Ex-boyfriend problems and crap I just need to vent

[taki yume]

*Sigh* Where to begin....

I suppose my problem with relationships in general started in 10th grade (about 2 or 3 years ago) when I had my first "boyfriend" (and I use that in the loosest sense of the term...I don't really consider it a real relationship), Andrew (I'm going to use fake names here cause I just don't feel confortable using the real ones). He's really short and has/had self-esteem issues. He was taking a break from dating because it was just too much drama for him, but his friends found out that I had a crush on him. The basically harrassed him into asking me out because it would "boost his self-esteem". 1) What kind of friends DO that? 2) Who basis a "relationship" on that anyway?!
In the end he broke up with me to date someone else. Oh well, big loss there, right? @_@
(Note: I didn't really figure this all out until after we broke up. Something that happens everytime.)

While we had been dating (Andrew and I), my friend Matt decided to bring Dance Dance Revolution for us to play during lunch since none of us did anything or ate anyway. Matt and Andrew met and to this day are best friends.

THEN! Matt came to me and told me that he was bi and had a crush on Andrew. I didn't have a problem with it (although I was kind of jelious because I had more of a crush on Matt than anyone else, including before I dated Andrew). Matt ended up telling Andrew, but Andrew was just kind of like "Well that's great, but I'm not all that interested. Lets just be friends."

About two weeks later, Matt asked me out. Why, I'll never know. He doesn't either, which is just wonderful.

We dated for about 14 and half months, and I don't even know if I consider THIS a real relationship. I was used, abused and had my emotions toyed with for over a year because of this guy, who never really cared about me.

I should have realized what was going on when after 3 months, he claimed to "love me". Plus, Matt is an uber pervert. There is no limit or end to what he'll try to get away with, or where. He pressured me to do stuff (sexually) that I never wanted any part of, and when I told him "no" or just pulled away, he'd usually stop. Then we'd go home and he'd call or IM and guilt trip me. And then try again the next time we were together. And I'm not just talking alone. Movie theaters, even with our friends and YOUNGER SIBLINGS next to us. He even tried to get me to blow him in the back of the car with my family and his best friend next to/in front of us!

I finally got sick of being around him (that and he started to make my skin crawl) and broke up with him, thank the Gods. I think that's the only GOOD decision I've ever made in my life. I don't know why I ever put up with him, or how I managed to for so long. He didn't care when I broke up with him either! He, the guy who CLAIMED he loved me, didn't give a crap! He just kind of laughed and said "wow, what a way to start a morning."

...To think I ever let myself care and worry about him. I'm such a moron.

This rant doesn't even give justice to what he did, or how I feel from it. I'm so metanlly scarred I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. I've never been raped (unless Matt and his constant sexual pressure count), but I feel like I have. Its the only way I can think of to explain how horrible he is and how I feel after this.

And I still cared about him for 4 months after I broke up with him. For FOUR MONTHS I actually MISSED being with him. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was treated so horribly, like I wasn't even a person, and yet I felt like I made a MISTAKE breaking up with him. (Of course, I know better now, 6 months after breaking up with him (that's 2 months after I felt like I made a mistake).) I even told him so evenutally. I thank the God's that after we broke up he decided to be gay again. He told me that at "this point in his life" he wasn't ready to try a relationship with me again, but he could see us together at some point down the road. And to my ever lasting shame, I was sort of happy. I was like a small glimmer of hope, at the time.
Is there no limit to my stupidity?


I hate him now. Thank the Gods I've realized what happened and what he did to me. My friends all know I hate him. He doesn't know that I hate him though. For the last 6 months, he thought that we were still friends. Although I've shunned him the last week or so, so he asked me last night if he did something to upset me recently. I told him "no, not recently". I think he got the message because he said something and then we got a bit into how he treated me and he "didn't know it bothered me so much". LIKE HELL HE DIDN'T KNOW! I TOLD HIM ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS THAT IT BOTHERED ME, AND ALL HE DID WAS SAY "well its what I'm used to in a relationship."

