Autumnsong
October 10th, 2005, 11:43 PM
((This is a long read; if you do take the time to read it all, my thanks in advance.))
I'm at my wit's end.
I'll admit that the idea of coming to a forum as an anonymous face, and talking about something like this to hundreds of people I don't know, seemed a little silly. And I figured that no one would really want to listen to the troubles of one nameless girl, but...
At the same time, the thought that maybe someone out there could offer me advice or solace -- well, it's so appealing.
For the past four years, I have been madly in love with someone. A man who returned the love I felt, who was my motivation through my rough times, a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear when I needed it. We were friends before we were 'lovers' - and in him, I have found more than just the person I want to spend my life with, but one of the truest friends I have ever known.
In the beginning, we talked occasionally after school, but as time went on, we spent more and more time in each other's company. Soon, any free time we had, we spent together. About a year after I met him, he stopped me just before I had to leave, and told me that if he didn't get something off of his chest, he was going to burst.
He told me that hearing my name made him smile. That looking at me, seeing me smile at him, took his breath away. That every time he heard someone say my name in a store or public place, he'd half expect to turn and see me there, too, waiting for him... That every day he came home from work or school, looking forward to nothing but being with me...
And then he told me he loved me.
I was so blown away, so overwhelmed.. I almost left the house without my shoes.
So another year passed, and gods... he was everything to me. In my life before him, there was nothing that made me feel such boundless love, nor have I experienced anything like it since.
But in the summer of '03, something happened to bring that all crashing down around my ears.
I received word that, while on the way back from a group camping trip, Brian (name changed to protect the innocent! heh) - who was a volunteer driver for the outing - had lost control of his car.
He drove a little black Mazda -- it crossed over the center divide on the freeway, into the lanes of oncoming traffic, where he hit another car head-on. And that's not all... Behind the two of them had been a deisel truck/trailer, that couldn't stop quickly enough to avoid the accident ahead.
One of the boys (Brian's best friend 'Nathan') who'd been with him on that trip, had been driving the car behind Brian... Nathan was the first one on the scene, the first to call 9-1-1...
He was the one who told me about the accident.
Nathan had approached the car to find my beloved Brian barely conscious in it, muttering to himself. "Where's Jami?" he wanted to know.
Trapped in a mangled hunk of metal while the life slowly drained out of him, he wanted to know where I was. If I was okay.
They loaded him into the ambulance, and the last thing Nathan heard Brian say, was "Tell her I love her."
And then he told me that Brian never made it to the ER.
The months after that happened in a blur of events I don't remember too clearly. I know that I didn't eat or sleep for days on end, I know that I drew into myself to the point that one of my best friends couldn't even Sense my aura anymore.. I was so lost.
After a while I decided that I would never get better if I didn't get back out into the world. I got into different hobbies, got a job, made friends... And then I met another man, whom I dated for 10 months...
And received the second biggest shock of my life.
Almost one full year after Brian's death, I received an email from someone with the same handle that Brian had used. At first, I was furious that someone would do something so cruel, but as I read that email, I began to realize that this was the one thing that I had dreamed of so many times. This was the single most impossible thing that could ever have happened.
Brian was alive.
Apparently he'd been in a coma for several months, and spent several more in rehabilitation and therapy. When he was well enough to do so, he'd tried to contact me - but I'd moved and changed my internet handles... By the time he found me, I was dating someone else..
It crushed him..
But he gathered the courage to contact me anyway..
That was last summer.
Now, I spend every single day of my life wishing that I could see him, touch him... He's 2500 miles away from me, and I haven't heard the sound of his voice in two years.
Brian is afraid to let himself fall for me again, and in a way, I don't blame him.
In his eyes: If I could date someone else, what would stop me from doing it again?
As though I've broken his trust somehow.
But here's my dilemma:
Here I sit, on the other side of the country, knowing that he's alive, that he's safe... And I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and hear him singing to me again.
But he says he's afraid, and he says he doesn't know if he can be with me again. In fact, right now he's placed himself on a sort of 'break' - and we talk maybe once or twice a month.
And as hard as I try, I can't get over him. Right now, I miss him so much that it's hard to breathe...
Am I right in waiting? In hoping that he'll settle the problems he has in his life, so that he'll be able to be with me again? Or should I cut my losses, and look at the men who've been here for me through the whole ordeal, and consider them as... better?
