If she loves him, nothing you say or do will make any difference. The only one she'll believe, or want to believe, is him.
From the sound of it, sooner or later, he's going to hurt her real bad. Be there for her when that happens. Just be her friend. Don't judge, don't say I told you so. Just be her friend. :hugz:

[AlAskendir]

I may have misunderstood your post but she is a friend.
Sorry, I assumed again...your post had the exact tone that 'sweet' male friends of this kind of person (like me) tend to acquire....still my fault tho....
I in no way feel any kind of like to her more then just a friend. I am female and am married as well, with 2 boys.


That's different then...you might want to ask for the advice of other women then....I mean, I'm not sure I can get into your shoes enough to begin to be able to advise you...if it were a guy-friend of mine in the same situation, that I was sure was not one of the ones who always dates beeyatches, I'd probably start the discussion about polyamory and jealousy to figure out how he felt on the subject, or find a novel in which something like this was happening and suggest that we both read it and discuss it, and if that discussion went well, gradually nudge around to telling him that this is about his relationship.

I just hate to see this happen because I wouldn't want it to happen to me. Yet, I would want someone to tell me if they saw my husband cheating and I would not hate my friend for telling me even if she may have been wrong.

I understand what you are trying to say, but I'm not sure that this is sufficient to just go ahead. Some people are so addicted to the wonder of love that they almost don't care if the other person is 'worthy' of it at all (since almost no-one is actually 'worthy' of it); others are working through their own stuff, like the a$$hole boyfriend representing the a$$hole father she had when she was a child, who seemed to love her and did provide safetty and support, so that when she goes looking for safety and support in the world, her subconscious unerringly finds a$$holes to become her boyfriends. If this is the case, all the telling her {about this instance} in the world is not going to stop the problem from happening again and again....


She is such a sweet girl and he doesn't deserve to mess up my friends life like that. It's bad enough I have to hear about him 24/7...like I don't have problems of my own...but she is the type who might kill herself (or him) if he says it's over.

I understand that there are genuinely 'sweet' people out there (I get called this so often by wonderful women who only date jerks), but far more often someone is 'sweet' when the person they're with is an a$$hole, as if they project all of their non-sweetness into their significant other, and thus are able to be uniformly 'sweet' to the whole world - - - but without that significant other, they become a 'part-time sweet person' (like most of us truly are). I don't want to suspect that everyone who's 'sweet' is kind of shallow and has problems they are covering up that they don't want to acknowledge and don't want anyone anywhere to know about, but unfortunately that's currently how my mind+heart works.

[Cyzarine]

That is ok AlAskendir. I didn't get offended by the misunderstanding...maybe I should have cleared that up in my first post (which I am horrible at doing anyway).

I have discused a lot with my friend...as far as jealousy, cheating...relationships in general. She had a sheltered life. She couldn't do anything without her parents approval (and she's 23). Even now she still seeks approval from her parents. She is almost like a young child whom does not know how different people are. She seems like a scared little 7 year old about everything...but mostly her relationship with her boyfriend. It has become so bad (or I am just now seeing) that she blames herself when he doesn't call or he leaves without saying goodbye.

It's just not normal or healthy. It affects her job, her friendship with me, and I know it affects her because she lives alone. I understand that love is blind, but she really takes it off the deep end. If she wasn't my friend I might think she was crazy and a stalker. She sometimes does want to go to his bedroom window at night to see what he's doing.

I know I wouldn't want that happening to me and I also wouldn't want to act that way. I just don't know how I can break it to her that her behavior is a bit weird. I've told her she needs to think about her and not spend so much energy on her boyfriend, but she keeps ignoring her own needs to take care of his. She spend time, money, and energy on him. She even wanted me to do a spell to make them stay together. No way!

It's not as if I could tell her parents. First that would be kind of wrong with the trust issue. Second, she'd probably hate me for it. It's not like I can go up to her boyfriend and tell him off. She won't listen to me much. She's in love, lust, and infatuated with this guy and they don't even see each other but for 5 minutes maybe every other week. He doesn't even tell her he loves her and they don't kiss. They have been together since 1999 and you think she would have picked up on some kind of vibe.

[Greymuse]

If this guy is literally screwing around on your friend, her health could be in danger. This isn't the age of innocent STD's that go away after a few antibiotics. It's HARD to tell your friend anything that you know will hurt her, but even if she doesn't believe you and seems to hate you for saying anything, the thought will have been planted in her head.

If I were in your shoes, I'd pull her aside and tell her very rationally and calmly about your worries and suspicions, and why you feel that way. Let her blow up at you, call you a liar, storm out and not call you for awhile. Just when you talk with her, keep reinforcing the concept that regardless of anything you're still her friend. That way, if/when the truth comes out, she might not feel so badly about returning to you after being so mean.

Another thing could be she already suspects him and is not so blind to his ways as you think she is. She could just have the denial nerve in overdrive and lying to herself (and anyone else who brings it up) that he couldn't possibly be cheating on her or treating her like second hand garbage.

Edit: clarification of a thought

[Greymuse]

Heh, as a P.S. after reading your post just before mine hit, she sounds JUST like me when I met my Ex husband 10 years ago. I was a 24 year old virgin and the only difference was I married him after 4 months and after being disowned by family & friends over him.

If she's so sheltered, honestly there's nothing anyone can do for her. She has to wake up on her own and realise she's worth more than he can give, and realise she doesn't have to have everyone else's approval to breathe. If she can't do that on her own, or reach out to friends like you for help, then I'm sorry, but she's in for a hella bad time of it with this skunk.