He tried to defend himself. I don't remember what the excuse was, I was too upset from slicing open old wounds. But it was basically along the lines of "i didn't know it bothered you" and "before i met you, that's why i dated people."

In the end, I told him that I couldn't deal with being around him in person, but I'd be able to be civil with him online. He said that he'd respect it. It's sad, but that's the only positive thing he's ever done for me. And its really not all that much.

And thinking about it now, from what he said last night, it almost sounded like he actually missed me.

Oh, I think I remember what his defense was. I think he said that he now realized that he lost a wonderful person because he was too busy treating them (me) like I wasn't there other than to please him. Or basically something like that was said...(I'm trying hard to remember what really was said and in what order so I don't twist this this story. I hate it when people tell something their own way to make people side with them, and I'm going to extreme efforts not to do it here.)

The thing is, is that he never "loved" me. I know he didn't, he wouldn't have done what he did if he "loved" me. Of course, I have no faith in the words "I love you". I never have, even before I met him (although for a time, I thought that I DID "love" him...but I was just dillusional, as always).


And so concludes my long, confusing, pathetic and insane rant. Which no one will probably bother to read, but I just needed to write this all somewhere...

Am I wrong to think that he misses me? ...Oh Gods, please help me. I think, dispite it all, I'm starting, not much but the slightest, tinyest bit, to miss him again. I don't WANT to want him back! I had had half a chance, I would honestly, probably, muder him. That's how much I hate him.

This is all so incredibly stupid...Why am I such a loser? >.<!

[Gypsy flower]

your not a loser your pretty normal..
number one, boys that age or most any age dont know what love really is anyway.. and It has taken me this long to figure this out, its normal to miss him, or at least some things about him as well, I miss my exs as well but I wouldnt go back to any of them, I just tell myself there was a reason we broke up, leopards dont change there spots if it happened before it will happen again more then likly, move on theres alot more out there!!

[gingermoon]

You are not stupid either! Everyone has had bad relationships. It's what you learn about yourself from these relationships that is the only good thing that comes from them.
I say avoid this guy like the plague. Anyone who forces you to do stuff you don't want to do is not good for you, mentally or physically! Personally I only think he was saying that he missed you because you finally stood up to him and told him how you felt. Now that he knows he doesn't have your attention anymore he wants it!

[Renny]

I know exactly how you feel with the pressure, like you said you havent been raped but you felt like you were. I had a similar boyfriend that I dated for a long time, he didn't start pressuring me until later though and it got really bad, to the point of fighting physically. And he'd want to do stuff around other people too. He would never respond to no... I had to fight with him to make him stop and it was just a giant mess.

You sound really lonely and like you just want some comfort after what this guy did to you, but he's the only thing you've ever had that is remotely close to that comfort. Find the support someplace else, and you need to get the point across to him that you hated how he used to treat you and you don't want that in your life. My aforementioned ex harassed me after breaking up and I had to be really firm, completely mean to him to get him to leave me alone. This guy doesn't deserve your kindness.. dont be afraid to completely go off on him.

Hope it works out

[SammieAnn]

you are not a loser. It is normal to have these feelings after a breakup, even if you are the one doing the breaking up. You broke up with him for a good reason. I would just keep reminding yourself of that fact and take what you learned from this experience, apply it to your next relationship.

[BrigidMoon]

_pounce_

Hope you feel better. You are definitely not a loser or stupid.

[taki yume]

I've come so close to going off on him...But I never have the opportunity to. He is the one who IM's me and so the topic is sort of his choice...I don't feel like going off on him for what he did when we're talking about the weather, it just wouldn't make sense (though I probably would feel better). I hold converstations in my head where I just go off and yell and scream at him for what an insensitive bastard he is (please excuse my language, but its true.)

