How to you get a man to clean?

[Marcasite]

I love my fiance to bitlets but he won't clean up anything. I don't think he's lifted a finger to help me around the house since we moved in! I've tried asking nicely, begging, pleading, b**ching, screaming, and bribing... nothing works
he always feels bad about it and says sorry if I bring it up, but nothing changes
what can I dooo?

(sorry If I posted this in the wrong place, I'm still very new to the site)

[Gypsy flower]

Dream On!!!!

[Mithrea]

Yeah, they either clean or they don't. If you want a cleaner, you have to get a new fiance :)

[Auroro]

Well, what ya gotta do is tell him "no more hanky panky till you start helping out around here", I know I'd start helping.

[Marcasite]

boo... I was hoping to change him :S
I guess it's hopeless :falloffch
what can I ask of him in exchange for me doing all the cleaning?

[Silver Water]

Auroro has a good suggestion ;) A lot of my guyfriends would clean if their girlfriends/wives held out on them. Or if she refused to cook meals because a lot of them can't cook for themselves.

[Marcasite]

:hearteyes see but if I threaten no more hanky panky, it hurts me just as bad :hearteyes

[SilverClaw]

Bribing guys never work especially when it comes to cleaning.

[Astara Seague]

Yes a nice dinner and A little " you know!" usually works!

[Pesha]

Ummmm well far as I cansee you can't. They are men after all.

BB
DS.

[Cynyr]

I love my fiance to bitlets but he won't clean up anything. I don't think he's lifted a finger to help me around the house since we moved in! I've tried asking nicely, begging, pleading, b**ching, screaming, and bribing... nothing works
he always feels bad about it and says sorry if I bring it up, but nothing changes
what can I dooo?

(sorry If I posted this in the wrong place, I'm still very new to the site)

Fiance??? You've come that far in your relationship and now his uncleanness is an issue? Let me ask, is it worth calling off the marriage over? I mean, if his biggest offence, now that you're engaged to him, is that he won't clean, can you imagine what you will discover when you two become married? And they wonder why the divorce rate is over 50%.
You need to learn more about your man before you commit to him. I think that he has so much more to offer that the fact he won't clean really doesn't bother you that much.
Think this through: Keep him and clean house yourself. Get rid of him and, clean house yourself. Which is the better of the two?

[Auroro]

Ummmm well far as I cansee you can't. They are men after all.

BB
DS.

hey hey hey! I am of the male gender, thank you very much!

[GalenaFaolan]

Well, that's an interesting question for sure.

When I met my hubby he was.......untidy. :) I swear when I cleaned his room for the first time that clothes were going to come out walking from under that bed!! :o

Now, 11 and a half years of marriage and he does clean!! Can't remember exactly when things changed, but he does help out around the house. He washed clothes, does dishes, takes out garbage, scrubs the tub. I'm lucky enough that he was a cook when I met him, and still is, so no issues of that ever came up. He still has a tendency to leave clothes laying where he takes them off at, but if I get on him about it, he says I'm sorry and does it the next time anyway. *sigh* Small price to pay for all the things he does do.

So, maybe that will give you a little hope that things may change in time. They (men) are not all hopeless cases! :D :p

[Darklord_Kodiak]

Umm... I do the cooking and the cleaning.

[Pesha]

hey hey hey! I am of the male gender, thank you very much!


Sory, I did not mean to step on toes. I taught my son early on how to cook, clean and sew. And when he was a batchlor he did alright for him self. Now he is married and has his wife to do it all for him. Do not get mew wrong I adore men. They just do not really know how to do domestic things.

BB
DS.

[Marcasite]

he's certainly worth keeping. The cleaning is the only issue I have with him. He is in all other ways amazing, he's supportive, never yells, cooks when he's home to do it and takes good care of me when I'm sick. Plus he's working full time to support us while I go to school and work 10h a week and my mom pays half my rent but not groceries or bills. I've put up with the lack of cleaning for over a year now, and I'll continue to do it. It would just be nice if he'd either do things around the house once in a while or clean up after himself (rinse a dish, put clothes in the laundry bin instead of on the floor... put garbage in the garbage can.. I don't think that's too much to ask...)
if he won't change, I'll deal. I'd just like it if there were some way to make him realise that cleaning really isn't so bad...

[Mirrored Wolf]

make it into a game!! lol, :bouncysmi

[Rudas Starblaze]

well, usually if the guy is working full time to support his other half while shes not working full time, then dosent that make it kinda even if he dont clean? i mean if you where both working full time i could see your point. i mean my ex wife expected me to clean even while working four 16 to 18 hour days and she only worked three 8 hour days. but then again she is a spoiled rotten lazy beotch who thinks she has to get everything she wants. (im not saying your that way by any means) just my opinion on the subject matter.

[Djiril]

Have you tried drawing up a chore list? Some people simply don't see when chores need to be done, and it might be easier for him to help if you sat down with him and told him exactly what you wanted him to do.

[Marcasite]

I'm attending university full time and working part time so I really don't have any more time to clean than he does. Plus, my mom is paying my half of rent so with the part time work, I'm (well my mom and I are)*almost* contributing as much as he is. I think it's fair if I was staying at home and doing nothing that I would be doing all of the cleaning (be certain of it!) but university is a huge time commitment, and with working, school and cleaning... well I haven't done anything fun since school started. But that's a different story :P

[Rudas Starblaze]

Have you tried drawing up a chore list? Some people simply don't see when chores need to be done, and it might be easier for him to help if you sat down with him and told him exactly what you wanted him to do.


thats a good idea, Djiril!

but just for the sake of not getting into some kind arguement, if you make a chore list, start it out small and easy.

[Bix]

There are some people that are just slobs...and no matter how hard you try...it won't change. So, I say just accept it. "Holding out" on him is kinda degrading to you...

[Marcasite]

thanks for all your help everyone! I'll give the chore list a try! we'll start with put garbage in garbage can ;) and maybe work up to laundry and the suchlike if it works
if not, I'll just have him do the nastiest jobs (ie litter box, fridge cleanout, take out garbage) because they're fairly quick but gross and a good compromise (I'd rather do 2 hours of dishes than clean out the fridge any day!)

[Nova]

Of course it isn't worth breaking up either. It's hardly even worth fighting over. So naturally I used to nag my S.O. about it constantly. If you like to nag that's okay, but I felt horrible about it. It seemed like the only way to make him lift a finger, though. Then one time I was sick for a while and couldn't do much to help. It turns out what seemed to me like laziness was just a lack of motivation. He doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes until he can't find a cereal spoon. Many "slobs" are just very very very practical.

Making a chart, nagging, pointing, or the worst - doing it all myself hoping he will notice (oh the games women play) - may or may not work. Because he still doesn't see the NEED. He puts his clothes on the floor because it's convenient and he doesn't care if they get walked on.

So we compromise. He gets to be a slob in his own personal space. Use the same toothbrush for years. Leave clothes in a pile by the bed. His desk can be a disaster and when I dust, I leave that area be. Community areas we work together- I let him know what has to be done - he lets me know when he wants to get it done.

Other things have just fallen into place by good example. He's grown accustomed to my good cooking, and if I don't have anything clean to cook with we fend for ourselves. He learned pretty quick that going back to Ramen and fast food wasn't fun.

As for laundry... I just had to make sure I had enough clothes, towels, undergarments, and pillowcases to outlast him. Threw out some of his old ratty boxers. Like clockwork, two days after he runs out of boxers it dawns on him we should go to the laundromat. Now sometimes I get to be the one who says "aw, let's do it tomorrow."

[Marcasite]

ohh excellent advice! He does have very ratty boxers. If I threw out all the ones with holes that'd probably leave him with 2 pairs :devil:

seriously though, your compromise seems to have worked well for you. Sounds like something to try. After all, I can live with his messes if my stuff is clean (unless it starts growing mould, I have limits!)

I really appreciate all the suggestions!

[Perseph0ne]

I'm quite lucky, my other half will clean if I ask him to.

I was watching a programme on tv on this the other day called 'How to bring your husband to heel'. They showed wives how to get their husbands to help out around the house by teaching them to train dogs!

They said to communicate - make it clear what you want, don't nag and reward when they've done it.

If this fails to work then what I've resorted to in the past is to stop doing the things I do that they rely on...like cooking.

[Scarlettvixen]

i moved in with my (now ) husband who at 35 had never lived out of home, never cooked or cleaned etc

it was a battle initially, but i was working full time and studying part time, and he was working part time and then unemployed for a while

we had a few fights but basically i appealed to his sense of fair play
we started with the chore list
we graduated to no sex till it was done lol
now he has learnt for a peaceful life he does his share of the housework
i dont ask him to clean bathrooms/toilets or the kitchen...... jobs he loathes
but he will dust vacuum and wash the floor no problem and will take the garbage out

once he had run out of clothes a couple of times he has learnt when the laundry basket is 3/4 full its time to do a load.

its only taken me 8 yrs!

[Xirian]

Yeah, they either clean or they don't. If you want a cleaner, you have to get a new fiance.
I agree with this completely. My boyfriend is a cleaner and our home is always tidy. I hate doing dishes, but I love to cook. He likes to cook sometimes, but if I cook he does the dishes and vise-versa. He cleans the toilet, because I always make it in. He also does the floors. My son cleans his own room which leaves me the living room and the porch and outside cleaning. It just all seems to work out evenly.

[Mindflayer]

Personally, I don't see why people put SO much effort into cleaning.

I mean I know people who vacuum and dust -EVERY DAY-, clean bathrooms all the time... and I just don't see WHY.

The carpet is NOT going to get that dirty in a day to make it necessary to vacuum. The bathroom is NOT going to explode into a mess that requires cleaning more than every once in a while. You do NOT need to mop the kitchen floor all the time unless you're prone to playing shuffle board with raw chicken.

I don't put much effort into cleaning, because I don't have to. Things don't need to be perfectly clean.

I do 3 loads of laundry a week. 2 for clothes, 1 for bed sheets.
Dishers get done when needed, trash gets taken out when it's full.
I clean my desk off when I have no more room.
We don't own a vacuum, we disguise it with clever lighting. (It helps that the cats don't shed)
Bathroom gets cleaned when I hire a maid :p

[Perseph0ne]

I don't hoover and dust every day but to me there's nothing more disgusting than a dirty kitchen or bathroom. I regularly run bacteria cleaning wipes across the unit tops, I hoover the kitchen floor then run the Flash mop over it. I keep the toilet constantly clean with a Toilet Duck toilet mop (you dip the pad in the water then run it over the inside, it has cleaner on it), cleaning tabs in the cistern and bleach in the pan over night. Oh, and cleaning wipes over the toilet seat.

I'm not one of those cleaning nuts but real dirt (bacteria, not just dust) is disgusting. I'm not a pig and I don't like to live like one. Also, cleaning can be quite therapeutic sometimes.

[CoolJ]

Sex.

[Calen]

Explain to him that you need to know he is ready to invest in your relationship, and that that means showing he isn't going to leave you with all the housework. It's important that you know where you stand on these things before the big day.

As someone else said, if he's working all the time and you aren't it follows that you would do most of the domestic work, but he should still contribute a bit, even in that situation.

Best of luck!

[Djiril]

Yeah, they either clean or they don't. If you want a cleaner, you have to get a new fiance :)
Hmmm, :hmmmmm: I think I'll try that on my mom next time she asks me to do the dishes:

"Sorry mom. I'd like to help, but I'm just not a cleaner!"

[Astara Seague]

Im not a "cleaner" so to say either, but I think things bearable, if I bug my husband enough he will help(after I pry his fingers from the computer) or I just pretend to be mad about it and he will come help,

:sick: but few men ever help anyway they are still in that gender role thing,

as for the one that works all day while his wife does nothing, i would hate that too! I know a few women like that!

I taught my boys to pick up after themselves cook and clean, but now that they have both"temporary" moved home neither one helps at all!

Sometimes I wont do it either and usually one of us breaks down and cleans eventually

I also took off for a whole weekend because no one would help me do anything but make messes DRASTIC i know but at least it was done when I returned!

[SilverMaiden]

I love my fiance to bitlets but he won't clean up anything. I don't think he's lifted a finger to help me around the house since we moved in! I've tried asking nicely, begging, pleading, b**ching, screaming, and bribing... nothing works
he always feels bad about it and says sorry if I bring it up, but nothing changes
what can I dooo?

(sorry If I posted this in the wrong place, I'm still very new to the site)

Since domestic chores aren't something he feels anything about, ask him to pay for someone to come in and help you with his share of the chores. If he's not going to help, he should at least pay for someone to do his chores.

[enchancea]

It takes alot of complaining and yelling to get him to do anything sometimes I get mad and will yell until I turn red in the face and sometimes I see it as easier to just do it myself.

[Pagan Mantis]

Well, what ya gotta do is tell him "no more hanky panky till you start helping out around here", I know I'd start helping.
I think Auroro brings up a great point here. If he doesn't naturally clean on his own, he probably won't start. If you take something away from him that he enjoys, watch how sparkly the house may become!

[Jenne]

Negotiate. Men are negotiators. Find something worthy of him getting from you (not sex! that should be a normal thing on its own really) and "trade" for it. Be honest with him, and tell him you really need his help, and you're willing to do X in return...

See if that works...that's all I really have in my arsenal, lol.

[Yvonne Belisle]

The chore list is a great idea. I would talk to him and explain that with everything you are doing you just arent getting the down time you need and would like to be able to spend special time with him. Explain that to get that time you need a little help with a few things. Pick a few things that you really need help with that should be his to begin with like picking up his clothes.

[spooky]

tell him you're hidden beer and porn somewhere in the house... see how fast he gets crap up off the floor!

[Willow Rosette]

I think you should never try to change someone. You have to accept them the way they are.

That being said. Either live with it or go on strike. You dont cook, clean, nothin untill he pitches in. And deffinately no nookie.

Good luck!

[Xentor]

Yup, go on strike. Don't clean a thing except for what you really need. Let him drown in his filth.

And yes: go on bed strike. That'll get his attention.

[RowanMegaera]

I am not a natural housekeeper, therefore, it is a supreme effort that my house stays moderately tidy. It's clean enough to be healthy but messy enough to be comfortable for me. My husband is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde when it comes to cleaning, being in the military he spends significant periods of time living elsewhere and is amazingly neat when he lives alone (though it does help that he only has enough dishes to last a day or two and no miscellaneous SCHTUFF like we have all over at home) but when he's home you can see exactly where he's been throughout the course of the day by the trail of debris. He comes home and leaves a trail of laundry, he leaves dishes on the coffee table, scuzz in the bathroom sink.

I've gotten to the point where if it's not in the laundry hamper I don't wash it, if he wants clean dishes they have to at least make it into the sink, etc.

[RubyRose]

:lol: Sometimes its an effort with my fiancee, sometimes its not. I suppose you could say he helps out 50% of the time.

[Rowan Darkmoon]

Chore list all the way! Some men just don't care if it's clean or not. I love R.S., but he's not a natural cleaner and I knew this when we got together. If I want him to do something badly enough, I give him a list. However, I like to clean and he doesn't, so I accept that if I want it clean, I'll do most of it myself.

Give your fiancee a list of things you'd like him to do and see if he'll do them. And let him do them his own way. Many men don't clean "as well" as women might, but as long as he's helping that's good. Encourage him to help you. And start small. :)

[BrigidMoon]

I'd ask for his help and appeal to his softer side.

[Willow Rosette]

Dont forget to appreciate his effort when he does clean. You will be more likley to get cleaning out of him in the future if you give him positive effects from it. Tell him how happy it made you when he did this. Reward him and hopefully he will see the light.

[DragonsChest]

Vetteman and I have had it out over this many times. Finally, after 23 years, I think he got the idea: we live in the house together, we create messes together, we clean them together. There are things that he just doesn't like to do, same as me. So we did divide up chores. That way we weren't doing something we hate, not on a regular basis. I have never cut the grass, Vetteman has never cleaned a toilet. It works. Usually.