Believe it or not, I've been vague here... if someone wants clarification, PM me or something, but... ANY feedback is welcome.. I don't know what to do anymore, honestly.. :wah:
I'm at my wit's end.
I'll admit that the idea of coming to a forum as an anonymous face, and talking about something like this to hundreds of people I don't know, seemed a little silly. And I figured that no one would really want to listen to the troubles of one nameless girl, but...
At the same time, the thought that maybe someone out there could offer me advice or solace -- well, it's so appealing.
For the past four years, I have been madly in love with someone. A man who returned the love I felt, who was my motivation through my rough times, a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear when I needed it. We were friends before we were 'lovers' - and in him, I have found more than just the person I want to spend my life with, but one of the truest friends I have ever known.
In the beginning, we talked occasionally after school, but as time went on, we spent more and more time in each other's company. Soon, any free time we had, we spent together. About a year after I met him, he stopped me just before I had to leave, and told me that if he didn't get something off of his chest, he was going to burst.
He told me that hearing my name made him smile. That looking at me, seeing me smile at him, took his breath away. That every time he heard someone say my name in a store or public place, he'd half expect to turn and see me there, too, waiting for him... That every day he came home from work or school, looking forward to nothing but being with me...
And then he told me he loved me.
I was so blown away, so overwhelmed.. I almost left the house without my shoes.
So another year passed, and gods... he was everything to me. In my life before him, there was nothing that made me feel such boundless love, nor have I experienced anything like it since.
But in the summer of '03, something happened to bring that all crashing down around my ears.
I received word that, while on the way back from a group camping trip, Brian (name changed to protect the innocent! heh) - who was a volunteer driver for the outing - had lost control of his car.
He drove a little black Mazda -- it crossed over the center divide on the freeway, into the lanes of oncoming traffic, where he hit another car head-on. And that's not all... Behind the two of them had been a deisel truck/trailer, that couldn't stop quickly enough to avoid the accident ahead.
One of the boys (Brian's best friend 'Nathan') who'd been with him on that trip, had been driving the car behind Brian... Nathan was the first one on the scene, the first to call 9-1-1...
He was the one who told me about the accident.
Nathan had approached the car to find my beloved Brian barely conscious in it, muttering to himself. "Where's Jami?" he wanted to know.
Trapped in a mangled hunk of metal while the life slowly drained out of him, he wanted to know where I was. If I was okay.
They loaded him into the ambulance, and the last thing Nathan heard Brian say, was "Tell her I love her."
And then he told me that Brian never made it to the ER.
The months after that happened in a blur of events I don't remember too clearly. I know that I didn't eat or sleep for days on end, I know that I drew into myself to the point that one of my best friends couldn't even Sense my aura anymore.. I was so lost.
After a while I decided that I would never get better if I didn't get back out into the world. I got into different hobbies, got a job, made friends... And then I met another man, whom I dated for 10 months...
And received the second biggest shock of my life.
Almost one full year after Brian's death, I received an email from someone with the same handle that Brian had used. At first, I was furious that someone would do something so cruel, but as I read that email, I began to realize that this was the one thing that I had dreamed of so many times. This was the single most impossible thing that could ever have happened.
Brian was alive.
Apparently he'd been in a coma for several months, and spent several more in rehabilitation and therapy. When he was well enough to do so, he'd tried to contact me - but I'd moved and changed my internet handles... By the time he found me, I was dating someone else..
It crushed him..
But he gathered the courage to contact me anyway..
That was last summer.
Now, I spend every single day of my life wishing that I could see him, touch him... He's 2500 miles away from me, and I haven't heard the sound of his voice in two years.
Brian is afraid to let himself fall for me again, and in a way, I don't blame him.
In his eyes: If I could date someone else, what would stop me from doing it again?
As though I've broken his trust somehow.
But here's my dilemma:
Here I sit, on the other side of the country, knowing that he's alive, that he's safe... And I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and hear him singing to me again.
But he says he's afraid, and he says he doesn't know if he can be with me again. In fact, right now he's placed himself on a sort of 'break' - and we talk maybe once or twice a month.
And as hard as I try, I can't get over him. Right now, I miss him so much that it's hard to breathe...
Am I right in waiting? In hoping that he'll settle the problems he has in his life, so that he'll be able to be with me again? Or should I cut my losses, and look at the men who've been here for me through the whole ordeal, and consider them as... better?
Believe it or not, I've been vague here... if someone wants clarification, PM me or something, but... ANY feedback is welcome.. I don't know what to do anymore, honestly.. :wah: