Frustrated

[LittlePerson]

I'm just feeling down again. It sucks. I'm feeling bad because I feel like my dreams for a family are never gonna happen. I feel like it's hopeless. I know that I only need to wait a year for my husband to be okay with my age. He wants us to wait till I'm thirty. I know it's silly but I had agreed. And we haven't been financially able to try for a baby. But I'm depressed thinking we never will be ever. I hate feeling like I can't ever get ahead. My husband says I can't do it on my own that he has to work. But he's been out of work for a couple years now. Part of this time I agreed he should stay out of work so that all his earnings wouldn't go straight to creditors. But we've been through bankruptcy now since june and he's had july, august, and september to keep looking for work. I went next door at work asking about openings and nothing.

I know that three months isn't long but I feel that that much time two years in the long run is. I hate to feel so frustrated. His mom has said she'd help him with career counseling. His stepdad has said he'd try to get a job for him in customer service at his company. But neither has happened. They are busy people. I've offered to help him with his resume, have found possible job ads and e-mailed them to him. I asked him to look at classifieds this morning. Which he did say he did do when I called him.
But thing is with gas prices so high he's gonna waste gas going all around town just applying for jobs he may never hear from. And I know that's a good reason for him having a hard time. We have one car and I am having to take it to work instead of having him drop me off and pick me up so we can save gas. He can't get to places to apply if he doesn't have the car.
He does do stuff at home for me all the time, cleaning does the cooking.
I'm just frustrated because I feel like that family will never grow, never happen, that we'll always be in this two room apt if he can't get work and won't work. He says he wants to, says he wants to better our living conditions, but I'm losing hope and I don't want to.
I've prayed. I've prayed so much, even put a prayer into the wall in jerusaleum via internet.
I'd thought about what I'd do without him and I just love him too much to picture my life without him. I am just so depressed. When will our luck become good? When will things start to get moving? When will I get out of this pessimistic funk? I need hugs.

[BrigidMoon]

First of all, congrats on keeping everything afloat! You're working really hard and doing a great job!

_pounce_

It's very tough right now. With prices going up on almost everything including gas it seems hopeless doesn't it? Well, I don't want you to give up hope just yet! He's still hopeful. Try putting a bit more pressure on the family members and see if they can't get him work somewhere and maybe carpool so you two can save money on gas and so can they in turn! At least they won't feel like they aren't getting something out of helping you.

I know he wants you two to wait for a baby but maybe he can rethink this? See if you can't talk to him again about it.

[Dio]

I know he wants you two to wait for a baby but maybe he can rethink this? See if you can't talk to him again about it.
I agree with everything BrigidMood just said. And on this note, there is never the perfect time to start a family. So, why wait? You could go your entire life waiting for the right time to do something, and it will never come. Then years down the road you look back at all the years you wasted when you could have been spending those years taking care of your children. I asked someone once why they didn't have any children, and they said to me that "they forgot to". How sad. Don't sit around and wait for the right time. It won't come. Just do it and work around it.

[Kalandriel]

They're both right. Nobody is ever 'ready' to have a child, especially the first.

And on a side note, is there any public transit where you live? A bus route or anything, that's always a good alternative to a car, I'll admit it's not all that fun, but it gets you places!

You've been keeping afloat thusfar though, congrats on that, and good luck :)

[LittlePerson]

Thanks guys, but seriously, if I can't afford to put my husband on my dental insurance, I sure as hell can't afford doctors visits and pampers and shots and all that good stuff that comes with babies. I am grateful for the praise. I know I'm doing the best I can. I just pray that G-d will bless us both and we'll be able to get ahead. I'm doing more than my fourty hours a week too. I've been working overtime and more than I used to. I'm just worn out I suppose. I have a week of vacation at the end of the month from the 24-28 so that will help but even so I dread knowing that because of it I won't be getting my overtime. And I've got jury duty (for the first time which makes me nervous not knowing if I'll even get in or not) next month it said appx time 2wks and those two things the vacation and jury duty will give me a break from work which I probably need.

We're just responsible people who don't want to bring a baby into the world that we can't afford to provide for. But wanting one so much makes it that much more heartbreaking that we cannot. I just pray something will happen that we can get out of this place we're living in, better ourselves, start a savings account, and then a family. I just don't see that happening in a year. I hope it happens before my clock stops.

[Cyzarine]

I know this may not be what you need but I will tell you my little story. Me and my husband have twin boys (9 months old). He works and I stay home with the boys. He make $427 clear per week. I am on WIC and Food Stamps for the babies and as well we have state insurance...which isn't all that bad. It was a surprise pregnancy and when I found out I really did not want to get state assistance because I felt it would make me look bad. Screw that, we pay taxes and all so the least the state can do is help out.

