My thoughts, prayers and thanks

[AineDanu]

Dear Mother and Sister Goddesses, On this night I wish to thank you for all that you have provided for me in this year. You have given me more knowledge, wisdom, peace and acceptance than I realized. You have given me back part of my family whom I had missed dreadfully. You have brought me many friendships and opened my eyes to those who were not true friends. You have helped me to clear out alot of negative patterns and thoughts. I know I still have alot more knowledge and wisdom to gain but I also know you will provide it when the time is right.

I want to ask you for the strength to face the trials ahead, I am so very afraid of this last treatment. I am afraid of the pain and of the side effects and I am afraid that it will do no good, as the rest of the treatments have done. I do not want to raise my hopes that I shall live, only to be proven wrong. So i ask for strength, and comfort.

Also, I wish to honor all of those friends and family members who have passed on. I miss you all and am glad that I can feel you so close to me the last few days. Dad, Grandma, Granddad, Uncle Phil, Aaron, Shawn, Sydney, Gene - my dearest Step-dad, my daughter. I love and cherish all of you. Thank you for the love and memories you provided in life and for the guidance and protection you provide now....

Mother and Sister Goddesses - thank you for bringing me home.

Love, AineDanu

[AineDanu]

I made it through the Samhain ritual, my first ever ritual, and I could not help but feel it was all a sham. These were not the people for me to be with, these were not the ones for me to join. I went through the motions that were expected of me but I felt disconnected. I also felt sad that these people do not realize that their way of life is over, none of them are what they were, they have all grown/changed and become different people but for some reason they hold onto the belief that they are exactly the same in this one area of their life. I wish them well but I know for certain now that my life will not be part of their's beyond healing and helping when I can.

During the ritual I felt you near me, Morrigu, Aine, Danu and Gaia. I felt you watching me and sending me your love - as well as your understanding. I felt you help me shut this door to my past - and step into my future. I am anxious to return home so that I may begin the life that is starting. I understand now that I must finish this round of healing, that I must settle my issues that are still cropping up...and that the time of settling is here. I understand that as soon as all is settled I am free to live my life fully. No more terminal illness - I will either survive physically and move onto a fulfilling life - or I will pass into the next phase of existence. Either way - freedom - happiness - and peace are coming. Thank you.

[AineDanu]

A month went by and I am finally returned home to the internet. :) That would be the best news that I have. Now for the rest.

I am terrified of what is coming and what is happening. I spend so much time in the hospital that i'm beginning to feel more at home there than anywhere.

The Treatment is killing me. The disease is killing me.

How do I live?

I am so tired of living every day in non-stop pain, of never knowing if I can eat or if i'm going to be sick the moment I do. I'm so tired of not having the energy to interact with people and to be alive. I feel as if all I do is exist anymore and I really do not know why I am bothering to continue to exist. I try to tell myself that there is a reason behind all of this. I keep hoping that some day I will understand. THat some day this will all have been worth it but right now, all I know is I want to give up. Some times I feel as if I am going through the motions needed to live but the rest of me is not into it. I am only doing this so that others will feel more content when I am gone that at least I tried. All I know anymore is that I am tired of fighting for life, and tired of fighting this disease. Why was I the one in a million to get this in disease form? everyone else gets a flu and I get to die. THREE YEARS of daily pain, THREE YEARS of puking more often than eating, THREE YEARS of wishing I could just die and not have to fight any more..........28 years of fighting to live ---- being diagnosed with one problem after another almost from birth.....of having to spend hours at drs offices and days at hospitals undergoing test after test... I know more about medicine than any person who has taken no anatomy or medical class should. I amaze the drs and nurses when I understand what they explain to me. I also sadden them because they can see that I know the truth that they try so hard to deny. THe disease is winning. The treatments are making me even worse, faster than the disease was. I was hospitalized the day after thanksgiving and stayed for five days as they watched for heart failure. They changed my treatment to the only other medicine, one that doesnt work well, one that I have already had nasty reactions to, and now the pain the injections cause me is so bad they have started me on MORPHINE. Every single day for the next two months (minimum) I will have to have morphine injections prior to my treatment in the hopes that that will keep the pain at an acceptable rate. So far it hasnt. I want to give up. I want the pain to end. BUt i'm so scared that if I do give up I will have to go through all of this again.

I ask for any who read this = if you wish to reply then do.
I ask for the goddesses - please help me find the strength to continue, please help me find the knowledge of what my path should be, and please continue to stand beside me as I go through this trying time....

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless Lord,this hurting soul,and send peace and light to her in tmes of trouble.
Send her your word to comfort her.

Kind and loving Goddess,Stand by this child of yours in her hours of loneliness.
Send favor and comfort into her life.

[AineDanu]

First I want to thank Azzeenasman for all of her help, guidance and prayers. I also want to send thanks and well-wishes to everyone else who has opened their hearts to a stranger to show me that I am not alone and that I do have support if and when I need it.

To the Goddess', for all of your help - I do thank you. I am still very lost and confused. I still cannot understand why every day the pain gets worse and why I am having more and more side effects to the medicine. I do not understand how I can help others when I cannot even take care of myself right now. I understand that I am meant to help others heal in body, heart and soul but how can I do this when I am still so broken?

I await your messages and know they will come when it is right, I just wish to understand what is going on. I truly do not know how many more tests like this I can pass in one lifetime. In the past 28 years I have survived child molesting, two rapes, physical and mental abuse, depression, being born with a rare disease that kills over 90percent of the people born with it, a multitude of other illnesses and disease and now this pulmonary histoplasmosis. I have lost over 40 people who I have loved in ten years, to cancer, murder, hit and run, and out of the blue medical problems, as well as suicide. My youngest sister is only six and she has Down Syndrome. My 20 year old sister is married with a 3 year old and suffering depression and alot of fears about losing me that she won't admit she has. Dear Goddess' could you please send them some warmth and healing love? The little one has been abandoned by her father because he does not feel he could have created a child "Like her". She is the warmest most loving person I have ever met. She opens her heart to every single person she sees and greets them all with hugs. Even strangers in the grocery store. Our mother needs your guidance as well, to find herself again and become the mom she used to be. She no longer deals in reality most of the time and wishes to spend her life sleeping. She does not even like to get up and get Boo ready for school. She rarely plays with her and does none of the fun stuff - like arts and crafts and games - with her that she did with Jenny and I. SHe actually complains that she has to read to her for fifteen minutes a day to help her learn. I know she has a broken heart for Boo's dad leaving. I know it is made worse because he left her for her niece and they now have a "perfect" son together. Can you please help her and guide her back to herself? Help her become strong once again.

As for me - I ask what I always ask - for continued knowledge, for strength, for protection, and for your love which I know you give freely and fully.

Thank you Goddess' for being there even when I do not feel you are. For forgiving all my doubts, and for bringing me here to meet these people who are caring and giving and whom I hope will be friends some day. :)

With love, AineDanu

[smckim]

Energy, love and prayers go with you. May the Goddess keep you and hold you in her loving arms and soothe you with her love.

[AineDanu]

Dear Goddess'
I am writing tonight to thank you for all of the kind people you have brought into my life. You have - through them - shown me much love, sharing, caring, and acceptance. You sent them to me at one of the lowest times in my life and it is helping alot. You know how much I hate having to rely on others and that is all I can do right now. If it were not for others, I would have no where to live, no food to eat, no one to talk to and no one to care. Even the nurses who are treating me like me. I can see it, feel it. It is odd to have people just truly accept you and welcome you into their lives so fully. The nurses go out of their way to greet me daily. Even when I am not their patient. Two of the nurses always try to be my nurse. They even offer to take over if another nurse starts my treatment AND if they do not like how the other nurse is doing something they butt in and tell them to do Their way. I have not seen this occuring with the other patients they treat. They always smile, wish me well, and they go out of their way to make me comfortable and to bring me my favorite soda without me even asking. I thank them for every kindness - and I mean it. I think that they appreciate the good manners alot and the fact that they are honest and not just a "have to" kind of thing.

It always amazes me that people could like me. I see so little in myself to like that I can not accept that others would want to be around me. Yet you keep sending people to me that over-whelm me with acceptance. Sometimes I turn away from these people, sometimes I PUSH them away, othertimes I let them in and they turn into the best friends and family a person could ask for. Several times I have been wrong and accepted the wrong people into my life and been used and abused. I do not understand why this happens but I am sure at some point I will see the lesson.

I thank you for all of the knowledge you have allowed to come my way. I thank y ou for my mentors and teachers. They have been incredible. Twin has brought so much into my life. Without her I would still be a lost duck swimming in a swan pool and wondering why everyone around me kept giving me strange looks lol. She has helped me to find my path, and learn about it. She has given of herself endlessly and she has done things for me I have found astounding. Like paying for a life-time membership to Witchschool when she had only met me two months before. Like enrolling me in her school for free instead of charging me the 25.00. Like offering to pay to move my belongings from Missouri to Washington so I did not have to leave anything and I did not have to return ever. She asks for nothing in return except for my happiness. She knows that when my studies are complete I will gladly teach for/with her. She already anticipates my being one of her teachers. She has such faith in me - and yet I can find none to little in myself.

My friend Tim says I am the nicest, kindest, most compassionate person he has ever known. He cannot understand how I can stand beside him during his troubles and never have doubt in him. I am the only person, besides family, that still talks to him. I write him often and he writes back and he says my letters ease his time. He has another 20 years of prison to serve and it kills me to think of that for he is so young. I know he did nothing wrong and that is even harder to understand. I hate how wasted his life is being and it is truly tragic that it took this to wake him up and see the hole he dug his life into. I am glad he has had the time to sober up and to see through a clear mind how messed up his life had gotten but I don't like that he is stuck in prison. His children deserve their father. His parents deserve their son, his brother and sister (who has downs) deserve their brother. All - in - all Tim deserves to LIVE. It is ironic that his going to prison has brought about OUR friendship. I heard about it and knew he was innocent without question and I spent three months looking for him. I finally found where he was at and wrote to him. I expressed my belief in him and I cleared the past between us then I offered friendship. He cleared up his end and returned that offer. So now almost five years later I am the only one he has left. He doesnt understand why I keep writing to him. I find that sad. He is a GOOD person with a BIG heart.

And then there is my Matty, I would not be anything without him. I love him so much. There really are not words to describe him. he is simply My Matty. When the time comes that we meet - I do believe that time will simply stand still. It is so fated and so destined it is almost scary. Thank you for bringing him into my life. For all of the ups and downs of being his friend and confidante. Thank you for all of the trust and love. Thank you for his patience and understanding and for his stubborness through my fears of abandonment, for not letting me go when I felt he would be better off without me in his life.

I may never fully understand what all of these people see in me but I do thank you for each and every one of them, and for all of those un-named. For every person who has touched my heart - I thank you.

Dearest Goddess' I hope you know that that includes you. I thank you for coming to me, for showing me my true path, for opening your arms and welcoming me to your bosom in perfect love and trust. I thank you for your love and your protection, for your honesty in all things, and for everything I have not thought of as of yet. Mother Morrigu - you have shown me nothing but love, knowledge and protection - you have shown me how to stand strong under fire and how to accept some things you cannot change. Sisters - Gaia, Aine, Danu - you have welcomed me to you as an equal and for that i thank you. You treat me much as an older sibling does a younger one. You show me the way by example, by dream, by speech. Sometimes you knock me down but you always help me up. You helped me to develop my love of the earth and all of its creatures (except maybe snakes and bugs) and you have helped me overcome many fears. Thank you - you have been there for me always - even when I cannot see you or feel you. Even when I doubt you.

I honor you all, I am blessed you chose to bring me into your lives.

[AineDanu]

Grrrr - I really thought I would be writing tonight with the happiest of days coming to an end and this would be a nice happy little entry into my space. I really do not know what to call this....I talk to you Goddess as if you are my diary or best friend. I suppose in most ways you are except you have far more control of my life lol. I don't know it doesnt seem write to say I am praying, as I am just talking. I do honor you always but that is not my sole reason for this and it is not a journal although I guess I use it that way mostly. I don't know. I guess it doesnt really matter and this is really just a side journey to what I was really saying.

Today was Christmas, the very first one I have spent with my family in six years. The first one ever with my niece and the first one where my youngest sister was old enough to understand what was going on. She was eight months old for her first Christmas, the only one I was a part of. I really thought that today was going to be about happiness, warmth, family time of sharing and love. Why can I never have a holiday be like that from beginning to end? Why does there always have to be something to make it truly suck?

So yeah I know I had to have my treatment today, and I did and it wasnt a huge inconvenience on the day since it was so early in the morning. The biggest inconvenience there was the black-out of power. For some reason parts of Port Orchard and Bremerton blacked out. Including the hospital. It was working on only back up generators which meant that only those things that were necessary were working. This did not include lights in bathrooms - just so you are away - Does anyone know how awkward it is to have no choice but to leave a door partly open in a Public bathroom so you can See where you are going??? Especially in one that is as high traffic as in a hospital?? I lucked out no one came by but still the general thought of it was just UNGH. I found out some interesting things however, the hospital does not consider the kitchen or the ice machines necessary to hospital functioning but they do consider the blanket warmers necessary - YES I am serious the blanket warmers still work during a black out. I had warm soda and warmer blankets lol Luckily the drugs halfway knocked me out so I was really in no condition to care. I think they hit me hard today cause I went to bed late the night before and still had my sleeping pills in my system. Fun times.

Well back to Christmas, we go to my moms and all went well. I mean my Grandma and my Aunt were drunk by 1:30pm and my mom was in a "mood" but overall there were no huge fights, no tears, no I hate yous. So a pretty successful holiday. Oh yeah and no one went to jail. Yay family togetherness. Of course there were only a couple of us there since 90percent of my family is either disowned or ran away to other states to escape the chaos of our family. Sadly that never seems to work. I have adopted a great outlook since I have come back, I realize now that I do not have to put up with bad people just because I was born with similar blood in our veins. I do not have to let people who steal, lie and do physical harm to me and my siblings near me anymore. I do not have to let people who do beat each other and their kids and who are constantly drugged up near me. So maybe it is a good thing that it was a small gathering :) I love my aunt - she is wonderful and we have so very much in common that it is eerie:) she says I am her Karina and that no other niece is like I am to her - she wants me to get better but she is one of the first to admit that the odds are I wont. She reads everything she can find on my illness and re-reads it often just so she is up to date and understands what is happening with me even though what is on paper is nothing compared to the day to day life of it. She is my moms oldest sister and that gives us something in common as well, there is just something that only an oldest understands that binds you together in that. It is something my mom can never get - how come I understand Auntie so well and she doesnt. OH well.

Anyway, after dinner we went to my brother-in-laws-parents house. We exchanged gifts, watched some tv, played "Christmas" monopoly. I never knew they made that version of the game until tonight. Kinda cool but still monopoly so you get bored quickly. We quit the game to come home since we were all tired and the niece was in super-brat mode. SHe got so much stuff it was just horrible trying to pack it into the car to bring home. All in all that went really well. They didnt have to but they got me a blanket (oh so warm and soft) and a gift card to barnes and noble. I really thought that was sweet. They apologized because they only had that for me and they had put out huge stockings for my sister, her husband and the niece as well as a very very large pile of gifts. Personally I thought it was nice that they cared enough to include me at all so I had no issue about it. It is not their fault they are stuck with me:) that is my sisters. yep yep i blame her fully. Actually I do think she should understand that just because I am her sister does not mean that everyone she meets has to accept me into their lives. She thinks that if they accept her than they accept me, she has been lucky because her friends during school years took to me as an older sister and it stuck for life. It also makes it tricky when they still want me in their lives when they have a problem with my sister. However HER inlaws - they did not know me, they didnt meet me until the wedding, and that was two years after they met Jenny, and a year after my niece was born so they really had no reason to be as nice as they have been. Since I moved up here they always include me when they can and if it something being done at their house then I am definately part of it. That is sweet. His mom is odd, I like her mostly but at the same time she irritates the crap outta me. I dunno - most people that meet her are not sure what to make of her.

So back to the point - i seem to be very scatterbrained tonight - the time there went well. We left to come home and still all was well. We got home and unloaded the kid and car. I started to organize things by people so we could at least figure out whose stuff was where and get it put up and as I was getting all the new clothes and towels gathered up to be washed (we have to wash every thing that comes from any parents home as they all smoke so all of our stuff reeks of smoke- yucky - even brand new stuff) As I was on my way into the area where the washer is I noticed two pieces of paper. These are what pissed me off and made my night end badly.

My dear brother in law decided to make up a "chart" of chores to be done daily. Now he doesnt talk to anyone about this stuff. He just decides that he should make such a list and decide who does what and when. Excuse me I am not two years old, and he is not my father. WHo the hell does he think he is to tell me what to do and when to do it ??? The second one was a bill list and what he felt I should pay - my sister and I have already talked about and worked this out amongst us........and one of the bills he has listed is for something I am already paying for and he put the "estimated" price at DOUBLE what it really is. SO he makes up a list of what i should pay without knowing what my sister and I have talked about AND doesnt bother to find out how much things are in the first place.... ALL WITHOUT TALKING TO ME!!! He can sit on a stick for all I care. I am not doing a damn thing for him until he figures out how to talk to a person instead of treating them like inept kids....OH and he and Jenny have my mom watching their daughter three days a week so that they do not have to pay for day care on those days. Because day care is so expensive. This starts this week. So he has posted that if I cannot due the work assigned that my mom should do it in my place....Excuse me they want her to watch their kid........not be their maid.....that is beyond rude and presumptuous. GRRRR

I am really very angry right now with him and I am very upset with my sister for not doing anything about this.....the only reason I havent made a scene about it is because it IS christmas and this holiday means EVERYTHING to my sister. WHich also makes his "Posting' these things tonight all the worse.

[AineDanu]

So I made it through my irritation of last night and into today. To handle the situation I simply left a note saying that that was inappropriate and if he wanted things done a certain way then we should all sit down and discuss things. No one has said a word so I am guessing for now things are dealt with and we will go on as before. It is not that I mind helping because when I can I do and I know I could make more of an effort on days that are not to horrid but overall I am doing my best.

Dear Mother Goddess,
I thank you for giving me this time with my family. I thank you for all that you do give me - such as the new people I have met here, the old people I can keep in touch with and the animals who have blessed me with their loving accepting presence in my life.

As we approach the "new" year for the calender I find I am lost in thought on a lot of things and I am feeling rather down in the mouth. I ask that you help me find my center and peace in my life so that I can help others as you will. I ask that you continue to bless me with increased knowledge, and your love in my life.

Dear Sister Goddesses,
I thank you for your love and protections, for your aiding me in my growth and for your presences in my life. As with Morrigu I ask that you continue to help me gain in knowledge and skill to help myself and others as you will and that I continue to feel your love and acceptance in my life.

With honor and love to all of you who have taken me under your wing......thank you......

[AineDanu]

I wrote in here last night but somehow it is not here today. I do not know why not.

Dear Mother Morrigu - I write to you this night for many reasons. Some of them to offer thanks for all you have done for me. Some to wonder why things are happening and to ask for greater clarity and some just to cry about. I am not certain what other things may come from this but those are the things I know of. I want to thank you for bringing me so many confirmations that I am on the right path for me. I want to thank you for showing me that I do have value even when it appears that I have none. I want to thank you for honoring me by being one of your chosen ones. You have brought much into my life and for that I am thankful. You have brought me many hard lessons as well. Many that I have cursed and not understood and at times still do not understand but I do know now that I will eventually know why these thing occurred. I will eventually understand what my lesson or lessons was or were.

I ask of you these things Mother Morrigu. I ask that you help my birth Mother in her time of need. She is in much emotional pain and suffers greatly. SHe also is in much physical pain as well. Now she has both once again as she has been diagnosed with Glacoma. I know that she has a strength inside her she is not aware of but she has suffered so very much in her lifetime that I ask you now if we cannot ease some of this suffering so that she can once again become the Mother I once knew? The mother who loved being a mother. My youngest sister still needs her very much and so do the rest of us in our own ways. Christina would be lost without her and in her short life has already been turned away by to many that should have accepted her with open arms and all because she has Down Syndrome. She is one of the biggest blessings that has ever entered any of our lives and I am grateful for her always. I know she still needs our Mother very much and I fear that this may be the final blow to our mother being able to snap out of her depression and other problems.

I ask for the strength and knowledge needed to help those people who come to me in need. I ask for the wisdom to guide them to their paths and to know how to do so without causing them or me any harm. I ask for the understanding of how to help those who have come to me from different planes of existence. I also ask for the calm to not fear them when they appear as I have been startled and reacted wrongly quite often lately. Then again I have not been expecting to see them as I have lately. I ask for much I know, but I also know that you have given me this large amount to accomplish in this lifetime and in order to accomplish it I must have the abilities to do so. I am coming to understand more and more each day why I have suffered so much and what it has brought me. I can only hope that as I truly accept what I have learned the suffering will start to ease so that I may concentrate on the helping of others instead of the fixing of myself.

Taking my uncle Steve, I do not understand. He was a wonderful man, a great husband and provider and a wonderful father. He did all that was right in so many ways and for him to die alone with no one around him and at such a young age seems a crime. He deserved to be with his family. I did not know him as well as some of the others in my family did but what I knew of him was all wonderful things. I know our family will feel his loss for a long time. To strike the very next day with the news of my moms glacoma. I do not know how my grandma will take much more. Or my sister either. Jenny is not very strong and she is starting to really suffer. She is so pale all of the time anymore and so quiet. She can barely stand to come home as she is forced to watch me in pain and ill and then get nothing but bad news. All of this so close to what was either a miscarriage or an ovarian cyst has left her bordering on depression again. I have no way to help her though as I am never allowed time alone with her. Her husband does not allow that.

He is another one of my "complaints" I do not know what to do with him. I can barely stand looking at him much less talking to him. He is so full of trouble. Ever since meeting him my sisters life has been nothing but chaos and problems, fear and fights, tears and screaming. She is no longer full of joy and life. No longer full of song. THat has to be one of the biggest crimes of all. Killing her singing. She has the voice of an angel and she has sang since she came from the womb but no longer. Now you are lucky if she will sing along to a song on the radio. I miss her. We are not allowed to go do things together. Not even shopping for house needs unless he has a way to contact her and he can text message or call her every couple of minutes to check up on her. I hate it. She is my sister - why can we not have time together? He can go and hang out with another girl and not answer her phone calls but she cannot go out with her own sister without starting a war if she does not immediately reply to a text message.

I am losing my patience with this situation and with having to live like this. I do not know how much longer I can stay silent. I am tired of being made to feel like I am in the way when they are the ones that begged me to move here. I am tired of having to feel like crap all of the time because of the limitations on what I can and cannot do. I have enough going on without having to put up with his making matters worse for me. Right now I have no escape at all as I have these daily treatments and have to stay close to the hospital. I am tired of them expecting me to take care of their daughter, without asking me in advance, and then having them expect me to ask to have my sister spend the night. When it is her sister too. I should not have to ask about that.

For all of these matters I ask you to bring me guidance, peace and understanding. Thank you Mother Morrigu. And thank you for the crows that fly by every day and make me think of you and my Rayven.

[AineDanu]

I must say that over the last couple of days I have really come to respect the people of this group and some of the others I belong to. It is incredible how many people come out to help you and offer advice about things they are knowledgable in when you need to know stuff. I am truly thankful for all of the help that has been provided to me for my family and friends. I do not know why so many things have to happen on top of each other but it helps to know that their are people out there who take the time to listen and care. I have given up on people for the last several years it seems like every time I turn around people use me or hurt me or those that I love and it is hard to watch that over and over again. In the last few years as I have started studying and growing into my path and my beliefs I have begun to understand that people can only hurt you if you give them the power to do so. Ultimately it is your choice. I know this but it doesnt stop it from happening time and time again. I wish that I knew how to stop giving that power away but I think that if we did we would lose a large part of what we become human to experience. We would not be able to feel the full range of emotions. We would not be able to see and hear everything that is available to us.

I suppose this is a bit of an odd entry but I cant think where else it would belong. I suppose also that I must thank the Mother Goddess and My Sister Goddesses for helping me to understand these things so maybe it does have relevancy......Thank you for continuing to show me your wisdom and love.

[AineDanu]

Happy birthday Daddy - I have kept you alive in my thoughts and heart for the past six and ahalf years. I miss you more than I ever knew I could and I wish most often to feel your hugs again. I know you made me promise not to cry when you passed and most of the time I live up to it but sometimes I cannot. I'm sorry. I love you. Today you would have been 52 - instead of 45 for the seventh time. I wish you were here but I do take comfort from knowing you have your family with you. You are with Grandma and Grandad, and Uncle Phil. You have so many of my adopted uncles, your best friends with you and also Moms family as well. Soon your sister will be with you. I cannot imagine how cancer managed to wipe out one entire side of my family so easily. Uncle Smokey swears he is healthy and I pray that is true. He has been good to me since you passed, he keeps in touch and goes out of his way to see me when he can. Now that I have moved closer he is even trying to come visit me here sometime soon. He still wants to take me icefishing though. Oh and of course he still wants me to let him set me up with a nice morman boy:P I am sure he knows im Pagan but I think he ignores it and we dont discuss it. But I wrote my little blurb for the family tree and included the fact that im ordained, online, and that I officiated Jenny's (my sister) wedding.

I have one thing to ask Daddy dearest. Please watch over the kids for me. Im not doing such a great job with my health and mind as it is so often so keep and eye on Chase and Britney and Jenny Lizzie and Boo. I know you adored Jenny as much as if you were her Daddy too and she considered you her second Daddy. She misses you as much as I do. Boo you met the day before you died so I dont know if you recall her but she is the youngest sister of mine and she is 6. She has down syndrome and she is an angel on earth. She is all that is happiness, love, purity. Lizzie you never met but she is jennys daughter

you grandaughter by love and choice

Goodnight my darling dearest daddy I love you. GOOD BY GOODBYE

[AineDanu]

I am so incredibly tired of everything going wrong over and over again until I cannot possibly recover. I have no way of winning anymore. I'm completely out of options. The last bit of happiness I thought I had found is gone. Being with my family was supposed to be a good thing but I just knew it was gonna get screwed up. I knew it and I tried so hard to believe in my sister's belief that all would be well. I tried so hard to tell her how things would be if I came up here. I didnt exaggerate the bad but I made sure she understood it. Somehow she just didnt listen I guess because now she has decided to move across town with her family and leave me in her old home. alone. with no way to pay for it and no way to even get the bills in my name because I was a stupid teenager and helped to many people out and completely fubarred my credit. I have no options of anywhere else to go and the real kicker is It IS LIFE THREATENING FOR ME TO LIVE ALONE. My health is that bad, I have periods of non-stop vomitting until I pass out. Sometimes I skip the puking and go strait to blacking out when I stand up to walk the fifteen or twenty feet to the bathroom. Or half way there. It doesnt matter though. Her husband wants to move and so they will. I will have little food and no utilities and probably not even an apartment after the first month or so but its my problem right? I mean just because she begged me to move here so she could spend more time with me and help me through this illness and the treatments I needed knowing how bad it is and completely aware of the fact that I cannot be alone it doesnt make it her problem. I have no one else to turn to. I can go back to Missouri. Where I contracted the disease. Where the very air makes the disease progress even faster and is guaranteed to kill me within two to five years instead of fifteen to twenty if I stay away from there and manage to slow the progress down. Of course if I stay in therapy I could theoretically be cured. Except that I have not responded to any of the therapies at all and the best choice therapy almost killed me instantly. So im on the b plan and no signs of it doing anything to help me. Wont get definate knowledge of that though for another month or two when the specialist decides to do a catscan and see if the nodules have grown and constricted my airways further.

Hell i dont know why im bothering with this. its pointless. no one cares. why should they? even my family doesnt want me why would anyone else. and why should they. i dont even know if im going t ofinish therapy. why should I? maybe if i quit therapy and move back to missouri i can convince the drs to keep me on pain meds and leave me to progress. if i quit fighting maybe i'll be lucky and it will be over in a few months instead of years. who knows. i dont. i dont know anything. i dont know why i bother coming here, why i try to help others, why all i want in my life is to learn how to help people and heal people and find a little bit of happiness and im not even allowed that. not at all. the minute i feel a tiny bit happy its shattered beyone recognition. and who cares? no one. no one cares because im just not important ive lost all value. when the little sister who used to look up to you because you took care of her when others wouldnt, loved her when others werent paying attention doesnt care anymore....who will?

[AineDanu]

It was pointed out to me that I should say that If people want to say something after having read any of my posts here then feel free to do so. I don't have a problem with hearing other peoples thoughts or comments.

[AineDanu]

I'm still here and still trying to figure things out. I am still wondering what is going on and why I am not allowed any peace or happiness in my life. I am not hurting so much. I am not feeling much at all. I sleep only with drug enducement. I eat only once a day and then only when in hospital under seriously drugged up states so that I know it will stay down. I do not care if I eat but the nurses question me to deeply and I am not a liar so if I do not eat then I will get into trouble with them.

I dont know why I continue going, it is a strain on everyone. I hope my social security comes through and quickly so that I can leave here. I am going to move away from here and live somewhere alone, dangerous or not. I am thinking to move to a very small town in Montana where I know no body and nobody knows me. Or somewhere else with mountains and water.

My mother and youngest sister are going to move in temporarily and my aunt is going to loan me some furniture so I am not living in a completely empty house. My aunt is also going to allow the bills to be put in her name if I cannot get them in mine, under the agreement that they are never delinquent. Which as long as my mother holds to her part they will not be. I don't know. She will drive me insane but maybe it will be worth it to give Boo a real home for a short time and also for me to have time with her to build memories before I am gone for a very long time if not forever. She will be hurt when I leave but I cannot stay here for her I did that with Jenny and look how things have turned out? I bent over backwards and screwed up my life so many times JUST to be there for her and help her. She never even knew some of the things I gave up for her. Like college. I lied and said I wasnt ready after high school. So I could move up here and be with her and help her cope with living in an abusive home that was nasty and had no utilities most of the time. I had been preadmitted to a college and had a 8000 dollar scholarship as well. I thought helping her was more important after all she was just a kid and i was her big sister, aren't we supposed to protect them and help them? I let her live with me for a year and dealt with a lot of crap during that time, like my dad dieing of cancer and living in a gross apt that we had been tricked into leasing. 21 and supporting a 13 year old is not the easiest thing in the world to do. Then my mom got pregnant and her and her boyfriend moved down to missouri with me and my sister. Suddenly there was no room anywhere. i was the only income and things went to hell from there. Once again my credit went down the tubes because I couldnt afford to feed and house that many people. I lost my car to repo and my dad bought me a very old car for 700 dollars and it barely survived a year. It was to much mileage back and forth to work, over an hour each way. He died and things got worse. Now 6 years later I still havent managed to get things together. I wonder if I ever will. Not until I stop letting other people decide what is right with my life. and i stop living my life to help everyone else. I cant even help myself. I want so desperately to go to school and if THEY hadnt pulled this new stunt I could have. One class a semester but it would have been something. Now I can do nothing unless my ssi comes through.

My room-mate said that Morrigu always looks after her children. That I should have faith because she has come through before although it hasnt always seemed so until much later. Maybe he is right. I have wanted to be on my own again and this would give me that eventually. It makes it so I dont have to feel guilty with moving away. Except for Boo. She deserves someone to love her and do things with her. SHe deserves a real child hood instead of only being allowed to watch movies and go to school. She has no one in her life really besides a mother who spends all of her time sleeping and drugged up and a grandma who is drunk or stressed out. I hope that mom's living here for a few months will help her to calm down and lessen her stress for a short time.

Who knows what will happen. Right now I just pray to get my ssi.

Mother Morrigu, and Sisters Gaia, AIne and Danu please help me now when I need you so very much. Help me find peace and understanding, help me to forgive this hurt, and help me to get this ssi so that I can get my life in order and be able to help others as I know you have wanted and I have wanted as well. Continue to help me find the knowledge to do so and bring me the wisdom to know when to help and when to stand back. Help me to stay strong in my faith in you and to find some faith in myself. Your daughter and sister Ainedanu

[AineDanu]

So tonight I asked Jenny a couple of questions of things that were still bothering me. Like why she said it was a discussion when they had already filed the paperwork with the apartment building to move and why she said it had nothing to do with me when she told mom if they lived alone they would fight less. She says they didnt turn the paperwork in until the next day and that that comment still does not mean it had anything to do with me. Hello - if living alone will stop their fights and i'm the only other person living with them how does that not make it about me? Oh well, she gets her wish. When I get my ssi settlement i'm moving on. I'm done with this family crap. I cant keep living my life by what they want and constantly getting crapped on in the process.

Mother Morrigu - please - help me find the strength to stop crying inside and out. Please help me to find some sort of inner peace so that my insides quit tearing me apart. Please help me feel less pain and betrayal. Please help me find some form of happiness. With love and honor, your daugher AineDanu

[AineDanu]

Dear Mother Morrigu - what more do I need to give to get a time of peace in my life? For almost four years now I have been struggling just to breathe and now .........this. I am covered in fevers. So hot So cold. I am so broken inside and out now. I have no one and nothing left in my life. What is the point of this existence? What is the point of being in this kind of pain and misery? Why tell me to help people and then take away the ability to do so? I can do no good in the condition I am in. I cannot help D. like this. She needs someone who is there for her all the time not someone who keeps getting emotionally or physically broke down.

I ask you Mother Morrigu to please take care of her. Do not let her fall aside or be forgotten. She has so much to share with the world if only someone could help her see it. Please watch over all of the people here who have such wonderful hearts and are so caring and giving. They all deserve to find peace and happiness and love in their lives. Please watch over them and guide them on their way.

Thank you Mother for being a part of my life. I do not know why it is like it is or what I am supposed to learn from all of this but I guess i'll probably be finding out soon. Goodnight.

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless kind Goddess,this hurting child of yours.Guide her always and give her rest.

[AineDanu]

Dearest Mother Morrigu,
I am so confused. I do not know what you want of me. Please can you talk to me? tell me what I am to do. I know I am to heal people, I know I am to help people. I know I am to support the animals. I do all of this willingly and gladly but it for myself I am confused. I do not know what you want from me. I do not know how much more I can give. I am to tired. What do you want me to do? Am I to heal or not? Am I to fight this disease or not? What more can I do? I do as the doctors say and nothing improves. I do as I feel I should nothing improves. I am lost. I need you to guide me. You have been here for me so much and I know you will always be but I am so unsure now of what I am to do. I need your help. I know in a lot of ways you are providing it. Sometimes at costs I never anticipated but you are providing. I just need to know what you want of me in this instance. Do I or don't I? To heal or not to heal. I do not know anymore. I do know that a lifetime of this pain I cannot do. If he is right I will have to spend decades knowing nothing but pain and nausea. Nothing but illness. I do not wish for that to be my life so please shw me what i am needing to do here. Thank you Dearest Mother Morrigu for all you have done and do for me. I do so love and honour you. Goodnight.

[AineDanu]

I am lost in thoughts for the last few days. So many fragmented thoughts. Some make sense and some do not. I do not know what is right and what is wrong for me now. Do I fight or dont I? I know I cannot give up the ultimate fight yet. There are to many people relying on me at this point. Responsibility sucks at times. Especially when you stick it on yourself. I belong to no one. I belong with no one. Maybe that is why I feel like no one. I do not know anymore.

I wonder why this disease won't go and I think and I question the whys of it. Do you know - I am starting to understand. You want an act of complete and total blind faith. You want me to give myself over to you and trust only in you. That you will care for me. That you will provide for me as I am meant to be provided for now. I dont know if I can do that. I know you have plans for me and I know that you eventually want me to help alot of people and animals so this isnt the end for me but what I dont know is how much more pain is involved in this lifetime.

I want to be happy. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to live a real life and not be a walking disease. I dont know why that is so much to ask for. I dont understand why I am not allowed that.

Maybe, some day, i will understand.
Have faith in you. I do. Trust you. I do. Take a deep breath and step off the pier.....that I am not ready to do. So I guess until I am I deserve this pain and illness.

Until another time - with love and honor - your daughter AineDanu

[SilverClaw]

AineDanu lett ing you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers and thanks for you sweet thoughts even though your going through such a rough period with your health :hugz: Be well.

[AineDanu]

Another day of hopeless confusiom and constant alone-ness. So yay I find out that the last four months of pain and misery were all for nothing. The dangers to my life - were all for nothing. I am stuck. I will be sick and full of pain and nausea and misery forever. The doctors wash their hands of healing me. They say now only that they hope to slow the progress and give me drugs to "maintain" the disease. What a load of crap. They do not know what to do so they are going to do nothing. What do they care it is not their life that is affected. It is not them who will be stuck in a life of never ending suffering.

And yet everyone expects me to keep fighting. What is the point? I have two choices now - death or a life of never ending pain and nausea, inability to breath properly and no chance of finding love or having a family. WHo would love someone like me? and who would risk having a kid with someone like me? no one. So I will stay alone, always and forever alone. Im so tired of being alone and lonely.