I think that I am lonely and just want comfort. I never knew the words to describe how I feel because of all this until someone here said it. The thing is, is that I don't know where to turn for the comfort. I complain to my friends about him all the time, and they're supportive and listen for which I am grateful, but I don't want to continue doing it. Everyone has a limit to how much of the same thing they can listen to, and I think one of my friends has already reached her's, if all of them haven't.

I don't want to be obssessed with this the way I am. I feel like its all I ever think about anymore: how much I hate him, flashbacks of the things he forced me to do (and these happen at the most inconvient moments too, like when I'm in class or trying to eat lunch or something), all the times he ignored and neglected me because he was busy with HIS friends, the time he told me to my FACE that he would never put me before his friends, when he got mad at one of my bestfriends (who is also a really good friend of his) because I had promised her FIRST that I would hang out with her that night (all of my close friends go to a different school, while I go to the same school as him and see him every day), all his stupid guilt trips because I didn't WANT to do something, the times I tried to explain how I felt to him and he wouldn't listen and guilt trip me some more.... I wish I could just for get all of it ever happened, that he even exsists...

I hate this. I don't know who I can go to for comfort anymore. I'm not comfortable talking about this with anyone I personally know, not even my closest friends. I'm too ashamed of how far I let things go without realizing what a lier he was...The person who has the most knowledge of what he did to me would be a guy that I met over the summer at an anime convention (he's friends with the bestfriend that my ex yelled at. We were going to try a long distance thing, but a lot of things got in the way and we figured out that it wouldn't work). He's in New York right now and doesn't want me to have more than friend feelings for him because it'll be "easier for us this way".

I suppose what I want is for there to be someone in the area that I live that I can visit easily, to hold me when I'm having one of my nervous or emotional breakdowns because of how much I hate myself for allowing him to do all of that to me. But there is no one in this area I like in that sense, or would feel comfortable holding me for that amount of time (I've had serious personal space issues since I can remember, it was so bad that I refused to hug my mom when I was little. I don't remember it, but she says that I did..)

And no offence to those girly-girls out there reading this, or anyone that likes to be held in general, but I feel incredibly lame for saying that I actually want someone to hold me. I don't know why, but it makes me feel worthless and stupid, that I acutally NEED someone else with me. I've pretty much been alone my whole life, I stay in my room all the time and don't come out unless I have to (and this is an ALWAYS thing, not just an emo teenager/growing up thing).

My friend said once that I try to act stronger than I really am, and I'm really actually very fragile. As much as I hate to admit it (stupid pride and extream need for independence), she's probably right...
My wanting someone else is probably why I feel like a loser: I want to be alone, I don't WANT to want to be around or need anyone else, yet at the same time I feel the exact opposite all at once.

I really hate this.



P.S. Thanks to everyone who has responded to this with advice, or support or just even thoughts and comments in general.

[SammieAnn]

maybe you could write him a letter, writing down all your thaughts and feelings down on paper and then either bury it some where or rip it up. just don't actually send it to him. It might sound strange but it is very theraputic and helps because it gives you an outlet for your feelings.

[taki yume]

maybe you could write him a letter, writing down all your thaughts and feelings down on paper and then either bury it some where or rip it up. just don't actually send it to him. It might sound strange but it is very theraputic and helps because it gives you an outlet for your feelings.


Hmm...I never thought of that. I might try it, it sounds like a good idea..

Thanks ^_^




I feel bad sitting here complaining about my life and how horrible I feel because of how my ex treated me. I mean, there are people here who's problems are MUCH more serious than some stupid trauma that in all reality is my fault (to an extent. I'm not going to take all the blame, but it is partially my fault).

I don't remember her name, but there's a girl here who is LITERALLY a starving college student. We have another girl who was just raped by her best friend (a guy) who she has known for at least 10 years (if memory serves correctly).

Where do I get off complaining about MY life, when worse things have happened to other people, and I've actually FOLLOWED their threads? I feel completely insensitive, shallow and petty...

[SSanf]

This, too, will pass.

[Kaylara]

Hmm...I never thought of that. I might try it, it sounds like a good idea..

Thanks ^_^




I feel bad sitting here complaining about my life and how horrible I feel because of how my ex treated me. I mean, there are people here who's problems are MUCH more serious than some stupid trauma that in all reality is my fault (to an extent. I'm not going to take all the blame, but it is partially my fault).

I don't remember her name, but there's a girl here who is LITERALLY a starving college student. We have another girl who was just raped by her best friend (a guy) who she has known for at least 10 years (if memory serves correctly).

Where do I get off complaining about MY life, when worse things have happened to other people, and I've actually FOLLOWED their threads? I feel completely insensitive, shallow and petty...

Trying to quantify your experiences based on what has happened to someone else is not going to do you any good. There will always be someone who's got bigger problems. That doesn't mean that yours are any less stressful or meaningful to you. Don't feel guilty for being upset over what's happening to you.

[SammieAnn]

Trying to quantify your experiences based on what has happened to someone else is not going to do you any good. There will always be someone who's got bigger problems. That doesn't mean that yours are any less stressful or meaningful to you. Don't feel guilty for being upset over what's happening to you.
exactly

[taki yume]

Ugh...More stupid crap that's messing with my head that I just need to vent. Thoughts on this would be nice, but I don't think anyone cares anymore at this point (I'm sure I've gotten pretty annoying at this point...)


Ok, right now my ex-boyfriend isn't bothering me (he finally figured out that I wasn't being all "nice and chipper" around him and asked about it, so we had a "chat". So, it's not him that's bothering me right now....

What's bothering me is this guy that I met over the summer at an anime convention. I've talked about this before in other posts, and if you've read them please bare with me...

Said guy has been friends with one of my friends for the last 3 years or so, so I know that he's a good person and all (she has really good taste in friends and people in general). We hung out for the 3 days that anime con's usually last. I suppose he was really attracted to me, why: I'll never know, and I liked him so we've been trying to keep in touch. He's a few states away and in college so recently it's been hard to talk, but at first we talked for hours every night. He wanted to try a long-distance relationship, but a week later he decided that he wanted to give up on that (he couldn't take the pressure or something...not that there WAS any pressure, but whatever @_@). I still really like him and for a while didn't want to date anyone but him. I wanted to wait until we'd be able to figure out how to see if it would work, but now I'm not so sure...

I don't know anymore...I still really like him, but now I'm becoming attracted to someone else. I feel like I'm boy-crazy or something, because I seem to like a lot of guys off and on...(like, I'll like one boy for a while and then either like someone else in addition or I'll give up on boy 1 and like boy 2 instead.) It drives me insane, I hate being like this...

Maybe I do this because I'm really afraid of people and just don't want to get too attached so I don't "limit myself" or something (for lack of better words).

Anyway, right now I feel like I'm betraying Anime-Boy for liking this other guy, but it's not like I have a chance anyway...For one thing, I really don't know the new guy all that well. He's in anime club with me (I'm one of the presidents, he's a member...not that anyone really does anything, "political positions" or whatever don't really mean anything in the club, people mostly just come to hang out..) and he seems really nice, but he's pretty quiet. We talk for a while during the meetings, but it doesn't usually last for more than a few minutes... Another thing, I'm a senior, he's a sophomore. Don't get me wrong, I don't think age really matters, and this is only about 2 years difference anyway. I'm not worried about what "anyone else thinks". I hate just about everyone at my school and I don't care what they think... But I can't shake the feeling that, for whatever reason, IF we were to date, it'd be a bit weird. Not that it would ever happen, but still. Maybe I'm letting the age thing get to me, I don't know... Lastly, I seem to only be attracted to the guys who are either complete idiots and losers (literally), have serious control issues, or both. I've learned that no one is who they seem in public...

I don't know...This is all messing with my head a lot and I just had to get it out.

Is it stupid to like someone, know it won't work out and then like someone else only to know that nothing will come of that crush either?

I feel more shallow and petty than before now...Why am I such a loser?

[HorseCrow]

:hugz: