Love life hurdles

[flar7]

When you really love some one, do you not tell them so that they
may go out and find the one of their dreams?

This is assuming that their are a couple hurdles that you cant
overcome and dont want to dump on the other.
And I mean really BIG HURDLES!! Also, you know what the other
wants(cause she told you) and you cant give those things!

[Hedwig]

I've learned that if you love someone, you should always say so-NO MATTER WHAT.

If you don't tell her, then you may be making a decision for her that she wouldn't make on her own. That isn't fair to either one of you.

I have been on the other side. There was a man that I was seeing and he tried to let me go because he knew he couldn't give me what I needed emotionally and physically. Not knowing about his problems, I told him how I felt over and over again until he caved and we spent the most amazing two years together. We aren't together now but I feel I am a much better person for the experience and I have no regrets.

Knowing that you are loved is one of the most important things in the world. I've made a habit of telling the people I love that I love them often. If something ever happens to any of them, I know that they will leave knowing I loved them.

It's a little difficult to respond to your questions without knowing exactly what's going on but I don't believe you should ever hold back love.

[Starlight]

I can honestly say I have never loved some one in that way! *shrug* But I would definatly tell them how I feel. The way I see it ..if you can't be open with that person in the very beginning then what's the point of even starting a relationship. I dunno this is just "The Dateless Wonder" speaking soooooooo...! :)

[Myst]

Love isn't the only thing relationships need to be based on. Or as that 80's band sang "sometimes love just ain't enough".

So sure tell someone you love them. It doesn't mean you're meant to be together.

[mato]

take it from the cold hermit, love is over rated.

[MammaStar]

Originally posted by Myst
Love isn't the only thing relationships need to be based on. Or as that 80's band sang "sometimes love just ain't enough".

So sure tell someone you love them. It doesn't mean you're meant to be together.

I whole heartedly agree with Myst. I was soo incredibly in love with someone for 8 years. There's a part of me that will always love him, but we were just no damn good for each other. We were so incredibly passionete with each other, love making, fighting, whatever. But we both wanted different things and in the end he just couldn't do it. So i finally got the courage and strength to leave him. Two years later, I found Eshallet.

He is amazing. Strong, confident, supportive. Loves me madly. Supports me the best way he knows how. In the two years I've been with him, I haven't had to look to other relationships (friends, etc.) to find what I need. We tell each other constantly how much we love, respect and appreciate one another.

That's important, at least to me.

[flar7]

cause it would take away from the question as the center.

If you know that at some time in the relationship they are going
to suffer a great pain(and I mean sooner than normal) would
you put yourself into their lifle? Or get yourself in deeper if you
are already friends but you want more?

I was married for almost 9 years and it ended, but not the way
expected. I swore I would never get married and I ended up
with almost 9 of the best years of my life. I swore not to get
in deep again with feelings like this, and here I am. I need to
give up swearing! LOL

example of situation would be the movie "Dying Young"
Sure they love each other, but if you knew in advance and could
spare the other the pain of the end, would you?

I have no answer to this question, and probably there is no
answer. Without love, there is no living. Enough rambling
for now. Thanks for the views.

[StormChaser]

Originally posted by mato
take it from the cold hermit, love is over rated.

*trys to hide a gryn*

Your tellin me hun. No matter how "good" my current guy is. My ex is seeminly unshakable.. even if he hates my guts now *rolls her eyes at herself*...

Love has left me pretty pathetic. If i could do it all over again..
I'd never do it!

Then again.. maybe i would.. *gryns*

~The Contradiction

[Starlight]

Originally posted by mato
take it from the cold hermit, love is over rated.

I'm with you Hermit guy! :)

[Semele]

Ok, I think we have talked about this enough that you know my opinion on it, but here goes again for the rest of the folks out there. It is not your place to decide to spare someone of feelings and emotions that may hurt them later. You cannot tell someone not to care for you...just doesn't work that way!

Also, your dying young example...same thing Joe. If I knew that Mol was going to die in a year or two...I would most definately dump him...wait, no thats not what I mean. I mean I would savor those two years even more. Sure it would hurt after he was gone but I would have so many positive, awesome memories of the time we shared. Plus the experience would make me that much wiser for my next relationship. If I can survive him, I can handle anything!

Also it goes beyond just love relationships and extends into FRIENDSHIPS as well. If I had a friend that had, say, a terminal illness, would I aviod getting close to them to save me the pain if and when they die before me? I think you know the answer to that. I love ya...ya big ol dork, and I still think you are trying to protect yourself instead of her.

[mato]

Originally posted by Semele
Ok, I think we have talked about this enough that you know my opinion on it, but here goes again for the rest of the folks out there. It is not your place to decide to spare someone of feelings and emotions that may hurt them later. You cannot tell someone not to care for you...just doesn't work that way!

Also, your dying young example...same thing Joe. If I knew that Mol was going to die in a year or two...I would most definately dump him...wait, no thats not what I mean. I mean I would savor those two years even more. Sure it would hurt after he was gone but I would have so many positive, awesome memories of the time we shared. Plus the experience would make me that much wiser for my next relationship. If I can survive him, I can handle anything!

