LostSheep
October 21st, 2005, 05:20 PM
I've been trying to decide whether or not I should burden you good folks with my woes, but what the heck, i can't keep this to myself much longer.
So, I may as well let it all out.
As I’ve mentioned a couple of times before in other threads, for the last four months or so I’ve been going through a relationship like I’ve never experienced before. We met online, and we just knew that we belonged together ... like i feel a kind of empathy? with her - I can tell what she’s thinking, I’m happy if she’s happy, I’m not happy if she’s not happy... it’s a freaky feeling, like we’ve gotten to know each other almost too well for us to risk parting company.
But I just couldn’t handle the intensity of it, the feeling that we were sharing so much ... she told me things that she hasn’t told anyone apart from her mom and her sister, things that happened to her when she was little - and I told her things I’ve never told anyone else. I found myself getting seriously depressed - I think because of the intensity. I can’t sleep without drinking, and if I’ve been drinking I might pick up a knife and just run it across my arm ... just to relieve the tension. So I offered to take a step back, ‘just be friends’, and she agreed, and that’s what we’ve been doing. We communicate by email, but we don’t phone anymore like we used to, and i miss hearing her voice.
And that’s the problem - I can’t let it go -- I worry about her. If she’s not happy I’m not happy, if she’s depressed I’m depressed, I don’t think she’s aware how much of an effect she has on me. I can’t let it go altogether, though only then can I really remember what we did, what we shared, can I go through a period of mourning, i suppose, for the relationship...
Is it better that we stay in touch, even if it’s not satisfactory, i just can’t say goodbye altogether because I’ll always be wondering about her, always be worrying about her, always feeling upset and knowing, somehow, that she’s upset ... I feel kind of as if i should be there for her if she should ever want me, even if she never does? I know that if I’m ever going to establish a new relationship, where perhaps circumstances might be more on our side, how can I stop her being on my mind, thoughts of her sneaking in all the time? How can i break this ‘link’ i feel to her?
I know I’ve been going on a bit, but that’s how I can best describe it - i just haven’t felt anything like this before, and to tell the truth I’m a bit scared by it. How can I handle it? And the intensity of emotion - this 'link' with her - that scares me. how can i cope with that?
So, I may as well let it all out.
As I’ve mentioned a couple of times before in other threads, for the last four months or so I’ve been going through a relationship like I’ve never experienced before. We met online, and we just knew that we belonged together ... like i feel a kind of empathy? with her - I can tell what she’s thinking, I’m happy if she’s happy, I’m not happy if she’s not happy... it’s a freaky feeling, like we’ve gotten to know each other almost too well for us to risk parting company.
But I just couldn’t handle the intensity of it, the feeling that we were sharing so much ... she told me things that she hasn’t told anyone apart from her mom and her sister, things that happened to her when she was little - and I told her things I’ve never told anyone else. I found myself getting seriously depressed - I think because of the intensity. I can’t sleep without drinking, and if I’ve been drinking I might pick up a knife and just run it across my arm ... just to relieve the tension. So I offered to take a step back, ‘just be friends’, and she agreed, and that’s what we’ve been doing. We communicate by email, but we don’t phone anymore like we used to, and i miss hearing her voice.
And that’s the problem - I can’t let it go -- I worry about her. If she’s not happy I’m not happy, if she’s depressed I’m depressed, I don’t think she’s aware how much of an effect she has on me. I can’t let it go altogether, though only then can I really remember what we did, what we shared, can I go through a period of mourning, i suppose, for the relationship...
Is it better that we stay in touch, even if it’s not satisfactory, i just can’t say goodbye altogether because I’ll always be wondering about her, always be worrying about her, always feeling upset and knowing, somehow, that she’s upset ... I feel kind of as if i should be there for her if she should ever want me, even if she never does? I know that if I’m ever going to establish a new relationship, where perhaps circumstances might be more on our side, how can I stop her being on my mind, thoughts of her sneaking in all the time? How can i break this ‘link’ i feel to her?
I know I’ve been going on a bit, but that’s how I can best describe it - i just haven’t felt anything like this before, and to tell the truth I’m a bit scared by it. How can I handle it? And the intensity of emotion - this 'link' with her - that scares me. how can i cope with that?