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Goddess Rhiannon
December 21st, 2005, 09:35 PM
I have noticed alot of us suffer from either depression, anxiety or some other form of mental health issue....lets band together...and form a support group.....where we can share...and help one another .....one day at a time....

Philosophia
December 21st, 2005, 09:40 PM
Okay, my real name is Dianne Richardson and I have been suffering from manic depression since I was young. Its been a hard slodge lately but everything is currently smoothing itself out. If anybody needs to talk, don't be shy to ask for help! I'm here for anybody who needs to let things out. :hugz:
To Goddess Rhiannon, thankyou for giving us this opportunity to voice any problems or issues we have with our depression/anxiety. _pounce_

Edit: I forgot to add severe social phobia (I'm close to becoming agoraphobic), anxiety, and OCD. I'm also paranoid.

Goddess Rhiannon
December 21st, 2005, 09:48 PM
Okay, my real name is Dianne Richardson and I have been suffering from manic depression since I was young. Its been a hard slodge lately but everything is currently smoothing itself out. If anybody needs to talk, don't be shy to ask for help! I'm here for anybody who needs to let things out. :hugz:
To Goddess Rhiannon, thankyou for giving us this opportunity to voice any problems or issues we have with our depression/anxiety. _pounce_
you are very welcomed my dear...now I have to make it a sticky....so people in need can find it quicker.

scorpiochick77
December 21st, 2005, 09:53 PM
Im a manic depressant with psychotic features,have anxiety, and agoraphobic. Yep...we're all in this together so let's be there to help one another!=)

Goddess Rhiannon
December 21st, 2005, 10:04 PM
I have panic disorder/anxiety disorder.....and who knows what else.....I have spent most of my life bottling things up...so todays initial visit...was devistation, anger, guilt, remorse....and a shitload of other emotions all rolled into one....

I am tired of hiding in the corner....I want my life back....

Marcasite
December 21st, 2005, 10:18 PM
I used to suffer from depression, mostly due to anxiety. I look back on those days and often wonder how I got through. It's an awful way to live, being depressed. I got through that hard time and now I'm still awfully anxious but I try not to let that interfere with my life. If anyone needs to talk, I'm here to listen!

Belladona
December 21st, 2005, 10:22 PM
I definately hear you....since our store went down, we have not left the appartment. This is not a good thing since there is no money coming in.
I know we are just depressed, but it is very hard to shake it off.
We probably should be in some kind of therapy, but since our old car blew up,
we have no transportation.

So now I sit and look out the window, wondering what will happen next....

WokeUpDead
December 22nd, 2005, 03:02 AM
I've never tested for it or whatever the process is but I seem to hate everything most of the time and always feel so blah. Does that count?

Pesha
December 22nd, 2005, 04:00 AM
I need to come into this forum more often. This is a great idea. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take medication for the depression and have a pill for when I get to panicky. I am grateful for my medication as it makes life so much easier to live and makes me alot better to be around. I will come here often I do think. Thanks GR for starting this palce.

BB
DS.

Earthy
December 22nd, 2005, 04:50 AM
I suffer with manic depression and occasionally mild paranoia.
I am not only any medication, and have just come out of a 2 month depressive state.
I am not depressed all the time, it comes and goes..but it's been with me since i was 12.
I also suffer with a mild OCD concerning numbers and words, that's not always with me, mainly when i'm stressed or depressed.
Anyway,that's me :)

FaerieGothMommy
December 22nd, 2005, 08:15 AM
I will write more later, but i wanted to pop in and say what a good idea this is, and i will be visiting in here.
I have been suffering from social anxiety since i was 12, and have bouts of depression.

I will be back in here, and write more. :)

Scarded-of-self
December 22nd, 2005, 02:32 PM
I have been suffering from manic depression and borderline personality disorder since I was eleven. I no the feeling of wanting my life back all to well.

Goddess Rhiannon
December 22nd, 2005, 04:30 PM
it is great to see....so many finding their way here....

BrigidMoon
December 22nd, 2005, 04:43 PM
I must add something here.

I am a sufferer of panic and anxiety too. I do not get them often anymore but I can help and offer any advice if needed.

:hugz: to you all!

Goddess Rhiannon
December 22nd, 2005, 05:05 PM
welcome.....this support thread is basically a safe haven to talk about any issues that cause mental distress....period...I don't like labels...I think they limit people from finding their true potential....so just come here...relax....have some tea...and open up....share what you feel comfortable sharing...and come away feeling refreshed.....that is my only goal....

BrigidMoon
December 22nd, 2005, 06:49 PM
I can start with my history. I started having panic attacks when I was around 21. We were in a traffic jam after a wonderful visit to the Medeival Festival in MD. I started feeling my heart race and I started hyperventilating. Someone called 911 and they did my pulse. My lips, hands and legs felt numb. But that was not the worst one. There was one weekend I did that off and on. It was horrible.

When I turned 22 I was put in the hospital because they thought it was my liver but it wasn't really. I didn't have any stones or a bad liver. They tested my thyroid as well. Nothing. We couldn't figure out what it was.

It was stress really. That and the fear of not being able to get out of a jam. I was also with my ex in the beginning years. Later when I found I was being abused verbally, emotionally and finally towards the end physically, that helped me realize how my panic attacks were coming.

I HATED the medicine they put me on. It made me sick to my stomach and it made me paranoid and irritable. SO....I went off that. I decided to take control of my issues. I did not want to be a victim any longer! By then, it was well after my daughter was born and I was around 26. I learned breathing techniques and used those. When I was in the car, when I was feeling stressed, even at work and at the computer at home -- etc etc.

I learned to observe when my breathing started to get quicker for no reason. Also, when my shoulders would start to creep up and stiffen. I've learned to observe myself first and THEN others around me. Because to be honest, I cannot help anyone unless I am heathly and feeling well.

So hopefully this story has helped people to open up a bit more. I still get them though. When I am flying. It's hard but Nick helps me out a lot.

:hugz:

Goddess Rhiannon
December 22nd, 2005, 08:53 PM
http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

weekly depression quiz

a couple of weeks ago...I took this quiz and scored an 83.....today I took it and got a 44....the lower the score the less depressed you are....

