I need to get this off my chest

[DixieWitch]

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place. Wasn't sure where else to put it.

I've got a ton of sh!t that I want to get off my chest. Well, maybe not a ton, but it sure feels like it. I've been feeling down ever since we got back from Vegas. I think it started before we went, but I kinda forgot about it while I was there. And it's been slowly creeping up over the past couple days. Heh slowly, more like a slow freight train maybe. I've suffered with depression on and off for most of my adult life, well actually since I'm about 13 or 14. I was on meds for a while, but they got too expensive. I really haven't had any bouts with depression in the past few years. With the exception of the 2 months or so with PPD after I had Tera. I've been able to control it on my own, somehow. But I think this time, it's too much for to handle on my own. Instead of telling the story of what is bothering me, because honestly, there might not be enough bandwidth on this website, I will make a list. The list might look short, but with each thing, there is something more involved than what I typed. So here's the list of things bothering me:

1. My weight--I've been fighting with it since I had Tera 3 years ago. I went from 120 when I got married in 2000 to 154 almost 1 year after that. I was 154 when I got pregnant in 2002 and went up to 195. I was 190 for 4 months after I had her. Then went on a diet after I stopped BFing. It took me almost a year to lose 30 pounds. I am currently at 160 and have been for the past 2 years. No matter what I do, I cannot lose the weight. My tummy is still big, looks like I'm 3-4 months or more pregnant. I won't even get into the size of my ass. 6 years ago, I was a size 8. I am currently a size 14.

2. My boobs--2 kids, 1 breastfed. Need I say more?

3. Money problems--sometimes we can't buy the things we need, much less get the things I want. Like some new clothes. Or new glasses that aren't so scratched that I can actually see pretty good.

4. Not being able to help around here as far as money problems go.

5. Getting into small spats with hubby about money. For example...2 days after we return home, I'm in a bitchy mood, as usual. He snaps "I'm so glad we're home so I can hear you bitching again." I fire back "I'm so glad we're home so I can hear you bitch about money again." In Vegas, I wasn't bitchy and he didn't complain about money. I honestly think this little spat is what caused my downward fall.

6. My husband looking at porn on the computer, me asking him about it and he lies. Hello? Computer has history!!! durh Him looking at porn doesn't really bother me that much...yeah so I know I'll never look like the girls he's looking at. And wow, I feel so great about myself, why should I let it bother me? <insert sarcasim here> Really, it's the fact that he does it and then lies about it. The lies are what bothers me. Because if he's lying about this, what else is he lying about?

7. Smoking. I hate smoking, but I can't stop cold turkey and I can't afford even the patch to try to help me quit. I know I need to do it for my own health, but I can't.

8. My eatting habits--one word: Wendy's. Actually 2 words--junk food. I've been binging, alot, lately. On bad stuff. I think almost every night this week, I've had chips for dinner. Lots of chips. Oh and those yummy chocolate devil food cookies that you can get for $1.00 a box at Wal-Mart. I blew through those in one sitting. YAY and I wonder why I can't lose weight. I ate so much the other night, that I seriously entertained the idea of puking it all up.

9. Me being in such a bad mood most of the time, I can't deal with my children. I yell at Tera way too much. And I hate myself for it. I honestly suck at being a mom sometimes. And I wouldn't blame my kids for hating me for it.

10. Me being in a bad mood most of the time, I can't deal with life itself. There have been no thoughts of suicide, honestly. As bad as things are, be not being here is definitly one thing I don't want to do or put on other people.

11. I have no IRL friends. I'm talking about non-blood related people here. No one. Nada. Nothing. No friends. All my friends are behind this computer screen.

While I'm sure there is more, for now, those are the main things bothering me. I can't seek professional help because we can't afford it. I've looked into it before. And while there may be no professionals here, I think maybe just talking to someone else would probably help me ALOT. But if you've read this far, I thank you. Maybe just knowing that someone else out there is seeing me will help too.

