Do men ever want tradional families anymore?

[SnowyMoon]

I am just curious, and I would love to hear from others what their opinions are. It just seems to me that men don't want traditional families anymore where the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker/mother. At least, my DH does not. :( Does this even exist anymore?

I resent the fact I have to devote so much of my time making money and being at a job surrounded by people who could care less if I died tomorrow. I would much rather devote my life to my family and children, but it seems my DH likes my paycheck the way it is and wants no more children ever. It is also overwhelming to work all day and still be the one doing 99.9% of al the parenting and household stuff. I don't mind being the only one doing the housework and parenting, but it leaves little time for me when carrying a job as well.:aburst:Is this just the way it is? Do both parents really have to work, or is that a choice we are all making? Is it possible to have a "traditional" family at all anymore?

I was not sure if this should have been in the helping hands or hugs or here. This has been feeding a deep depression in me recently, but I really want to hear other's views on the subject. I guess I am looking to discover if it is just that I have a bad attitude or if I really have a problem here. I really want to have more kids and just be a homemaker and a mother. I am willing to sacrifice to have that life, but my DH is not. My DH wants it different. :(

:foh: <~~~ Very confused Snowy.

[VelvetBlade]

This is a wonderful question. I've worked outside the home for the last 10+ years. I stayed at home with my older children when they were little, but once they started school, I worked again. When my youngest was born, I stayed home for 2 weeks and then returned to work. Luckily, I was able to bring him with me. He's now 10 and I would love nothing more than to stay home. But unfortunately, I can't. Financially it's just not feasible. And it's not a matter of being able to have the "extras", it's a matter of being able to pay the bills, and my job provides the families health insurance. Hopefully there will be a point in time in the near future when that won't be the case, but until then...necessity rules. And I know my S/O would love for me to be able to stay home.

Good luck!

~VB

[Astara Seague]

Your DH sounds like my first husband it was all about the mighty dollar for him only I was expected to be both work and Housewife/Mother, we had three children together and I worked almost to the day they were born and was back within a month after,
some people are just like that, have you told him how you are feeling if you are keeping it inside you are just building up a fierce resentment that may overtake you some day and kill any love you have left for him.. if he loves you he may work something out with you like part time work or something a compromise of sorts.. but if you truely need the money you dont have much choice some times it takes two incomes to live.
regardless healing energy sent to your heart!:)

[Dixie's_Fire]

some men want that but to be honest unless your hubby has A LOT of money then it's not feasible. My husband made barely a couple of dollars over minimum wage and wanted me to stay at home, I did and took care of our daughter but it made our quality of life really not good and it pretty much was in general distructive of our relationship and marriage, and the moment you start having financial problems it becomes "all your fault" because you "aren't working" When I went back to work it was too late our bills had already piled up we ended up losing our house and our relationship was in shreds... In my personal experience, sure it was great getting that time with my daughter but it ruined everything else in the process.
Just my two cent

[silentillusions]

woo! Something I can actually give insight into!

Okay, I'm not married and I probably won't be for a very long time because I still have a ton of schooling left, but lucky for you, I study marriages for a future career. I just recently took a course entitled Marriage & Family Relations and we talked about this exact issue.

Now, unfortunately, while many men would like their wives to stay at home and raise the children, in today's society, unless the husband makes a lot of money, it's not possible. It may not be that he doesn't *want* you to stay home, it may be that he's afraid without your paycheck that you wouldn't survive as a family and he would feel inadequate as the *breadwinner*. His feelings of inadequacy and the financial strain could severely effect your relationship negatively, and we certainly don't want that.

My suggestion is to talk with your DH about this. Tell him why you would love to stay home and then work out a mock budget to see if it's possible. If it's possible then great! But if not, try not to be too upset because there are other ways for you to be in your childrens' lives. :)

Blessed be!

[SnowyMoon]

He knows how I feel. He feels the way he feels, and I feel the way I feel. He has a very good job and all the health insurance we need. I have a decent job, but I don't really like it; I can't just get a different job because I really don't think I can do better than the situation I am in. The problem is that he is not willing to make the cuts we would need. He just states we would have to step back out lifestyle, and if he has to do that he will do it alone. :( He told me he won't go without satellite TV, the DSL, the new car, etc. He wants things the way they are. I don't. I am willing to go without a few "extras and live leaner.

I do think we would have to sell our house and move into a less expensive place, again it is all possible on his income. He just does not want to do it. He won't budge.

He is a very good man, really. I can't complain otherwise. He does not go out to the bar, he does not drink--he has a lot of good qualities. I do worry that this is affecting my feelings. I love him, I always will. However, am I stuck in this situation forever with no hope of any change? And is that right? Is this something I am just going to have to live with because we all have to live with it? Gosh, I don't see that I could ever be happy if things carry on the way they are. I feel I would be lying about who I am in my very soul. I am not materialistic. I do enjoy things, don't get me wrong, but not at this expense. I cry nearly daily over this anymore. :( It is not a new thing, but it is suddenly worse. I used to cry on the way to work after dropping my DD off at daycare. I felt so guilty and I missed her so much. :(

[CoolJ]

I don't know about other men, but I am big on good old family

[SnowyMoon]

Silent, thank you for replying. If it turns out we have to do things the way we do, how do I learn to live with it when it is making me so miserable? :( I feel...despair. :( I thought of going to school, but it would be sooooo hard on me right now in so many ways. And in the end, I would have another job--not the one I want right here in my family, and I feel I will still be unsatisfied.

So, does this mean women are supposed to hunt men for money if they want to be full-time mothers? Grrrrr. :bastard: I could never do that. What an odd predicament women are in these days. We don't have a chioce to focus on our children anymore? :( Sad.

[Winter_wolf]

The roles use to be reversed in my house sorta anyway. I use to work fulltime usually 60+hours a week. My then fiancee now hubby use to consult so he wouldn't work for weeks at a time then for a few days here and there... I had to put my daughter in daycare and I ended up having to hire someone to clean my house because I just didn't have time with the job being so demanding. It was a mess and my priorities became so skewed with the job that I even missed my daughters 3rd birthday party because I had work issues to take care of. I started to resent my hubby to the point where it nearly ruined our relationship. Money wasn't an issue it was the fact I had no time with my child and was still responsible for the other household duties a woman is traditionally suppose to take care of. We were fighting a lot and it got to the point where I told him to leave... I already had the kid in daycare and was transporting her to and from and he wasn't really doing much quite honestly, figured that I didn't need him because I was in essence doing everything anyway. It was a very dark period in our relationship and we almost didn't make it.

Then my company went bankrupt and my father died all with in the same month. I couldn't spend much time with my father due to the job and deeply regretted that. I was fighting with my hubby all the time. I just decided enough is a enough and opted to resign and collect unemployment. Took my daughter out of daycare, got rid of the cleaning lady and stayed home. This was a major turning point and caused my hubby to get off his butt and get a real job. We had some money situations at first but both of us agreed that my staying home almost balanced out our money situation because I wasn't paying out for daycare and cleaning. We had to make some sacrifices but we made it and are pretty happily married at this point. My husband said that after I didn't have the responsibilities I did with work, kid and house that I was a much easier person to get along with :p I'm a lot happier with my choice as a whole as well. A career is nice but I had other priorities like my daughter... I wasn't up for the balancing game anymore. She is way more important.

[SnowyMoon]

If I just quit, he will leave me. I know he will. I don't have any family I can turn to, and I don't make enough to make it on my own. This is the reason I feel trapped. :(

[farm girl]

There are men who want that, and NO, they don't have to make a lot of money. :rolleyes: The world is so material anymore.

I am a stay at home mother to 5 children. I occasionally work from home, but my main focus is being a mother. My husband is the breadwinner. He isn't rich. He does have a college degree and has a successful career in computers, but again, we aren't rich. We would be considered upper-middle class. However, I have plenty of stay at home mom friends who survive on much less. It all comes down to living within your means. No debt. No credit cards. No high car payments. It can be done. We lived on one nice car, while we saved to pay for our minivan in cash. Our mortgage is our only debt. We don't eat out all the time and we take advantage of clipping coupons and other money saving tasks. There is alot one can do to cut corners.

Most (not all) families can have one parent at home if they are willing to make the sacrifices and want it bad enough. For the families that really need the extra money, work at home mom businesses have come a long way! I support work at home mom businesses constantly. Their products are usually quality and I know these moms do what they do, in order to stay with their children. That's a value that I can appreciate.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

My husband and I chose not to have children since we both love our careers and put so much time into them, however the friends I have who do have kids either have one parent making damned good money, or both parents are working. In our area of the country, one paycheck just won't cut it anymore. Even for DINKS like my husband and I, to have the lifestyle we want and enjoy, it takes a lot of work.

Your husband wants a fancier lifestyle than you do. There's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Unfortunately, the two views don't mix very well.

Is there a way you could start some home-based business. Mary Kay, Avon, taking in ironing, something like that? That seems like the best way to compromise. Or can you cut down to part time and budget better to still afford the things your husband wants, but to give you extra time at home? It seems there should be some way to make this work if both of you love each other.

Although I have to say, his reluctance to work with you on this and find some compromise is the most disturbing thing to me about this situation.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Amethyst Rose]

My husband and I have a "traditional" family. It was agreed upon before we got married that I'd be staying home with the kids, while he worked, at least until the kids go to school and I don't need to be home when they're not. This is one of those things that really should be discussed before you get married, let alone before you have kids. I'm sorry you're having such a problem with it. *hugs*

Edit: I also believe that too many people are living outside their means, and although people think they need a double income to survive, a lot of the time they don't....but they do need the double income to support their lifestyle.

[Rin Daemoko]

Oh, the idea of a Traditional Family is so very unappealing to me. Because it's been attempted for so long over the centuries, it leaves me with this idea that it's not genuine. That it's hollow, empty, and nothing more than a reproduction of everything that has ever come before. While I'm sure not everyone sees it that way, this is how I feel about it, personally.

I would rather have something genuine. I don't care if it's traditional, unorthodox, or even solitary. As long as I'm not just going through the motions, or playing "monkey see, monkey do," then I can be happy and secure in what I'm doing.

[farm girl]

Oh, the idea of a Traditional Family is so very unappealing to me. Because it's been attempted for so long over the centuries, it leaves me with this idea that it's not genuine. That it's hollow, empty, and nothing more than a reproduction of everything that has ever come before. While I'm sure not everyone sees it that way, this is how I feel about it, personally.

I would rather have something genuine. I don't care if it's traditional, unorthodox, or even solitary. As long as I'm not just going through the motions, or playing "monkey see, monkey do," then I can be happy and secure in what I'm doing.

Much of the US is either divorced or have a two income household. So.. it's not monkey see, monkey do. I belong to a group of educated stay at home moms who choose this life because they are mature, experienced, and know this is what they want out of life. Couldn't be more genuine. They sacrifice a lot in this selfish world in order to stay home. Much respect for them all. In my experience, I got the degree and I got to be a mommy. The mommy thing was far more genuine and rewarding.

[Rin Daemoko]

Much of the US is either divorced or have a two income household. So.. it's not monkey see, monkey do. I belong to a group of educated stay at home moms who choose this life because they are mature, experienced, and know this is what they want out of life. Couldn't be more genuine. They sacrifice a lot in this selfish world in order to stay home. Much respect for them all. In my experience, I got the degree and I got to be a mommy. The mommy thing was far more genuine and rewarding.
I suppose it's more of a "monkey see, monkey do" in regards to the ideal images of the family that has been sold to us over the years. Everything from books, to television, to cards from the drug store. We seem to be bombarded with images and ideas of what a family "should be," which does not reflect the reality we find ourselves in.

[SnowyMoon]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.

I think I have a lot going on right now. My DH and I spoke about this, and he did offer to move somewhere less expensive. Then I was surprised at my instant reaction. :foh: ...... :ugh:......:sadeyes: That is not the answer. This home was his dream, and I could never live with myself feeling I was responsible for him losing his dream either. There has to be a middle ground. He stated he really does wish I did not have to work, but he does not see how we can get around it. We have very little debt from our early years (no famliy that can help meant not much help when we first got going or when DD arrived), but there is a tiny amount. If we did not have all that, the car, the cell phones, the TV, etc. Being bored with my job is also part of the issue. I have plans and ideas for schooling, but I am scared of it a little. I am afraid I will come out the other end owing tons in student loans and still being miserable.

My DD is my only child, and she is nearly 14 now, and I am feeling panic as she growing into a young adult. I think that is also part of my desire for more children. I want more family. :huddle:

[DreamSpell333]

My husband has tried for me to be home with my daughter as much as possible. When i first found out that i was pregnant with her,i was working..then after i had her he had me stay home. there were times when we had it tight,so i got a job.the last time, he had me stay home,because of babysitting issues with a friend,and we didnt have family that could watch her.Now were living with his mom,so im able to stay home.They both work,and i stay home with hannah and keep everything clean.. Now that im expecting again, im already contemplating to stay home or not... daycare wise it would be more expensive,but to keep our current apartment, if him mom moved,then i may have to work eventually,no matter what...unless cercumstances change by then...

My father, never made my mom work. He found a way to pay all the bills. He told her,if he couldnt support her,then she didnt deserve him..:) he's done drywall and painting for over 40 years and has always gotten by...he'll be 70 in march and is still working :) When things have gotten rough with us,i always think of how dad never gave up. :)

[farm girl]

Snowy,

I would definitely look into work at home opportunity and businesses. Try it part time, with your job and if it takes off, then you can quit. There are all kinds of opportunities and it may take time... but even if it takes a year, its a good goal to work toward. In the mean time, I would work on getting that debt down and seeing which corners can be cut without making your dh uncomfortable. It's a lot of work, but I am sure you can find more breathing room financially.

Rin,

It is my reality. I have lived it everyday for the past nine years. :) Couldn't be happier.

[Ninjakitten]

And my bf wonders why I'm not wanting us to have kids. I don't want to have kids if I HAVE to work in order for us to be supported, I don't want to have to deal with pregnancy, and I don't want to have to be supermom trying to juggle the career I'm going to school for (working as a zoo curator leaves no stay at home options) and raising a family. Tell the truth, though, with how good of a father I know he would be (I've seen him with kids, and if anyone can get me to want to have kids it's him), my biggest problem is the idea of being pregnant... at least if he's not going to worship me as a goddess for doing what I think is the hard part. If he worships me as a goddess, then it might be good enough payment for the pain and suffering :lol: Too bad he's "too" Christian to think of the concept of a Goddess like I do (as a Christian)

[MysticWitch]

Yes there are men who like a traditional family.
Sometimes its hard on one pay check.
I wonder sometimes how a woman with more than one child stays home all day and does it all!
Sometimes going to work is a break :lol: from the home life.
Full time moms don't get to sleep in or take very little naps.
They cook and clean and do laundry and shop for food and run other errands and make sure the bills get paid and keep the house in good order and do home work with the kids and bathe them all and find time to bathe them selves and do dishes and mop floors and vacume and scrub toilets and fold laundry and put it away and in the mean time, set the table, let the hubby watch his programs ( never getting to watch any tv your self, between the hubbies shows and the cartoons )
Sweeping up, bending 100 times a day picking up after people, fixing something if its not done right and then at the end of the day.. give the hubby.. da.da..da... SEX :rollingla

[DragonsChest]

Sounds like if your hubby wants the "good" life, then he should do his part to take care of the house and child after he gets off work - like he is expecting you to do. It's a partnership, you are not his servant. If you are doing more than your share of keeping the domestic side going, then he is a slacker. Get him to do his share, not to "help you out", but HIS SHARE, and things will at least have a chance of getting better.

And if you move to a smaller house because he says it's to make you happy, then he will resent you and your marriage will be in grave danger. He would be setting you two up for failure.

I so agree with Yasmine and her post. Good luck, and hugs.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Sounds like if your hubby wants the "good" life, then he should do his part to take care of the house and child after he gets off work - like he is expecting you to do. It's a partnership, you are not his servant. If you are doing more than your share of keeping the domestic side going, then he is a slacker. Get him to do his share, not to "help you out", but HIS SHARE, and things will at least have a chance of getting better.

And if you move to a smaller house because he says it's to make you happy, then he will resent you and your marriage will be in grave danger. He would be setting you two up for failure.

I so agree with Yasmine and her post. Good luck, and hugs.

You made a point I forgot to add and remembered later. If your husband wants you to work, then you should SHARE the household and childrearing tasks. Period. Hell, even without kids, my husband and I share chores. I cook, he cleans the kitchen. We share doing laundry. He sweeps because of my allergies. I do my best to hire somebody to do the bath and floors every now and then. We end up spending half of Saturdays doing errands--grocery shopping, etc.. Even there--he brings it in from the car, I put the food away.

Maybe if your husband takes over half the chores, you won't feel so frazzled and be able to focus more on what you want out of your life. There might be a career you'd enjoy--or maybe you could study for a license to open a daycare or something from your home.

Yasmine :colorful:

[~Elise~]

okay--who decides what is traditional anyway? And why are we buying into it?
If you take a look at it from the viewpoint that traditional is what everyone else is doing...honey, tradition is two parents working. THAT is the way it is now for the past couple of generations.

Tradition is what YOU make, not someone else, IMO.

June Cleaver doesn't exist and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be her. I enjoy working. I love the sense of accomplishment it gives me. I didn't like it when I stayed home while the kids were small--except for being with them. Other than that--was bored senseless.

JMO and I know My Mileage Varies.

Elise

[WokeUpDead]

I wouldn't want to live in the 1950's or anything that resembles it so I guess that would count me out.

[beachj]

Hey There,
I grew up in a traditional family. Dad worked, while mom stayed at home with us four kids (I'm the oldest). Eventually, when the youngest was in school all day, my mom got a part-time job at the local libary just for more of a hobby. Later on my dad got laid off and has been job bounceing here and there for the past few years where my parents wouldn't be able to make it without my mom's job. Luckily only my brother still lives at home. But growing up in a traditional family with a working dad and stay at home mom, haveing together dinner every evening resulted in my sisters, brother and I becomming close and our family is careing and loveing. We were all taught good moral and ethical values. We all stayed out of trouble.
So Yes, I as a man, do belive and want a traditional family. I do believe that it is still possbile, maybe not for everyone however though.

[Findarto]

I don't like the idea of 'traditional' family.

If I decide to get married and have kids, I expect the other person to work too. And when I make enough or more than enough income for us to live comfortably, or lavishly I still expect them to work. At the end of the day I also expect for us to split the house-hold responsibilities and parenting 50/50...

[cowdragon]

I make crap for money. But my wife and I decided when our daughter was born that she would stay at home and raise her. We now have a son also, and one more child on the way! We are very happy. Some of the merits of this are...
1) We pay nothing for babysitters/daycare(which would have eaten up a second paycheck anyway)
2) The kids have much more stability at home than with strangers
3) If she gets sick, I can help take care of the kids and we only have to worry about one person calling in
4) If I get sick, I don't have any problems with my job giving me time off, and at least my benefits are great.
5) We are happier this way
6) Lower taxes!!!:fprtyman3

Some of the drawbacks are...
1) I work two jobs(one is only part time though)
2) I don't see the kids as much as I want
3) She works harder at home than she would at a job, so she's tired alot

Anyway, the answer is "yes" there are men that do like the traditional family setup. We used to run a daycare from our home. It was very sad to see kids bond closer with us than with their own parents. It's also very expensive. Most families that came to us spent almost one spouses entire paycheck between us and other babysitters. The kids tended to get hardly any attention from their folks too because they were tired from working all day.



The Cowdragon _wiz_

[LostSheep]

I wouldn't want to live in the 1950's or anything that resembles it so I guess that would count me out.
I agree i wouldn't want Senator McCarthy back, but the cars were pretty cool.
Sorry, off topic ... I have to admit, sometimes I quite like the idea of having a nice cozy traditional family ... I haven't really had one, not that I can remember, that's probably why, so I'd like to give my kids some kind of stability I guess. It doesn't have to be traditional gender stereotyping, just some stability, really.

Just as long as no one expects me to celebrate Christmas. It'll be Yule in my family. Halloween, fine, just as long as they call it Samhain. A nice traditional pagan family .... ?

[Philosophia]

Some men want traditional, some don't
Some women want traditional, some don't
Everybody's different...
I grew up in a "traditional" family and I know other traditional families as well. IMHO, they are all different. Some had children who did get into trouble, some didn't, some children are in jail while others are in high paying jobs. My family aren't that close. I have an older brother who refuses to talk to us, or even visit my parents when he's in town. My younger brother is better though he also loses his temper frequently. I also know single parent families who are "better" (in regards to relationships) than "traditional" parenting systems. I know two incomed parents who are also better than "traditional" families. One my good friends was a SAHM, and hated it. Another loved the feeling of being at home with the children.
My point is; every family is different and nobody can label one group better than the other.

[Mistress Raven]

I guess I must be one of the lucky ones I have that. I found a man that will work while i raise my kids. I must be very luck in deed

[Dawa Lhamo]

My mama works now, but she stayed at home when we were growing up. My dad worked on the shop-floor (working on screw-machines) and eventually got promoted (with the help of night school) up to management. But for a long time, we were a "traditional" family, as you call it. My mom started to substitute teach once we were all in school, so then her work hours were the same as ours, but substitute teaching isn't an every day kind of thing. She went to full time when I was 16. We were "lower-class" up until my senior year of high-school when we finally broke into the middle-class tax bracket. (Right in time to be denied a Pell grant!) But, you know, I had the happiest childhood out of all my friends. Hands down. Having very little money didn't mean that we weren't happy. We had each other. My mom was great with a sewing machine, so she would make us clothes when we needed new ones, and with two brothers and a dozen cousins, hand-me-downs were plentiful. ^_^ You might consider taking a part-time job if money is tight. But I don't think it's unfair to ask your husband if you can work out a compromise. Does he love DSL more than you and the children? (Though I wouldn't suggest posing an ultimatum... those are just bad things for relationships).

Tashi delek!
Dawa Lhamo

[Haruka2077]

I'm lucky, too- I'm a stay-at-home mom to my lovely 1 year-old daughter. My husband is finishing up school in engineering, so we're living off his school loans and GI Bill money. It can be done! In our case it was a combination of desire and necessity- after childcare and travel expenses, if I had kept my job I would be earning $40 a MONTH from it. Not worth it to be away from my baby girl every day!
Being a SAHM mom is a challenge- I joined FLYlady to help me learn to keep a house together, as my mum was too impatient to teach me- and I'm the sort of person who needs a "life of my own" as well as being Momma. But, I love to write, so I am finally starting to make a real go of that, and it's lovely!
I plan on staying home, and writing, until my daughter is in college most likely, and then I want to go to seminary (our church's are rather far so I want to wait til she's left home).
In other words, it works for us! I work hard at home, and my husband works hard at school- our daughter gets plenty of time with both of us and is growing into a confident, secure little girl. I believe it can work both ways, but anyone who has the desire and the means should be able to stay home with their children. And the means are available more often than you'd think- you just have to dig sometimes!
As far as your particular situation goes, it does sound like your husband would like you to be more of a servant than an equal partner- make money to support HIS lifestyle, clean HIS house, and raise HIS children. Quite apart from the current question I believe marriage counseling might be a good place to start! Marriage can be tough sometimes, but it should never leave you in a place in life were your self is being stifled. I've dealt with that kind of depression in my life and it's NOT worth it for anyone. And you are no good to your family if you're not happy with your life!
I really, really recommend counseling, and in addition if you like books you might check out this one- "The Commitment Chronicles" by Cheryl McClary. It's a bit hard to find in bookstores but you can order it through FLYlady.net or perhaps at your local library.
I am so sorry about your situation, I do know how it feels to be in despair about your life. If you want someone to talk to, I would be happy to chat- my contact info should be in my profile.
Good luck, and take care of YOURSELF!

[SnowyMoon]

Popping in. Thanks so much for replying. I love reading all the different points of view.
I love Mrs. Cleaver. I would love her life. :floating:I think that is part of my problem. This is not 1954. :foh:

I was fine yesterday until this morning. I realize I can't hack driving my DD back and forth to cheerleading 4 days a week while going to school (her school is a 20-minute drive 1 way from where we currently live) and have no one who can or will help with it, including DH since he works nights. I don't want to go to school, but I feel I have to. I know I cannot handle her cheering time wise or money wise next fall, especially since I am having trouble with it now.

Ready for this? I do work at home. I am a medical transcriptionist. However, the job has its problems and is not a dream work-at-home job. The first being that it is not enough pay. I have to work darn hard for the money, and it is not reliable--it is rather sporadic. Bad dictators mean bad pay. The second problem is that I work from home. :lol: Let me explain. As a SAHM, I would be able to focus on my home and my child. As a WAHM, I have to focus on my job or get fired. Just because I work from home does not mean I am not actually working. My hands must be typing and my ears listening or I make nothing. I can't be doing laundry, vacuuming and typing reports at the same time.

Also, my DH sees this as the reason I should wear both hats--work and do all home duties. He says I automatically work less because I don't have to commute. His commute is only 15 minutes! :wtf: He cannot seem to grasp that I am WORKING even though I am here. He tries to talk to me all the time when I am working. :ahhhh: I have a home office. When I am in that chair 8 hours a day or more typing, I can't be cooking, driving DD around or listening to DH about his day. No one in this house seems to understand that. :ahhhhhhh: I do have set hours. I can't make my own schedule. I work for a hospital account that requires a certain turn around time. I can't take another account without taking huge a cut in pay, and since money is a problem (thanks rising prices and no pay raises in years!), that is not a possibility. Trust me, I have tried all other options.

My last issue with my current job is boredome. I am totally bored with what I do. It is mind numbing and repetitive. Remember when your teacher made you write 500 sentences? That is what it is like. I do that every day for hours a day on end. Repeat, repeat, repeat. :bangyourh

[MysticWitch]

Oh. Your already at home. I can see why he would expect you to do more of the house work. Although it may not be fair, he might see your job has more laid back because you can lounge around in your pj's all day if you choose too. I dont think its fair that he puts alot on you if your working too. I would keep the at home job thing because honestly.. as long as your not having to go to a crappy job and spend money on a car to get there and you dont have to drive the kids to a sitter and pay for one and bring back 1/3rd of a check because of child care costs, I would be happy with that. Even if it isnt your dream life. Or maybe cutting back some hours so its part time might help.. ask hubby about it :hugz:

[lillysmom]

I think many mothers face the same predicament now days. You want to stay home and be with your child, but it just isn't feasible. Most families have to have two working parents to make ends meet. At least my family does. But I agree with you, if you can afford it and cut out extras, then why not? We don't have cable and I think it is probably one of the best things. So he can survive without it. It would be tough getting used to at first but he would get used to life without so many extras. You should definitely talk to him about it. And maybe don't cut out all the extras, but comprise and cut out some of them. Or maybe work less hours to give you more time with your family. Sit down and talk, tell him "I can live without this or that, now what is it you can and cannot live without." Comprimising is a great thing in marraige and hopefully you both will come out happy in the end.

[SnowyMoon]

I have been talking about this problem for over a year now. In fact, it is rounding 2 years. I know nothing will change unless I move out. I can't do that. I am stuck.

My job sucks. Really, being at home in PJs all day is not reality. I still have to go into the office occasionally, and folks still show up at my door. However, it is hard some days to even fit in a shower. I would like to smell good at least occasionally. :lol: The job entails a lot that I am not paid for, so 8 hours ends up being 10, etc. Sometimes I work 6 hours in the morning and 4 more in the evening. In between I am fitting in the mom stuff. I am paid by the piece or by a line count. I used to be just part time (well, 6 hours a day), and I was okay with that. Problem is, the cost of living has risen to the point where I have had to up the hours or risk not making the house payment. I feel trapped!!! :awilly:

[SnowyMoon]

...I can see why he would expect you to do more of the house work. Although it may not be fair, he might see your job has more laid back because you can lounge around in your pj's all day if you choose too...

That is part of the problem. I am working. Just because I work from home does not mean I do not have a job. It is soooo hard for so many to realize that until they have done it. :(

[Dawa Lhamo]

That is part of the problem. I am working. Just because I work from home does not mean I do not have a job. It is soooo hard for so many to realize that until they have done it. :(I think in some ways it would be harder, simply because you can't leave your work anxieties at a workplace; they're still there at home, lurking around the corner.

Someone suggested marriage counselling. You know, this isn't a bad idea. It doesn't mean failure or that things are falling apart, it just means that things are tough. One good thing about marriage counsellors, they know what works, and for which types of people. I could give advice all day, but I'm not married. And even married people can give advice as to what works for THEM, but still, your relationship is different than anyone else's.

I do think you two need to come to some kind of compromise, though, because if you just let it fester, then you're going to end up with HUGE problems that will be much harder to fix.

You said you don't want to go to school, but you see no other choice. I would suggest not going to school if you don't *really* want to. SO many people go to school because they don't know what else they can do, and they have a terrible time, and drop out... It's an investment of a lot of money and time, so if you don't *really* want it, then save your money and your sanity.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you two work something out where you can BOTH be happy.

Tashi delek!
Dawa Lhamo

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Also, my DH sees this as the reason I should wear both hats--work and do all home duties. He says I automatically work less because I don't have to commute. His commute is only 15 minutes! :wtf: He cannot seem to grasp that I am WORKING even though I am here. He tries to talk to me all the time when I am working. :ahhhh: I have a home office. When I am in that chair 8 hours a day or more typing, I can't be cooking, driving DD around or listening to DH about his day. No one in this house seems to understand that. :ahhhhhhh: I do have set hours. I can't make my own schedule. I work for a hospital account that requires a certain turn around time. I can't take another account without taking huge a cut in pay, and since money is a problem (thanks rising prices and no pay raises in years!), that is not a possibility. Trust me, I have tried all other options.

I work full time at home too, hon. I don't have kids, luckily for me, but I put in more than a forty hour week. My income isn't nearly as much as my husband's at this point. HOWEVER...he takes over half of the chores. Period. I didn't have to push him on this, because he 'gets' it that I'm working, but if I had to, I would have. I set a rule early on--if I'm in my office, you knock on the door before entering unless the world's falling apart.

It sounds like your husband needs a kick in the ass. He's being a jerk about this and even if you end up getting what you want, you might find him treating you more like a maid than a wife/mother.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Yasmine :colorful: (who would never, ever fit in June Cleaver's world, and who would end up turning it into Pleasantville).

[Yasmine Galenorn]

That is part of the problem. I am working. Just because I work from home does not mean I do not have a job. It is soooo hard for so many to realize that until they have done it. :(

I have to beat this through the head of some of my friends. They expect me to be available at the drop of a hat since I work from home and it just doesn't work that way. I won't even answer the phone anymore while working because of this attitude. Sure, I can wear what I want to work, but that doesn't mean I'm not exhausted and brain-fried by the end of the day. Work at home does NOT mean easy work.

Yasmine :colorful:

[LadyCelt]

what is a dh?

[KaidaMidnight]

I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom of two little boys. My husband would not have it any other way. We are not rich by any means. I do have a part part time job, where I can make my own hours, and that helps a little bit. (buying diapers, it's mostly emergency money). We don't go out to eat as much as we'd like, and we don't just go out and by the newest and coolest toys. I do 98% of the house work, and cooking, while hubby is working. He will do laundry once in awhile or maybe surprise me with a dinner or the living room straightened up. I'd say we have a "traditional" family.
I hope things work out for you, and you and your husband can agree on something in the middle of what you both want. I say if he wants the fancier life that he wants, that he should try to get a part time job to make that extra cash to spend on things. **Sending Vibes of clearity and lighting a candle for you **

[Amethyst Rose]

I don't like the idea of 'traditional' family.