I take it on a regular basis to put things into perspective.

Jolixte
December 22nd, 2005, 09:09 PM
http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

weekly depression quiz

a couple of weeks ago...I took this quiz and scored an 83.....today I took it and got a 44....the lower the score the less depressed you are....

I take it on a regular basis to put things into perspective.
I got a 39. I seem to have all the symptoms of depression except for sadness. I don't get it. I have no idea what it means to be depressed, this is just how I am.

wintermagick
December 22nd, 2005, 09:17 PM
I have been suffering from depression on and off most of my life. (I was actually diagnosed as clinically depressed at age 15, but I remember having those feeling way before then).

I am now apparently suffering from postpartum depression, but did not seek treatment until a couple of weeks ago, because I kept hoping it would just go away, and I was scared to take medication while breastfeeding. But after doing some research I've found that breastfeeding and taking depression meds is fairly safe... so now I'm hopefully getting it together.

Great thread, GR!

Deranged Hermit
December 22nd, 2005, 09:24 PM
Thanks for making this thread, Karen. :hugz: I was put on Zoloft a week ago for anxiety. I've lived so long with the fear of what might happen, that I don't know what it's like not to have that. Sometimes I get mad at my husband, because he doesn't worry about stuff. :rolleyes: I know that's irrational, and I know that most of my fears are irrational, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Hopefully the meds will start working soon. :)
(I might not be on much until after the 3rd, the kids are on vacation).

Goddess Rhiannon
December 22nd, 2005, 09:38 PM
Thanks for making this thread, Karen. :hugz: I was put on Zoloft a week ago for anxiety. I've lived so long with the fear of what might happen, that I don't know what it's like not to have that. Sometimes I get mad at my husband, because he doesn't worry about stuff. :rolleyes: I know that's irrational, and I know that most of my fears are irrational, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Hopefully the meds will start working soon. :)
(I might not be on much until after the 3rd, the kids are on vacation).


it take take 3 weeks or more to start feeling any effects from zoloft...so be patient.....in that link...to the depression quiz....is a wonderful forum....that anyone can join for free....I am GoddessRhiannon t here as well.....

good luck to you Judy....hugs

BrigidMoon
December 22nd, 2005, 10:53 PM
http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

weekly depression quiz

a couple of weeks ago...I took this quiz and scored an 83.....today I took it and got a 44....the lower the score the less depressed you are....

I take it on a regular basis to put things into perspective.

I have a 19.

Scarded-of-self
December 22nd, 2005, 11:08 PM
I scored an 82. I have had depression since I was 9. I had it before that but never acted on it till i was 10 at that age i got worse and tried ending it all off and on the longest time i stoped was two years.Sometimes it seems like this will never go away. Other times i wonder what i did so terrible wrong to deserve this.It seems like it's all my fault and that i brought it on

Goddess Rhiannon
December 22nd, 2005, 11:12 PM
I scored an 82. I have had depression since I was 9. I had it before that but never acted on it till i was 10 at that age i got worse and tried ending it all off and on the longest time i stoped was two years.Sometimes it seems like this will never go away. Other times i wonder what i did so terrible wrong to deserve this.It seems like it's all my fault and that i brought it on

I feel the same way most of the time. I try to figure out in my head...why I am being punished...and what crime did I commit that was so bad....to live a life full of pain. I did not do anything wrong...and neither did you. YOU must stop blaming yourself. YOU are never going to get BETTER...if you keep believing that you are not WORTHY of HAPPINESS....cause you ARE !!!!

Flaire-FireStar
December 22nd, 2005, 11:22 PM
I scored a 51 on the test, but it could be seasonal depression, which I'm prone to.

Earthy
December 23rd, 2005, 05:12 AM
I guess mine could be seasonal depression too, the onset of autumn sent me spiralling down and it's taken me until now to overcome it.

Mine began 2 months before my 13th birthday, and i can remember wishing i would be put into a hospital so i could escape life.Life scares me even now, people scare me and to be honest if i never had to step outside my flat again i wouldn't care.
Whenever i am out i am full of paranoia of death or mugging, or the flat will be burgled, or something will happen to my kids.
So much anxiety..but my doctor seems to think i am fine and that if i think good thoughts i will be well.
Now on a day to day basis that's fine, i believe in positive thinking but sometimes my mania goes beyond that and i have visions of bad things happening and positive thinking doesn't help.

Happy Shrew
December 23rd, 2005, 10:40 PM
I was depressed for about seven years. Toward the end I developed anxiety issues (mostly in the form of anxiety attacks and general neurotic behavior) which sometimes took on some dissociative aspects.

It's a very scary place to be. I'm glad I'm out of there, but I would never dare marginalize someone else's experience. Not even to help move on.

What got me really wrapped up toward the end was my own self-blame habits. Got a homework problem wrong? My fault. Class group got a lower grade than we wanted? My fault. Raining? My fault. I started punishing myself with self-harm, which only made things worse because people would get upset when they found out about it. It was my efforts to stop cutting (after cutting several times a day regardless of reason) that triggered the first anxiety attacks.

Eventually I reached a point where my inner energy reserves just got kinda tapped out. I was a total burnout, and I couldn't be within ten feet of alcohol without drinking too much. Luckily things improved shortly after that - alcoholism wasn't going to mix well with everyting else.

I decided that sliding into that oddly comfortable gloomy state of mind was no longer acceptable. Whenever I started thinking "it's hopeless" or "it's all my fault" I stopped myself and changed my thoughts to something more positive. Not necessarily the opposite - I wasn't going to buy that at first - but something better. Eventually I was able to think "everything's fine" and "it's no big deal" regularly and believe it.

What really helped that stick was strong support. I met my boyfriend during what I thought was just a quiet period - a break between crap periods. He was so calm and comforting that I noticed it when we were first introduced. In his own non-obtrusive way he taught me how to keep things in perspective even when I was stressed, and that's allowed me to recover fully.

I got a 9 on that test, by the way. :) A year ago I was easily 60+.

I'd be happy to talk with anyone who's interested, whether here, through PM or on IM (I have all the popular ones!)

jennymac
December 24th, 2005, 01:11 AM
I was taking celexa for depression until the summer when I stopped taking it on my own. I am now feeling more depressed and anxious than ever and I think i need my meds again.

Philosophia
December 24th, 2005, 03:21 AM
I scored 86 for the quiz.

Pesha
December 25th, 2005, 03:07 AM
I scored a 62. Not surprised at all. Guess that is why I take Effexor every day. Sighs.

BB
DS.

DragonFan
December 27th, 2005, 02:02 PM
i'm dragonfan aka peter wineinger and i've been suffering from depression loneliness for a long time and i am not sure why it causes me to go through that but i would like to join this group.because depression get in my way very much and i can't help myself at all.

Earthy
December 27th, 2005, 02:52 PM
Welcome Dragonfan :hugz:
hopefully we will all be able to talk here and help one another :)

DragonFan
December 27th, 2005, 05:13 PM
well i hope we can talk too because i feel very depressed at times

LostSheep
December 27th, 2005, 05:20 PM
hey there,

Those of you who've seen my rants elsewhere will know that I've been feeling pretty crappy for a while... how it's different for me from some of the posts on here is, I think, because at least I know what it's about, what's causing it ... or rather, what's triggered it this time, because it has its origins while back, when i lost my mother when I was younger. Maybe it's because of that that I have severe dependency issues, that i drive people away with my insecurity and possesiveness ... paranoia that I'm going to lose them ... so i do. Self fulfilling prophecy if you like.

What makes it worst of all, right now, is that I know I've lost her, the one person who mattered in my life, I've made her move apart from me because i was driving both of us mad with my insecurity, but I care about her even more now, if that's possible. Because we don't talk I worry all the time... is she doing ok? Is she feeling stressed? because of some of the things she told me, i worry... and I can't reassure myself.

This worry ... that's what i hate. the worry... all the time ... this anxiety, gnawing away at me ....

My sleep's all over the place, I feel so tired that all i want to do is go to sleep, but if I do i'll wake up at 2 a.m. and the worry will start ....

i just hate this worrying .....

Earthy
December 27th, 2005, 05:34 PM
First of all LostSheep :hugz:
I'm sorry you lost your mum when you was young, and yes that could be where your insecurity lies..as we're growing up we look to our parents for security, and if some reason the balance is shifted,i imagine it can cause all sorts of problems.
But, at least you can see what the problem is, which is half the battle.
Have you ever seen a counsellor about your insecurity issues?
And i do understand the anxiety..i suffer anxiety about everything.Especially about my kids.
I think that stems from my grandad being taken suddenly, and i found him.I was 22 but he was my dad in everything but name..it's taken until this year to accept it.
Grief can do funny things to us, and can manifest in many ways..even years on when you think you have overcome the pain.

Is there anybody who knows you both, that could ease your fears a little about how she is doing?
I'm sorry i can't be much help..i'm useless with advice..but good with :hugz:

Earthy
December 27th, 2005, 05:36 PM
well i hope we can talk too because i feel very depressed at times

I have suffered depression for many years hon, and others here suffer it too, so i'm sure there are many people who will be willing to talk, never be afraid to ask for help, because we all care..and you're never alone in your pain :hugz:

LostSheep
December 27th, 2005, 06:02 PM
You are good with :hugz: , Earthy ...

yes, I've seen someone about depression in a general sort of way, but to be honest I didn't see the point in carrying on with it at the time because frankly I didn't have the patience to go through all that "how does it make you feel?" stuff ... it's like that with the antidepressants they gave me, I didn't have the patience to see that through.

There is a way i can kind of keep in touch with her, but as it's all one way it gets very tiring.... caring about someone when it's not reciprocated any more.

i think the only thing i can do is be here if she ever wants to talk ... but I think I've got to get on with my life, that's what I've decided i think ... i think the reason i miss her so much is because there's a big hole in my life without her, and she's the first thing i think of when I wake up just because it's soemthing nice to think about ... and then I remember that she's not there in that place in my life any more ...

so i know i've got to move on ... i think maybe I need companionship bad, and it's holding on to her that fills that gap ....

... thanks for listening, I haven't been very coherent but it helps to talk about it ...

wintermagick
December 27th, 2005, 06:21 PM
My husband and I were having this conversation a couple of days ago after experiencing holiday hell with my family...

Would you guys say that your depression is indeed a chemical imbalance, or the result of abusive/tragic upbringing? In my case... I say both!

I can't remember what I originally posted... but I was diagnosed as clinically depressed at age 15 (I am now 30). Those feelings were there long before the age of 15 though, and since then I have battled depression on and off.

Currently I am under treatment for postpartum depression.

_inabox_

DragonFan
December 27th, 2005, 11:22 PM
dang that's scary at times but i wouldn't want to have that very much

Earthy
December 28th, 2005, 05:03 AM
You are good with :hugz: , Earthy ...

yes, I've seen someone about depression in a general sort of way, but to be honest I didn't see the point in carrying on with it at the time because frankly I didn't have the patience to go through all that "how does it make you feel?" stuff ... it's like that with the antidepressants they gave me, I didn't have the patience to see that through.

There is a way i can kind of keep in touch with her, but as it's all one way it gets very tiring.... caring about someone when it's not reciprocated any more.

i think the only thing i can do is be here if she ever wants to talk ... but I think I've got to get on with my life, that's what I've decided i think ... i think the reason i miss her so much is because there's a big hole in my life without her, and she's the first thing i think of when I wake up just because it's soemthing nice to think about ... and then I remember that she's not there in that place in my life any more ...

so i know i've got to move on ... i think maybe I need companionship bad, and it's holding on to her that fills that gap ....

... thanks for listening, I haven't been very coherent but it helps to talk about it ...


I can understand about not seeing it through with the counsellor because i never did either and i only stayed on tablets for 4 months and now tend to struggle without them.
I mean, i'm very happy at the moment and depression feels like something that happens to other people but i know it can hit me like a sledgehammer at any moment.
I found counsellors hard too, all she seemed to want to do was make me cry, all because i mentioned that i hadn't cried for years...and i didn't want to cry in front of a stranger!!!