Also it goes beyond just love relationships and extends into FRIENDSHIPS as well. If I had a friend that had, say, a terminal illness, would I aviod getting close to them to save me the pain if and when they die before me? I think you know the answer to that. I love ya...ya big ol dork, and I still think you are trying to protect yourself instead of her.

The good thing about not believing in love is that all of your relationships end the way you want them too... In other words I would survive all of my relationships, and get away with it too :lol: .

I am laughing too much, I should check the house for gas leeks... or light a match.

[Semele]

step away from the matches!

[mato]

:rotfl: I do that too much here, maybe there is a gas leek in my femputer

[Myst]

Originally posted by mato
The good thing about not believing in love is that all of your relationships end the way you want them too... In other words I would survive all of my relationships, and get away with it too

That statement is kind of amusing. How can you not "believe in love" - unless you believe no one loves anyone and love is just a made up term? And if you didn't believe in love, why would you have a relationship anyway? Wouldn't you just get with someone to sleep with them because there is no such thing as love? That's not a relationship, IMHO.

Ok I'm being picky again :)

[flar7]

wow. forgot about this one. :spaceman:

[Faery-Wings]

:fishsmack

oooooohhhh flar, you had mne really worried there for a minute. Whaddaya trying to do, give us all a heart attack, wondering what you are trying to tell us??

*breathes again after looking at date*

I should take karma away from you for that!
:hehehehe:

[docdoo]

Hiya!,
I have to agree with Semele on this one, the feelings that you describe seem to be based on protecting yourself. 'I know I cant give her what she wants/needs thus I'll tell her so and try to make her leave' (that is the general gist right?)

In your reality you see that there are things that will never work, you fear that ultimatly she will wind up resenting you, or hating you...or worse, being unfulfilled. This is absolutely not martyrism, rather a defence mechanism. This is a way of creating a 'loophole' so to speak, giving youself an out. You seem sure that these hurdles cannot be overcome...thus, by saying 'I cant do this for you...go find another' you have effectively lifted your self-imposed guilt from your own shoulders. If she were to insist upon staying with you...insist that both of you give it a shot, and it doesnt work out you can always fall back on 'I knew it wouldnt, and I begged you to leave'

The problem with this is that you place the weight of her happiness upon your shoulders... you claim the responsibility for yourself instead of letting her be responsible for her own happiness. Unfortunatly I am guilty of this very thing myself! :)

Now, having said that I'll go on to say that its not a bad thing, simply a protective mechanism. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt, and just by that statement alone ('leave me Im not good for you') I can infer that you tend to carry guilt, you probaly blame yourself for things that are not entirely your fault. Thus, through the years, you have learned to give yourself an out...a way to (hopefully) rid yourself of the guilt you will feel when the 'inevitable' happens. I dont know whether this behaviour is right or wrong...I do know that I posted to this because I am very much the same way.

Be assured however that this behvaiour is not selflessness...rather its roots are based in selfishness. I very much understand it as I do it...all the time...I hope I didnt confuse you...didnt get much sleep last night. Im afraid that, though I know where my thoughts were headed, I may have taken the long road there!

til next time

[Semele]

Dammit Joe..stop digging up bones! Oddly enough I still feel the same. Imagine that! ;)

Freyja..opinions?!

[mol]

Looks like you totally caved, Flar. Caved for love!

[Jenne]

Awww...perfect for Valentine's Day, Flar...

And they lived happily ever after...

A true love story--Freyja and Flar! :hearteyes

[flar7]

Hiya!,
I have to agree with Semele on this one, the feelings that you describe seem to be based on protecting yourself. 'I know I cant give her what she wants/needs thus I'll tell her so and try to make her leave' (that is the general gist right?)

In your reality you see that there are things that will never work, you fear that ultimatly she will wind up resenting you, or hating you...or worse, being unfulfilled. This is absolutely not martyrism, rather a defence mechanism. This is a way of creating a 'loophole' so to speak, giving youself an out. You seem sure that these hurdles cannot be overcome...thus, by saying 'I cant do this for you...go find another' you have effectively lifted your self-imposed guilt from your own shoulders. If she were to insist upon staying with you...insist that both of you give it a shot, and it doesnt work out you can always fall back on 'I knew it wouldnt, and I begged you to leave'

The problem with this is that you place the weight of her happiness upon your shoulders... you claim the responsibility for yourself instead of letting her be responsible for her own happiness. Unfortunatly I am guilty of this very thing myself! :)

Now, having said that I'll go on to say that its not a bad thing, simply a protective mechanism. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt, and just by that statement alone ('leave me Im not good for you') I can infer that you tend to carry guilt, you probaly blame yourself for things that are not entirely your fault. Thus, through the years, you have learned to give yourself an out...a way to (hopefully) rid yourself of the guilt you will feel when the 'inevitable' happens. I dont know whether this behaviour is right or wrong...I do know that I posted to this because I am very much the same way.

