Really Bad Jokes :D

[cydira]

Hey, I argue that we need some humor in the cheezy variety. :)

Joke # 1
Man walks into a bar.....

Ouch.


Joke # 2
How many yuppie's children does it take to change a tire?

Two, one to hold the drinks and the other to call Dad.


Joke # 3
How can you identify a yuppie at 50 paces?

By the cell phone glued to their ear, the boy band music blaring out of their mp3 player and the cheezy fake gunpoint wave.

And last but not least, Joke # 4
How many college instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, they hold up the light bulb and the world revolves around them.

[Niamh]

Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "hey, we don't serve your kind here." One of the strings says "What?"
"We don't serve strings, you'll have to leave"
So the strings walk outside, and one comes up with an idea, and asks for the other's help. The other string helps him out and a minute later he walks back into the bar alone.
"I told you, we don't serve your kind here," the bartender says.
"Excuse me?" says the string.
"I told you, we don't serve strings, and you're a string!"
says the bartender.
The string replies "Sorry, I"m a frayed knot."

[Dextra]

Okay, this is a REALLY bad joke that I made up this morning while cleaning (guess the Mr Clean fumes went to my head).

What would you get if Carmelo (who's Puerto Rican) and his friend Rick (who's Wiccan) had a baby?

This is so wrong :crazy: .....

A Puerto Wiccan!

Or to make it worse....

A Spiccan!

I know those are along the lines of racist, but around here, those are funny! 8O

[Niamh]

I LOVE it! It's beginning to freak me out that there's another redheaded pagan out there married to a Puerto Rican...

[Dextra]

Originally posted by Niamh
I LOVE it! It's beginning to freak me out that there's another redheaded pagan out there married to a Puerto Rican...

OOOOOHHHHH! That is too freaky! :eek:

[Wyrdsister]

What's red, orange, and lies in a ditch?
A Wounded Cheeeezay!

What's orange, rides a horse, and wears a mask?
The Loooooan Cheeeezay!


(yep, those are absolutely terrible! I tried to type the so-called punch lines the way my friend Ian says the jokes. :))

Wyrdsister

[Earth Walker]

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with
an elephant?
Elefino. :D:

Why do elephants paint their nails?
To hide in the Skittles bag.

How do you break a redneck's finger?
Punch him in the nose. ;) (did he pick a winner?)

What do rednecks do on Halloween?
They "pump-kin." :eek: :bigredgri

[Carmelo]

So I went to the car rental the other day and told them I needed a car. They tossed me the keys to a Prism and I took off. It had been overcast that day when I went to work. The sun burned through before I got off the clock, so when I went out to the car...I couldn't find it.

I trudged back to the car rental and told them what happened. They, immediately, tossed me the keys to a Shadow. I was off because I had to get home and shower to pick up my date. When I was ready, by nightfall, I went to get the car and couldn't see it. Boy, was I screwed!

Back to the car rental. They saw me coming and had a set of keys for a Mustang. Wow! Now I could get there faster. Well, my date lived on a horse ranch and when they stampeded, I ran to save the car...it was gone.

They were beginning to see more of me at the car rental than any store ever had. I told them my story and they just tossed me a set of keys to a Probe and told me what I could do with it!

[Earth Walker]

How do you catch a grizzly bear?

First, you dig a large hole.
Then, you sprinkle a few peas on the bottom,
and then cover them lightly with ashes.

So, when the bear comes to take a pea,
you kick him in the ashhole. :bigredgri ;p

[belladonna23]

What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
An udder drag!

[Dextra]

The seven deadly sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins.

Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, but there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one....

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Mary Ann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour.

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. YOu know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three deadly sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper, and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH, and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan prblem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did nothing during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once per episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double duty, covering the two remaining deadly sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TV's until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it. ;)

[Dextra]

Here are some deep thoughts to ponder and maybe make you smile. Enjoy!

*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

*I must always remember that I am unique, just like everybody else.

*Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

*Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face that it gets mad at you? But when you put it in a car, it sticks it's head out the window?

*If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FEDUP?

*Does fuzzy logic tickle? :D

*If they arrest the energizer bunny, would they charge it with battery?

*I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.

*I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

*How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

*Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

*If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

*Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

*Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

*Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

*Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

*How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

*Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

*Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

*Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

*I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!

*If God dropped acid, would he see people?

*If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

*Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?

*Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

*I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

*What hair color do they put on the license of a bald man?

*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

There's more, but I'm too lazy to type them all! :p

[rantnraven]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, Pal, why the long face"?


A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer".
Bartender replies, 'Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

What do you call a Gay bar that has no seats?
A fruit stand.


Ever wonder what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way?


Why is there a "Permenant Press" setting on an iron?


Changing a diaper is like getting a present from you're grandma - your not sure what's inside but, you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

That's all I have for now,
RnR

[Dextra]

*Why is the word abbreviation so long?

*Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

*One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

*I went to a bookstore and asked the sales clerk, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

*Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

*If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

*If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

*If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

*Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

[Earth Walker]

:D A policeman on patrol is walking by a bar, and he
sees a dog licking his pee-pee. The cop says; "Man, I
wish I could do that."
A bysitter yells out, "Go ahead, but watch he don't
bite you." 80

[rantnraven]

"don't you want to pet him first?"

[Earth Walker]

:D Waiter: What would you like to order for lunch?
Diner: I want a rubber band sandwich. And make
it snappy. :bigredgri

Did you hear about the constipated teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil. :eek:

[Earth Walker]

:D Waiter: Are you ready to order, sir?
Diner: Yes. I would like a peanut butter and
amatta sandwich.
Waiter: Peanut butter and amatta. What's amatta?
Diner: Nothing, but thank you for asking. ;)
:bigredgri

[gunner]

bad jokes?

"what's the difference between parsley and pussy?"

[belladonna23]

People don't eat parsley!! :D

[belladonna23]

A man walked into the confessional booth and confessed to the priest, "Father, I got laid ten times today!" The shocked priest exclaimed, "What kind of Catholic are you?"
"I'm not Catholic at all", replied the man, "but I had to tell somebody!"

[belladonna23]

A tour bus traveling through northern Nevada paused briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The tour guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
A male passenger replied: "Why?"

[rantnraven]

A man and his brother are sitting on a porch
The man says, "Billy, y'all remember that sales lady that dropped by last week"?

"Yup", the brother replies.

"You remember how she said we had to wear condoms so we didn't get her pregnant"?

"Yup".

"Well do you reckon we could take 'em off now"?

[gunner]

close enough belladonna, my answer would have been "nobody eats PARSLEY!"

bluecat, give the lady a lemonade on my tab

[belladonna23]

Originally posted by gunner
close enough belladonna, my answer would have been "nobody eats PARSLEY!"

bluecat, give the lady a lemonade on my tab

:D

[belladonna23]

A young man was studying to become a Catholic priest. At the last minute, he dropped out, converted to Judaism, and became a Rabbi. The priest who had been teaching him at seminary came to visit him and said, "My son, why on earth would you give up being a priest to become a Rabbi?"
The young Rabbi answered, "That's easy, Father. Pussy tastes better than pork."

[bluecat]

Originally posted by gunner
close enough belladonna, my answer would have been "nobody eats PARSLEY!"

bluecat, give the lady a lemonade on my tab

One Lemonade ... comin' up!

Blue

[gunner]

make that two bluecat, she topped my joke!!!

(i like her, she's got a rowdy sense of humor!)

[bluecat]

Originally posted by belladonna23
A young man was studying to become a Catholic priest. At the last minute, he dropped out, converted to Judaism, and became a Rabbi. The priest who had been teaching him at seminary came to visit him and said, "My son, why on earth would you give up being a priest to become a Rabbi?"
The young Rabbi answered, "That's easy, Father. Pussy tastes better than pork."

For that she gets a LIFETIME FREE TAB! :D :cool:

[bluecat]

Not a joke ... this really happened, but hey, it belongs here as well as with the "Bumper Stickers"



After having seen one-too-many of those bumper stickers that said, "In Case of Rapture No One Will Be In The Driver's Seat." I remarked to my passenger, "That's because rapture is usually found in the back seat." It was her car; and later that evening we did find rapture in the back seat.

She removed the bumper sticker a few days later.

Life is good! :cool:

BlueCat

[belladonna23]

Originally posted by bluecat


For that she gets a LIFETIME FREE TAB! :D :cool:

Well, let me get my "Sleeping Bag" ;) (get it?) and I'll join you on the porch!!

[belladonna23]

Ooops!! Well, that sounds like I just propositioned you... hee hee! :D

[bluecat]

Originally posted by belladonna23
Ooops!! Well, that sounds like I just propositioned you... hee hee! :D

:D Well ... sounds like a plan, there are too many people on the front porch, but I do see a nice grove over there. :D Hehehehehehehehehe

The folks who don't know about "Sleeping Bag" will just have to suffer with their own imagination! :D

[bluecat]

Originally posted by Dextra
I really wish I had this one before I lost my job....

But screw 'em! I never liked those guys anyway! :bigredgri :p

Can't get the attachment to D/L :(

[Dextra]

I know, blue, I screwed it up. Try this one! :D

[belladonna23]

Originally posted by gunner
make that two bluecat, she topped my joke!!!

(i like her, she's got a rowdy sense of humor!)

Not too shabby yourself there, Gunner!! :D

[belladonna23]

That was cool, thanks!! (I, too, am out of work, but I never liked the bastards much, either!!)

[bluecat]

Originally posted by Dextra
I know, blue, I screwed it up. Try this one! :D

Thanks, hon

that was funny ... I am weirdly out of work ... heh ... on disability ...

Blue

[Acie]

Stop it with all of these terrible jokes, have ya'll no shame? :p And "rantnraven", watch it with those gay jokes! :mad: Just kidding, I took no offense by it. And away we go..........

[rantnraven]

I have a few friends that are gay - they tell them to me. They're quite the riot.

My borther-in-law is Polish. Should I go there?

RnR

[rantnraven]

A Polish Pilot an Co-Pilot are flying along when the see they are low on fuel and approaching a terrible storm.

The Co-Pilot asks, "What do we do???"

The Pilot, being well trained and having many hours of flight replies, "Let's just do a 360 and get the heck outta here."

-----------

No offence to any heritage. I am Irish/English so feel free to fire away.

RnR

[Earth Walker]

During a desert survival contest, there were 3
contestants, an American, a Canadian, and a Pole.
The American walks up with jugs of water draped on
himself. The judges asked him why, and he said to
prevent thirst and dehydration.
The Canadian walks up with several loaves, and told
the judges it was to prevent hunger.
The Pole walks up with a car door. The judges asked
him why, and he said that when it got too hot he
would roll down the window. ;) :D

[rantnraven]

An Irishman wanted to see the SUmmer Olympics but couldn't aford a ticket.

He grabs a bale of Chicken Wire and gets in line with the other athletes.

When the official asked of his name and sport he said, McGreggor - Fencing.

[Earth Walker]

A Texan, on his first visit to Alaska, was in a bar
doing the usual bragging about Texas.
"Look here, Tex," said the locals, "this is Alaska, and
to prove that you're a Real Man, there are three
reqirements. First, you have to drink a gallon of 'shine
and not pass out, which Tex does.
Second, you have to kill a Grizzly Bear with your bare
hands, and third, you have to rape an Eskimo woman.
Tex returns a few hours later, bloody & scratched, with
his clothes in tatters.
"When do I kill the woman?," he asks. :eek: ;)

[rantnraven]

Took a while to sink in. I must have read this three times but, I get it now.

You may have just won the prize for the BEST really bad joke.

LOL

RnR

[belladonna23]

A bunch of nuns were waiting in line outside of the pearly gates, waiting to see if they will be admitted into heaven.
St. Peter walked up to the first nun, and asks her, "What's your name?"
"Sister Elizabeth", she replied.
"Sister Elizabeth, have you ever touched a penis?", St. Peter asked.
"Well, once, when I was in pre-school, I touched a boy's penis with my hand."
St Peter answered, "Well, say 10 hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water, and you will be absolved."
The next nun in line walked up, and St. Peter asked her name.
"Sister Catherine," she replied.
"Sister Catherine, have you ever touched a penis?", asked St. Peter.
"Well, once I fondled my high-school boyfriend with both hands," replied Sister Catherine.
"Say 20 hail Marys and dip both hands in the holy water, and you will be absolved."
A big ruckus broke out near the end of the line, and one nun pushed her way to the front of the line, knocking the other nuns down in her haste. St. Peter grabbed her arm. "What is your name sister?", he asked.
"Sister Mary Margaret," she replied.
"Sister Mary Margaret, what is your problem?", St Peter asked.
Sister Mary Margaret replied, "St. Peter, if I'm going to have to gargle with that shit, I'm gonna do it before Sister Agnes sticks her ass in it!!"

[bluecat]

Originally posted by rantnraven
Took a while to sink in. I must have read this three times but, I get it now.

You may have just won the prize for the BEST really bad joke.

LOL

RnR

Took you 3 times? Heh, it was hilarious. (Just hadda pull yer chain, dude!)

[Carmelo]

Remember that there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, and not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[rantnraven]

Originally posted by bluecat


Took you 3 times? Heh, it was hilarious. (Just hadda pull yer chain, dude!)

Actually about four or five. Was about to reply with "HUH?" when it HIT.

Get her a glass of ICE COLD...
...you know what. And put it on Gunners tab.

HEHE.

RnR

This is insane!!!!

[Ozymandias]

A young catholic preist was giving his first sermon that morning and was really nervous. So the old accomplished preist offered him a shot of whiskey for his nerves. So he had one then another then another and so on....
After the sermon the young preist asked the old father, " How'd I do?"
"Well", he said," fine with a few errors-

-first off there are 10 commandments not 12

-there are 12 appostles not 10

-the virgin mary is not reffered to as 'Mary with the cherry'

-Mary Magdelene isn't 'the ugly, clingy bitch'

-and the Holy Trinity(the father, the son, and the holy ghost) are not reffered to as BIG DADDY, JUNIOR, and SPOOK.

[bluecat]

More You Know You're a Redneck Jedi When . . .


You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance
spitting.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot
while vacationing on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on the moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the
dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI.

You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your
accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with
your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You've gone AT-AT tipping.

Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.

You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who
also happens to be your brother.

[Carmelo]

There were twelve monks at the monastery about to finally be initiated in to the order. The head monk told the twelve that they had to disrobe and tie bells around the heads of their penises. The test would begin as soon as they were all ready.

The head monk called out for the harlot who had been hired for this occasion and asked her to perform a naked dance in front of each of the monks-to-be. The idea was that if any of the bells rang, they would be ejected from the monastery in a timely fashion.

So, the harlot went to dancing for a few minutes in front of each of them, getting raunchier each time. None of the bells were going off.

When she got to the twelfth monk, the string became untied and it hit the ground. When he bent over to pick it up...

Eleven bells went a-ringing!

[Carmelo]

There were twelve monks at the monastery about to finally be initiated in to the order. The head monk told the twelve that they had to disrobe and tie bells around the heads of their penises. The test would begin as soon as they were all ready.

The head monk called out for the harlot who had been hired for this occasion and asked her to perform a naked dance in front of each of the monks-to-be. The idea was that if any of the bells rang, they would be ejected from the monastery in a timely fashion.

So, the harlot went to dancing for a few minutes in front of each of them, getting raunchier each time. None of the bells were going off.

When she got to the twelfth monk, the string became untied and it hit the ground. When he bent over to pick it up...

Eleven bells went a-ringing!

[Earth Walker]

How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her flannel gown.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down
the street?
One was assaulted(a salted). :o

My living bra tried to commit suicide.
It claimed it was leading an empty life. :p

A word that sounds dirty but isn't.
Uranus.

The Important Questions
1. Who am I?
2. Why am I here?
3. What is my destiny?
4. WHERE ARE THE COOKIES?

Why did cavemen drag women by the hair?
So that they wouldn't up with gravel.

:D

[bluecat]

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about
a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is
semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been
around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with
something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were
taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the
quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going
into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so
confident going into the final that the weekend before finals
week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends
up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday
and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk
after the final and explained to him why they missed the
final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study,
but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late
getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could
make up the final on the following day. The two guys were
elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they
studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk
had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something
simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5
points. "Cool," they thought,"this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...


WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

[Earth Walker]

How does a woman hold her liquor?

By his ears. ;) 8O

[gunner]

naughty mystique!

(leggo my ears, i know what i'm doing!)

[rantnraven]

I don't get it???

(grins)

RnR

[Earth Walker]

:D I'm off to bed. TACO TIME! :bigredgri 8O

[bluecat]

Originally posted by Mystique
:D I'm off to bed. TACO TIME! :bigredgri 8O

I KNOW TACOS!

[Tanna]

Originally posted by rantnraven
I don't get it???

(grins)

RnR

liquor=licker :D :o 8O

[Yvonne Belisle]

Princess And Her Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she
sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said, "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell
upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in
a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and
thought:

"I don't freakin' think so!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And for all the guys out there that might not like the joke I post later I give you this one.



Men Get Even

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up as it sometimes does.

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife
explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive
outfits. She can't decide.He tells his wife to take all three of
them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes
worth $200 each.

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of
diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she
doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The
husband says "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then
let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I'm ready to
go, let's go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying
all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "Honey - I just
want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode
as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs
as a Man."

[Yvonne Belisle]

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"



------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mariposa De La Luna]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!! Pussy willows!!!HAHAHA!!!!!
Blanks!!!!HAHAHA!!!!!!

[Mariposa De La Luna]

> Cleaning Out The Attic
> ======================
>
> A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the
bartender
> comes over, and asks for their order.
>
> The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer
and says
> "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out
> exact change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll
have
> a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man
reaches
> into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The
usual?"
> asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll
> have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
>
> "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change
> out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
>
> The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How
> do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every
> time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My
> first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
> just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always
be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as
> you live!
>
> "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money
> is always there," says the man.
>
> The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[gunner]

yvonne, sahm,
this is supposed to be "really bad jokes" those were really good!
"gunner"
(still laughin' his silly arse orf)

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Sorry Gunner, it won't happen again! ;)
You can spank me later for it!

[rantnraven]

Did someone say "spanking" ;-)

RnR

[Mariposa De La Luna]

A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "what does he look like?".

See I know what a bad joke is. Its really here so you'll stop laughing from the good ones.

[Earth Walker]

Originally posted by rantnraven
Did someone say "spanking" ;-)

RnR

Spanking? :D Your friendly neighborhood Domanatrix
here. :p :bigredgri

[Earth Walker]

What does a woman and a skillet have in common?
You have to heat them up before you put in the meat.
;) 8O

[gunner]

i've never been to successful at spanking grown up ladies, i get distracted and forget what it was i originally intended to do.

[gunner]

yvonne, told your frog joke to the resident princess and she's still giggling

[Ozymandias]

I like spanking.

[rantnraven]

A friend of mine, who happens to be Christian, sent this to me. I found it pretty funny and wanted to share it. He knows I am Pagan and does his best to "Save" my sould so, here it is.

__________

Jesus and Satan were having an on going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a
test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the
better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across
the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and
screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[bluecat]

Originally posted by rantnraven
A friend of mine, who happens to be Christian, sent this to me. I found it pretty funny and wanted to share it. He knows I am Pagan and does his best to "Save" my sould so, here it is.

__________

Jesus and Satan were having an on going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a
test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the
better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across
the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and
screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."




Sounds like Jesus had a little inside help with the thunderstorm, was it time to perhaps thank daddy-kins?

Also, I thought Jesus saved with Green Stamps?

Besides can Satan help it if they made him use a COMPAQ?

You have heard of the Anti-Christ? I am the Anti-COMPAQ!

Oh, well, Lemonade for everyone!

Blue

[bluecat]

"Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his
orderly, March 2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant."

- grave inscription of British soldier, in northwest
frontier of modern-day Pakistan



"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This
monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory
and a specimen of his work.

Monuments of this same style are two hundred amd fifty dollars."

- epitaph composed by a marble cutter



Blue

[rantnraven]

Get me started on Epitaphs:

Epitaph in Chattanooga, Tenn.:
I came into this world without my consent
And left it in the same manner.


On a hanged sheep-stealer from Bletchley, Bucks, England:
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by wool and died by hemp.


Death Valley, CA :
Here lies the body of Mannie,
They put him here to stay.
He live the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.


Enjoy,
RnR

[bluecat]

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could
never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the
second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

[cydira]

And I got all of these from blondes! :)

The Train

A brunette was walking along a train track, saying "42" with each step.
As she passed by a blonde, who was rather bored, the blonde decided
to follow her. So, the pair of them were walking along for a while at a
nice, leasurely pace. Then, the blonde hears a train whistle in the
distance. She looks at the brunette, who is still calmly walking, and
sighs.

"Well, I guess if she's not worried..." the blonde says and resumes
following the brunette. The whistle sounds again, this time closer. The
blonde looks at the brunette, and shrugs. Pretty soon, they can see the
train and it is whistling again. Right before the train reaches them, the
brunette hops off of the track. The train hits the blonde and she goes
flying. After the train passes, the brunette gets back up on to the
train track and starts walking again. This time she says, "43"

:)

Another Blonde Joke :D

What do you call a row of blondes in a hall?
A wind tunnel

What is it called when one blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
Data Transfer

What did the second blonde say to the first after that?
Thanks for the refill.

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

How do you kill a blonde?
1. Put a scratch and sniff sticker on a bottom of a pool and tell her to go sniff it.
-or-
2. Put spikes in her shoulder pads. :D

[cydira]

The Fire

A brunette and 40 blondes were trapped on the top of a 10 story building
in the middle of a raging inferno. The piolt and camera man for the local
news station decide to be heros and rescue them. They fly over the
building and drop a rope down. All of the stranded people grab hold of the
rope and the helecoptor moves away from the burning building.

Soon, the piolt tells the camera man, "I can't fly, we need to get rid of some
of the weight." So, the camera man throws all of their gear out of the hele-
coptor, but still they weigh too much. Finally, the camera man leans out and
shouts down to the people hanging on the rope, "Look, someone has to let
go, we can't carry all of you."

The blondes and the brunette look at each other horrified. The brunette
sighs and says, "I'll do it." She gives a touching, tearful speech about her
life and how much she enjoyed it. At the end, the blondes clapped.

:D

[Dria El]

Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of, to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

:eek:

[Lavender]

What do you call a man with no legs, hanging on the wall? - "Art"

What do you call a man with no legs sitting in a hole? - "Phil"

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs, sitting in the ocean? - "Boyd"

Sorry...

[Tanna]

no, no, no... you call him "bob!":D

[Lavender]

Originally posted by Tanna
no, no, no... you call him "bob!":D

Oops! Sorry... :)

Here's some more...

Why do ducks have web feet? - To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? - To stamp out flaming ducks.

What's that brown stuff between the elephant's toes? - Slow running natives.