I think you're right though, i think you need to maybe find something else that's gonna fill that hole.Of course, it won't happen immediately but hopefully in time, the pain will lessen, and you will find yourself thinking of her less.:hugz:
You've lost somebody you love and if she's not in contact with you at all, i guess it's almost like a bereavement for you..and it will take time to work through your feelings..don't be hard on yourself,let yourself feel but i think you need to be tough with yourself and accept she's not coming back, though i know how much that hurts :hugz:

Well listen to me waffling on at 9am :lol:
You know i'm always here if you want to talk :hugz:



My husband and I were having this conversation a couple of days ago after experiencing holiday hell with my family...

Would you guys say that your depression is indeed a chemical imbalance, or the result of abusive/tragic upbringing? In my case... I say both!

I can't remember what I originally posted... but I was diagnosed as clinically depressed at age 15 (I am now 30). Those feelings were there long before the age of 15 though, and since then I have battled depression on and off.

Currently I am under treatment for postpartum depression.

_inabox_

I believe it can be both too.
I know some people who are severely depressed it is because of chemical imbalances, but if you've had a tragic upbringing i'm sure it plays a part.
I used to wonder why if, for instance, the same thing happened to 2 people, how one could overcome it and the other would suffer and brood on it for years...i was always the latter :lol:
I have suffered on and off for 22 years now, mainly because of my upbringing..although there is a history of severe depression in my family.I wouldn't wish this on my children though my daughter already suffers at 15.

But for me, once i started taking responsibility for my life, that's when things changed.
Okay, so i was abused, raped etc but it was down to me how i reacted with it afterwards.
Obviously, with a chemical imbalance it's completely different and it takes more than changing your thoughts..but for me doing affirmations has worked really well :)

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 10:55 AM
well when one of my grandma's died i felt very depressed and sad because i loved her very much and it made me feel very bad that time and i can't believe she died on me and my depression gets to me too easily and i can't help myself

LostSheep
December 28th, 2005, 01:07 PM
Thanks for being patient, Earthy. :)

I think it helps to think of this as an illness and not just that I'm being neurotic. I think it's helped too, by talking it through, to narrow down the cause of it - it's this damn dependency, this need for reasurance. If only i could just shut it off, tell myself that that part of my life is over, move on ... but i'd come to depend on her. She became part of me ... and now she's shut me out. That hurts. I still care for her. i need to stop caring .... accept that she's got to get on with her own life, and I've got to get on with mine.

But it's taking that step, of erasing her number from my phone, deleting her email address ... it seems so final.

And there's another way that i still cling on to her - there's another forum we're both members of, and though I haven't been over there much lately, i can't resist looking on there, seeing if she's about, if she is I have the reassurance I need, i feel alright, but if she's not about or hasn't been online today, then i worry ... the only way I can escape from this is by abandoning that forum completely ... but it's like a compulsion, i can't help myself...

... so i know, basically, what's wrong and what I have to do to stop it ... but knowing's one thing and actually doing it is another isn't it.

Ah well ....

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings.

have a cake. :blowcandl

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 01:35 PM
well this is very good advice for earthy

Earthy
December 28th, 2005, 02:51 PM
Thanks for being patient, Earthy. :)

I think it helps to think of this as an illness and not just that I'm being neurotic. I think it's helped too, by talking it through, to narrow down the cause of it - it's this damn dependency, this need for reasurance. If only i could just shut it off, tell myself that that part of my life is over, move on ... but i'd come to depend on her. She became part of me ... and now she's shut me out. That hurts. I still care for her. i need to stop caring .... accept that she's got to get on with her own life, and I've got to get on with mine.

But it's taking that step, of erasing her number from my phone, deleting her email address ... it seems so final.

And there's another way that i still cling on to her - there's another forum we're both members of, and though I haven't been over there much lately, i can't resist looking on there, seeing if she's about, if she is I have the reassurance I need, i feel alright, but if she's not about or hasn't been online today, then i worry ... the only way I can escape from this is by abandoning that forum completely ... but it's like a compulsion, i can't help myself...

... so i know, basically, what's wrong and what I have to do to stop it ... but knowing's one thing and actually doing it is another isn't it.

Ah well ....

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings.

have a cake. :blowcandl


I understand that LostSheep :hugz:
Knowing what you need to do, and actually doing it..are two very different things.
I hope in time you will have the courage to follow through.
It may be the hardest decision you take, but in the end i think that's when true healing will begin.
But you can only do it when you are ready, and i can empathise with the need to know she is okay.you loved here, you love her still and love isn't a switch we can just switch off when a relationship is over.It all takes time :hugz: :hugz:

Earthy
December 28th, 2005, 02:54 PM
well when one of my grandma's died i felt very depressed and sad because i loved her very much and it made me feel very bad that time and i can't believe she died on me and my depression gets to me too easily and i can't help myself

My depression was really bad too when i lost my grandparents, and it's okay to feel sad, as long as we don't let it be the only thing in our life.
I write my feelings down, as a way of releasing them, and i find that helps.:hugz:

LostSheep
December 28th, 2005, 03:26 PM
I've made a start, maybe. I've put a message up in my sig on the other forum to say that I don't think I'll be there much for a while. I did it in a fairly subtle way, i didn't start a thread saying "Goodbye everyone" or anything like that, but i thought it was only fair to let the folks over there know that i won't be around much. Maybe she'll see it and realise what I'm trying to do, I don't know. It's the first step in moving away, maybe.

Thanks for your support, have one of these :cheers: it's the least you deserve.

:hugz:

Earthy
December 28th, 2005, 03:55 PM
Aww I haven't done anything hon, just willing to listen when it's needed.
And you've made the first step in moving on, you deserve a :hugz:

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 04:04 PM
you're right i should write my feelings down on paper it makes me feel a lot better but i still feel sad over the loss of my grandma because i loved her very much since i was a kid

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 04:08 PM
i could use some support too here for a long time at MW i was feeling left out and inactive here and i wasn't posting much due to the fact i was so down a lot and couldn't help myself it made me feel pretty miserable.when i was inactive for so long and i don't know why it just stinks so much that i didn't know what to do for the time being.i used to be so active on other communities in the past but i left those memories behind and start all over again but now i feel like i got no where to go and feeling very much down and depressed lately that i can't help myself anymore.i really want to be active on forums now but i wish there was a way i could be more active on forums.

