What the other side does....

[MysticWitch]

For those out there that have split families.. what would you do if your ex spouse was initiating all the steps that should be left for the primary care giver to do such as certain milestones without your consent or care in the world?
:rolleyes:

[SilverAnnie]

i suffered through a very nasty divorce, but im not sure what you are asking. what is your ex doing?

[Gwenhwyfar]

I think both sides should suck it up for the sake of the child and do it together....buying your child his or her first bike...both of you take him or her to do the shopping for it. If you cant suck it up for the sake of the child, *shrug* who evers got the money and insentive to do it first gets to do it...I dont think there are any milestones that should be left for the primary care giver, both parents love the child equally right? They should both have the best interest of the child in mind...why does it matter that daddy taught me how to walk instead of mommy? Or Mommy took me for my first trip to the dentist and daddy wasnt there that day....whos to say really...

[MysticWitch]

i suffered through a very nasty divorce, but im not sure what you are asking. what is your ex doing?

Its not a personal question, I saw a show and was wondering everyone elses opinions. I agreed with the co-ordinator that 2 sets of rules is confusing. The ex shouldnt be starting anything that is not already happening at the primary residence as that is really confusing for the child.

That's MY personal opinion :lol:

[Lunacie]

I don't think it would confusing so much for the child as for the parent who has primary custody. When both parents are still together there are some things that happen as a family, but there are certainly many things that happen with only one parent or the other. Sometimes mom teaches the child to ride a bike, sometimes dad does. My daughter is divorced and has primary custody so she attends most of the school things, but dad takes the kids to see a movie about once a month on the weekend. Thankfully they are both able to work together enough to take the kids to the dentist together, but gramma (me) often has to take them to the doctor while both parents are working. It's certainly best if everyone can work together, but I know how much acrimony and anger can mess things up, and that's one of the reasons I stayed in a crummy marriage until our daughter was grown and on her own.

[MysticWitch]

aawwww :hugz:

[Catiana]

I think the best thing is to do as much as possible together, when that itsn't possible, then sometimes one or the other parent has to suck it up. For example my ex lives in another state. This past summer when my younger son was visiting his dad, his girlfriend broke up with him over the phone. I wasn't there to help him get through it, so his dad had to it and when he got home a week later, I then gave him my support.

[Broken Babydoll]

I guess I don't fully understand your question. What kind of "milestones" are we tlking about?

My husband is the primary caregiver of a 12 year old girl. He can't put her period on hold until she can be with her mom in the summer. For things like first learning to ride a bike, who cares who she's with when it happened. Same with the first trip to Disney. My step-daughter has different rules for each house. She's allowed to wear makeup with us because she's tactful with it. Her mom won't let her. She was allowed to shave her legs with us ever since 5th grade. Her mom wouldn't let her until she started her period, so in the summer she had to suffer with dark hairy legs and of course shaved them the night she got home from her summer visit with mom.

Sure it's confusing to a certain degree, but kids also have different rules at school than they have at home and a completely different idea of what is acceptable at a friends house and yet another concept of what is acceptable at the library.

As far as "milestones"... I don't think a kid should have to put their entire life on hold just because they are with one parent rather than the other when they finally decide to try something.

[soilsigh aingeal]

I think both sides should suck it up for the sake of the child and do it together....buying your child his or her first bike...both of you take him or her to do the shopping for it. If you cant suck it up for the sake of the child, *shrug* who evers got the money and insentive to do it first gets to do it...I dont think there are any milestones that should be left for the primary care giver, both parents love the child equally right? They should both have the best interest of the child in mind...why does it matter that daddy taught me how to walk instead of mommy? Or Mommy took me for my first trip to the dentist and daddy wasnt there that day....whos to say really...

Ditto. I want to take the kids to Disney world in a year or two, I'm hoping my ex and I can be decent enough with each other to travel there and do that with them together.

[Broken Babydoll]

When my husband first took his daughter to Disney the mom actually asked my husband to pay for *her* to take the daughter since she likes Disney more than he does. *rolls eyes* He was going with a group of friends, all girls who loved his daughter.

I believe that couples gets divorced (or seperated, if they were never legally joined) for a reason. There is no need to make both of them and the child suffer. Not only that but kids can sense tension, even if you're doing all you can to hide it. It's healthier for the kids to do things with each of their families seperately than to put the kid in the middle and make the child feel like because of them you have to suffer. I come from a divorced family and married into one. It was honestly easier on me to do some things with my mom and others with my dad. I was terribly unhappy when they were together for several reasons. I had to see the tension in them both and felt sorry for them and seeing them together made me with they were together. It's more confusing to have them together when they really aren't.

[cloudspanther]

Being divorced from my first with four child between us. I try to include my ex in as many things as I can. It is easier if you are living closer together than if you are in seperate states. I guess it was just easier with my ex cause he was military, he never cared about how many bdays he missed etc. Until he saw how my current husband enjoyed it with the kids I have with him. How he wouldnt miss being in the labor room or at the first doctors, the first birthday, the first step etc. Than my ex got a bit moody but , in a weird way he seemed to relive it with the kids I have with my current. He missed the little kids more than his kids when we moved out of state. He wanted to know about their first days at school etc. When he never worried about his. Kind of freaked me for awhile till I realized he was just doing a tranferance. Heck I prefer him being overly attentive to the other kids than his dads refusal to accept that a/ I am no longer married to his son b/ that my three youngest are NOT his biological grandchildren and do not have his last name.
LOL

lady bless,
clouds