lets spice this area up a bit!!

[random]

how many teens here have thought about suicide and/or self distruction (cutting)? and why..

[Niamh]

This is a very personal question, and one that I'm sure will be difficult for people to answer. Any teens answering might be going through the emotions presently, which makes it even more difficult!

I'll throw in my two cents... when I was 15 I developed panic disorder. This is triggered by different things for different people. I had episodes almost every day. You run hot and cold, you shake, you feel nauseated, your vision blurs... if you're really bad your hearing blurs and you hear voices. It's not fun. It's terribly frightening, and it can happen at any time. Usually at the worst time, because it is, after all, panic disorder.

Anyhow, I, according to my family, was "acting out" and trying to get attention. Did I think about suicide? Sure, I thought about it. But I don't think I was too serious in my thinking. I was hurt, confused and scared.

Most people who have panic disorder are given a sedative or another drug, along with relaxation therapy, which will cure them within months. I had to cure myself. Because of panic disorder I can meditate pretty well, in large thanks to the relaxation methods I would use on myself....

Perhaps you didn't want a saga, but there you go!

[Niamh]

There is a new book out for Young Adults (publishing industry's words, not mine) called "CUT." Can't remember the author's name...
Anyhow, it is about a 15 year old girl who begins to cut herself (it's fiction) and ends up in a hospital for teen girls. It's an excellent read.

[Dextra]

Well, I'm not a teenager anymore, but I'll throw in my 2 cents anyway......

When I was 16 I attempted suicide. I was having numerous problems with my family, but that's a long story I won't get into right now.

I locked myself in the bathroom with a bottle of my grandmother's nitroglyceryn pills and took a handful. Within a couple of minutes I was passed out on the floor. I was in and out of consciousness. My boyfriend and another friend of mine kicked in the bathroom door and threw me in the car. I remember my friend slapping me trying to wake me up in the car. Then my boyfriend carried my into the emergency room, but they were doing construction outside the hospital, so he was trying to carry me over a mound of dirt and he fell and gashed his leg wide open (I found this out later). He dropped me, but one of the construction workers picked me up and took me in.

I woke up completely when they gave me a shot of something and then they pumped my stomach and gave me some charcoal/Sprite combination to make me puke up the rest of it up.

It was a horrible experience that made me appreciate life that much more.

[Earth Walker]

No matter how bad things got for me, I always
relied on the Goddess, my own strength and resolve,
and the help from fellow Pagans.
Life is beautiful.....and besides, it is better than the only
other alternative. :bigredgri

[Faery-Wings]

But I wanted to attempt suicide just a few years ago. I had moderate to severe post partum depression after my second child was born. I would look at my kitchen knives and think about how it would feel to slit my wrists and when I drove I would imagine driving into the telephone poles. I was able to get on meds (Prozac) and into counseling after arguing with my OB/GYN that taking naps when the baby naps was not going to help.

I didn't have any sort of religion at that point and no faith in drs, God (in the Catholic sense) or myself. That is changing, thank Goddess!

To anyone is is thinking of suicide or is depressed-- please talk to someone, there is help!!!

BB
Chris

[Semele]

Not really sure how to answer that. I used to think about being dead when I was a teen. I would actually fantasize about how people would react in different situations, like me getting ill or killing myself. A couple of times after a normal teen fight with my mom I thought about it. But I always went one step further and thought about how she would feel. While I would be furious with her at the time I would begin to feel guilty thinking about it. That usually helped me take the first step in apologizing.

Right now I love life so much I actually fear anything that could cause death...not in a manic phobia way but I definately don't want to die. I think that the majority of suicidal folks do suffer from some type of clinical depression. There really is help availiable. Funny how one little pill can alter your world so much and make you better able to cope with life in all its glory. We may think to ourselves how strange it is for someone to get so down over something that appears trivial to us, but we don't have a clue what they are going through. Just like they don't understand how we can be so positive.

Semele

[MystyPines]

I also had attempted suicide at the age of 16 because my boyfriend had left me for another young gal. I also attempted it again at the age of 32, when I found out my husband was having an affair for 2 years of our 12 year marriage. Both times, because of men. But, that really wasn't the problem, I had low-self esteem. Even to this day, I have, now and then, had thoughts of suicide. I definitely understand the destructive path and that can be everything from drinking, drugs or anorexia, bullimia, all of which are a cry out for help. I am not sure if people who have attempted it, will always struggle with suicide thoughts thoughtout their lives when things get rough. I now go to a therapist, to overcome my feelings of low self-esteem and low self-worth. After the last incident at 32, I became anorexic going from 190 lbs. to 113 lbs. (at 5 ft 7) in just 8 months, my hair falling out in clumps, breaking nails, etc.) Now I am 145 lbs, dealing with compulsive overeating, either way you look at it there is an underlying problem. I also had the post-partum depression after both of my children were born. So, yes depression is something that comes easy to me. With me, it is either completely "Up" or completely "Down", there is no middle. I just need to learn, with the help of meditation, to balance everything. "Balance" in life is the key to everthing............

[Jazzmine]

When I was 20, I took a lot of pills because my boyfriend left me.
He found me and took me to the hospital. After a month in a hospital situation talking to a group of people that had problems far worse than mine I found out my problems werent that bad after all. I think that was a breaking point in my life. I learned how to be self reliant. My life has gone completely uphill after that and I don't think I've ever thought about doing anything like that again. 15 years later and I'm happier than I've ever been.
Life is good:D

[Shy Hawk]

Well...that's hard to answer...uh. I'll be very honest, if only for someone else's benifet.
I had/have a couple psychiatric problems (obsessive compulsive disorder, seasonal depression, post traumatic stress disorder (triggered by sexual abuse) and at times have trouble with hurting myself) all of which I am recovering from, and have not shown significant symptoms of any of them for almost a year now.
...so anyhow, suicide was on my mind at many points. I tried to commit suicide once. I overdosed on painkillers that I take for migranes (this was a year and a half ago). I passed out and kind of went into a short lived coma. Anyhow, my headaches are a result of stress and are purely psychosomatic.
Another time I really wanted to die, and did some careless things in order to...I guess...jeopardize my life...
My life is very low maintainance now...I altered it so it is peaceful, quiet, and I have very little stress. I got out of a relationship that I was in, that turned out to be very destructive...and I stopped all drug use (very hard to do, by the way). It doesn't matter what your drug of choice is, if you feel the need to have it, you are abusing it.
So, things are much easier now, and much happier. I graduated high school two weeks ago (which I didn't think I would do, due to dropping grades because of depression). And, I'm going to college next fall. Things are better. But even I know, I'm not cured...and I will always have to keep the blues away, and surround myself with happy people. But, at least I know what I'm working with...and with the help of my Lords, my friends, my family...I'll be fine.
Shy Hawk

Hope that helped someone.

[widukind]

I only thought about it once, when one of my girlfriends had broken up with me. I don't mean I had multiple girlfriends at the time, heck!... you know what I mean.

My whole world collapsed when she suddenly wanted nothing more to do with me. I could only call her once a week, I couldn't come over anymore. I got my grip back within twentyfour hours, and, thank the Gods, lacked the courage to commit suicide.

Mind you, I consider myself to be a fairly strong person, but I was too attached to life at that time. Now, 2 years later, I have overcome my fear of death and I'm happier without it.

That's all... I never mutilated myself or anything.

Brightest Blessings!

Widukind

[sylphanie]

I've known way too many people who have either killed themselves or been hospitalized because they tried. The first time was a friend during the summer after seventh grade (hanged himself with a chain-saw chain), and the last time was last month (ODed on her anti-depressants). Highschool was really bad; it was an all-girl's boarding school - already that's a bunch of emotions clammed into one small space, and my friends were all the people that had fallen through the cracks, anyway.

As for myself, though, I've always been more balanced than the majority of my friends. I had really awful panic attacks during most of high school, and on occasion still have them now especially when I'm driving, and depression runs in my family so there have definitely been times.... But I've always managed to pull myself out before I've really done anything. I just have too many people around that need me (or at least, that's what I'm telling myself ;)). And, I'm a wee bit scared of the pain. I'm not necessarily afraid of being dead, mostly just of the confusion of dying.

Sylph

[clef0628]

I went though depression in college and tough about ending it all. I'm glad I did not take my life. Found Paganism a year later really helped me understand myself and pulled me out of my depression state.

[MistOfTheSea86]

I just had my first horrible battle with suicidel thoughts about 1 month ago. I had this horrible crush on this person that turned out, after a while, to be unconditional love. But heres the thing! I didn't even know the person! Which made things even more crazy. Well this person had no idea who I was. SO I asked around about him, sort of a precautionary precaution. And everyone I asked said that he is an asshole and is not worth my time. At first I tried to ignore them, then the main person I was hoping to a response from. Said the exact same thing. I was mortified at all the hatred of others. And since I do not have full control of my empathy I could not put a shield up to block others bad emotions. SO they seeped in, deep, then deeper, then deeper. Until they got down to my very ethics of life. I excluded myself from everything and everyone so as not to hurt them with my depression (because since I am always dealing with everyones sad thoughts I usually am depressed because of it, they get annoyed instead of understanding) I was sitting in front of a 2nd story window, and all that was going through my head is that jump, jump voice To make it all better BUt there was still my logical head saying think of what others would feel. But all I felt is that they are too hateful to care. Then came the other thoughts. First it was, things will be so much easier when I am gone. Then it was if I stop loving this person then can I love at all??? AM i really this pathetic??? I was having a crisis that not many have. My head was telling me to go on and live you can get through this... My heart was saying just do it. FOr once ever that I have known my heart was telling me wrong. It usually is the thing that saved me. I told myself that all this is is a pathetic way of getting attention. I am not pathetic!! I overcame it but I still needed help, to cleanse these feelings from my heart. EVentually my friend helped by just listening, and she gave me something to think about. YOu torture yourself with this. No one is forcing you. It is nobodys fault but your own! She was right. I then overcame this horrible stupid emotion and went on. BUt just to make sure that it wouldn't come back. I decided to get rid of it for good.