Scarded-of-self
December 28th, 2005, 04:24 PM
I'm having a real hard time with depression lately.I have tried writing in journal,writing poems etc.Nothing seems to be helping.I have called several therapists and have had two in the past month they both have fired me as a patient.The other ones I have called wont see me.I'm having such a hard time dealing with the mood swings and the panic attacks.I feel so low and down and like all's I'm doing is screwing up, and hurting everyone i come near.It feels like this dark cloud will never leave and i can't get away from it.I feel like I'm falling off a cliff and can't stop, then I'm drowning and can't breath I try to reach out and can't i just slip further down and can't swim out.I'm truly afraid that if i don't find a away to cope or someone that believes me and stop throwing it up in my face that they think I'm attention seeking and thats it, I'm afraid of what i might do next :ack:

LostSheep
December 28th, 2005, 04:41 PM
Nothing will change overnight, I know that, but maybe, just maybe, just being able to let it out might stop you thinking about anything else you might be tempted to do? It's keeping it inside that's the killer, that's what was eating away at me, i know how the frustration gets so unbearable it just boils over.

just ... being able to share it with someone who's not a healthcare 'professional', just might be the outlet that might stop you from doing other things?

ObsessedFae86
December 28th, 2005, 04:49 PM
I've been so stressed out and have fallen back into depression..thought I'de fought it off..now its back..I'm a young single mother..living at home with my mother..and on top of that I'm a full-time college student..I'm looking for a job and everything just seems so hard..I mean like I feel so alone at times..I just wish I had more friends..and maybe a boyfriend..or someone there for me..I lost my best friend to cancer a year ago..the one person who could connect with me in ways no one else can..I feel so upset right now..all these memories of her keep coming back..:(

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 05:20 PM
that's terrible and it's got to be one scary thing that has happened to you

LostSheep
December 28th, 2005, 05:30 PM
When something like that happens to you, Fae, you're bound to feel isolated and alone ... It may well be that you want to get close to someone again but you're worried that they'll leave you, that the same thing might happen if you let yourself get close to someone? I think that's what's happened to me, and it's taken a very long time to get close to anyone again, and when I did begin to, I scared them away by getting so paranoid and possessive. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to you, but if you're able to recognize how you're feeling and why, i think that's probably a first step.

:hugz: to you.

Earthy
December 28th, 2005, 05:32 PM
I'm sorry you lost your best friend :hugz:
Bereavement is always so hard, and it affects people differently.
Somebody once told me that when somebody passes, they are even closer to you, because now they live within your heart.
A poem which always comfort me is this:

Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.
I am I,
and you are you;
whatever we were to each other,
that, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used,
put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air
of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be
the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all
that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847 -1918

LostSheep
December 28th, 2005, 05:40 PM
that's made me cry, Earthy .... that's lovely. And i know just what they mean when they said that they always live within your heart. You never stop forgetting ... it just gradually doesn't hurt so much. You can begin to remember the good times without hurting.

:hugz: to you.

DragonFan
December 28th, 2005, 09:15 PM
well i felt pretty miserable when i was young and i had no friends i was totally depressed as a kid.but as time went by i thought no one was going to like me very much as time went by i made high school friends but most of them now are gone and out of my life and all i got left is friends at the west allis public library because i got no where else i can go or turn to for friends and i've even
tried pounced.org but i don't know if many of you have heard of it because i am over there as far as my character went in my dragon form i felt unhappy when it was first drawn in pencil and it literally stunk very badly as time went by it wasn't getting any better when i got these giftart pieces coming towards
me i thought my character was going to look terrible but i was pretty depressed when i went through many colors for my character and i wasn't happy with the first few colors i went through

Pesha
December 29th, 2005, 01:24 AM
I was curious how you all feel about taking meds for depression. I take Effexor and it works, but I have been thinking of looking for alternatives.

Comments?

BB
DS.

ObsessedFae86
December 29th, 2005, 01:37 AM
Thank you..I feel better now after reading the poem as well as your replies! :hugz: to you all!

DragonFan
December 29th, 2005, 01:44 AM
i've never taken meds for depression at all

DragonFan
December 29th, 2005, 01:45 AM
i'm glad you feel better now

Earthy
December 29th, 2005, 05:48 AM
I was curious how you all feel about taking meds for depression. I take Effexor and it works, but I have been thinking of looking for alternatives.

Comments?

BB
DS.

I took medication for about 4 months but stopped because although i was better within myslf, i really couldn't feel anything emotionally, good or bad ad i thought i would rather suffer the bad stuff than nothing.
Like i said though, for me i can usually control it with affirmations.Usually :)

Brenda
December 29th, 2005, 06:15 AM
I was curious how you all feel about taking meds for depression. I take Effexor and it works, but I have been thinking of looking for alternatives.

Comments?

BB
DS.
I took medication for depression quite a while ago, but the side-effects caused more problems than the depression, dizziness, sleeping problems, feeling weak,...
I think I've had about every side-effect imaginable. :nuhuh:
There are still moments that it's hard to deal with it, but I rather be myself, depressed, than some kind of zombie on meds.
Sometimes I really wonder if I made the right choice though :goodgrief

Earthy
December 29th, 2005, 08:13 AM
There are still moments that it's hard to deal with it, but I rather be myself, depressed, than some kind of zombie on meds.
Sometimes I really wonder if I made the right choice though :goodgrief

that's exactly my thoughts too. :hugz:

LostSheep
December 29th, 2005, 08:42 AM
that's exactly how I feel about them too ... how you're told that "you've got to give it time, it might take weeks to take effect",and you shouldn't do this, or that, while you're on them, and certainly not drink anything, and ...

Besides that, i don't want to be dependent on something ... I just don't like things being out of my control, I want to be the one who makes myself better. I know myself, i hate having 'professionals' patronizing me.

Brenda
December 29th, 2005, 09:46 AM
I know myself, i hate having 'professionals' patronizing me.
I know that feeling, I still remember the first time I had a panic attack about 2 years ago, and the doc said nothing was going on, but I felt like I was dying.
He just gave me some painkillers and that's it. :thumbsdow
:twitch: Ever since I don't trust them anymore

LostSheep
December 29th, 2005, 03:34 PM
ok then ....

