Something bad happened...

[Aquarian_Moon]

My best friend's been struggling with some really bad 'addiction', and I've always been there trying to help her in any way I can. Well, she hadn't called me for 1 1/2 weeks; we were supposed to meet 2 fridays ago, and she never showed up.

Finally I heard from her a couple of days ago, and I learnt that things weren't going so well, in fact, much worse than they were before. She came to my place yesterday morning in tears, telling me she's ready to do whatever it takes to give up this 'problem'. I bought her cigarettes (and relapsed on my own quitting), and gave her some money, because she was broke. We were going to stay at my place, and she wasn't planning on going back to the situation, which was the best thing to do.

Well, we ended up going back to her place, and things started getting very bad. She wanted to do the stuff again, and I said I'll try it with her, because I didn't want to leave her alone. We both ended up doing it with another guy, and later on that night, she kind of 'ditched' me (in a concerned way) and told me I should go home because she was worried about me. I'd never done this stuff before. She thought I was having a bad reaction, because I told her that I didn't want to do any more of the stuff.

I tried to convince her not to do any more, but she told me she was going to do more of the stuff with this guy, and wouldn't let me stay with her to do it, because she said she couldn't help it - she was addicted, and there wasn't enough for the 3 of us anyway. So, I went home very sad and depressed, and knew I'd screwed things up big time by agreeing to do it with her.

I feel so horrible, because it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. If I hadn't said "no", then she wouldn't have gotten concerned about me, and I could have at least stayed with her to make sure she was ok. I only said "no", because i was hoping this might convince her not to do any more of the stuff.

This is so bad, and I don't know what to do, because I really care about her. Also, I'm worried if I stay with her as a friend that she's going to want to keep doing it, and I might end up doing more of it, and she won't seek any help. I'm trying to convince her and this other guy to seek help, but I don't think they will. And if I do it again, I'm worried that I might become also addicted. :(

[Rowan Darkmoon]

This is hard to hear, but I think you have to walk away. I had a very good friend like this before, and everything I did for her only made her worse. Helping her, doing things with her, trying to be understanding, just made her more of an addict. She has to really want help to be able to be given help. Otherwise you'll just mess up yourself trying to help her.

Tell her that you still want to be friends, but don't hang out with her when's she's doing stuff, and don't put yourself in that position. If you feel like you can't do that, then don't be friends with her anymore. The first person you have to worry about helping is yourself, you HAVE TO put yourself first. When she wants help she'll get it. That's about all you can do.

[Aquarian_Moon]

I would. I would. But I was an idiot. I payed for the stuff, so I feel like I'm responsible. She didn't have any money, and I payed for it. :(

[Autumnsong]

I agree, here. Don't let her drag you down into the same situation she's in. If you've tried your very best to help, that's all anyone can ask of you, and no one can blame you for not giving it your all.

In the long run, would it be better for you to be addicted with her, or to have tried your hardest and then were smart enough to know when something was over your head?

She sounds as though she needs professional help... have you looked into it?

[Aquarian_Moon]

I agree, here. Don't let her drag you down into the same situation she's in. If you've tried your very best to help, that's all anyone can ask of you, and no one can blame you for not giving it your all.

In the long run, would it be better for you to be addicted with her, or to have tried your hardest and then were smart enough to know when something was over your head?

She sounds as though she needs professional help... have you looked into it? I want to call somebody today, a teacher at her college, but she told me not to. And she been suicidal on at least 2 occasions. If I try to contact somebody, I'm afraid she might get really depressed again, and try to kill herself.

[Rowan Darkmoon]

Then she needs help beyond that which you can give her. You should try to contact a counselor at her school, they might be able to help. Would it be better that you told someone that she was suicidal and she tried to hurt herself and someone stopped her, or if you waited and she hurt herself and no one was there to stop her?

I work in the mental health profession, and if you told someone at her school that she was suicidal then they would contact her and see how far she's gone. If she's too far gone where she's going to do it anyway, then they will involuntarily commit her in a psychiatric hospital. She will be upset wtih you, but then she will get both substance abuse treatment and counseling, and it would be the best for her in the long run. I'm not trying to say that to scare you, but it sounds like she really needs professional help.

Don't feel bad because you bought it, just think about what you can do NOW to help her.

[Autumnsong]

That in itself needs attention. There are rehabilitatin centers that will take care of the person in question and offer them counseling as well. I'm not sure how one would go about admitting a friend, but I do know that if she were in a proper fascility, she'd get rid of the addiction AND be able to get some help for her depression.
And if you ask around, you don't have to tell her that's what you're doing - she leads a destructive life and can't get out of it on your own, and sometimes tough love is needed to help someone.

I'd suggest doing online research about rehab centers.

And if nothing else, even though it's harsh - as a last resort, you might alert the authorities. Anonymous tip-offs are sent in all the time, and if she's arrested, THEY will see that she is taken care of, one way or another.

If you can't help her yourself, you can send her to someone who can.

[Aquarian_Moon]

Ok, I'm calling going to call a Crisis center right now... but I forget the address of this guy she's staying with. Thank you for all your help. I don't want this to get any worse. I need to do something right now, or I might live to regret it forever.

[Rowan Darkmoon]

I think that's a good idea. Especially if she's suicidal, you never want to mess around with that. Good luck. :hugz:

[Aquarian_Moon]

Idiots. All they said was that she's the one who has to seek help, and I can't do anything for her except ask her to self-admit. If we talk today, I'll try my best to convince her to come with me to a hosptial, but if not, then I guess there's nothing much I can do except stay away from the situation, and only speak to her on the phone. At least, we can still be friends, even if we can't see each other.

Many thanks for the suggestions... and I'll update on how things progress.

[Aquarian_Moon]

Still, I'm worried by telling her that I'll only see her if she seeks help, that she might get really depressed. oh, i'm so confused.

[SSanf]

You're in over your head. Get out!

Your first loyaly MUST be to yourself and your own well being. You are responsible for your life and she is responsible for hers. If she fails in her life, while admittedly sad, frankly, that is not your problem. It is hers. It is her job to fix her own life.

People are responsible for their own emotions. YOU cannot MAKE her depressed. You do not have that power over other peoples emotions. She is the only one who can make her depressed by her own choices and how she decides to deal with life. The only person you can truly make depressed is yourself.

Assuming she is of normal inteligence, she already knows what she must do. Her lack of moral fiber and strength of character is no concern of yours. It is certainly NOT your job to make up for her deficiencies. Let yourself off the hook.

Be careful who you choose to befriend because you soon become just like the people who surround you. Choose to be friends with people that you admire and want to be like. That is not disloyal. Nor, is it heartless nor unfeeling. It is good common sense!

You cannot "save" or "fix" this person nor is it your job to do so. She will try to bring you down to her level because it would validate her. She could then say to herself, "I'm not so bad. She does it, too."

You only put yourself at risk by continuing this friendship and it simply is not worth it.

Run like hell!

[Kalandriel]

I'd stay away from her crowd and her place. If she comes to you, I'd say take her in with open arms, and try to help her. If she's broke, never, ever, ever give her money. Offer to buy her groceries. Or write a check directly to a company (if you're offering to help with bills, etc.)
Do a little research on support groups or rehabs in your area, in case the time comes when your friend really wants help, you can be extra prepared for it.
All you can do now is sit back and wait for her, good luck!

[BrigidMoon]

Still, I'm worried by telling her that I'll only see her if she seeks help, that she might get really depressed. oh, i'm so confused.


I feel there is something you can do.

Give her the number of the crisis center. Tell her you will never go back to her place again because of the drugs there. It's not safe for her and not safe for you.

Tell her the next time she comes to your place, you're calling the crisis center right away so she can talk to someone there.

I know what you were trying to do by what you did.

I wish it worked like that. However it usually doesn't.

Sorry it did not.

_pounce_

PS Did you tell them you tried it now too? I would. They may help you for the next time it's offered.

[Malcolm]

I've been your friend. I've done exactly what she will do to you if you let her.

Cut her loose. She's dead weight and so was I. If she gets better great. If not you can't let her take you where she is going. You won't like it.

[fairielove]

I agree with alot of what people wrote. She needs help and you need to call someone who knows what to do. You can still be her friend but don't give her money and don't let her drag you under too. Its a wasteland that most people don't come back from.
Blessed Be and Good Luck. Its hard to be a strong friend.

[Aquarian_Moon]

Now I'm sitting on my heels waiting for her to call today, because I have no more money in the bank, and I need to go to an employment center tomorrow. She said she'd promise to call and pay me back today, and if she doesn't, I'll not only be worried as anything, but have no money to buy food or bus fare... I have at least one friend I can probably go to for money, but this isn't the type of person I normally am.

Still, I'd rather have no money, and at least know she was ok.

[SSanf]

Open your eyes!

This friendship will only drag you down!

Look at your own post. Don't you see that if she has put you in a position where you may have to go begging for bus money to get a job because she took your money, it has already started?

Run like hell!

[Aquarian_Moon]

Open your eyes!

This friendship will only drag you down!

Look at your own post. Don't you see that if she has put you in a position where you may have to go begging for bus money to get a job because she took your money, it has already started?

Run like hell! No, but the thing is that she had her paycheque last night, but couldn't cash it because the banks were closed. I'm going to follow through with people's suggestions the best I can, but I need some money back first (anything at all), because I don't get any more money for at least a week or more. I don't want to bug any of my other friends or go running across the city to my parents unless I absolutely have to. She promised to call me today, and still hasn't called. I've left her a voice mail, called her house, but nothing yet. I hope she's ok. :(

[Amina]

There's nothing you can do about the money issue.. you gave it, she took it, it's gone.
But you can help your self. If you need to go to your parent house, go. She's not going to have the money. After she gets it cashed you'll be lucky to get what she owes you if she doesn't spend it on her addiction first.
I had a friend exactly like this one, and no matter what I tried to do, how many times I would check on her, tell her to call, the worse she got. The more I helped the less she wanted to help herself. She only started to drag me with her, and that sucked. No one wanted to hang around me, I was so deppressed because I couldn't do anything for her.
Others are absolutely right in saying to cut her loose. It will hurt like a bitch but it has to be done. You might feel regret but let it slide, you have no responsibilty to her. She needs to take care of herself. She's not completely helpless like she may seem. She likes the attention she gets from you, the compassion, the love, the kinship, of course. This is what she needs. But you are giving it to her when she is at her weakest, so she regresses back to the behavior that makes her strong. You aren't helping her, and you aren't going to be able to help her unless you let her go. It's twisted, but you are only rewarding her for the addiction. You need to be strong and let go of her hand, drop her on the ground if you must, but it needs to happen. This is your life here, and only you have control over it.
Face it hon, and let 'er go.

[Aquarian_Moon]

She's never broken a promise like this to me before. She PROMISED to call me today/yesterday. I told her she was the best friend I ever had, and she told me she loved me. Are these the last words I'll ever remember?

If she doesn't call soon, like tomorrow morning, I'm going to go insane.... :scream: :wah2: :heartbrea

[BrigidMoon]

She's never broken a promise like this to me before. She PROMISED to call me today/yesterday. I told her she was the best friend I ever had, and she told me she loved me. Are these the last words I'll ever remember?

If she doesn't call soon, like tomorrow morning, I'm going to go insane.... :scream: :wah2: :heartbrea

Okay. Well, try to relax and step back for a moment. She's probably ashamed. That's probably why she did not call and she probably doesn't have the money. Now that money is involved in the process she could be avoiding you. Although, I feel you should not persue it, call her or get in touch with her somehow. This will make you feel better.

:smoochypo