Trying to rediscover my "Witchiness"

[AmberLion]

Hello again gang! :)

I need some suggestions on reconnecting with my "Witchiness". To explain what I mean I need to explain my living situation.

About a year and half ago I moved back in with my parents and 32 year old brother, due to the fact that my brother is fighting brain cancer and my family needs me here with them.

Prior to that I lived in a different part of the state (Pennsylvania), worked in the theatre and had a number of WIccan/Pagan friends. I lived alone with my two cats and was freely, out of the broomcloset. My altar was openly displayed, I celebrated every Sabbat, every Full Moon and joyfully practiced daily devotionals.

This all had to change when I came back to be with my family, for they are devote Christians and wish I would "grow out of this Wiccan thing". I still keep an altar in my room but uder the guise of a table that is simply displaying "a collection of pewter figures".
A few months ago one of my cats died of bone cancer which was a devastating loss to me. Now five months later I still grieve as though he died yesterday.

Lately, I have a hard time finding the motivation to go to my altar even for a simple morning devotion. My rituals are basically, sitting in silence at the altar so that no one will hear me. My spells, when I work any, just seem to fizzle instead of having that intense Leo energy that they used to.

I want so much to be the Witch I used to be, but it's as if this new life style is suffacting that part of me. I don't want to be a Wiccan in name only and that is what I feel like I'm coming to.

Any suggestions on a ritual, spell or meditation to try to recover that lost energy and motivation?

Thanks in advance. :)

[Rick]

Sounds like you need to occasionally get with some Pagan-ish friends, & raise a little energy. If that's not practical, take a walk in the woods or on a beach (that always inspires me). Be sure you keep up the protective boundaries around your room-not to keep your family out, but to keep out their repressive energies (give it a good saging!). Burn as many candles at once as is safe to do so (but try not to set off the smoke detector... :flamer: ). Chant Runes. Place as many crystals around the room as possible.

It speaks highly of you that you've given up so much that's so important to you for your family. Hang in there.

[Twilight Garden]

Your heart is in the right place. Rick has some great suggestions. Don't up your expectations too high. You are in a different place, It's filled with a different energy. Try meditating to find out the type of energy that already lurks there and try to work with it, instead of fighting it to get back to what you are accustomed to. Is there a park near that has a semi private area where you could go to vocalize when you need to?

Also I'm very sorry about your cat. I'd die (not literally) if I lost my cat. I love her so much. Have you tried doing a Ritual releasing him? Letting him go on to where he needs to go? He could be haunting you. Just a thought...

[AmberLion]

Yes I did have a quiet ritual shortly after he died, releasing him to the Goddess but it would not suprise me if he were still hanging around. He knew I needed him.

If I believed in hell, that is what I would say this past year has been for my family and myself.

I have no friends, Pagan or otherwise. Since I work out of the home, the only people I ever see are my parents and brother and the only contact I have with others is through the internet.

There are no parks, no beaches, no woods....no place to go. Even if such places were near by, going there is not an option. Caring for my brother who was already mentally challenged, is a 24/7 endeavor for all three of us. The tumor altered my brother's personality and temperment, making him violent, angry and depressed. He pounds the walls, yells, curses and there have been times when we needed to restrain him. He is now on chemo and is very weak.

There are always at least two of us with him at all times, with the third person running errands or doing anything else that might be needed.

I could go on and on, but basically, we are all prisoners in this house. My deceased cat may still be hanging around because he knows how desprately I needed him here. He and my female cat are my only friends right now.

[MammaStar]

My heart is with you AmberLion. **HUGS**

It definitely sounds like you need a break, as well as your parents. Do you have other family living around you? Aunts, Uncles or cousins. Other family freinds that can help out you and your family. So you can at least take a few hours in the afternoon to reconnect with yourselves.

I've seen this happen so much with people who end up being a caretaker to a family member. My Mom & Uncle went through it with my grandparents, as did a friend from high school recently.

It's wonderful that you are all their for your brother, but all of you must take a little time for yourselves too.

I wish I had more comforting words or a ritual to help. all I can offer is hugs & energy sent your way. :heartthro

[white_draco]

Maybe you are clinging to the cat...not focusing on your ritual work but focusing on your cat. This might be happening because you aren't meant for a certain belief system but for a different one.

Could be hundreds, thousand things...

But It's definitely time to reexamine yourself and your environment.


-White Draco-

[Myst]

Rick has made some excellent suggestions. I felt the exact same way when I stayed with my parents for two weeks. The energies are just different. Now just may not be the time for you to do elaborate workings. Just try to meditate and spend time relaxing when you can.

(and you do keep bringing up the cat, so maybe white_draco is right)

[Lunamoth]

...do try to spend some time on yourself when you can, even if it's 15 minutes to walk around the block and center yourself. When I was dealing with the toughest parts of my cancer, my husband was always there hovering, and getting himself stressed. I had to tell him that *he* needed to take a break! The life of a caretaker is very stressful indeed, but often many forget to take care of themselves.

[Pheonix]

I agree that it seems like you and your family are neglecting your own needs, maybe if money is not tight you could bring in a nurse once or twice a week, even if only for a few hours so that you and your family can excape and get some individual time. As for your cat, was it a female? If it was and she had kittens you might try to get ahold of one of them. When my cat died I was devasted, and bit off anybodies head who dared to tell me to just get a new one. But a friend of mine had one of her kittens and one day just came by and gave him to me, insisting that I needed him more than her. It really helped, having her kitten was like having a connection to her.
Hope things get better for you. :)

Brightest Blessing,
Pheonix

[AmberLion]

No he was a neutered male. I always have my cats fixed as soon as possible. In fact my remaining cat, a female, was fixed so early that she never went into heat, not once.

What it all boils down to is being over stressed. The brain tumor crushed a section of my brother's brain and as a result he has a new personality...one that is violent, angry and depressed. A nurse is not an option, not just because of the money but he goes into a rage if he is separated from any of us. The only way to keep him quiet is if one of us sits with him.

With the Yuletide season coming up we do heavy housecleaning before decorating. The energy is my own room feels much better because I washed down the window and ran the vacume and dusted I visualized white light filling the room and driving the negative energy away. So at least that part of the house feels a little better. As I said, basically this is all emotional burnout because of having to give up every other aspect of my life for my family.....of course what else could I do? I certainly can't turn my back on them. And....yes, I know I keep mentioning my cat but his passing has a lot to do with my emotional drain....it was just a bad time to lose such a friend.

And if any of you here had such a pet as your only friend during such hard times.....well, I'm sure I'm not the only one here that would grieve heavily. I don't think it means I'm in the wrong belief system or that I have to re-evaluate my path....I'm just missing a dear friend...as any one of you would.

[Gypsy Raven]

AmberLion, I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could say something or offer more support to you at this time. I think that you are very brave and are probably so much stronger than you feel right now. I don't believe for one moment that you have lost your witchiness.......your energies are just very low, and hardly surprising as grief is a huge energy zapper, not to mention everything else that you are having to cope with. Please don't be so hard on yourself, give yourself a break and some credit! You are obviously a wonderful and loyal person.
I believe that there is always light in darkness, but sometimes we have to look really hard to find it. Stay with us here as we are your friends and we really do care!

Love and light

Raven.

[Myst]

Originally posted by AmberLion
I don't think it means I'm in the wrong belief system or that I have to re-evaluate my path....I'm just missing a dear friend...as any one of you would.

I think what was meant there is that the path doesn't feel right without your cat, therefore you aren't connecting with it anymore. If you did workings with him his energy missing from the circle could be a BIG problem. I felt the same way when my familiar passed on. Life didn't even feel right without him, let alone magick.

I also don't think it was meant that you should change your religion. Maybe take some time to research and ponder your beliefs. Surf the web for info on practices, beliefs, myths, and magickal theory. I find when I'm feeling "non witchy" sometimes the simple matter of reading some basic info on Paganism (like, how to cast a spell, how to ground, how to raise energy, etc.) and doing simple exercises (meditating, grounding, etc.) help me get back to why I got into Paganism in the first place. Sometimes just looking at my old BoS seeing what my principles, goals, and beliefs were then, then comparing them to now, helps me realize how much I've grown already. Even looking at an old diary can be entertaining ("omg, I was soooo overdramatic about that") because then you see how you've grown mundanely along with magickally.

Do you have a sacred space in your home for magickal work? Have you been meditating even for a few minutes when you can, or even just spending some time in a nice bubblebath? Have you been keeping a journal to write down your feelings and fears? Sometimes normal mundane stuff you do can help your physical body to be healthy so your spiritual one can be at its best. In that vein, also eat healthily, don't overindulge in the bad stuff, etc. I read recently another good idea is to keep a gratitude section or why-i-love-myself section in your journal. Every day, what are you thankful for? Every day, what do you think is great about you? I think first and foremost you need to get yourself some "you" time.

You also need to cleanse your home more often. Negative energy sits in the corners and crevices like dust bunnies, especially when you have someone in the house who's angry a lot, or someone who feels depressed, etc.

[talamh]

i had a wonderful dog friend/companion, Morgan, who died suddenly four years ago... on a night of a full moon. i was so devastated and mourned him deeply.... until i realized he was still very much around. i had a new puppy and the new puppy could see him too. i realized Morgan was guarding me on the other side and helping my new dog guard me on this side. Other people have seen Morgan.... people who didn't even know about him. One friend who stayed overnight asked me in the morning whether i had two dogs because she had seen a black Lab in the living room who had looked her in the eye, grinned and.... disappeared.

So maybe your cat is guarding you on the other side. Maybe you should do what some have suggested and try to make contact with the entity... but do so carefully, until you know more about it. It could be another sort of entity that your cat has asked to guard you. It could be a lot of things. Do you have anything that belonged to your cat.. like the collar or a blanket or toy that you could hold while you meditate?

And Goddess be with you in your work and support with your family. It take special people to do what you are doing. Some health care systems have a form of respite care to help caregivers. i know you said your brother gets very upset if anyone new is there.. but this is not a unique situation. Respite workers have dealt with this before. Maybe you should at least explore whether there is a way you and your parents could get some sort of a break.. because if you all get sick, then your prother is really in trouble. bb talamh

[mato]

I lost my cat that I had gone through so much with, I didnt even get to say goodbye because I was 300 miles away... I cried so hard for him, I missed him so much that I thought that I should bring him back... long story short (as I broke almost every rule I have ever set for myself to do that) his specter said goodbye to my brother and moved on. Now another cat that we had haunted me just after his death, one night I had a dream (that you might be able to use as a visualisation), I was on a bank of a slow moving river, I had set up a small campsite and was planning on staying for a while, my cat came to me and wanted me to cross the river with it. I got into a raft that was beached and the cat jumped in, i paddled out into the river talked to the cat, and hit shore, I said c ya and he jumped out of the boat onto the shore. I returned to the other side and my camp as he watched me I watched him, he slowly started to move off and stalk the birds that had come over to his bank. He dissappeared into the forest on the other side and I knew he was going to be fine, and that we would meet again when I crossed the river, better yet he helps me when I have to cross the river to do some work! It was such a wonderful dream, and our relationship hasnt suffered at all, he helps me to 'hunt' the lost souls that shouldnt be there and bring them back, although he stays on the other side.

As for the brother, I can relate to that too, I am currently the caretaker of my mother, who isnt as bad when she takes her medication but she hates to do it so every once in a while she goes into a violent tantrum that ends with her getting sick. It is only going to get worse as there is no treatment for my mother and she is dying and she knows it. I would suggest do a cleansing ask his spirit guide to help you help him, ask your spirit guide to help you help yourself. While you may want to reenergize your 'witchiness' I would suggest that you use this oppertunity to explore the shadow side of it, after all it is the religion with the books of shadow. That is what I am doing with my mother, I am exploring the ways to celebrate high energy in an accepted areana with the appropriate overtones, how to practice in silence is also a good one. Spells without all the extras is precious knowledge that can only be learned under pressure! Consider it a time to grow in other ways other than your craft. Of course there is always the option of saying, "Screw you I will do as I please I am here to help my brother and this helps me to help him, all the better!" and doing it the old way. If nothing else vent to some one something, get a nice rock and charge it till it shatters with all your stress (I am on my thrid this year). But find some way to practice the way you want to practice and avoid all the bs that they will throw your way for doing it.

[TripsieD]

(Hello to all, as I am new around here and sorry for long-windedness as well!!)

I can relate to the situation you are, because I am in a similar situation.

Being born and raised as Baptist as one can be, choosing Wicca was not an easy decision at all. I too found that when I was living by myself, being Wiccan was MUCH easier. Now, due to a number of circumstances, I am home again with my parents, trying to get my feet back on the ground. I have had to put away my altar and tools and head for the broom closet in order to keep peace in the family. I have even had to go to church with my parents to keep them quiet.

At times it feels like I am loosing that part of me that was drawn to Wicca in the first place and kind of like I am betraying that. Yet I think to myself, I still love the Godess (in my strange little way) as much as ever. Just because I allow myself to listen to my mother's pastor (even if I dont like him at all) or choose to believe the way they do, I can still be me.

I have had to go through several times and it is not easy, yet every time I "come back", I feel that much stronger in the end.

From someone who has been there (and is there now), just hang on for another day and see what happens. I HAVE to allow myself to change (even when it's scary), because without change where would I be?? (I'd prefer not to think about that!!! LOL)

I'll conclude with a piece of wisdom handed down to me by an old friend:

"The sun always comes up in the morning"

[Pan]

though i can relate to your situation to the extent of the losing a cat deal.. i can't about the other things.

i'm sorry if i sound at all rude or anything like it.. but.. here's how i feel.

if you don't feel ready to let go of the cat, don't. it will just make it all the more worse than it is now. it's all up to you. people who have posted here have given some really good ideas, but it all boils down to you.

on the family situation...

my family is methodist. they were very supportive of me in my wanting to find a religion that suit me. though my dad wasn't thrilled, he didn't try to stop me. he calls it "wicca stuff" but that's all i can expect out of him: his very best.

deep inside, though i wish i would still feel good about myself if i didn't type it, i feel that your parents are being rather selfish. please don't get mad at me, i'm just stating how i feel. your parents, i gather, know how hard it is for you to be doing this for your brother.. yet they still "nag" (for lack of a better word at 7am in the morning with no sleep) at you about your religion. there are more inportant things to deal with right now than your choice of religion. i'm sorry if i sound mean or anything, i don't mean to. but if you are feeling uncomfortable, your parents need to respect the person you have chosen to be, and they should be "grown-up" (for lack of another better word) about all of this.

this isn't just a pinch on them.. it's a pinch on you, too. i wish i could offer some helpful suggestions.. but all i can offer is what i feel. i have told you what that is, and i hope it doesn't get me in trouble. it is rare when i truly say what i feel, and even now i hold things back. i hope things get better for you, really i do.

that is all i can offer. i wish i could do more.