I've decided I'm finally going to let go.

i think I've been doing it in a kind of series of little rituals, cutting off links with her, saying goodbye each time, and i think now I just need one last ritual to sever the last link. She knows that she can always get in touch with me any time she wants, so I don't need to feel guilty that I'm cutting her out completely. But i need to do this to move on.

One last thing to finally let go.

then maybe I can start rebuilding.

yay.

Earthy
December 29th, 2005, 03:45 PM
:hugz: LostSheep.
I think it's the best..for your health if nothing else.

DragonFan
December 29th, 2005, 04:13 PM
i'm feeling the same way i need to let it go big time and i can't help myself it's
just the depression i went through and it drove me nuts like crazy but i hate to feel so miserable and i don't want to be around others when i have this depression inside of me what should i do

Earthy
December 29th, 2005, 04:26 PM
Dragonfan :hugz:
I know how you feel. When i'm back, i find it very hard to reach out to people and end up shutting myself away, and don't post for days, sometimes weeks.
But you're here which is good.
There is no easy miracle cure to overcome it, i understand the despair too well..but do try focusing on the good in your life rather than the things that make you feel sad.
I know it's not easy, especially if you want to dwell on things that make you sad..I've been there many many times too.
But, you can change the way you think if you want to. :hugz:

Happy Shrew
December 29th, 2005, 04:27 PM
I always viewed medication as chemical crutches - very useful while you're mending, but meant to eventually be tossed aside.

They were pretty good to me. I felt kind of out of touch with myself, but otherwise much better than before. With me it was an issue of whether or not I'd be able to function, so any philosophical issues on medication were moot.

I went off them without consulting anybody, which is really unwise, but I don't regret it. Having a more stable mind allowed me to develop some healthier thought patterns, and I was sufficiently used to them to maintain them without medication.

Faery-Wings
December 29th, 2005, 04:38 PM
Hi everyone. I would like to join in. I am so miserable I can't stand being in my own skin ATM.
Anyway, I and in "wallowing mode" but I know I can't do that forever.
In fact, I am not really up to writing more. I skimmed through the thread and am glad to have found people who understand.

DragonFan
December 29th, 2005, 04:48 PM
i can't stand dealing with depression so much it makes me want to hide my feelings from spreading it to others.but i can't help myself and the problem is that i've had a lot of depression loneliness and sadness in me for almost 20 years and i don't want anymore because it drives me nuts i just want real life friends that i can be with that care about me very much as friends but i am not sure what it causes me to do this and i can't help myself anymore and since i had this depression it's been tearing me apart big time and i can't stand it anymore

Earthy
December 29th, 2005, 05:28 PM
Hi everyone. I would like to join in. I am so miserable I can't stand being in my own skin ATM.
Anyway, I and in "wallowing mode" but I know I can't do that forever.
In fact, I am not really up to writing more. I skimmed through the thread and am glad to have found people who understand.

Wallowing mode is the worst isn't it :hugz:
And though you know you'll come through it, it still feels unbearable at the time.
You know, you don't need to say anything right now, just know that there are people here who understand, and who care and who will be willing to talk and :hugz: when you do feel up to it.:hugz:




i can't stand dealing with depression so much it makes me want to hide my feelings from spreading it to others.but i can't help myself and the problem is that i've had a lot of depression loneliness and sadness in me for almost 20 years and i don't want anymore because it drives me nuts i just want real life friends that i can be with that care about me very much as friends but i am not sure what it causes me to do this and i can't help myself anymore and since i had this depression it's been tearing me apart big time and i can't stand it anymore

Loneliness is a problem.
I was always he black sheep of the family, grew up alone and didn't make friends at school.
My friends are all online.
Most of the time i'm happy with that, though i do wish i lived nearer my best friend.
Depression can be your enemy.It will keep you brooding and brooding and before you know it, half your life has passed.
Do you think, maybe counselling would help, to get to the root of your depression? :hugz:

LostSheep
December 29th, 2005, 05:38 PM
Hi Faery-Wings, there's a lot of people here who're always ready to listen and just to be here whenever you want to rant. they've helped me one hell of a lot. :hugz:

And i know what you mean Dragonfan, you can get to the state where it's not you that's depressed, depression is you, it's your natural state. i think maybe just knowing that you're not alone, and that there are things that you can do to begin to pull you out, that might begin to help.

just letting it out helps, bottling it up is the worst thing.

Spirited
December 29th, 2005, 07:41 PM
Hey everyone. I was wondering whether I could also be in the support group? I know I'm pretty young, but I'm out of school right now because of how badly my moods affect me. I was never bullied or anything, it was just the fact that I had to hide all those painful empty moments whilst I was there. You just can't be depressed and in a high school full of teenage girls, because when I get like that I just want to be...forgotten, and that just doesn't happen. Everyone wants to know what's wrong.

Just lately I've tracked my low moods into three phases, which I guess...doesn't make them any easier to deal with, but at least they have names :)

Anyway, yeah, rambling aside, I think it'd be nice to be in a place where people understand. So *waves* hi. I hope you don't think I'm being pretentious or anything...

*worries*

Amy

Happy Shrew
December 29th, 2005, 09:19 PM
Nothing to be worried about - anyone and everyone is welcome, so long as they play nice!

High school is probably one of the worst places to be while depressed. However, being forgotten isn't as nice as it sounds - I was very much ignored through most of high school and it made things far, far worse. Some days I was so buried in my own emotions that I didn't even know if I was a person or a ghost.

Sometimes you just don't want to talk about what's wrong - that's understandable - but by no means should you or anyone else get dropped off the social radar. You matter too much. :)

Faery-Wings
December 30th, 2005, 09:01 AM
Thank you all for understanding :)

Quick ? What do you all do to get out of "wallow mode." I mean, I have been through this enough times to know that it will end, that I need to push myself and work on it....but I am so exhausted, and I am seeing no good in anything except the love I have for my kids.

LostSheep
December 30th, 2005, 09:14 AM
Hi FW, what I think has helped for me is just to be able to accept that yes, I have been ill, it's not just that I'm 'feeling sorry for myself' or whatever, and that there is something you can do to begin to get better.

And certainly, I know it sounds pathetically fluffy, but knowing that there are people who who've felt the same, has helped. I still feel pretty vulnerable and the littlest thing can set it off, but I;'ve been able to make a start on getting out of it since I've been able to talk about it here. I don't know if that'll be the same for you, but just saying how I've been feeling has helped me, just taking the first step of recognizing that it can be helped and there will be an end to it.

maybe some cake might help too? :blowcandl

colusaskye
December 31st, 2005, 05:01 AM
I meant to post in this when it first came out but I forgot. Or got distracted. I don't remember. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder about 4 years ago, apparently I've had it for a long long time. In highschool I'd have anxiety attacks every day and one of my friends would drag me to class and tell me that I'd be fine. I think I would have sat outside on the ground hiding if he wasn't there. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack. My mind has always been too busy, I've always had trouble sleeping (I remember laying awake when I was 7 because my mind was just buzzing and it wouldn't stop). I went to therapy, my psychologist recommended therapy AND medication but I didn't want to do medication so I gave away the pills (bad, I know). I used different methods of meditation to help me tone down the panic attacks so I rarely get them anymore.
Depression isn't going away. Some days I can handle it, some days I can't. Some days I can't get out of bed, so I have to call in to work, but it doesn't happen often. On my last birthday, I couldn't get out of bed. I just lay there and stared at the wall for hours. Sometimes I get stuck and I can't move, even if I'm hungry, or tired, or I have to use the restroom, I'll sit there for hours. Does anyone else get like this?
On the average day I can function enough to go to work. I work in retail and I have to go out of my way to talk to people which definitely stresses me out, because I'm terrified of them, for the most part.
I need the oil changed in my car really badly but I can't get myself to talk to the people in the shop, or to even walk into a store to buy oil and a filter, so I'm making my mom do it for me. I don't know. I can deal with talking to people at work, heck, the customers even think that I like them, but when I get off, I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't remember the last time I didn't think of dying. I can't imagine living past my 20's. I don't think I want to live past my 20's.

Faery-Wings
December 31st, 2005, 08:29 AM
Hi FW, what I think has helped for me is just to be able to accept that yes, I have been ill, it's not just that I'm 'feeling sorry for myself' or whatever, and that there is something you can do to begin to get better.

just taking the first step of recognizing that it can be helped and there will be an end to it.

maybe some cake might help too? :blowcandl

Yes, that is always helpful- And when I remind myself thatI have beenthrough this beofre, and I have survived *and* it has made me stronger (and yes, it really has) -- I do feellike I can pull out of it.
However,I'll pass onthe cake since I am a recovering anorexic :lol:

DragonSinger- et al- I take Zoloft and Xanax, and had been on Prozac previously for postpartum depression. For me, meds have been a great help. My hubby has been on just about every anti- dep, and mood stabilizer and they f-ed him up big time.

Unfortunately, you don't know if meds will work or which ones orat what dose, until you try them. And that in itself can be horrible. I tried all of the natural and herbal remedies first, but I was too far gone at that point. so... meds it is for now.

DragonFan
December 31st, 2005, 10:01 AM
well i tried stress management here but my family found out that i went to it and stopped going to it but i have found no solutions at all to it.but i have tried almost certain things but they don't work for me and i don't know what to do

DragonFan
December 31st, 2005, 10:07 AM
well i've been feeling the same way when i was in school barely anyone was going to make friends with me and i thought to myself that no one was going to talk to me in school so i was so alone during my school years without any student friends til some from 1999 to 2002 came along and i decided to talk to them but now i felt very sad when my friends was gone.

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 01:41 PM
dammit I knew i'd get like this today. At least I know why, maybe that's a start, i don't know.

I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed she called me, i could hear her voice so clearly, it was one of those dreams where you wake up feeling happy and then you realise that it was just a dream.

I know it takes time, and I am making progress, it just upset me, and got me feeling angry with her again. i know the only way to stop myself feeling like this is to get on with something constructive, and there's stuff I really ought to be doing, it's just that old thing about motivation again isn't it.

this anxiety, this imagining the worst, that's the most difficult thing. It paralyzes me, I just get trapped in this cycle of fear. It's crap.

But after tonight ... this is the last time I'm going to feel like this. i'm not going to let myself feel like this again.

I'm going to be strong. I;m not gonna let it control me any more.

Earthy
January 1st, 2006, 02:12 PM
It'll take time hon :hugz:
But at least you recognise the signs now, and are able to focus on other things.
You are strong and you will overcome these feelings of anxiety.I do understand how crippling they can be.
I suffer with them myself quite often :hugz:

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 02:17 PM
mmmm you're all so :hugz:.

i know, it's keeping myself ocupied, that's the thing. College starts again this week, so that'll be something. ... and that essay that needs to be in this week. That'll keep me busy. :)

Jolixte
January 1st, 2006, 02:19 PM
:hugz: LostSheep. Stay strong, hun.

Earthy
January 1st, 2006, 02:20 PM
What's the essay you've got to write? :)

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 02:23 PM
religious ethics *ironic laugh*.

"Should a person who follows the ethics of their religion participate in a war?"

well, yay.

Earthy
January 1st, 2006, 02:26 PM
woah.
Yep, that will definitely keep your mind occupied :lol:

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 02:30 PM
Maybe i oughta take it to theology & philosophy?? :lol:

yeah, thanks to the next couple of days being holidays, i've got a bit extra time to to it, so .... yay.

_inabox_

Jolixte
January 1st, 2006, 02:34 PM
Let's see, my anxiety is really really specified which is why I haven't been diagnosed with a disorder. For example, these make me anxious: cluttered houses, more then 2 people older then me in the area that I work, more 10 kids in that same area, repetative noises,et cetera. It's all very random and very irritating. I also have insomnia due to stress which makes it much worse. Any depression I get is generally due to anxiety as well. That's about it. Not much to tell.

My SO has OCD so we make one very anxious couple, lol.