But don't think you'll change your guy - they don't change!!

[Nighthawk]

Hmmm, used to be I did little around the house, but I worked and she did not.. So, she had 10 hours there a day I did not. Now, my partner works full time, and I do most the laundry, toilet cleaning, dishwahing, a bulk of the cooking and all that. I dunno, I think if you were to have a heart to heart about it, and if the hours at home are balanced and all, it will work. I know my ex always complained about me not doing enough... but I told her about how different the time spent at home was. It never worked out well, but that is another story.. Everyome should help if they live together.. bottom line, just how much is a time concern..

[DragonsChest]

Very true, NH, when I didn't work outside the home - I did all the domestic stuff. After all, Vetteman was working outside the home - so it evened out. When I worked parttime, I still did most of it, but not all. Now that I have been working full time for quite a while - it's much more equatibly divided. _pounce_ to my Vetteman!

[RoseKitten]

When we were *both* working, he had to help out everynow and then, but at the moment i'm doing school full time, he's working full time AND going to school 1/2 time.. I don't ask him to do anything but take out the trash... our housegues however, is then one i need to get cleaning.... hmm... :hmmmmm:

[coyoger]

Make is life hell by slowly making the trsh heap up around him. Leave dirty socks by his pillow when he wakes up, if he has a favorite place in the house, leave it for him. IE if there are cans and chip bags around his chair, let um' pile up. Clean the rest of the hose so he notices the change, just leave his stuff for him.

Either he'll get the hint, or you'll have a wonderful fight to witch make-up lovins' are in order.

[Strega Del Vento]

Luckily, mine came to me already trained. His ex-wife did nothing but sit around the house all day. So when he got home from work, exhausted, he'd have to clean up after HER. Blah.

He does help out whenever I let him. I'm a neatfreak. So, if he ever catches something that needs doing (which is very rare), he'll do it before I notice. :lol:

[9-2-2]

he's certainly worth keeping. The cleaning is the only issue I have with him. He is in all other ways amazing, he's supportive, never yells, cooks when he's home to do it and takes good care of me when I'm sick. Plus he's working full time to support us while I go to school and work 10h a week and my mom pays half my rent but not groceries or bills. I've put up with the lack of cleaning for over a year now, and I'll continue to do it. It would just be nice if he'd either do things around the house once in a while or clean up after himself (rinse a dish, put clothes in the laundry bin instead of on the floor... put garbage in the garbage can.. I don't think that's too much to ask...)
if he won't change, I'll deal. I'd just like it if there were some way to make him realise that cleaning really isn't so bad...

That's the most mature response I've seen in a long time on these boards. You obviously understand that there are better ways to deal with ONE SINGLE FLAW than throwing your hands up in the air and running out of the house. Love comes before nitpicking, I always say. My fiance and I both clean, I know I've been harsh on him because he does more of the work than I do, but I make up for his dish-washing, laundry, and picking up around the house by scouring the nasty bathroom and vacuuming. For some reason, I have this sick sense of enjoyment when it comes to cleaning bathrooms. I've cleaned bathrooms that were so nasty that I wore a gas mask and STILL gagged, but it's like an addiction, I can't stand NOT seeing a shiny white toilet, scum-free sinks, and mildew-lacking showers with minty freshness or spring mountain scentiness in the air.
My fiance doesn't react well to harsh chemicals and he's a bit dainty, so he doesn't like dealing with nasty dried-on human waste.

[FlyingBear]

I went on strike and it got the point across. But really, between the two hubbies they each do their own thing and it works. :)

[AutumnWitchie]

I invite someone over. Then we do a marathon cleaning and we're good for a few weeks. Or if I hit a weird manic mood there's nothing to clean because I get a little obsessive for a few weeks. DH says all I have to do is ask which I hate doing because I don't want to come across as nagging. Everyone in awhile I do have to kick both our butts and just do demand. Thankfully, thats not often.

[phoenixblayze]

its the opposite for me. my husband is always getting on me to clean up around the house, he is a clean freak, but i have an excuse. trying to clean when you have a fussy, teething baby can be difficult