Tzhebee
October 12th, 2005, 03:23 PM
Well, I guess this is as good a place as any. Doesn't really belong in family, or just talk...and I don't really need advice or a hug, but I do need to say it, so this is where it goes.
My mom cleaned out the basement and found a box of my old stuff. All my HS pictures from friends and dances, yearbooks, misc. knick-knacks that I kept that had some kind of importance to me at the time...all in one big box. Who knew what kind of old "dead" memories and feelings that box would hold. I brought it home and promptly passed out my knick-knacks to my kids, because for the life of me, I can't remember why I would have kept those things.
Then I went through my old year books and started reading the things people wrote. Occassionally laughing ... but mostly thinking to myself "who the hell was that?" :lol: And this was just 11 short years ago. And then I started going through all the pictures of all the dances I went to. I went to a lot of freaking dances! I can't recall the names of half the people I went with...and I am going to have to burn the pics of me in a white dress with puffy shoulders (WTF was I thinking?!?!?).
For the most part, the pics brought smiles (and lack of remembering who they were). But then...I ran across a single pic of a guy I knew and dated when I was 16. One pic, and it wasn't even a good one. But I was just floored with emotion and memories and all of a sudden had this feeling of emptiness....like I was missing something without him in my life. I mean, it was absurd! I haven't seen or even thought about him in almost 14 years, hell I had to struggle to remember his name...but there I was sitting on my kitchen floor almost in tears. Every converstation I had with him was slammed to the front of my brain, I remembered his smell, his smile, his eyes...everything.
We didn't date long, and we were never "serious". I remember being hassled for dating him by everyone because I was 16 and he was only 13. We were at different schools, but he lived just up the road so I saw him every day. I remember he came down to visit one day wearing some stupid charm on a chain around his neck...he said it was a gal in his english class and it fell from her bag, so he picked it up to return to her. I remember blowing a gasket accusing him of messing with her behind my back and a bunch of other nonsense...and he ripped that necklace off his neck and threw it into the pond. Right now, tpying this, I can see the pain in his eyes from my words and I can feel the hurt.
We never actually "broke up". Instead, his family moved back to Montana and he went with them. I haven't seen or heard from him since. But his picture and his words on the back of it hurt me today. How is it that 13 years later, I feel this emptiness...almost like I lost someone I love...when I never loved him...I don't think I did...
I'm just incredibly confused. I thought that maybe typing it out would help...who knows.
My mom cleaned out the basement and found a box of my old stuff. All my HS pictures from friends and dances, yearbooks, misc. knick-knacks that I kept that had some kind of importance to me at the time...all in one big box. Who knew what kind of old "dead" memories and feelings that box would hold. I brought it home and promptly passed out my knick-knacks to my kids, because for the life of me, I can't remember why I would have kept those things.
Then I went through my old year books and started reading the things people wrote. Occassionally laughing ... but mostly thinking to myself "who the hell was that?" :lol: And this was just 11 short years ago. And then I started going through all the pictures of all the dances I went to. I went to a lot of freaking dances! I can't recall the names of half the people I went with...and I am going to have to burn the pics of me in a white dress with puffy shoulders (WTF was I thinking?!?!?).
For the most part, the pics brought smiles (and lack of remembering who they were). But then...I ran across a single pic of a guy I knew and dated when I was 16. One pic, and it wasn't even a good one. But I was just floored with emotion and memories and all of a sudden had this feeling of emptiness....like I was missing something without him in my life. I mean, it was absurd! I haven't seen or even thought about him in almost 14 years, hell I had to struggle to remember his name...but there I was sitting on my kitchen floor almost in tears. Every converstation I had with him was slammed to the front of my brain, I remembered his smell, his smile, his eyes...everything.
We didn't date long, and we were never "serious". I remember being hassled for dating him by everyone because I was 16 and he was only 13. We were at different schools, but he lived just up the road so I saw him every day. I remember he came down to visit one day wearing some stupid charm on a chain around his neck...he said it was a gal in his english class and it fell from her bag, so he picked it up to return to her. I remember blowing a gasket accusing him of messing with her behind my back and a bunch of other nonsense...and he ripped that necklace off his neck and threw it into the pond. Right now, tpying this, I can see the pain in his eyes from my words and I can feel the hurt.
We never actually "broke up". Instead, his family moved back to Montana and he went with them. I haven't seen or heard from him since. But his picture and his words on the back of it hurt me today. How is it that 13 years later, I feel this emptiness...almost like I lost someone I love...when I never loved him...I don't think I did...
I'm just incredibly confused. I thought that maybe typing it out would help...who knows.