It may not be easy, it never is. I don't buy myself anything but the essentials. We spend about $175 a week for gas money and for us. The rest goes for groceries and baby clothing...plus diapers. Has your husband looked at getting insurance from the state. He's not working so he will not have a co-pay...and the child can go one state insurance as well. My boys ped is the greatest ped I have yet had. As well, most states have a work force develpoment center where they will help you find jobs...it's usually part of The Department of Family Services. There is no right time to have a child...you just have to realize that you will have to sacrifice looking good...and use the state.

[narleymarley03]

While you are on vacation, your husband needs to take the car and get a job before your vacation is up. I know good jobs are hard to come by, but you are carrying the load all by yourself. He can get something, even if it's not the greatest or pays the most. Why isn't he working?

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless your heart,I agree with BrigidMoon,bless you for keeping the house fed.

I live by myself with Tabitha,If I dont work,we dont eat,and food is a great motivator to go find a job.

Ill pray for you too little one,and ask God to help you and lift your heart up,and to uphold you also,and he is faithfull to see and help.

Also may the Lord bless you for carrying the load yourself.
sometimes(im not saying this is the case with you)men can become slothfull and not realize it,and sit at home all day while moma does all the work.He needs to find any job,even if he has to walk to work.

May the Lord help you,and lift up your spirit.

[LittlePerson]

He make $427 clear per week.That's still a lot more than I make after taxes. I only get something like 600 per bimonthly paycheck. Our rent is four hundred that includes utilities except for the phone/internet (we have no cable so we use the internet for entertainment) which is about $80. Then we have groceries and gas. We used to have laundry money too but we're doing our laundry at my mother-in-law's house now (he does it during the week while I'm working usually on fridays when I work from 8 to 8 my long day). And then I have my bc which is $15 a month. I was sick this month and had to pay about $70 in all for copay and drugs. Then we had car problems with the tires and had to get a tow and two new tires which cost a lot of money. Our insurance is coming up biyearly and will cost about fourhundred dollars. So, usually we have to get by on my overtime.
I just can't see relying on the state to pay for a baby when I should and need to do it myself unless it happens only by the grace of G-d and no planning was involved. I suppose I'm just really a proud person who was taught at a young age to work hard for everything in life by my dad.

I told him this morning I want him to go out looking for and applying for work while I'm on vacation. Told him he'd have the car that way without worrying about me. He said, yeah but it can only happen if gas is good and I said but think of it as compensation for not having to take me to work or me drive to work. I hope he does look.

Thanks Azz for your heartfelt post. I know you'll pray for me and I am truly thankful for that. Though I'm no longer a christian I know that people like you make up for the ones I know who are nothing but militant missionaries who don't care for other people's welfare. But we do share the same G-d. I pray to HaShem. And if he's getting twice the prayers perhaps it'll help.

[yavanna]

[QUOTE=LittlePerson]I feel like it's hopeless. I know that I only need to wait a year for my husband to be okay with my age. He wants us to wait till I'm thirty. I know it's silly but I had agreed. And we haven't been financially able to try for a baby.
QUOTE]

You're so strong to keep your house afloat financially by yourself, I know I couldn't do it. But I do sort of know how you may be feeling on the baby end of things. I want to have a baby so bad sometimes, but I have a thryroid problem and I need more medical help before it can happen but our insurance is really lousy and we can't afford it, so I have to wait until my DH gets a better job with better insurance which could be 2-6 years. I feel like I'll never be able to have a baby, and even when we do get medical help I still may not be able to conceive. When I get so frustrated though, I try and remember that 2-6 years is such a small part of my life and that even if I can't become pregnant I could always adopt. I'm sure you will have a baby someday. Waiting until you're sure you can afford it shows how responsible you are and what a good parent you'll be. But maybe the others are right, maybe having a baby while you make less would be more affordable because you could have more help from social programs. I don't know your situation, but you may check into it.

The job market sucks right now for permanent jobs, but there are lots of temp jobs at retail places, maybe he could get a crappy job while he looks for a better one? Having only one car stinks though.

But, you'll be in my thoughts, I hope you see the silver lining soon. :smoochypo

[tink88]

i know it sux waiting for things to happen but they will when the universe decides the time is right. don't give up! hope it all works out for you. much love. blessed be! tink xxx

[LittlePerson]

yavanna thank you for the empathy and your nice comments about responsibility. Thanks tink for your well wishes. I really do hope things get better for us. I cried so unbelievably hard when I realized we couldn't take our honeymoon three years ago. I thought I don't want to be like my mom never getting a honeymoon but alas that's just the way it is. We ended up paying $600 for all new brakes to be put on the car we got after we bought it right after the wedding. We had that money in the bank, it was wedding gift money, so we could go on a honeymoon. It broke my heart when that happened. Sometimes I just feel like all those dreams you have as a girl about the honeymoon and the house and the baby is just slipping away little by little just because we have to pay out lots of money to keep going ourselves everyday. It's just got to get better right? It just has to.

[BrigidMoon]

yavanna thank you for the empathy and your nice comments about responsibility. Thanks tink for your well wishes. I really do hope things get better for us. I cried so unbelievably hard when I realized we couldn't take our honeymoon three years ago. I thought I don't want to be like my mom never getting a honeymoon but alas that's just the way it is. We ended up paying $600 for all new brakes to be put on the car we got after we bought it right after the wedding. We had that money in the bank, it was wedding gift money, so we could go on a honeymoon. It broke my heart when that happened. Sometimes I just feel like all those dreams you have as a girl about the honeymoon and the house and the baby is just slipping away little by little just because we have to pay out lots of money to keep going ourselves everyday. It's just got to get better right? It just has to.

Keep thinking those positive thoughts, continue to post...we'll be here to listen.

[Kalandriel]

I personally think that your husband should be looking for a job now, and not wait until your vacation, and that he should have started looking awhile ago.

What sorts of alternative transportation do you have? (As in bus, carpools, bikes, walking, etc?)

[SSanf]

I was responsible, too!

Eighteen years later, I still couldn't afford to have my second natural child!

Here's the best advise I can give you.

If you want a child, have one. I, finally, did after stupidly waiting until it was almost too late because I was so responsible as to be vertually brain dead. And, guess what. Even though I couldn't afford a child, he never went hungry, was without a roof over his head or went to school naked.

Have your child. You will figure out how to provide your child's needs and your kid won't go hungry, either.

And, where is it written that men can't be stay at home parents? Trust me, they can do a darned good job of it. Every working woman needs a househusband!

[LittlePerson]

And, where is it written that men can't be stay at home parents? Trust me, they can do a darned good job of it. Every working woman needs a househusband!

We already talked about this and we both decided that if anyone had to stay home to be a stay at home parent it would be him. So, that's not a problem.

Have your child. You will figure out how to provide your child's needs and your kid won't go hungry, either.
He's not ready yet unlike myself.

And where are supposed to raise a child in a two room apt that has only a shower in the bathroom? We have a kitchen and we have a bedroom/livingroom/study. Two rooms. That's hardly enough room to raise a child in. We need more money to get out of there and get a better place.
That's only gonna happen if he gets work and or my father's asbestos case pays out and he's been dead five years and that's looking grim too.

I personally think that your husband should be looking for a job now, and not wait until your vacation, and that he should have started looking awhile ago.
I know and that's mostly why I'm frustrated. He tried for so long and got hurt for rejection after rejection. He has a highschool education and doesn't even know what he wants to do in life for a career. He has a lack of motivation and as much as I try to motivate it doesn't help and often makes his frustration worse.

When I talk about when we have a baby...blah blah blah he doesn't flinch he just joins in on the talk. So I don't think he's scared. And keep in mind while I'm 29 he's still only 27 and is younger than me and sometimes that's hard for me to keep in mind.

[BrigidMoon]

We already talked about this and we both decided that if anyone had to stay home to be a stay at home parent it would be him. So, that's not a problem.


He's not ready yet unlike myself.

And where are supposed to raise a child in a two room apt that has only a shower in the bathroom? We have a kitchen and we have a bedroom/livingroom/study. Two rooms. That's hardly enough room to raise a child in. We need more money to get out of there and get a better place.
That's only gonna happen if he gets work and or my father's asbestos case pays out and he's been dead five years and that's looking grim too.


I know and that's mostly why I'm frustrated. He tried for so long and got hurt for rejection after rejection. He has a highschool education and doesn't even know what he wants to do in life for a career. He has a lack of motivation and as much as I try to motivate it doesn't help and often makes his frustration worse.

When I talk about when we have a baby...blah blah blah he doesn't flinch he just joins in on the talk. So I don't think he's scared. And keep in mind while I'm 29 he's still only 27 and is younger than me and sometimes that's hard for me to keep in mind.


Kind of an odd suggestion....is there a railroad in your area? Has he tried that?

[LittlePerson]

a railroad? I'm afraid I don't understand brigid.
:aburst: :wah2:
AArrrg. Today we had united way come to our office to beg money from us for their 80 organizations. Heh! I looked through it and you either have to be disabled mentally, homeless completely, abused, already popped out a baby who may or may not be disabled and if they are there's more help for you, or an alcholic or drug abuser. If you're just poor oh well. I looked at all 80 and thought here's an idea. Maybe I'll find something in there to help us. Oh, they'll help you find work and give you job skills for free if you're mentally disabled. They have a giant poster and a video about it. Now don't get me wrong, those people need all the help they can get but for joe schmoe who just can't get a break? Forget it. They even have an organization for people who can't concieve and will help find adoptees for the couple. AAaargh! I'm just feeling like someone stabbed me with a knife a couple of times and twisted. I'm doing the best that I can and we're getting no where. The guy who was mentally disabled in the video was bragging about his three bedroom house and his great job. That's great! That's wonderful. He derserves some help. But like the guy in our meeting told us it's not a hand out it's a hand up. Why can't everyone deserve a hand up? Why do I have to be living on the street with a drug problem and already have a baby in my arms to be helped? I am sorry if you want to give me negative karma for this but I'm just sick. I want to donate. I'd like to help, but I can't help myself. How can I afford to help them? I can't and It makes me even more sick. I wanted to cry during that damned video they showed. I was sad for them and for those of us who just aren't having it worse than we already are to get help. Grrrr!

[LittlePerson]

Saturday before I went to work I wrote and left him a letter thought it'd be easier. I just said that I wanted him to find a nice job and I want to loose this weight within a year. And then this time next year we can have our honeymoon and not be safe for once and "start a little bundle of life" I called it. And then move into a new bigger apartment.
We didn't talk about it but I made it clear that we'd have to help each other. I want this weight off before I'm thirty. I want to be healthy to have a healthy pregnancy without complications. We have to do all this as a team.
So sunday we got a paper. I went through highlighting classifieds and reading them aloud for him. It's wednesday now. I came home yesterday to see he'd read some of them as the paper was sitting open. Monday he was doing laundry so he couldn't do anything. Things were going well. I started excersicing and eating right again and drinking lots of water. And last night he stayed up until the wee hours of the morning before he went to sleep. I knew he did because I heard him.
Then, this morning I ask if he's dropping me off at work to have the car. He said I don't know. I said well that depends on if you need it to go out to apply for jobs and get apps. Apparently while I was browsing here and bus routes actually he said he'd told me that no he wasn't taking me. And I didn't hear him so I kept telling him if he was taking me he'd have to get up. That made him mad and cranky as hell and he couldn't understand why I was upset. I set the alarm for nine, turned off the light again and said it's okay, you're just cranky because you didn't get much sleep. And he said well why are you so grumpy. I said I don't know. I wanted to say maybe because I put so much faith in you and thought you'd get up and go look for work. But I didn't.
At one point in there he said well I don't need the car everyday till I get work. Like it's gonna magically happen. I said well you still need it to go out and apply and get apps because some of those classified ads said apply in person. He stayed quiet. I stayed angry.
In the car all the way to work I huffed and was upset. I said to myself one year. He's got one year. Then after that maybe I'll just have to find someone who wants to work with me and have a family even if it's not him is what I told myself. It just hurts so much. I know I can't expect him to change overnight but he made me so happy saying it's okay to me the other night, I can change just like that and snapped his fingers. And then he hasn't.
Y'all I need a tranq and some patience. I don't have either. Please think of me.

[BrigidMoon]

a railroad? I'm afraid I don't understand brigid.
:aburst: :wah2:
AArrrg. Today we had united way come to our office to beg money from us for their 80 organizations. Heh! I looked through it and you either have to be disabled mentally, homeless completely, abused, already popped out a baby who may or may not be disabled and if they are there's more help for you, or an alcholic or drug abuser. If you're just poor oh well. I looked at all 80 and thought here's an idea. Maybe I'll find something in there to help us. Oh, they'll help you find work and give you job skills for free if you're mentally disabled. They have a giant poster and a video about it. Now don't get me wrong, those people need all the help they can get but for joe schmoe who just can't get a break? Forget it. They even have an organization for people who can't concieve and will help find adoptees for the couple. AAaargh! I'm just feeling like someone stabbed me with a knife a couple of times and twisted. I'm doing the best that I can and we're getting no where. The guy who was mentally disabled in the video was bragging about his three bedroom house and his great job. That's great! That's wonderful. He derserves some help. But like the guy in our meeting told us it's not a hand out it's a hand up. Why can't everyone deserve a hand up? Why do I have to be living on the street with a drug problem and already have a baby in my arms to be helped? I am sorry if you want to give me negative karma for this but I'm just sick. I want to donate. I'd like to help, but I can't help myself. How can I afford to help them? I can't and It makes me even more sick. I wanted to cry during that damned video they showed. I was sad for them and for those of us who just aren't having it worse than we already are to get help. Grrrr!


I was asking if there was a railroad in your area for your husband to try to get a job there. They pay for training and it's VERY good pay.

That is why I was asking.

[BrigidMoon]

Saturday before I went to work I wrote and left him a letter thought it'd be easier. I just said that I wanted him to find a nice job and I want to loose this weight within a year. And then this time next year we can have our honeymoon and not be safe for once and "start a little bundle of life" I called it. And then move into a new bigger apartment.
We didn't talk about it but I made it clear that we'd have to help each other. I want this weight off before I'm thirty. I want to be healthy to have a healthy pregnancy without complications. We have to do all this as a team.
So sunday we got a paper. I went through highlighting classifieds and reading them aloud for him. It's wednesday now. I came home yesterday to see he'd read some of them as the paper was sitting open. Monday he was doing laundry so he couldn't do anything. Things were going well. I started excersicing and eating right again and drinking lots of water. And last night he stayed up until the wee hours of the morning before he went to sleep. I knew he did because I heard him.
Then, this morning I ask if he's dropping me off at work to have the car. He said I don't know. I said well that depends on if you need it to go out to apply for jobs and get apps. Apparently while I was browsing here and bus routes actually he said he'd told me that no he wasn't taking me. And I didn't hear him so I kept telling him if he was taking me he'd have to get up. That made him mad and cranky as hell and he couldn't understand why I was upset. I set the alarm for nine, turned off the light again and said it's okay, you're just cranky because you didn't get much sleep. And he said well why are you so grumpy. I said I don't know. I wanted to say maybe because I put so much faith in you and thought you'd get up and go look for work. But I didn't.
At one point in there he said well I don't need the car everyday till I get work. Like it's gonna magically happen. I said well you still need it to go out and apply and get apps because some of those classified ads said apply in person. He stayed quiet. I stayed angry.
In the car all the way to work I huffed and was upset. I said to myself one year. He's got one year. Then after that maybe I'll just have to find someone who wants to work with me and have a family even if it's not him is what I told myself. It just hurts so much. I know I can't expect him to change overnight but he made me so happy saying it's okay to me the other night, I can change just like that and snapped his fingers. And then he hasn't.
Y'all I need a tranq and some patience. I don't have either. Please think of me.

Will do... :hugz:

[LittlePerson]

Thanks Brigid.

[phoenixblayze]

sorry that you are going through this. and i can tell you from personal experience that you never feel that you are financially stable enough to have a baby, but you just do it and make it work. i hope that he finds a job soon, and all kinds of huggles sent your way hon :hugz:

[AlAskendir]

When will I get out of this pessimistic funk? I need hugs.

Hugs! Big, long, Growling and Howling hugs!!!

[BrigidMoon]

:hearthear goes out to you! We're thinking of you!

[LittlePerson]

Our office rang a darn bell today because someone is getting an adopted newborn baby in december. That's just great. I come back from vacation to feel that depressive jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Not like the woman here who is having one in two weeks doesn't make me jealous enough.
I did go to the library on my vacation week and yesterday got a couple books for women who want to be or end up as new mothers after 35-40+ to try to encourage myself that it's never too late. I just never believed I'd be waiting till after I'm thirty to have a baby.
And he just isn't ready. He wants one a child. But he's still working on himself and I've either got to remain patient and supportive without nagging and pressuring him so he can find what he wants to do jobwise or wait until something else happens.
Darn people around me always reproducing!

[BrigidMoon]

Our office rang a darn bell today because someone is getting an adopted newborn baby in december. That's just great. I come back from vacation to feel that depressive jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Not like the woman here who is having one in two weeks doesn't make me jealous enough.
I did go to the library on my vacation week and yesterday got a couple books for women who want to be or end up as new mothers after 35-40+ to try to encourage myself that it's never too late. I just never believed I'd be waiting till after I'm thirty to have a baby.
And he just isn't ready. He wants one a child. But he's still working on himself and I've either got to remain patient and supportive without nagging and pressuring him so he can find what he wants to do jobwise or wait until something else happens.
Darn people around me always reproducing!

:hugz:

[LittlePerson]

So much for helping each other. He keeps shutting me out. And when he does talk I get sad. He seems so depressed about "what might have beens" that I get depressed for him. I try to encourage him without nagging. It's so hard. He wants direction, career counseling without psychological help and since that is his mother's career she wants more for him than the career counseling and he feels forced into doing something he doesn't want to do so he hasn't pressured her for the kind of help he wants. He has asked me to ask her again but I haven't gotten a good chance to really talk to her alone.
I got him a paper the first sunday of my vacation, highlighted jobs that needed no college education. He didn't touch the paper. He didn't go out or call anyone. It's like I was in the way I was distracting him or something. He said that it's because it's not like he had privacy to call places with no doors to shut in our small apartment. I know that. But he had chances. I went out several times during the week where he'd have privacy. It didn't help. He didn't do anything then. An hour is still a good amount of time. Arrgh.
I went on the internet and found him free counseling type links to sites with free small video clips of different career choices, things like that. I put them on his computer for him. He hasn't looked at them. I understand if he feels ashamed or lower of himself to do this in front of me. But I'm his wife. He shouldn't have to feel like that.
Yesterday he was supposed to do laundry. I knew he wouldn't but I was hopeful. I came home after he picked me up and saw the bags sitting there, asked if they were clean and he said no. I knew he didn't do any because he procrastinates. So, he did go today. I feel better knowing he is doing housework. I know it sounds predjudiced or something but I feel better knowing he's pulling his weight when I'm working, that he's cleaning. But when I come home to see the kitchen dirty still or knowing that he doesn't mop or clean the bathroom till it's soo bad that is so dissappointing. So when he does it feels even better than it probably should.
It's just crazy feeling so frustrated. I asked him before I went to sleep what did you do today and he said not much or nothing something to that effect. He said what did you do? I said, worked hard on things at work that were piled up while I was on vacation and went to sleep.
Should I feel so upset that I want him to work so we can get ahead? I didn't realize I wanted a baby till about a year ago this time, when a child looked at me with those amazing eyes and saw me as wonderment. I thought I want my own baby to look at me like that someday. I want to look into my own child's eyes and have us both find wonder in them.
He thinks I want a baby because of all the pressure I had on me in the past but I'd said no. It's because I want a child. I want that now. Sure I'd had pressure before and still do, but it's different now. He's had his family to pressure him into doing things his whole life he didn't want to do and did do them and failed at them. So, he feels that way about any goal someone has in life, that is pressure.
I am just so sad thinking of this. I'd promised we'd marry after I got out of college. I gave into pressure. Sometimes I think that If I hadn't thinks could be different. He even said so himself that we probably should have married right away after highschool. At least being in debt together then might have gotten us somewhere.
I hate this. It hurt so badly when he'd said if I'd married someone else I could've had my children and a house by now if I'd wanted. He said he was surprised I hadn't left by now if I'd wanted to. We said a lot of things that hurt.
I still believe that marriage vows mean something. But I wonder if they mean sacrificing a dream for someone else's happiness. He said I probably wanted a house and family long ago but I told him no, I wasn't sure back then. But deep down I probably did but didn't know it on the surface.
He doesn't even want to own a house, just rent one because it's easier that way when things break and we need help. I understand that. We've relied on our landlady to help us in the past, but even so we've done things to our own apt to fix stuff that she should've fixed for building code reasons.
His dreams are different from mine. Yeah he still says that he'd like a baby after he knows what he's doing to work and get money to support a baby. My concern is that he never will. His own father set a bad example for him never staying consistant with work. Even I did. When I quit the only job we worked together at he followed. He shouldn't have because they hired him back afterword when there was new and worse management for better pay. I even apologized for that for setting a bad example.
One second I have a flare of home come into my heart during the course of a day and the next minute it feels so hopeless. I want to be patient. I want to not nag. I want to be supportive. How can I when he doesn't want my help? When I try to help he doesn't grasp it? Is he that ashamed of taking my help? What's wrong with me, with him?
You know he says I have a bad habit of blaming myself for other people's problems and that's true. But perhaps it's because I'm scared that if I admit that it isn't partly or my fault he's having problems with finding work and being happy with himself that I can't make up for something, atone for things, or make it better myself. Grrr. And the worse thing is when I blame G-d. When I blame him or it for not listening not helping.
Why, why do so many people who don't deserve children get pregnant everyday because they are immature, insenstive, abusive or just bad people? Why do so many of them even decide to keep that child when they know that they cannot care for it? Why do I feel it's so personal that I cannot have a life that has a family of my own? And sometimes I ask myself why I can't just be happy to think of my life without the mess of children in it? Why do I end up feeling G-d thinks me unworthy? Why? I have asked for forgiveness for things I did wrongly for from my husband from G-d. It doesn't seem to matter. I've acted kindly. I just can't understand why it feels as though my dreams keep slipping away and that there's nothing I can do about it.
I love him so much. So much so that sometimes I feel I must sacrifice my dreams my happiness for his. But is that any way to live? Have I been unfair? Have I given him enough time to find his way? Is it because we rushed our relationship, moving in together so soon into college and us being our first real relationships together that there was no room for him to find himself? I know I've hurt him in the past. I know and I've apologized and explained. We even figured out why things happened. But do I have to make up for that the rest of my life by not seeing my dreams come true? I've been a good wife. I've been faithful to him the whole time we've been married. I work hard. I listen to him, try to help when I can.
I just want to curl up somewhere and not wake up sometimes but I cannot. You know when we met I was suicidal, my self esteem was low. He had told me that he was afraid to leave me way back afraid I'd hurt myself. You know how bad that makes me feel? He might have had a better life, felt better about himself if he had. He told me though that he no longer feels that way that I've changed. He knows I would be okay without him. He said he wouldn't have married me if he still felt that same way.
So, why then does it make me sick when I think of wanting to sometimes walk away from it all just because he's not working. He does more than that. He is more to me than that, than another paycheck but why does it seem that his unemployment might not ever fix itself?
I've got to go, get back to work. I hope I feel better soon.

[BrigidMoon]

I am wondering something what you're wondering. I don't know why your husband is not doing anything possible in order to meet the objectives and goals you both want so much and deserve.

I am wondering if this isn't a challenge for you to learn or question what really is happiness at this time.

Are you willing to give up the dream of having children and owning your own home because of your marriage? I know this sounds like a tough question. Is there a time limit for this? Could you make this dream come true for you both without his help?

Does he really know what he wants to do? With his career? With his life?

I think the only 2 people that know the answers to these questions are you and your husband. It's very difficult at times to not only tow the weight financially but emotionally as well.

Perhaps you two can have a chat with his mom together and really sit down making some small attainable goals and then hopefully proceed from there.

_pounce_

What do you think?

[LittlePerson]

I know what you mean. I just don't know what I should be doing other than what I'm doing now. I don't know if patience is enough, you know? I know he just doesn't want the same thing I do at this moment. And if when he does really really want the same thing I do if I will feel it's too late by then. Like I said it feels like he does want those things, just not now. I am kind of scared too you know? That by "hanging in there" until he's able to want what I do that my abilty to have children will be gone that we'll have to adopt or worse that I'll feel I'm too old by then. I understand his wants right now. I know what he wants and I can support that. I just don't know if I can keep waiting. I know I have to if that's what I truly want and with him. How do I do that? What other goals should I be setting until the time is right?
I know we should sit down together but I also understand his point of view of not wanting the extra pyschological help his mom wants him to have because of his pride and thinking she's doing it because of her career mind, but I also think she has him in her heart when I see how depressed he is. So when I supported her he hated me too for it. I know she offered to send him back to college but he doesn't want that and I'm not gonna push him to do that.
Oh, I'm just trying not to be selfish here you know? It's just so hard.

[BrigidMoon]

I know what you mean. I just don't know what I should be doing other than what I'm doing now. I don't know if patience is enough, you know? I know he just doesn't want the same thing I do at this moment. And if when he does really really want the same thing I do if I will feel it's too late by then. Like I said it feels like he does want those things, just not now. I am kind of scared too you know? That by "hanging in there" until he's able to want what I do that my abilty to have children will be gone that we'll have to adopt or worse that I'll feel I'm too old by then. I understand his wants right now. I know what he wants and I can support that. I just don't know if I can keep waiting. I know I have to if that's what I truly want and with him. How do I do that? What other goals should I be setting until the time is right?
I know we should sit down together but I also understand his point of view of not wanting the extra pyschological help his mom wants him to have because of his pride and thinking she's doing it because of her career mind, but I also think she has him in her heart when I see how depressed he is. So when I supported her he hated me too for it. I know she offered to send him back to college but he doesn't want that and I'm not gonna push him to do that.
Oh, I'm just trying not to be selfish here you know? It's just so hard.


_pounce_

It IS hard! So very hard!

As far as his mom is concerned, she's his mom. She loves him and wants the best for him. She may be very concerned about his lack of motivation that's become laden with depression and pride. These things are keeping him from progressing and evolving. There may not be a magical answer, obviously. If so, you wouldn't be upset and worried over your situation!

Perhaps the question should be posed to him along the lines of how much longer is he going to keep his feelings of depression and pride (but I wouldn't say it like that, it may provoke defensiveness and make things worse) keep him from just accomplishing the goal of making a list of places to call about jobs? That's a good small goal for him to start with and could be VERY attainable. Why would you being home or not prohibhit him from calling and asking about what types of positions are available? Or howto apply and get some very simple information?

I sense that he's drowning in his own "misery" so to speak...is he taking you along for the ride?

If you think back to another time where he's been upset like this, something simliar but different to this situation, did he behave the same way? Withdrawn? Full of excuses? Not wanting help?

There is a point where you cannot push, beg and plead, argue about and try to coerce your partner to do what is right for the two of you. Something has created a block in his path, perhaps mentally?

Maybe you don't want to wait that long for your dreams to start coming true. I sense changes going on and I feel this is your challenge and that you're by far "unworthy" of happiness.

It must make you want to :aburst: sometimes!

[LittlePerson]

that you're by far "unworthy" of happiness.
See, that's what I mean. I started to think so too that I was unworthy because I want my dreams to come true so soon, so now because I have so little patience. Perhaps I'm being to hard on myself. I just don't know. Perhaps I haven't been hard enough on him. Perhaps I've been too hard on him.
All I know is that lately I get this auwful nagging feeling that I feel he is dragging me down by not being motivated more. And even that I might be happier without that, without him. I'd even told him before that I'd thought of leaving him but didn't. At the time the sacrifices were made to keep us together to keep us going. I just don't know now. I am pessimistic by nature though.
I never saw us out of debt but we are now. We've been through bankruptcy finally. That alone is a blessing. That did take a long time too.
Please keep me in your thoughts. I've got to go now and get home.
LP

[BrigidMoon]

See, that's what I mean. I started to think so too that I was unworthy because I want my dreams to come true so soon, so now because I have so little patience. Perhaps I'm being to hard on myself. I just don't know. Perhaps I haven't been hard enough on him. Perhaps I've been too hard on him.
All I know is that lately I get this auwful nagging feeling that I feel he is dragging me down by not being motivated more. And even that I might be happier without that, without him. I'd even told him before that I'd thought of leaving him but didn't. At the time the sacrifices were made to keep us together to keep us going. I just don't know now. I am pessimistic by nature though.
I never saw us out of debt but we are now. We've been through bankruptcy finally. That alone is a blessing. That did take a long time too.
Please keep me in your thoughts. I've got to go now and get home.
LP

Definitely keeping you both in my thoughts.

:hugz:

[LittlePerson]

I know we're not on the same page. We both want different things right now. But I talked with him again and I know that though he has said he'll take anything he won't. It's not about just having a job or money for him, it's happiness, satisfaction, and a connection to the job he chooses. That lowers his job pool along with no college education.
I told him that I want to help him because I want him to be happy and for selfish reasons because his goals won't be the same as mine until the other ones he has are met first. I know that. So, I've got to wait. I have to wait because he's said that his will be the same as mine in time. But I have told him that I'm afraid it will be too late by the time his goals are met.
I also said that we need to sit down with his mom like you said to me. He agreed. I know that it's gonna take time. It can't happen overnight. Even if that's what I want. Even if I want to have our honeymoon. Even if I want to get pregnant become a mommy. It's got to wait. He has to achieve his goals before they can change.
Well, I'm getting more hopeful. He helped me make good food choices at the grocery store last night and he's gonna make sure I work out tonight because I told him I had no motivation to last night since I was just feeling bad (down). I told him we've got to work as a team.
He doesn't want help with job ads. I think he wants help with career choice that sort of thing. So we're gonna work on that. One step at a time.
Just pray that I remain supportive and patient. I hope that I can be.
LP

[BrigidMoon]

I know we're not on the same page. We both want different things right now. But I talked with him again and I know that though he has said he'll take anything he won't. It's not about just having a job or money for him, it's happiness, satisfaction, and a connection to the job he chooses. That lowers his job pool along with no college education.
I told him that I want to help him because I want him to be happy and for selfish reasons because his goals won't be the same as mine until the other ones he has are met first. I know that. So, I've got to wait. I have to wait because he's said that his will be the same as mine in time. But I have told him that I'm afraid it will be too late by the time his goals are met.
I also said that we need to sit down with his mom like you said to me. He agreed. I know that it's gonna take time. It can't happen overnight. Even if that's what I want. Even if I want to have our honeymoon. Even if I want to get pregnant become a mommy. It's got to wait. He has to achieve his goals before they can change.
Well, I'm getting more hopeful. He helped me make good food choices at the grocery store last night and he's gonna make sure I work out tonight because I told him I had no motivation to last night since I was just feeling bad (down). I told him we've got to work as a team.
He doesn't want help with job ads. I think he wants help with career choice that sort of thing. So we're gonna work on that. One step at a time.
Just pray that I remain supportive and patient. I hope that I can be.
LP

This is an awesome step! Let's hope it continues to go forward instead of going back.

[LittlePerson]

I feel like things are starting to look up. He's feeling more enthusiastic about himself I think. His mom has still left the career counseling on the table for him and she's told him he can call someone and set everything up himself and she'll write him a check. I really hope it works out.
And I know he wants me to loose the weight I want to loose. He says he'd be happy knowing that I can shop and buy the clothes that I want to buy. I just hope we can keep following through on things.