[SafeInTheWingsOfIsis]

you definitely need a hug *HUGS* Everyone needs to get things off their minds at times. Even if no one had read this entry...I guarantee that you'd feel a tad bit better typing that all out. It helps you to clear your mind and put it out there in the Universe, ya know? Anyway, I hope things get better for you and here's another *HUG* :heartthro

[Willow Rosette]

Im so sorry life is getting to you. I have just started on my dies and today is day 6 and feeling pretty good about it. Please feel free to pm me and we can talk. If nothing else I understand weight problems and mine are higher than yours lol so I can sympathise. In the mean time Im sending :hugz: and lots of energy.

[DixieWitch]

you definitely need a hug *HUGS* Everyone needs to get things off their minds at times. Even if no one had read this entry...I guarantee that you'd feel a tad bit better typing that all out. It helps you to clear your mind and put it out there in the Universe, ya know? Anyway, I hope things get better for you and here's another *HUG* :heartthro
Actually typing it out did help. I was going to type it my LiveJournal thingy. But not many people read it there. And I tihnk by knowing someone is reading it, it helps.

[SafeInTheWingsOfIsis]

Actually typing it out did help. I was going to type it my LiveJournal thingy. But not many people read it there. And I tihnk by knowing someone is reading it, it helps.
*nods* yes yes :spinnysmi

[Eventide]

Well you know we're here for you :hugz:...about the diet thingy...I strongly recommend you do a search and go to your local library to find these two books-- I have personally used this books as a reference many times to help others and the results have been positive. They are:

Stop the Insanity! by Susan Powter and Food by Susan Powter. If you give these a try I know you won't regret it.

[RavensEye]

DW I sure can relate to you on several levels in your post. Your not alone and I hope things get better for you soon :hugz:

[Brenda]

:hugz: sorry you're having such a difficult time, hope things will improve soon. :hugz:

[Jenne]

You poor thing. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Hang in there--you know we're here for you with support and lots of :hugz:s.

[DixieWitch]

Well you know we're here for you :hugz:...about the diet thingy...I strongly recommend you do a search and go to your local library to find these two books-- I have personally used this books as a reference many times to help others and the results have been positive. They are:

Stop the Insanity! by Susan Powter and Food by Susan Powter. If you give these a try I know you won't regret it.
Those books and a partial Atkins diet is what helped me to lose the first 30 pounds. But after a while, I couldn't follow them anymore.

[DixieWitch]

I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and support. I think knowing there are people out there who care is helping me out. A lot.

[Raven Reed]

With so much on your mind, no wonder you are down. Hugs to you!

[Shaw]

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place. Wasn't sure where else to put it.

I've got a ton of sh!t that I want to get off my chest. Well, maybe not a ton, but it sure feels like it. I've been feeling down ever since we got back from Vegas. I think it started before we went, but I kinda forgot about it while I was there. And it's been slowly creeping up over the past couple days. Heh slowly, more like a slow freight train maybe. I've suffered with depression on and off for most of my adult life, well actually since I'm about 13 or 14. I was on meds for a while, but they got too expensive. I really haven't had any bouts with depression in the past few years. With the exception of the 2 months or so with PPD after I had Tera. I've been able to control it on my own, somehow. But I think this time, it's too much for to handle on my own. Instead of telling the story of what is bothering me, because honestly, there might not be enough bandwidth on this website, I will make a list. The list might look short, but with each thing, there is something more involved than what I typed. So here's the list of things bothering me:

1. My weight--I've been fighting with it since I had Tera 3 years ago. I went from 120 when I got married in 2000 to 154 almost 1 year after that. I was 154 when I got pregnant in 2002 and went up to 195. I was 190 for 4 months after I had her. Then went on a diet after I stopped BFing. It took me almost a year to lose 30 pounds. I am currently at 160 and have been for the past 2 years. No matter what I do, I cannot lose the weight. My tummy is still big, looks like I'm 3-4 months or more pregnant. I won't even get into the size of my ass. 6 years ago, I was a size 8. I am currently a size 14.

2. My boobs--2 kids, 1 breastfed. Need I say more?

3. Money problems--sometimes we can't buy the things we need, much less get the things I want. Like some new clothes. Or new glasses that aren't so scratched that I can actually see pretty good.

4. Not being able to help around here as far as money problems go.

5. Getting into small spats with hubby about money. For example...2 days after we return home, I'm in a bitchy mood, as usual. He snaps "I'm so glad we're home so I can hear you bitching again." I fire back "I'm so glad we're home so I can hear you bitch about money again." In Vegas, I wasn't bitchy and he didn't complain about money. I honestly think this little spat is what caused my downward fall.

6. My husband looking at porn on the computer, me asking him about it and he lies. Hello? Computer has history!!! durh Him looking at porn doesn't really bother me that much...yeah so I know I'll never look like the girls he's looking at. And wow, I feel so great about myself, why should I let it bother me? <insert sarcasim here> Really, it's the fact that he does it and then lies about it. The lies are what bothers me. Because if he's lying about this, what else is he lying about?

7. Smoking. I hate smoking, but I can't stop cold turkey and I can't afford even the patch to try to help me quit. I know I need to do it for my own health, but I can't.

8. My eatting habits--one word: Wendy's. Actually 2 words--junk food. I've been binging, alot, lately. On bad stuff. I think almost every night this week, I've had chips for dinner. Lots of chips. Oh and those yummy chocolate devil food cookies that you can get for $1.00 a box at Wal-Mart. I blew through those in one sitting. YAY and I wonder why I can't lose weight. I ate so much the other night, that I seriously entertained the idea of puking it all up.

9. Me being in such a bad mood most of the time, I can't deal with my children. I yell at Tera way too much. And I hate myself for it. I honestly suck at being a mom sometimes. And I wouldn't blame my kids for hating me for it.

10. Me being in a bad mood most of the time, I can't deal with life itself. There have been <b>no</b> thoughts of suicide, honestly. As bad as things are, be not being here is definitly one thing I don't want to do or put on other people.

11. I have no IRL friends. I'm talking about non-blood related people here. No one. Nada. Nothing. No friends. All my friends are behind this computer screen.

While I'm sure there is more, for now, those are the main things bothering me. I can't seek professional help because we can't afford it. I've looked into it before. And while there may be no professionals here, I think maybe just talking to someone else would probably help me ALOT. But if you've read this far, I thank you. Maybe just knowing that someone else out there is seeing me will help too.

I am so proud of you. I know how hard depression is and your doing it on you own with no ST. I don't know you but through that post but I feel proud for you. :huddle:

[Malcolm]

Most of the things you said I can relate to. I can realy relate to the friends IRL part. Most of my friends are internet buddies also. Thats not really a bad thing. A friend is a friend no matter where they are. Especially if they are there for you when it matters. I don't think I could tell half of my friends some of things I've said here.

[DixieWitch]

Just ignore this...random typing in an attempt to make myself feel better.


Ok here's somthing that makes you feel really good...have a sister who is pregnant, got maybe 3-4 weeks left, and she's still getting compliments on being hot. I never get told I'm hot or pretty or beautiful. Yeah, it may be an ego thing or seem snobby. But compliments make me feel nice. Nice compliments that is. I feel so ugly, all the time. And sometimes just a compliment is enough to lift my spirits for a couple days. I have had self-esteem problems for many many years. After being pretty much tortured by kids when I was younger because I wore glasses, was fat and had short hair. Even after all this time, all these years, it still has an effect on me. I know I am better than what they said to me. But after so long of hearing the same things over and over, it kinda becomes a part of you, like breathing. I rarely looking in the mirror and see my true self. I look in the mirror and see an overweight slob who is ugly. I made a comment the other day that of course, made everyone laugh. I said that the only way I could be hot is if I'm standing by a fire. And the only hot pictures of me out there are ones of me standing by a fire. I feel so down all the time. About my looks and everything else I first posted about. I'm tired of feeling so fricking depressed all the time. But I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me feel good anymore. And honestly, if it weren't for my kids, I don't know if I would go on. If it weren't for having to take care of Tera everyday, I'd prolly never get out of bed at this point. I know I need professional help, but there's the money issue again. Therapy and drugs aren't free. Sometimes just randomly typing and saying what's on my mind like this helps. Maybe I'll actually start using my livejournal so I don't clutter up MysticWicks with my useless banter. Ok I'm going over there now. I will probably take this post with me too. If anyone really want to see something depressing, I'm DixieWitch on livejournal too.

[Gypsy flower]

everone gets tired of sh** of every day living! :fpeek: But hang in there, no matter how bad it seems someone else has it worse! Writing is a great release!! Keep it up!! That is how I keep my sanity!!:loveduv:

[Tzhebee]

I won't even get into the size of my ass.
2. My boobs--2 kids, 1 breastfed. Need I say more?
Oh honey! :hugz: I'm sorry, but this right here had me ROLLING on the ground laughing...because it was just so...me. :lol: Of course, 6 years ago I was a size 10 and now I'm an 18....I've had 2 kids, BOTH breastfed! *sigh*

Oh...I really have nothing encouraging to say, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. :hugz:

[Lunacie]

I didn't see this before, but your first post could have been about me 25 years ago, except only one child (breastfed) and a bigger weight gain. It wasn't the kids at school that made me feel fat and stupid and ugly, it was my family.

I joined Overeaters Anonymous because it was free and just having a place to talk to grownups who understand that life is a real struggle for some of us was invaluable. There was another woman there who had anger issues a lot like mine, at the time I thought maybe she had also been sexually abused as a child, now I wonder if she didn't have ADD like I do.

Sure I could be thinner, I could be prettier, I could be smarter. But I'm doing the best I can here. I try to be friendly and I've joined a support group for adults with ADD. It's making a big difference. I plucked up my courage and joined a drumming circle and I love getting together with those guys and whacking the crap out of a drum. I'm not the best drummer in the group, but most of the time I'm not the worst either. And it's not about being professional, it's about getting together and having a great time.

So that would be my advice based on what helped me... find a support group or a study group or a hobby. Make some friends. Go out by yourself once or twice a month while hubby stays home with the kids. Remember that you are more than a wife and a mother, you're a person with your own interests and personality. :hugz:

[KuroHige]

Just ignore this...random typing in an attempt to make myself feel better.


Ok here's somthing that makes you feel really good...have a sister who is pregnant, got maybe 3-4 weeks left, and she's still getting compliments on being hot. I never get told I'm hot or pretty or beautiful. Yeah, it may be an ego thing or seem snobby. But compliments make me feel nice. Nice compliments that is. I feel so ugly, all the time. And sometimes just a compliment is enough to lift my spirits for a couple days. I have had self-esteem problems for many many years. After being pretty much tortured by kids when I was younger because I wore glasses, was fat and had short hair. Even after all this time, all these years, it still has an effect on me. I know I am better than what they said to me. But after so long of hearing the same things over and over, it kinda becomes a part of you, like breathing. I rarely looking in the mirror and see my true self. I look in the mirror and see an overweight slob who is ugly. I made a comment the other day that of course, made everyone laugh. I said that the only way I could be hot is if I'm standing by a fire. And the only hot pictures of me out there are ones of me standing by a fire. I feel so down all the time. About my looks and everything else I first posted about. I'm tired of feeling so fricking depressed all the time. But I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me feel good anymore. And honestly, if it weren't for my kids, I don't know if I would go on. If it weren't for having to take care of Tera everyday, I'd prolly never get out of bed at this point. I know I need professional help, but there's the money issue again. Therapy and drugs aren't free. Sometimes just randomly typing and saying what's on my mind like this helps. Maybe I'll actually start using my livejournal so I don't clutter up MysticWicks with my useless banter. Ok I'm going over there now. I will probably take this post with me too. If anyone really want to see something depressing, I'm DixieWitch on livejournal too.


Oh I know exactly what you are feeling...I went and am still going through exactly that. I know for me I have a hard time accepting myself as beautiful. I have a very wonderful boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful and I can never listen to him because I just don't see it. I've had so many people, even my own dad, tell me Im fat and ugly. That scars a person no matter how thick skinned you think you are. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this...and you are beautiful no matter what anyone else says. The outside isn't important, its whats on the inside. I know I try and listen to my own advice and I know its hard as heck to try and take it and really believe it. What I did was frame things I like about myself...even if its just one thing, for me I picked my eyes and my boobs and my feet. Those are three things I like about myself. I have it framed right beside my bed so when I wake up instead of going to the mirror and putting myself down I see those three things and realize hey, I am beautiful, this is who I am and people love me for it.

[HorseCrow]

:hugz:

[BrigidMoon]

Just ignore this...random typing in an attempt to make myself feel better.


Ok here's somthing that makes you feel really good...have a sister who is pregnant, got maybe 3-4 weeks left, and she's still getting compliments on being hot. I never get told I'm hot or pretty or beautiful. Yeah, it may be an ego thing or seem snobby. But compliments make me feel nice. Nice compliments that is. I feel so ugly, all the time. And sometimes just a compliment is enough to lift my spirits for a couple days. I have had self-esteem problems for many many years. After being pretty much tortured by kids when I was younger because I wore glasses, was fat and had short hair. Even after all this time, all these years, it still has an effect on me. I know I am better than what they said to me. But after so long of hearing the same things over and over, it kinda becomes a part of you, like breathing. I rarely looking in the mirror and see my true self. I look in the mirror and see an overweight slob who is ugly. I made a comment the other day that of course, made everyone laugh. I said that the only way I could be hot is if I'm standing by a fire. And the only hot pictures of me out there are ones of me standing by a fire. I feel so down all the time. About my looks and everything else I first posted about. I'm tired of feeling so fricking depressed all the time. But I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me feel good anymore. And honestly, if it weren't for my kids, I don't know if I would go on. If it weren't for having to take care of Tera everyday, I'd prolly never get out of bed at this point. I know I need professional help, but there's the money issue again. Therapy and drugs aren't free. Sometimes just randomly typing and saying what's on my mind like this helps. Maybe I'll actually start using my livejournal so I don't clutter up MysticWicks with my useless banter. Ok I'm going over there now. I will probably take this post with me too. If anyone really want to see something depressing, I'm DixieWitch on livejournal too.


I like your posts because others can relate and perhaps they are just a bit too timid to write it out like you do. Keep posting! It's okay. You're not cluttering. That's why we have HHH here.

Keep posting! You may be just healing others too. I know there are times when I feel like you do too. It makes me feel less lonely when you share.

_pounce_

[DixieWitch]

if anyone wants to keep up with what's going on with me, I'm currently on livejournal....http://www.livejournal.com/users/dixiewitch/ I think I've got it set up to friends only. But feel free to add me!!

[MoonDragn]

Heres some useless opinion from a man's perspective. I think women get depressed sometimes when they get pregnant and afterwards they never recover from it.

The way I see it, the root of the problem is addiction. You're addicted to nicotine and food. Nicotine provides a temporary relief of stress but when it is gone you feel worse. Food is a similar crutch. All of your other problems stem from the cost of eating and smoking so much.

If you can join support groups like other people mentioned, you can start getting rid of these addictions and your other problems will go away. Its not going to be easy, all you can do is one step at a time.

[SSanf]

For what it's worth, I think you need to get a part time job and fast even if you spend every cent of your pay check on child care and so forth.

Jobs have benefits other than the money.

1. You get to see and talk to other adults about things of mutual interest.
2. It makes you get up and clean up
3. It keeps you away from food and smoking temptations while you work
4. Rightly or wrongly a pay check usually gets you some respect and it tells you that someone thinks you are valuable enough to pay you for your time
5. You get some more exercise. You, at least, have to walk to the car.
6. There may actually be some money left over after expenses

I think a part time job, after you get used to the routine, would do you a world of good.

[Rowan MoonDragon]

Sweetie, I TOTALLY symathize with you. I dont have any answers but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. :hugz: