Spiritual matters...

[Rosana]

I've posted about my crisis of faith some time ago, but things are getting constantly worse... And they now involves my husband, I'm afraid :(
I was in "the dark night of the soul" state, basking in anger, disappointment and sadness. When I've step on this path over five years ago, I was in heaven. Hey, people, I found my faith! Now it all have crumbled into pieces.
Crisis of faith is a serious matter I think and when it starts to involve your SO, it sucks twice as bad. I'll try to explain what I mean.
I don't worship any gods, don't contact with them - honestly, I don't respect them. For me, they are sitting on the cloud high up the sky and piss on our heads, don't bothering about our prayers or free will. Some people say I'm a fallen angel (LOL), some - that before my incarnations I was a goddess and now I'm so pissed off at the gods because they exiled me from their plane. How is it, I don't know. And don't care, really.
So I've left prayers, my usual spiritual routine, even magick, and started to be a cynical, rational bitch. But my husband is still very involved. He suffers when sees me ranting about spirituality and magick, insulting (I'm ashamed...) others. I do it because of envy - I envy them their experiences, their feeling of closeness to gods, their magickal successes... Het can' help me, he tried several times and I ended disgusted and more and more disappointed.
What to do, where to go? Is there any way to become "a good pagan" once again? I still feel strong sentiment towards paganism, but I'm angry at people and gods. What can I do? What do you advise? Keep trying to get back on track or discovering new horizons and walk along totally different path?

[BrigidMoon]

Well I feel everyone gets this way. There may be a situation or just consistent let down that creates it. When you feel you've been kicked in the teeth over and over again, it's very difficult to continue believing and continuing down your spiritual path. As for beginning again, where do you want to begin? What CAN you believe in?

I don't think you're a"bad" pagan... so depending on what you define is a "good" pagan - if that's what you want to be, then, of course!

I'd start slow, baby steps...find the positive out of this time of year and what it means to you and try to relate that in some way to the gods/goddesses you usually or used believe in.

See if that helps.

Also, how long has it been since a good cleansing ritual? Perhaps that would help clean the slate a bit.

If your old path doesn't work for you, then, of course exploring new ones won't hurt.

I'm sorry your SO is suffering while you're going through this change. But if it's this pronounced there must be a reason for it.

_pounce_

[Sage Rainsong]

I have been in that exact state for about 2 years now and Im crawling my way out of it slowly, so I can completely relate to you. You can't really try to have faith. Honestly that makes it worse. Also I think the gods stopped listen so I can learn to use my own energy rather than theirs if that makes sense. Just try to feel your energies ( I have a good meditation if you want it, pm me) and your conection to the earth before contacting the gods. Maybe the gods are just showing you tough love so you can grow as a person. Its a lot harder when you know other people seem very spiritual and connected. Don't worry so much about how bad or good you are. A good pagan values all of his/her emotions. You could try writing down all of your emotions. Yell scream bitch kick things, all that you have to in order to get through the emotions rather than try to banish them. After you bitching you could burn the letters and cleans the area. I hope this helps even though it probably seems like nothing anoyone says will help. Blessings to you.

[Rosana]

Thank you so much for your replies! :hugz:
Well, Sage, the point is, I DON'T WANT to have contacts with gods. But still I envy people who have their patrons. But I'm sure I'd like to stay in my "godlessness" :) Life is full of paradox, heh...
But it's very, very hard to me to establish a spiritual connection to the Higher Planes in my present state. I think it's stemming from my "good pagan syndrome" - every real pagan has a patron or at least worship gods. I'm sick of it... That's why I'd love to see some replies from other epigignotheists here... I might PM some of them, ask questions... Do you think it's OK? I don't want to force anyone to share their views and spirituality with me, I just want some help :(

[BrigidMoon]

Thank you so much for your replies! :hugz:
Well, Sage, the point is, I DON'T WANT to have contacts with gods. But still I envy people who have their patrons. But I'm sure I'd like to stay in my "godlessness" :) Life is full of paradox, heh...
But it's very, very hard to me to establish a spiritual connection to the Higher Planes in my present state. I think it's stemming from my "good pagan syndrome" - every real pagan has a patron or at least worship gods. I'm sick of it... That's why I'd love to see some replies from other epigignotheists here... I might PM some of them, ask questions... Do you think it's OK? I don't want to force anyone to share their views and spirituality with me, I just want some help :(


Well, have you possibly researched a goddess or god that went against the grain with the beliefs? Or was a rebel? Perhaps you can find a fondness for a god or goddess that does that. I don't feel necessarily you have to have a patron in order to be a good pagan. What about routing your thoughts and feelings and beliefs in nature and cycle of life more of a Native American route than possibly a pagan route with gods and goddesses involved?

[Rosana]

:D I've thought of that... Quite nice idea :) I wouldn't mix Native American beliefs with Norse lore I'm very fond of, so I must find a compromise :) Well, I think that I must sit down and put down all my core beliefs to find a little clue on where to go...

Some time ago I was fascinated by Skadi, Norse goddess of snow and winter. She's still marvellous to me - independent, strong, rebellious - she has everything I admire and everything I don't have :lol: All my life I was drawn to Norse mythology and runes, but Asatru also does not satisfy me (sighs).

BrigidMoon, if I'll find my path, I'll ask you for a name for it! :D Thanks for help :hugz:

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless your heart Rosana,Ill pray for you friend.

Sometimes I dont feel loved,but it soon passes when the Lord somehow drops a word into my heart,telling me to hang on,and telling me I am loved from heaven,and he see,s my trouble.

And I know,that all my trouble,will one day come to pass.I believe God has good things in store for me,not only in this life,but in the life to come,and I believe he does for you as well.

I also feel loved by a Goddess ,and I still dont know her name,but have been praying for months to have her tell me,im sure she will in due time,she is worth the wait,maybe she wants to know I am serious about her,who knows,but I open my heart to let her rule me,and to give her the respect she deserves,I will honor her and give her my service and love.

Bless you.

[BrigidMoon]

:D I've thought of that... Quite nice idea :) I wouldn't mix Native American beliefs with Norse lore I'm very fond of, so I must find a compromise :) Well, I think that I must sit down and put down all my core beliefs to find a little clue on where to go...

Some time ago I was fascinated by Skadi, Norse goddess of snow and winter. She's still marvellous to me - independent, strong, rebellious - she has everything I admire and everything I don't have :lol: All my life I was drawn to Norse mythology and runes, but Asatru also does not satisfy me (sighs).

BrigidMoon, if I'll find my path, I'll ask you for a name for it! :D Thanks for help :hugz:

Skadi sounds like an awesome place to start.
Glad to be of help!
I can try to come up with a creative name. James Dean Paganism? :p
How rebellious can you get than that?
:smoochypo