Really could use some "good" sent my way...

[jennifer21570]

Okay, I usually don't spill my guts like this to people I know well, let alone people I don't know at all...but here goes....my boyfriend is a total psycho. I've been beaten, verbally abused, and just treated like crap in general. On the other side of this, he can be the most wonderful person I've ever known. Everytime I leave, an "emergency" comes up, he calls, and I run right back. I've gone to jail with him over my stupidity, and gotten into more crap with him than I've ever been into in my life! It's like I can be strong as hell....until I hear his voice on the other end of the phone, telling me he'll change, that he's sorry......pretty much your "textbook abuser". I guess I just need to hear from people that have been through this, and I really need a HUG! Before we met, I had a career, had great friends....had a life. I've lost all of these things, and I've felt so down lately, it's like I'll never have that "life" again. I've helped friends out of worse situations, but for some reason, am to weak to take my own advise. I feel like I'm trying to climb out of a hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper....anyone else ever felt this way?:scream: :scream: :scream: worse than that, I have NEVER been sucidal, but at my lowest ( a couple of months ago) I was. I have moved back in with my family, but they have a mountain of their own problems, and I really have no one who understands or is willing to listen. The sucidal thoughts are gone, but I can't get over how I felt like everyone would be better off without me....I've always been strong in bad situations, and it bugs me to no end that I let some punk dude rip me apart like this......

[Malcolm]

Love is stupid like that.

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I get where your coming from.

Just pick it up and move on I guess. You can get your old life back if you want it, of course it'll be harder this time, but if its what you want go get it. Sounds like you realized you messed up. Thats okay I screw up all the time too. Just try and not make the same mistake again...which you will anyway...but its the trying that makes the difference I 'spose.

I'm not helping am I...

[Eventide]

A cliche I know, but a relationship is a connection between two people, it has two sides. If you are giving and giving and not receiving what you needfrom him, what do you call that?
We all been there honey :hugz: If they are your friends, they'll be genuinely interested in your welfare, call one of them up and see if you guys can go out to lunch, let people in the real world know what's up. You're just stuck in a rut, the real danger is when you keep hearing how silly you are etc...etc..over and over again, somehow I don't know why, it's sometimes easier to believe the bad stuff than the good. You've given your BF lots of chances it seems and forgiven him for his mistakes, why not give yourself the same courtesies? You deserve it! :hugz:
Take care of you k?

[jennifer21570]

Thank you! That is so true, after hearing over and over how worthless you are, you DO start to believe! It doesn't matter what you know to be the truth, you start to believe what the people who mean the most to you say. I just hate that I let myself get to this point. He just called a little while ago, saying he needed me, that he went to jail this morning for something he didn't do (he never does, according to him). I'm staying home, and taking your advice, I'm calling an old friend and talking to her. My problem more than anything is pride, not wanting to admit I was wrong and stupid for going back over and over, and for letting myself be treated the way I have been for the last few years. Thank you so much for the kind words, it means so much that someone actually understands. Thank you so much!

[Kalandriel]

Hey there, it's sometimes a really crappy thing to actually take a look at what you're doing and what you're going through... but it's healthy, it's good that you can acknowledge that you've been in a bad situation, and can talk about it, means that you can crawl out of that hole.

I understand completely about the pride thing... I remember when I'd look at people in abusive situations and say "Gee, I'd never stay there." And being so hardcore about it. And then of course.. I was in one for two years, and didn't really realize it until it was over... and was so embarrassed, and felt hypocritical.

So there is nothing wrong with you, you're a beautiful, and strong individual, and it's great that you're talking to an old friend. Slowly rekindle the friendships you had in the past, and move forward with your life. You don't need dead weight holding you down. :)

[jennifer21570]

Thanks:floating: ! I'm feeling better already! Also, I think another problem is that I've never really been "single", and am a little afraid of that. I married and divorced really young (18, divorced @ 23), and jumped straight into another bad situation one right after the other. I know that what I really need is time to myself, but like I said...I'm afraid to be alone, I guess. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I feel like I've learned something from everyone who's come and gone in my life, but I don't want to be a "smart" and "well rounded" but "lonely" 80 year old.........and like you said, I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite. Thanks for listening to me vent!:rant:

[Kalandriel]

No problem. I have a really good friend who also married and divorced young (married at 18 methinks, and divorced at 20), and she too would jump from one bad situation to the next. She's almost 26 and is just barely beginning to straighten herself out... she was afraid of being alone too, and is realizing that it's better to not be dating someone than it is to be dating a scumbag. Tee hee! :)

[jennifer21570]

....and isn't it funny how there are more scumbags in disguise than people think....;)

[Kalandriel]

It's true! They all start out okay... it's just being able to see it and get away from it fast enough. :)

[jennifer21570]

I never seem to be quick enough. I don't know what it is about him, he just really gets to me. Things are looking up already, though. I've got a job interview tomorrow, and hopefully that will go good. lol, maybe one day I'll learn not to let things get to me so much! I miss him, but he's so wrong for me! Thanx for all the advice and encourgement!

[BrigidMoon]

I never seem to be quick enough. I don't know what it is about him, he just really gets to me. Things are looking up already, though. I've got a job interview tomorrow, and hopefully that will go good. lol, maybe one day I'll learn not to let things get to me so much! I miss him, but he's so wrong for me! Thanx for all the advice and encourgement!

Awesome that you have a job interview tomorrow.

I think we've all been in places that we wish we had not gotten ourselves into at times.

I know I have!

I'm glad you shared with us and are feeling better!

It's okay to miss someone that paid a lot of attention to you, even if it was negative attention. However, I feel you definitely deserve better! What I hope is that you can find someone that has all those wonderful qualities he has but NONE of the bad ones!

[jennifer21570]

I am feeling better, or at least I know what's best and what needs to be done. I did talk to a friend of mine last night...and that did help alot. I'm so tired of always fighting, and feeling responsible (even when I'm not). I'm tired of always having to "entertain" him, and always walking on eggshells around him to keep from lighting his fuse and setting off his temper. I think that time to myself (a long time to myself, lol) is what I need to find ME again, know what I mean. I've felt like an empty shell for so long now, that it's hard to find a starting point.....but a job opening up in my field would definately be a great place to start over! Wish me luck!!

[BrigidMoon]

I am feeling better, or at least I know what's best and what needs to be done. I did talk to a friend of mine last night...and that did help alot. I'm so tired of always fighting, and feeling responsible (even when I'm not). I'm tired of always having to "entertain" him, and always walking on eggshells around him to keep from lighting his fuse and setting off his temper. I think that time to myself (a long time to myself, lol) is what I need to find ME again, know what I mean. I've felt like an empty shell for so long now, that it's hard to find a starting point.....but a job opening up in my field would definately be a great place to start over! Wish me luck!!

Gaining independence by working is definitely a step in the RIGHT direction, hon!

:heartthro :heartthro :heartthro :heartthro
More power to you!
:heartthro :heartthro :heartthro :heartthro

[Eventide]

We're here to listen honey. You say you are a bit proud? Well take pride in the positive steps you are taking right now. It's all you. If you aren't ready to be alone, truly alone, then don't be, there's no shame in that. Just don't give your power away, giving free advice and force feeding advice are two different things -- don't let anyone force their opinion on you again! :)

[jennifer21570]

I'm doing so much better...thanks to you all for the great words of encouragement! I'm definately moving in the right direction now, and finding myself again.

[LadyCelt]

I have been in an abusive relationship. I was raped and pyshcologically abused. One time he hit me. He tried getting me to take heroin or coke, not sure which.

there is a group I think called RAIN that is for rape, abuse, incest, neglect I think is what it means.


He isn't worth you and he isn't this sweet wonderful guy in emergencies for your benefit, but I'm sure to make you stay. the sooner you leave the better.

If he always blames you etc, its bad too.

A relationship isn't perfect, but this is definately unhealthy and he is victimizing you. I hope you can realize this and leave.

_pounce_