Mouse
October 14th, 2005, 06:35 AM
*rests head on monitor* I kinda have a lot on my mind right now. I don't know what to do or even if i should do anything. I don't know if i want to ask for energy or if i want advice, but i think i just need to let it out of my mind. *shakes head* I just am so lost.
As some of you already know, my mum has cancer. She is dying. (15+ tumors in her liver, they have not found the primary cancer, and there's a huge chance that they never will). I've had enough time that I can say it and not cry. The chemo is working very very slowly. The tumors have stoped mulitplying and growing, but they are not shrinking either. I've got mum drinking Essiac tea, and i'm useing spells and reiki. I visit mum between 2 and 5 times a day to get her to drink her "jungle juice" (as she calls it) because when i made it the first time she kept finding excuses not to take it. (and we think that her "all witchcraft, all herb-lore is evil" boyfriend is influencing that choice).
The doctor wants to stop giving her chemo because it is damaging her heart and he is certain it is a waste of resorces because she will still die. They can't oparate.
So I keep trying. I don't know if the godde wants her to die. I think this might be true. She had cancer before and won... But she took up smoking again, and drinking, and didn't make an effort to LIVE even though she had a second chance. I'm thinking maybe that was the test. Could she have blown her chance?
I went over there tonight, like every night. I noticed she was having a beer. and to my credit i didnt say anything. Everyone is prolly thinking "but it's just one beer, what's the big deal?" so i'd better explain. 1) She has liver cancer. 2) she only has half a liver becuase they cut the other half out when she had the first lot of cancer. 3) she had chemo yesterday and even though the doc never said she can't drink with it i'm damn sure that it wont mix with the anti-nausea pills she has to take for the few days after chemo. 4) Drinking erases the effect of the essiac tea. 5) I had a less than great childhood which has a lot to do with her drinking. But still I was determined i would not say anything.
Mum mentioned it and i'm like "that's ok, but i'd rather not talk about it". I thougth she would leave it at that, but she didnt, she kept comming back to the subject. So I tried to leave, to avoid the argument becuase I could tell she was already feeling the effect of her "one beer" (and in my experience she never has one). So she Grabbed on to me, forced me to sit down, and kept at it. I tried to remain calm but ti didnt work out that way.
She's getting louder and louder, saying shit like "your just parranoid, you need to be more open minded and let go of your fear of drinking" and "I should be aloud to have a beer, i'm going to die might as well enjoy myself"
I'm going "you might be dieing but there is no need to hurry it along, but i really don't want to talk about it. Its fine. one beer is fine, yes i understand"
Mum likes to argue, more than i do, which is saying something because i really enjoy a good debate. She keeps at it. So i cracked. I told her why I had a problem with her drinking. I reminded her of all the times she hit us kids, I asked her how often did she knock my sister unconcious.. how often did bec go to school with scratches from mums rings across her face?, how many times did mum ask my permission to kill bec? What about not having food because mum wanted her smokes and booze? (there was always food for me because i was "special needs" with my alergies, but bec wasn't aloud to touch it. i was the fav kid) All the psycho things she did when she has "one or two beers" or worse, wine. Gods, I'm so afraid of her when she drinks wine, I wont even have wine in my house now, not even ritual wine.
And she denied it. said she never hit bec because she always missed. She never hit either one of us kids. Two weeks ago she had a big talk with me and apologised for all the shit she put me through and was begging me not to judge other people who drink from her behaviour. a week before that she apologised to bec, for everything she put her through (which was 100 times worse than mum ever did to me). But tonight because someone else was there (her bf) she denys it.
He steped in and defended her! he wasn't even in our lives until after bec moved out.
She used really personal things against me. The cutting, my one and only suiside attempt. My running away from home. When i ran away i left a letter for her. I said i'd move back in if she stopped drinking. (we had a big fight the night before, so i called around and organised a place to stay and the next moring i left before she woke up) She denied being drunk that night, denied throwing shit at me, screming like a banshee and acusing me of sleeping around. And i'm like "how is my cutting nearly as bad as your drinking and bashing the shit out of your kids?" Telling me im demented, imagining all the things that happened when we were young. im lying making it all up.
There was a lot of yelling. I'm saying to her "I'm trying to help save your life!" Troy is going "you can't save anyone with cancer" In his sepirior tone. and mums like "well now you wont have to try, because you don't have a mother" Disowned me, just like that.
Do i keep trying? keep going with the spells and the jungle jucie, cleaning her house, trying to cheer her up and encorage her to keep going? It seems like she wants to give up.
My heart hurts.
And i know that she might not even "remember" this fight tomorrow. she'll ring me up and pretend nothing happened. Or she'll call all my family and friends and tell them about her bitch of a daughter and how she's glad to be rid of me. (mum is predictable)
Intelectually i know why she does these things. But it still hurts. I'm really trying. I'm trying so hard to help. She said she wants my help. I'm so tired. I tryed really hard. I'm crying. Now i think it is me who needs help.
Thankyou for listening.
As some of you already know, my mum has cancer. She is dying. (15+ tumors in her liver, they have not found the primary cancer, and there's a huge chance that they never will). I've had enough time that I can say it and not cry. The chemo is working very very slowly. The tumors have stoped mulitplying and growing, but they are not shrinking either. I've got mum drinking Essiac tea, and i'm useing spells and reiki. I visit mum between 2 and 5 times a day to get her to drink her "jungle juice" (as she calls it) because when i made it the first time she kept finding excuses not to take it. (and we think that her "all witchcraft, all herb-lore is evil" boyfriend is influencing that choice).
The doctor wants to stop giving her chemo because it is damaging her heart and he is certain it is a waste of resorces because she will still die. They can't oparate.
So I keep trying. I don't know if the godde wants her to die. I think this might be true. She had cancer before and won... But she took up smoking again, and drinking, and didn't make an effort to LIVE even though she had a second chance. I'm thinking maybe that was the test. Could she have blown her chance?
I went over there tonight, like every night. I noticed she was having a beer. and to my credit i didnt say anything. Everyone is prolly thinking "but it's just one beer, what's the big deal?" so i'd better explain. 1) She has liver cancer. 2) she only has half a liver becuase they cut the other half out when she had the first lot of cancer. 3) she had chemo yesterday and even though the doc never said she can't drink with it i'm damn sure that it wont mix with the anti-nausea pills she has to take for the few days after chemo. 4) Drinking erases the effect of the essiac tea. 5) I had a less than great childhood which has a lot to do with her drinking. But still I was determined i would not say anything.
Mum mentioned it and i'm like "that's ok, but i'd rather not talk about it". I thougth she would leave it at that, but she didnt, she kept comming back to the subject. So I tried to leave, to avoid the argument becuase I could tell she was already feeling the effect of her "one beer" (and in my experience she never has one). So she Grabbed on to me, forced me to sit down, and kept at it. I tried to remain calm but ti didnt work out that way.
She's getting louder and louder, saying shit like "your just parranoid, you need to be more open minded and let go of your fear of drinking" and "I should be aloud to have a beer, i'm going to die might as well enjoy myself"
I'm going "you might be dieing but there is no need to hurry it along, but i really don't want to talk about it. Its fine. one beer is fine, yes i understand"
Mum likes to argue, more than i do, which is saying something because i really enjoy a good debate. She keeps at it. So i cracked. I told her why I had a problem with her drinking. I reminded her of all the times she hit us kids, I asked her how often did she knock my sister unconcious.. how often did bec go to school with scratches from mums rings across her face?, how many times did mum ask my permission to kill bec? What about not having food because mum wanted her smokes and booze? (there was always food for me because i was "special needs" with my alergies, but bec wasn't aloud to touch it. i was the fav kid) All the psycho things she did when she has "one or two beers" or worse, wine. Gods, I'm so afraid of her when she drinks wine, I wont even have wine in my house now, not even ritual wine.
And she denied it. said she never hit bec because she always missed. She never hit either one of us kids. Two weeks ago she had a big talk with me and apologised for all the shit she put me through and was begging me not to judge other people who drink from her behaviour. a week before that she apologised to bec, for everything she put her through (which was 100 times worse than mum ever did to me). But tonight because someone else was there (her bf) she denys it.
He steped in and defended her! he wasn't even in our lives until after bec moved out.
She used really personal things against me. The cutting, my one and only suiside attempt. My running away from home. When i ran away i left a letter for her. I said i'd move back in if she stopped drinking. (we had a big fight the night before, so i called around and organised a place to stay and the next moring i left before she woke up) She denied being drunk that night, denied throwing shit at me, screming like a banshee and acusing me of sleeping around. And i'm like "how is my cutting nearly as bad as your drinking and bashing the shit out of your kids?" Telling me im demented, imagining all the things that happened when we were young. im lying making it all up.
There was a lot of yelling. I'm saying to her "I'm trying to help save your life!" Troy is going "you can't save anyone with cancer" In his sepirior tone. and mums like "well now you wont have to try, because you don't have a mother" Disowned me, just like that.
Do i keep trying? keep going with the spells and the jungle jucie, cleaning her house, trying to cheer her up and encorage her to keep going? It seems like she wants to give up.
My heart hurts.
And i know that she might not even "remember" this fight tomorrow. she'll ring me up and pretend nothing happened. Or she'll call all my family and friends and tell them about her bitch of a daughter and how she's glad to be rid of me. (mum is predictable)
Intelectually i know why she does these things. But it still hurts. I'm really trying. I'm trying so hard to help. She said she wants my help. I'm so tired. I tryed really hard. I'm crying. Now i think it is me who needs help.
Thankyou for listening.