I went home and went straight into my room. And went into meditation. I got a white candle and opened my door of too intense emotion. It is a very dangerous process that get's rid of emotions that could kill you. What it does is take a door of pure holy light and take the negative energy into itself so that it may never rise again. But if you do it wrong it can take away everything and make you sick. This has never happened before but I do know thatit can. I no longer have these emotions or do the bad emotions of others bother me anymore. They are gone. I don't know if this would work for all others but It helped me, and I think it could help you. Just be very careful. I rarely, unless I am desperate use this technique. And I hope I never use it again.

Hope this helps.:cool:

[Elaine]

when I was about 13 my first boyfriend was very verbally abusive to me...I felt like absolutely nothing and after he left me I could not get over that feeling.....by the time I was 15 I was still feeling this way and at that time my boyfriend (my first love) left me and it really broke me up!! I had suicidal thoughts...came close once...but didn't have the courage to...(thank goddess!) BUT I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I was having...and started carving things into myself (ankles and thighs and such so that my parents couldn't see them...although my mom did find one once!) it just helped take away the emotional pain...I thought that dealing with the psysical pain was easier than dealing with emotional pain...when I focused on the psysical pain...I didn't think about the emotional pain...I have scars on me that are daily reminders to enjoy life as much as I can....(sorry...I think I got a little redundant there for a second!)

[rantnraven]

This is tricky and I'm not sure that I condone the focus on "teens" in this thread.

I will say this, Nearly every one has considered suicide. Mind you. "considered". I have. You have. They have. It is the fear of the "after-life" that prevents us - for the most part.

Only the weak and meek will actually do it. It is the easy way out, I guess, and I am reminded of a qoute:

"The only thing we can achieve without effort is failure" - Unknown.

The bottom line is this: there is no problem big enough that requires the taking of life. Doing so only causes more harm then not; and, as you all know, I am a huge advocate of the Reed.

Blessings,
RnR

[sylphanie]

Originally posted by rantnraven

Only the weak and meek will actually do it. It is the easy way out, I guess, and I am reminded of a qoute:

"The only thing we can achieve without effort is failure" - Unknown.


I don't think it's fair to say that suicide is for the weak and is the easy way out. For many, (not all, but a significant portion) of the people I've known, most were utterly uncertain about anything that might happen after death. The majority of that number (~6/9) were atheists and had been virtually their entire lives.

Suicide isn't always a sudden decision that people make. Sometimes they're in the bathroom and they see the razor and they suddenly make a decision, but that's by no means always the case. And I think it takes a lot of courage to sit there and evaluate your life and decide that you don't want to live anymore, especially if you don't know what's out there next - especially if you're scared of death. If most of us are halted by our fear of the unknown and our fear of death, isn't defeating that fear and proceeding anyway a sign of strength and not weakness?

Not everyone's problems will leave in a few months or years; not everyone just feels depressed because of hormones (although it does happen, and hormones do influence). You can't necessarily KNOW why someone decided their life wasn't worthwhile, or why someone decided they didn't want to die, and so you can't judge strength or weakness based on the actions alone.

Just my thoughts....

Sylph

[Yvonne Belisle]

I had a spot in my life last year that was a nightmare by any standard. It resulted in my deciding that I wasn't a fit parent and that I was of more use dead than alive. I had figured out how much life insurance I needed to let my family take care of my children and I thought out ways to get myself killed so the insurance would be paid. It wasn't an easy choice and if it were not for my friends I wouldn't be here today. It was a choice made over a long period of time. I still think I have a long way to go as a parent and I still have days that I feel like a failure and I sit and cry. I even still have days I think about following that plan. What has kept me here is a sense of responsibility. I brought these kids into the world and I have a responsibility to make sure that they are cared for. I may not always do the best job but everything I do for them is done with love.

[rantnraven]

However, "isn't defeating that fear and proceeding anyway a sign of strength and not weakness?". Are you refering to strength in the Taking of life or, the strength in continuing with it(rather then taking it)?

Death, for most, is viewed as a way to not have to deal with our problems. Yes, it seems to me that the ultimate action of taking ones own life would require great strength and courage. However, the point behind that would be that the individual did not have the strength or courage to face the problem/issue at hand.

I guess the whole point, for me anyway, is that suibide is not the answer to any problem. There are plenty of other avenues out there.

Perhaps "Weak" was not completely what I meant. There are those who are unaware of the help that is out there. Likewise, there are those who refuse the help because they feel isolated.

As I stated in the begining, this is a Tricky subject.

Your thoughts are most appreciated.

Blessings,
RnR

[Rævyn Cigány]

I think the five (currnetly) people who voted "no" on the poll is either lying through their teeth or has buried it so deep down that they honestly don't believe they ever have thought about it. I know I read somewhere that almost everyone 'thinks' about suicide at least once in their life...attempting it is a whole other ball of wax. I readily admit to contemplating suicide as a teenager...but I always had a friend or loved one who loved me enough to talk me out of it...I think the thing that stopped me altogether was helping someone else through an actual suicide attempt when I was 17...this girl could have actually killed herself (she slit her wrists....all the way up to her elbows). She just didn't want to live given the horrible situations with her homelife and such. I never saw her after she healed...she moved away, but after that I knew that there was nothing in life that is insurmountable, nothing that is that bad to feel taking your own life is the only way out.

I'm sorry if I babbled, but as we all know, no one is perfect, so I have a hard time that some people think they haven't contemplated suicide, in ANY approximation!

BB
Rae )0(

[Elaine]

I agree with you Rævyn....thinking about it, and actually getting to the point where you might actually do it are two different things!! I think that everyone thinks about it at some point in their life.....everyone has hardships that they don't think they can face....I think those people probably do believe that they haven't thought about it...or maybe they misunderstood the question...(maybe they took it as have you ever thought about it to the point you would do it!) I'm not trying to be rude to anyone here...it's just mho!!!

[BlackDragon]

Although I am not proud to say so, I have attempted suicide 3 times, and self destruction happens on a weekly basis.
My only reasonings are for control, stress, discipline,... okay so there are a lot. I suppose I feel that I have a lack of control over so many things and that there is so much stress put on me and my lack to do things right resulting in my self discipline-atory stuff... what was I saying??? I don't know. I had valid reasons at the time. I don't regret trying, because we only learn and grow from our mistakes.

[Shy Hawk]

Being suicidal is a very desperate state...and it's not fair to think that those who consider/attempt suicide are nessessarily weak. But, when you are in such a state of mind...the world looks so much differently. There are people in the world, ney, in this community, who were once suicidal and now lead productive healthy lives.
Considering suicide to a point is normal behavior for all people. Attempting suicide is much different, and should be thought of as such.
I was at a point in my life where it hurt to think (because of memories), hurt to sleep (because of dreams), hurt to be who I was....and if faced with a situation where you feel both helpless and disgusted with yourself...there are many of us who would react the same way...It's not fair to say that I am weak because the voices in my head say I'm nothing, and the voices in someone else's head say they are perfect.
Thank all; Gods, Spirits, you name it....that I have some order and happiness in my life. But, suicide should be treated ever so gently. Some are merely "crying for help" like we always say...but others still just want to be dead. And, not everyone fears death. I do not.
And, I too have scars up and down my body, as a constant reminder that everyone has pain. We obviously need to help eachother find better ways to relieve it...I was only recently introduced to chanting and dancing and drumming. This is greatly helpfull to me. Even turning my chants to screams into the night...whatever you have to do, to "get out your demons" so to speak. It helps.
Shy Hawk

By the way...maybe it seems like the focus is on teens...however, I think a lot more teens are considering/attempting suicide then ever before, and probably more than adults. I don't know why, we can say horomones or whatever...I can't tell you. Ney, I am no genius, nor claim to be. lol What I do know is that, teens have issues. And they are the nation's future...we have to nuture people! Graduating from my high school this year there were people I know of (and certainly quite a few more) who were suffering from drug/alcohol addictions, those suffering from PTSD, OCD, those self inflicting injuries (many MANY of these), those who often attempted suicide, eating disorders (I know a girl whose teeth are starting to rot from malnurishment, and another whose hair is falling out), those who are being abused physically, sexually, emotionally, those with Bi-Polar Disoder, all kinds of depression, many with several of these at a time. I know three people who are suffering from life threatening illnesses, two from lukemia and one with cystic fibrosis (2 out of 3 of these regularly and seriously consider suicide). My best male friend has Social Phobia and a Drug Addiction, he hits himself, and smashes his head against the wall when he's alone.
Many have multiple children...many are living on their own, so are on the verge of homelessness. Many have police files that are thick as the dikens already. I know girls who are living off the streets and are working nights in the city, yes I graduated with two girls who walk the street because if they don't, they will end up homeless. Yes, and most of these things neither parents nor teachers know/want to know. But I'd bet that most other teenagers here can say they have at least some of these in their school/grade/class. And,...many of us have no one to turn to. Isolation plays a big part in this...
It may seem as though at the age of 18, or 16, or whatever, that you can't have problems that are big enough to want to kill yourself over....but they are just like the problems any other person can have...maybe worse because of age limitations/limited freedom.

Whoa....sorry for that huge post. I guess I was just trying to say that...things get bad sometimes, and we should offer help, with a splash of hope, instead of criticism. Thanks for listening.
Once again, Shy Hawk

[Yvonne Belisle]

Thank-you for sharing that with us. It's often hard for one generation to understand the problems of another part of that is due to lack of comunication. The information may be out there but how often are the older generations made aware of the motivations and viewpoint of the younger one? Some of us want to help but don't know where to start. When people come forward as you just did it enables people to cross the generation gap and see things from the other side. The bridge needs to be built and it will be one brick at a time. You just built a foundation for us to build upon and learn from.

[Shy Hawk]

Shucks I was jess trying to help...but thank you for the compliment. I appreciate it.
Shy Hawk

[Myst]

I've come to see that almost everyone thinks about suicide sometime in their life, whether it be due to problems or fear.

I can admit I spent most of my adolescent years considering and sometimes even tryin it, because of issues that I won't go into.
At the time the only reason I wasn't successful is because I was afraid I'd go to hell (having decided to study Christianity at the time).

Was it the easy or weak way out? I don't think so. Sometimes you think it's the only way out, especially when you're young and don't realize how special you are, how many people love you, and the great things you can accomplish in your life. These days sometimes I think about it, then I realize that my fiance would be devastated, and so would my parents (especially), friends, and other people in my life. Besides I got things to do ! :)

[ladyrowan]

I answered yes, but I won't bore you with a long story.

All I'd like to say to anyone who may be reading this, and who is considering it now is

PLEASE DON'T DO IT

Things will always get better given time. Talk to friends, let real friends know how bad you feel. If you feel you have no real friends, talk to us here, talk to the samaritans, talk to your doctor, but just talk about it. Bottling it up makes it worse.
If you're a teenager, find an adult you respect and can trust - that could go for adults too of course.

I think it's been said before, but most of us have considered it at some point, so you willl be talking to others who have an idea of what you're going through. You are NOT alone. :heartthro

[Niamh]

I just re-read this thread... I posted back in March, and my views have changed since then.
My best friend's father killed himself about a month ago, and it's torn her up inside something fierce (me, too, for that matter). She has "healthy" views and thoughts (she doesn't think it was her fault, etc) but her life will never be the same. I've spent the last month crying and laughing with her, and am continuing to do so. It's not easy.
I don't want to get into whether the man was weak or strong. I will say everyone is shocked. He was a great Dad. But I will say that the drug cocktail that his doctors had him on for back pain and bi-polar disorder (manic-depressive) didn't help his mental state any.
And then there's the "why?!" of it all. No one knows. I've just told myself that it was his time to leave this lifetime. No, it doesn't answer why he killed himself, but it does help me deal a little with why he's gone, which is something I will never get over.

[CloakofStars9]

im not a teenage and i still THINK about it
i kinda tried once when i was 14
also carved into my skin when i was 15
in a nutshell, i have suffered from depression all my life, since 8 yrs old i have been on and off medication and therapy

the main reason why i have never gone through with it, pure and simple, MY FAMILY
i couldnt do that to my mom and sis

i still get down in a hole every now and then, but i have learned from experience that NOTHING LASTS FOREVER good or bad, no matter how bad it gets, it will pass

[Ren]

In my first year of high school I got a phone call from a friend who had moved away the year before, telling me she was considering suicide and that she didnt know what to do. I was the only one she had told, and being as young as I was, I didnt know how to react or what to do. I made her swear to tell her mom, and then I called back the next day and talked to her mom. She eventually "got better".

When I was in high school, I began arguing a lot with my parents. Each and everytime, it ended up escalating to the point where my father would step in and try to mediate and end up making things so much worse. I would get so angry - SO angry - that I would go up to my room and just scream, or throw something. Eventually, I no longer knew how to contain my anger anymore, and I began to cut myself. They werent with the intent to end my life, just to release some of my anger.

Eventually, I went and saw a therapist, and she actually helped. Thankfully, I was able to move past some of the issues with mom and dad, and learned how to better calm myself. Today, I am fine, and I dont get angry at anyone with such intensity.

Seeking help can sometimes be hard, or embarrasing..but overall, I think it was the best thing that I ever did. I encourage anyone who is wavering to go for it..really, it helps.

[nomadicdragon]

I wouldn't call this spicing things up.. that seems to trivalize something serious.. but hey.. :) from the age of 14 - 19 I thought about suicide frequently, and attempting to commit suicide arund 4 times.. why? Because I was dealing with sexual abuse from an older brother and emotional and physical abuse from my parents.. I had no one to talk to yreally and even when I did i couldn't seem to help myself..

[Chibi-Fallon]

I think the five (currnetly) people who voted "no" on the poll is either lying through their teeth or has buried it so deep down that they honestly don't believe they ever have thought about it.

I think that's a little unfair to say. Since you really don't know what anyone else thinks about. Don't mean to sound like a b*tch or anything, but I really haven't ever thought about it. I've thought about what it would be like if I were never born, but not about killing myself.
But I really don't have anything to kill myself over.

[nomadicdragon]

I think that's a little unfair to say. Since you really don't know what anyone else thinks about. Don't mean to sound like a b*tch or anything, but I really haven't ever thought about it. I've thought about what it would be like if I were never born, but not about killing myself.
But I really don't have anything to kill myself over.

I agree with you. I think that there are a lot of people that do not e ver think about committing suicide.. whether it's who they are as a person or just their life situations they never come across that, and they are blessed. I think that my depression suicidalness has helped make me the strong person I am because i was able with help to pull myself out of that deep hole..

[FaeFollower]

I don't post around here too often, but I guess this is something I have a lot to say about...

Um, okay. Yeah, I think a lot about about killing myself, and I've slashed up my arms and legs with razors, pocketknives, and the like. I had been on medication for anxiety since sixth grade, when I started having panic attacks and couldn't go to school, and then when I was twelve I became rather severely depressed (to the point that I actually have no recollection of most of that year) and I went on medication for depression as well. This year I started high school, and over the course of the summer I had convinced myself that I would really go to school, get good grades, etc. (I had spent most of my middle school years on home instruction, due to severe anxiety, particularly when it came to school. I suppose that didn't help things much.) So anyway, of course I didn't. After three days at school, the anxiety was worse than ever, and I started cutting myself, wishing I was brave enough to actually kill myself. (I cut little gashes into my wrists, though I suppose my subconsious prevented me from going too deep.) Ah, now the moral: My parents found out, I spent a month in the hospital, and am now under 24/7 supervision (including showers).

I'm still not better, and still cut myself when I can (after my parents are asleep). Its an addiction. I suppose it is somewhat like drug abuse: a short high, and then a very low low. So yeah, I guess I've experienced thoughts of killing myself and self destruction.

One more thing: I absolutely hate it when people think people who are suicidal are just like murderers, that they had a choice in the matter. The vast majority of people that commit suicide suffer from depression, which is a disease just like any other. People who are depressed have no control over their thoughts or feelings, and often not even their actions. That really offends me. (That's not directed at anyone, just a general rant. :))

[Lai]

...Yes. Mental abuse from my father. But I've decided I'm going to live, so that's just what I'm going to do. I love life, I love to live, and no one will take that from me anymore.

[nomadicdragon]

...Yes. Mental abuse from my father. But I've decided I'm going to live, so that's just what I'm going to do. I love life, I love to live, and no one will take that from me anymore.


((hugs)) :hugz: Coming from experience that is not an easy place to come to.. you should be proud of yourself..

[Lanna]

I think that's a little unfair to say. Since you really don't know what anyone else thinks about. Don't mean to sound like a b*tch or anything, but I really haven't ever thought about it. I've thought about what it would be like if I were never born, but not about killing myself.
But I really don't have anything to kill myself over.

I totally agree with that, since i have also voted to not thinking about it.

I grew up with a mother who is schizophrenic, on few occasions did she attempt her own life, but i knew how close i'd come to losing someone i loved, there was no way i would ever put anyone through that, so the thought has never entered my head. Its not because i was never faced with situations that warrented the thought (warrented may be the wrong word, but you know what i mean). There were times where for a spit second i've thought 'i dont wanna be here' but never 'i wish i was dead' or 'i wanna die right now'. within the last year my brother attempted suicide also and that cut me up more than anything, i always assumed he thought like me on the matter because of what we went through and are still going through with mum *shrugs* i can honestly say i disliked him for trying it for a while, although i still was there for him no matter what.

anyway, my thoughts on suicide, i wont say that someone is weak for doing it, i think they are obviously weak for needing to do it, but emotionally weak, y'know. But i do belive it is a very selfish act, i know that at the time the person doesn't think 'oh yeah im gonna kill myself so that she has to pick up the pieces. But somebody does get hurt, somebody does have to pick up everything that was left behind and for that i think its selfish.


About self harming, this is something my mother used to do on a regular basis, she would cut so deep everytime that she needed stiches and since she was in hospital it was usually with a blunt make shift instrument she had found, i can understand it to a degree because i got so low once that i just wanted to hurt myself - then i realised i finally knew how my mum felt and was pleased i could understand better, so my spirit lifted in an ironic turn of events! I know my mother doesn't set out to hurt herself, neither does she do it because she thinks its the only way out, its more because seh is trying to deal with her own pain and relive it in a way she knows helps, but all i see from it is scars and her worrying about what to wear to waht function and who will notice. I get bthered by it in the summer when i am out with her and she is wearing short sleaves and people notice, i worry about what they are thinking about her and it hurts me inside even though i know it shouldn't.

i just felt like i wanted to comment and it ran over a bit, but my pennys worth anyway! *shrugs*

[moon goddess]

i guess i am on the side line for being a teenager since i am 18. I have had times that i wanted to die and thought that would be the best way out. My step dad was and still is verbally abusive to me. To the point where i was bulimic and suicidal. An example would be if i were eating he would constantly pick on me telling me i was fat and that i would need a crane to get outta the house. i weighed in at 110 when i was 14. When i started being bulimic i was close to 85 lbs. I felt like no body cared and if they did why? That is when i discovered wicca and i have loved it ever since. I am no longer bulimic, and i feel that Goddess has given me back my life. What could be better than that? :colorful:

[pictureinpa]

I voted yes, back in the early to mid 80's I was a young mother (early 20's) in a mentally abusive relationship (at the time I did not realize this was the cause). I felt my girls and their father would be better off with out me, this was my way of thinking it was ok. I was eventually hospitalized for a month. I even tried something while in the hospital. I finally left the relationship and have only had one other time, when I have started to think about suicide. I know the warning signs now and try to keep on top of it, getting help early. The past 10 years have been much happier and mentally healthier for me. I still become depressed but not to the depth of despair that I used to.
I also had a good friend kill himself back in 1976, what a loss, at the time I thought it was a "stupid" thing to do and how could he do this to us. I had just lost my Mother six months prior to his death, how could anyone want to die I wondered. When I had the same feelings years later I began to understand the pain he must have been going through and I had actually wished I had the courage to end my own life as he did. So I can understand both sides, I just hope I never have to have the feelings again.

[sable]

yeah, ive thought about it so many times in the last 7 years.
ive been dealing with severe clinical depression for that long, but i have gotten help in the last year. so its been better.
but i first thought about it at the age of 12. i know, young. but i was an angry/ sullen/ jaded pre-teen, teenager/adolescent whatever you choose to call it.
i never cut myself, i would think about it.
i would devise ways of killing myself, and seeing people suffer after my death. i would focus so much attention on the after effects, and how much people would really miss me, that i forgot all about the actual process of killing myself.
ive only cut myself a few times in the past 2 years. that was something i started when i got to college, for some odd reason. i never understood that.

[schadenfreude]

I voted yes. I know this is a bad example .. but you know the rule .. if you ask someone if they've ever masturbated and they say no .. they're lying? .. I believe that's the same rule here. Although some might not attempt .. although some might not linger on the idea .. I wholeheartedly believe that every person old enough to have suffered life a bit .. has had that thought pop into their mind.

[Raven7]

Yes I have attempted suicide (starting at the age of 13 ending at the age of 29), other than the last one it was more of a cry for help than anything, the last time though I really did want to die.......yes I am an S.I and I suffer from Chronic PTSD and have for the past, holy crap, too many damn yrs (18+)....

Why? oh where to begin! I'm a child sexual abuse survivor, a survivor of rape (2 different occasions) I stopped being a victim at 27 yrs old...thats a long time to wait to begin healing and to live that way...I've pretty much have hit rock bottom on more than one occasion. i've lost many friends to everything from suicide to murder I've out lived my youngest child (he died 4 yrs ago), I've been in abusive (domestic) relationships and grew up pretty much with no self esteem, feeling unworthy and like garbage...Hell there are tons of reasons why really.....its been a hellish hard life and theres just too much to say to post on here really...If you're interested theres a website about it....

[beautifuldisaster]

ik have only thought about suicide but never attempted it. Me? I was a cutter and to be perfectly honest still sort of am. My life just got a lil out of hand and supposedly I was cutting myself in order to gaiin control of something since everything else was out of my control. I think I was doing it because it hurt less than what was really happening to me.

My dad abused us and me and my mother and brothe lived in a shelter for what felt like years but was probably months. My boyfriend beat me and tried to rape me. One of the only people I have ever loved shot himself. I was fast becoming an alcoholic and a pothead. And to top it off my grades sucked. I was a mess and cutting was just one more way to fix it.

I think a lot of kids contemplate suicide but I just keep in mind that we all have sadness and loneliness. Theres always someone out there who can relate or is goin through the same thing and that someone is worse off. Help youirself dont look for others to help

[Tzhebee]

hmmm. I'm not a teen either, but I'll toss my 2 cents in the pot. As a teen (15 or so, I think) I had gone so far as to write my own obituary, plan my funeral including the people I wanted to carry my casket, record the songs I wanted played, etc. But when it came down to it, I guess the fact that I am an extreme pessimist kept me alive. I'd think of all different ways, then argue with myself "No that won't work because of this, and that won't work because of that..."

Then a little later in life, I had thoughts of death. Technically suicide, but I put a spin on it in my mind. I'd be driving along and kinda blank out in thought, I'd snap back just in time to see my car not going around the curve, but straight for a tree. Most people at that point would sort of jump, heart rate increase and pull the wheel to get back on the right side of the road. But I was totally calm and just thought to myself, why turn? If my daughter hadn't made a sound at that very instant in the back seat, I may not be typing this today.

I've never understood the whole "cutting" thing. When I was a kid I used to burn myself thought. I've always been facinated by fire. But, I'd burn designs into my leg or arm-not just random burning. They were also superfisial burns that went away after about a week.

Just one other comment. I can't remember who said that committing suicide is for the week; I used to to think that too. Then I decided that it's not necessarily weekness, but an even more powerful emotion that you have no control over. I figured that out after a friend of my hung himself. Only, he was just over 6' tall. He went into his basement, turned on the radio and tossed a rope over a support beam. Here's how I *know* suicide is not for the week. That support beam was only 5 1/2 feet off the ground. He had to hold his legs up to be sucessfull. I can't even imagine the pain he must have been in to be able to do that. So, the one thing he wasn't, was week.

[morrigen]

Suicide and related feelings are definately not just restricted to teenagers.

It is an experience that effects people from all walks of life and reasons for it are as diverse as stars in the sky...it's not all reactive, either.

Some people will attempt suicide due to external stress in their lives, as a reaction to events and circumstances that surround them at a given time. Others are compelled to attempt suicide due to depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and other psychiatric disorders.

In alot of these cases, the person does not necessarily wish to die, per se, but simply to end the torture that their life has beecome.

Suicide is also sometimes appealing to some of those with terminal illness, as the worldwide debate over euthanasia shows...

It's a serious issue, and one which is often not addressed, or addressed *enough* by those with the power to effect change....the condition of state-run institutions and care for the mentally ill is usually appalling, and societal attitude to those with mental conditions has a long way to go before people with these conditions can feel comfortable...

Imagine being desperately ill, and too *ashamed and afraid* to tell anyone, because general public reaction is so negative.

When we, as the public, and as institutions, realize that suicide is so much more than a angsty over-reaction to troubled times, and begin to accept the variants that lead people to this point, I believe we may well see a drop in statistics for this thing which, in one way or another, affects us all.

[blueiris]

yes i have...but i would never do it. i remind myself of all the good things i have in life and how it will pass.
and yes i was a cutter. not anymore. well...i try.

[Sylvan]

I'm not a teen, but back then, yes, I did have my suicidal thoughts. But I felt I was such a screwup that I probably wouldn't even be able to kill myself correctly, and so never attempted it. But there was a nice bridge that went over the highway not too far from my house... Anyways.

I wasn't a cutter, but I was a scraper. I'd scrape my arm with a housekey until it bled. I'd rub the side of my hand across the concrete sidewalk until it bled... I learned that if you kept doing it, it went kinda numb and you could keep at it for a while, whereas if you stopped (like to go to the next class or lunch or whatever) and then started up again, it was like the scraped part was on fire..

Several things helped to change that. One was that my dad got sober and my home life changed drastically. Two was when I finally got into a happy relationship where I didn't feel like crap about myself all the time.

Still in that relationship nowadays, the times when I do get depressed, I don't notice as much. I'm not crying my eyes out, I'm taking a nap. I get more apathetic than sad. *shrug* Which is probably just as bad, but at least I'm not being violent towards myself...

[Antoninus]

Yeah ive thought about it and Ive cut before. Why? Well....Hmm...its kinda hard to explain. You just get to the point where everything else seems so lost, so hopeless and you look at a knife and think "Well...what option is there left?" You loose hope, you loose focus on the world. I had a SEVERE depressive attack about 4 years ago, in which I VERY nearly killed myself, one little twitch of a finger and I wouldnt be here. Then, a couple months ago, when I found out the girl I cared about more than anything in the world had just got bored with me and decided to cheat, I got close to the edge again. Your whole world just colapses in, and what makes it worse is that other people cant see it or they ignore it and make it worse. Ive got some mental problems I know, ADD, a little paranoia, trust issues, but I try my best to hide them. Ive actually never really talked to a counselor about problems, I dont trust them. Most of my progress has been made with help from friends.

Id also like to add my own little opnion if I may. Ive heard people say "Suicidal people are stupid." That REALLY pisses me off and chances are that that person has not had a serious encounter with depression and have NO concept of what it feels like. I HATE it when people tell someone who's depressed to "get over it" or "go get some help".

[Biinasu]

Even after two mental institutions, I still consider suicide often, though lately it's becoming less and less of an everyday thing. I've tried to commit suicide only once (I was eleven, and I tried to overdose on pills) though I did have a month long period where I couldn't even leave my room because I was afraid I was going to drown myself in the pool when I was fourteen.

[KatCallide]

Well, I'm 17 and i've thought about suicide many times. I think I make it worse for myself though... I have a problem with letting friends or family 'get too close'. My friends and family never have and never will know what's going on with me. To them I have the 'perfect' life and i'm perfectly happy.

The only place I could ever feel safe to be honest is on the net with my 'online friends'... odd I know but it seems easier for some reason. Anyways I think that makes it worse when I get panic attacks, become scared, sad, or depressed because I keep thinking that no one is here for me, and no one knows what's going on... so I start to think about suicide.

I always thought that everything would be easier for everyone if I just wasn't here. And I'm ashamed to say that I still sometimes think like that.

It scares me how close I get though, I'll start to think about how everyone would react, and how exactly I would do it.. where I would be.

[georgina]

i thought of commiting sucide a lot of times but i love my family
i didn't want mum to walk into my room and find the blood all over place
it was stupid whenever i was at the brink i would think that and stop in highschool i was so depressed i hated being alive.its hard when u think ur worthless, meaningless an a waste of air. one of my mates knew how loney i was and needed someone to love me back
he found me my graeme my love he makes my life worth living he is my light at the end of the tunnel
otherwise i know i wouldn't be here he has stopped me from ending it.

[asher]

i have thought alot about suicide and my doc says it's normal for 15 year olds and that when i feeel like commiting suicide to wirte down the pro and cons of doing it

[lilromantyc]

Sure I've thought about suicide. Not actually doing it, but more along the lines of "If I were suddenly to die (or commit suicide), how would people react to it? Would anyone even give a damn I'm gone?" I'm going through a real low point right now, so those type of thoughts are popping up more, but I'm working on it. I've cut, but not my wrists, and only when the itch in my fingers grew to strong to ignore. Ankle, palm, back of my hand, etc. Being cliche and open about it (i.e. wrists) would have brought upon much more attention than I wanted. If anyone asked, and few ever did, I'd shrug or give some lame-but-believeable act of clumsiness to explain it. Good thing: I've found this site and some great people on it. I haven't felt the urge in several months now. I'm also going to a counsellor now, which is really helping with all of it.

[Ravyn Sylverwyng]

I'm not a teen any longer, but I have not only thought about it, but attempted it several times. The first time I was 12, the last time I was 20. Yeah, I still consider it on occasion, but I have three children now that wouldn't understand, and I want to live if for no other reason than to see how they grow. When I get in to that way of thinking, I just start watching them play.

[HorseCrow]

No, I never have. I have never been depressed as such. Not more so than could be cured with ice-cream and a movie :)

[LadyTrinity]

I went to the hospital 4 times .. they made me drink charcol... u'd think I wouldnt want to drink that sh!^ again? :2G: