Messed up again

[Malcolm]

So yeah I guess I'll just lay it all out.

I left a friends house late last night, and stopped by another friends. I ran into a girl I used to know and we eneded up hanging out untill very early in the morning. She followed me home.

We spent the wee hours of the morning into early sunrise finishing a bottle of chartreus one thing led to another blah blah blah..It was good hanging out with someone, y'know that feeling when you meet someone and you seem to connect and the birds are chirping and the sun is rising on a new possibility. Before I knew it it was like eight, almost nine, in the morning. I said I really needed to go to sleep because I had alot to do today. She was really cool about it and started gathering her things to leave. I told her she didn't have to leave or anything I was just tired. We talked some more and she stayed. I was glad she did, it felt right.

Anyway I couldn't sleep so I went out to the living room, still hammered as all hell. This is when things went south.

My phone rings. Its my ex. I'm drunk and tired and slurring a bit. She starts in on me about how she has to meet with her study group and that our daughter is sick, so I have to come over and watch her. I told her I couldn't. She starts telling me how irresponsible I am and why she can't trust me and a whole mess of things. I told her I didn't want to be around Indi when I'd been drinking. But thats all Isaid. I didn't tell her that thats not how I want her to see me, or have memories of me, not to mention the drive would've been a bad idea anyway. Needless to say I ended up feeling like a complete jack ass.

I hung up on her. I was so mad I was shaking. I hadn't planned on doing anything important today. I figured why not get smashed, no harm no foul right? I met someone I really like and had a good night. Then the sun came along and Loveed it all up...

I feel so worthless right now. I made a mistake. I admit that. But why in the hell does it always work out this way? She ended up getting a mutual friend of ours to stay with my daughter. I called her later(the friend) because we had plans to go out tonight and she's pissed at me too. She was really cold on the phone and I couldn't even be bothered to give a shit.

Yes, Daniel is worthless. No you can't trust him. Yes he will always let you down.

I'm really growing tired of this life.

It just seems like every time something good happens, or I have some fun, life steps in and Loves with me. Alright, I get it. I have responsibilities, but what the Love...am I not allowed to have any fun ever? Am I not allowed to move on with my life? Am I just supposed to sit here and stagnate waiting for my next opportunity to be responsible?

p.s. love = F#%ck, or any of its variants...Mol me and your profanity filter need to have a talk...

[Mother Goose]

hmmmmmmmmm.....maybe you should take a good look at your siggy. ;)

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
-Sophocles

Although I'm not sure I agree that we are the 'sole' cause of all of our adversities....it's a good place to start working on becoming the person you want to be, Daniel. Start by accepting that you are NOT worthless...belittling yourself will not make you feel better or make it possible for you to start changing. Every 'problem' in our lives can be viewed as an opportunity to improve ourselves. Every difficulty that we face will help us learn and grow.

I'll be honest...I think you were right about not wanting your daughter to see you drunk. I want to commend you on that decision. :hugz: As for your ex saying how irresponsible you are...well, start SHOWING her that you're not. You have it within your power to be a responsible person, and no, that's not always fun, but being a grown-up just isn't all fun & games. We do have to take care of our responsiblities BEFORE we get to play.

Sending you strength to help you find the motivation to begin changing your life for the better. :)

[kytti]

Going out one night and having a good time does not make you irresponsible or worthless. If you had to work the next day...yes that would be irresponsible. If you knew that you had to look after your daughter...yes I can understand why your ex thinks you always let her down. But from what you said that isn't the case. She asked you at the last minute to look after her. You unfortunately were not in a position to do that. Of course you are not going to look after her when you are drunk. And of course you are not going to drive over there drunk. Both those decisions sound pretty responsible to me.
I don't know the situation. Maybe you go out every night. Or maybe your ex thinks she can control you. Sounds like there are some unresolved issues between you and your ex. Anyway....for what its worth....I don't think you should let one person determine how you feel about yourself.

[Raven Reed]

Why would your ex would expect you to look after your child if you had been drinking? That sounds unresponsible to me. I think you did the right thing. I don't understand why you think you made a mistake. If you are there when you are supposed to be there, don't feel guilty if you can't when you are not.

[StarCraftLia]

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[tarotgirljess]

Wait a minute... Your ex wanted you to drive drunk.
go get your daughter and keep/drive her while under the influence
without ANY warning? Just call hey come get her?
She didn't have a sitter and she obviously has your phone number could she have called the night before to say "hey i need you to keep the baby tomorrow ok?"
And YOU are irresponsible?
I throw the BS flag on that. you can not keep your life on perpetual hold on the off chance she may or may not call. look for a pm from me. i think you and i could have alot to talk about.
The other thing you can do is never ever be drunk again just on the off chance she may call you.
Jess

[Eventide]

I'll be the first to admit I don't have a clue about parenting, I don't have any children of my own but it seems to me that your ex was in a jam and conveniently turned to you for help. Why she should be surprised and angry that you weren't available is only something you can know. Maybe you both need to review whatever arrangement you have for "emergencies"?

Guilt is an ugly master, the burden of it can really break your spirit, I suggest taking a good nap and then eat a good meal. Then go over to your ex's and see how you can resolve this.

[Moonlite Faery]

I definately go along with targogirljess on this one. I wouldnt want my ex telling me to drive anywhere drunk!!!! thats being totally unreasonable right there! Now if it was your "turn" to watch your daughter or something then that would be different. But I dont think you yourself are a jack hole or anything.

[Malcolm]

You guys are awesome. You really do give a good perspective to things.

But I fucked up. Thats my daughter, and I wasn't able to help. I wasn't there for her. She needed me. Damn her mom, I don't care what she had going on. Thats not my concern anymore. I should ALWAYS be available for Idi. It breaks my heart. I failed pure and simple. She was sick, and I shouldn't have been there. Not couldn't, shouldn't have been. She's the only thing I'm loyal to anymore and I fucked up. I love that kid. I don't love anything anymore except her, and I fucked up.