Be assured however that this behvaiour is not selflessness...rather its roots are based in selfishness. I very much understand it as I do it...all the time...I hope I didnt confuse you...didnt get much sleep last night. Im afraid that, though I know where my thoughts were headed, I may have taken the long road there!

til next time
tell me how you really feel doc.... :lol: :colorful:
yes, I gave in. the old point was, "if you love someone more than yourself, how can you bring such pain to them, such sorrow, when you have the ability to limit the scope of damage. Now, that doesnt mean you aint friends, nor that some level of commitment didnt already exist, merely that you stop the progression as much as possible. I believe that love grows and grows daily. The more you are with someone, the more you love them. There is no saturation point to an open heart, you are infinite in the ability to love and feel. and thereby hurt and be hurt.

[DayDreamer]

I make it a policy that if love is felt, love is shared. Always.

[Flar's Freyja]

When you really love some one, do you not tell them so that they
may go out and find the one of their dreams?

This is assuming that their are a couple hurdles that you cant
overcome and dont want to dump on the other.
And I mean really BIG HURDLES!! Also, you know what the other
wants(cause she told you) and you cant give those things!

You did a great job of hiding this from me, didn't you? I am totally confused as to what you thought I wanted and you coudn't give, other than moving so that I wouldn't have made a sport out of crashing into things? :mad::lol: But that last accident confirmed for me what someone pointed out - that I could be the one to go first. We never know.

I remember walking to my car in the hospital garage after meeting you for the first time and cursing the gods, asking them just what they were trying to pull. Um, "I could fall in love with this man in a heartbeat and he's going to die? What kind of crap is THIS given my history of bad relationships?"

Instead of posting my feeings here, I spoke to a co-worker who was battling with cancer. Her feelings were quite the opposite of yours. She did not want people to reject her based on the possibility that her illness would end her life sooner than expected. She read me the riot act and made it clear that it would be stupid to pass up what might be the greatest love of my life.

The hard part is not being able to savor every precious minute due to the sucky responsibilities of the real world. It truly is painful - to know that the reality is that I won't be able to keep you for long and that I don't have the luxury of just enjoying our time together. When that dreaded time comes, I know that I will at least be comforted by the fact that your body will be free of pain. We both dream of winning the lottery or having some sort of income come our way so that it could all go away.

Despite it all, I can't begin to list all of the blessings living with you have given me. I am learning things about myself and about life that I may never have learned. Including that life is like a roll of toilet paper - the less you have, the faster it goes........and how weak I am when I see how strong your spirit is and wonder how you live with what you have been given...........and I figure as long as we're not in a panic to clean up this mess, maybe we're okay......

Every breath you take, every word you speak, every time you smile, every time I see how you value integrity and doing the right thing even when you don't have the resources, I am grateful for what I have been given. I don't regret a single second. I know that this year is going to be better after we get through this current job hurdle.

Did I happen to mention how much I love you?

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby.

[Desert_Yaqui]

*sniff* *sniff*

You two truly serve as an inpsiration to all of us.

thank you. :hugz:

[Hoot]

May you both be blessed!

[flar7]

:huddle: :smooch: Happy Valentine Baby.

[Pesha]

When you love someone ......really love them then you are honest and open and all the hurdles in the world will be jumped together. No matter what the problems are love I really believe. hopeless romantic that I am that LOVE conqures all. PS. You flar and Freyja are so truely blessed in your love and it makes me smile to think of you both.

BB
DS.

[Flar's Freyja]

I came home to the most beautiful roses and card - and another mini-rosebush after I managed to kill the one he gave me for our anniversary :(

Happy Valentine's Day to you, too, Baby! :boquet:

And thanks to my beserk clients, I didn't even have time to get you a balloon today :(

[Gala]

ok... it's all been said. I think Ella said it best.

Love, love, hooray for love
Who was ever too blase for love
Make this the night for love
If we have to fight, let's fight for love

Some sigh and cry for love
Ah, but in Pa-ree they die for love
Some waste away for love
Just the same - hooray for love!

[Flar's Freyja]

Gala, did you write that? I like it1

I did buy him a big balloon :D

It just occurred to me that balloons have a big more significance for us, since they are filled with air - a major issue around here....

*goes off to bump up handfasting vows*

[DragonsChest]

So glad to read about true love! The best of everything to you both, Freyja and Flar.

[Gala]

Gala, did you write that? I like it1

I did buy him a big balloon :D

It just occurred to me that balloons have a big more significance for us, since they are filled with air - a major issue around here....

*goes off to bump up handfasting vows*

Oh heavens no. That is from an old song by Ella Fitzgerald. I don't know who wrote it tho.
I found a site with all kinds of lyrics.
sing365 (http://www.sing365.com/)
but beware they have a lot of pop ups...

[Kalika]

:hugz: to Flar7 and Freyja. You guys just reminded me of alot of things. :) This is very sweet.