If I decide to get married and have kids, I expect the other person to work too. And when I make enough or more than enough income for us to live comfortably, or lavishly I still expect them to work.

Just out of curiosity..., why would you rather a stranger raise your kids, and see all the firsts, instead of you or your future wife?

That's why I choose to stay home with my children - I don't want anyone else raising them with their morals, values, habits, etc. I want to be 100% responsible for the type of person my child grows up to be. Not to mention, I don't want to miss one second of his growing up.

[Amethyst Rose]

what is a dh?

Dear Husband. It's an internet term that drives me insane...right along with dd (dear daughter) and ds (dear son) or dc (dear child). To me it's the equivilent of writing b4 instead of 'before', so it gets on my nerves. lol :)

[Tzhebee]

what is a dh?
Dear Hubby.

Personally, my SO (significant other) and I want a "traditional" family in reverse. We both agreed that I would be better in the work force and he at home with the kids. I love my children, but I NEED my M-F 8-5 "break" from them. :lol: Where as he would much rather be home with the kids, cooking and cleaning house.

Honestly, if we could just get our back debt paid off then I think we could pull it off...but there is a lot of back debt. :(

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Dear Hubby.

Personally, my SO (significant other) and I want a "traditional" family in reverse. We both agreed that I would be better in the work force and he at home with the kids. I love my children, but I NEED my M-F 8-5 "break" from them. :lol: Where as he would much rather be home with the kids, cooking and cleaning house.

Honestly, if we could just get our back debt paid off then I think we could pull it off...but there is a lot of back debt. :(

I have a friend who was a househusband for a number of years and it worked out better than the 'traditional' way. He was much better at cooking, cleaning, and overseeing their daughter than the wife was. He had a home business growing exotic plants, and they did fine for awhile (they broke up due to other concerns, rather than that one).

The one problem people don't think about though, is what happens when you're out of the workforce for years, if you suddenly find yourself having to go get a job. Say your husband has an accident and is in the hospital for months, or you find yourself at the end of divorce papers. This is what concerns me about women/men who don't want any sort of an outside job (be it homebased or not) other than taking care of their kids--it's not easy once you've been out of the workforce to find another job, and you can't be sure you'll actually get the child support your children deserve, according to statistics. Even if you just take a volunteer job for a few hours a week, it helps to have something to put on the resume in case the unthinkable happens, which is all too often.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Tzhebee]

The one problem people don't think about though, is what happens when you're out of the workforce for years, if you suddenly find yourself having to go get a job.
That is aparantly a big problem here. The local community college has set up classes called "displaced homemaker" (talk about being PC :rolleyes: ) and every time they offer the class, it's booked up solid!

[Dawa Lhamo]

That is aparantly a big problem here. The local community college has set up classes called "displaced homemaker" (talk about being PC :rolleyes: ) and every time they offer the class, it's booked up solid!Yes. It's much easier to GET a job if you HAVE a job. Even people who have been unemployed for a few months, this seems to be true. It's a catch-22. (like buying a car and having a job)... Yeah, if you do go SAHM, keep doing something that you can put on a resume... That's good advice.

Tashi delek!
Dawa Lhamo

[Ceres]

We have a "traditional" family and though it wasnt planned before we had kids, we both agreed to it. I take exception to a few points on here - first being i *do* work. I am not renumerated for my work and if my husband had to pay me for what I do in my role as caretaker of my family, he certainly couldnt afford me :lol:
I am not bored because I am constantly learning about my job. Folllowing child development and discipline, learning about health issues, keeping track of the emotional needs and how to deal with them for members of my family, and helping my children to research and learn about what interests them keeps me very busy. I am not just with them, I am involved in what they are doing and helping them do it where my help is requested.
It has been 12 years since I left my job to stay at home with my children. In that time, my husband has been able to double his income in part because of my help and willingness to move (I didnt have to leave my own job) so that he could further his career. So while I still do not generate any income, because we trusted eachother not to slack, we are farther ahead than we would have been had I stayed working.
Having one parent stay home enriches everyone in the family. Having it all is not all its cracked up to be. The pleasures of a relaxed lifestyle far outweigh those of owning more, at least for us.

[Gypsy flower]

I believe some still do want tradition.. but it is not the same anymore its hard to make progress if you only have one income.. especilly with kids... each one costs more.. so I think two incomes are almost a necissity anymore.. unless he has a perfect job!!! Or you do!
I am sure many men wish they could handle it all on thier own
but face it
that is alot to ask!