Earthy
January 1st, 2006, 02:37 PM
:hugz: Joli.
I get anxious if there are too many people younger than me nearby, so i understand. :hugz:

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 02:39 PM
I can definitely sympathize about the more than 10 kids in one place lol :awilly: .

Yeah, I think I'm beginning to recognize I've maybe got a kind of OCD as well, which might explain some things. I'm learning a lot about myself, anyway. Good that you can pin down what makes you anxious as well, that's a start at any rate.

Jolixte
January 1st, 2006, 03:09 PM
I can definitely sympathize about the more than 10 kids in one place lol :awilly: .

Yeah, I think I'm beginning to recognize I've maybe got a kind of OCD as well, which might explain some things. I'm learning a lot about myself, anyway. Good that you can pin down what makes you anxious as well, that's a start at any rate.
For me, it's not so much having the 10 kids in one spot, it's that I'm the one reponsible for them. I run a skate park most of the week.

I don't have ocd, but I compulsively repeat myself when I'm upset.

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 04:03 PM
You'd have a feeling of responsibility there naturally, just as long as you can keep it in control and not let it overwhelm you, i guess that's the important thing. I'm kind of obssessive-compulsive about worrying about people, continually having to check up on them and all that ... ah well, at least it's nice to know we're not alone.

Necrosapien
January 1st, 2006, 05:48 PM
Well, didn't see this here till today. It's the new year and obviously one of my goals it to conquer a lot of things in my life. One of them is depression. I don't know how long I've been depressed, but it's been since high school and I'll put money that it's been before that. I was diagnosed senior year in high school with depression, and now I've been a college student for almost two years. Heh, like most college students, I'm stressed about money now...apparently I was supposed to pay for insurance for my car for this six months (...I thought that my parents said they would...funny that...) so now I'm short cash for that and then you have college in general. But for this new year I've set some goals for myself and hopefully I can break through the old life and start anew. My depression got bad this year after a breakup with a girlfriend. Even though we had problems I feel as though I was very close to her and that she was very important in my life. So it's been hard the past few months, but I know I'm pulling out of this. But I feel as though I'm rambling and not really saying much. My big thing is that this is a new year, and a new start. None of my failures or shortcomings have to happen this year. So, I'm going to pull through...I know everyone else can too!

(Hugz) :)

LostSheep
January 1st, 2006, 06:00 PM
I know exactly how you feel about your breakup, my friend... it drags you down ... but I've felt a lot better since I've come across this thread, I'm sure the good people here'll be able to help you. Best of luck to you.

:hugz:

:cheers:

:wave:

-Ember
January 2nd, 2006, 01:38 AM
I've been away for a while and so only just saw this thread. I'm being hit pretty hard this holiday. Not back to somewhat suicidal, but pretty thoroughly flatline blah.

I think it is the combination of New Year's and graduation causing me to evaluate my life, and I just am not liking what I total up. It just doesn't seem like I've made any progress in any area of my life that matters. And I don't even really have any goals any more. I'm adrift with no direction and no foundation. And all the energy I can throw at it doesn't seem to make any difference. Which leads to the question of why bother doing anything?

I'm (like some others) worried about finances. My job just barely paid the bills while I was in school. Now I've got student loans to consider as well as bills that my father was helping with while I was in school. And I can barely even find any jobs I can apply for as a second job. It isn't even just not getting a better job, I can't even find a second part time lousey job. I hate my current job, but I can't give up a full time job, no matter how despised. It wouldn't be so intolerable if I saw anything resembling an option, but I don't. And if all I have to look forward to is working 60+ hours at multiple jobs to pay rent, car, and loans for the foreseable future, what is the point? I'm just not getting anywhere in this area of my life, and if it takes all of my time and energy, I don't see how I'm supposed to deal with the other areas that are lacking.

I don't want to start on my perpetual non-existant love life. Or my questions about what I'm accomplishing spiritually.

I just feel lost. And I don't even have the routine of school to carry me. I'm not happy where I am, and I'm not going anywhere. And I don't have any ideas how to get moving, trying for anything when it just seems pointless.

And yes, I'm seeing a therepist, but I don't know if that is all that effective either.

Pesha
January 2nd, 2006, 04:02 AM
I am having trouble sleeping. My anti depressants cause it. I am awful with out them. The xanax I have been taking to help me sleep makes me sick. Sighs, I am so tired. I am fighting the aloneness as best I can, but being alone is killing me. I hate sounding so whingy and weak. Somedays I really wonder why bother getting out of bed to just sit and look at the telly and do nothing else. This disability is the worst thing to happen to me, I think. I want to feel useful again. There has got to be something I can do to stop feeling so alone.

Sorry to ramble.

BB
DS.

LostSheep
January 2nd, 2006, 04:35 AM
DS darling, I know the loneliness must be a killer, all I can say is, don't forget that there are people who care for you. You're one of the nicest people I know, and you mean a lot to all of us.

Big hugs to you. :hugz:

Faery-Wings
January 2nd, 2006, 08:41 AM
I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed she called me, i could hear her voice so clearly, it was one of those dreams where you wake up feeling happy and then you realise that it was just a dream.

I know it takes time, and I am making progress, it just upset me, and got me feeling angry with her again. i know the only way to stop myself feeling like this is to get on with something constructive, and there's stuff I really ought to be doing, it's just that old thing about motivation again isn't it.


.
Lost Sheep - I hear ya, the dreams can be the worst. However, I found that they were helpful inthe long run- it was like my brain needed to purge itself of the thoughts that things could be the way they were. I'd wake up, and as much as it hurt to realize reality- it reinforced my need to move on. Stay strong and love yourself.

Faery-Wings
January 2nd, 2006, 08:51 AM
Ember, Necro and Lost Sheep and everyone else.

forgive me please if this comes across preachy, b/c it is not meant that way. But since I am a bit older I have tons of experience is life's crap and how it plays into your self image and self esteem.

Anyway, (and this is one of my life lessons I am working on- but I am dealing and coming along with it) when life sucks the big one- and it does- we need to look at ourselves deeply. What do we fear? What is the darkness in our lives? How do we overcome?
Fear in itself is terrifying- compound that with lowered resilience due to depression- well, that is really hard. However, to move past the abyss, you have to look around and see where you are and why.
Then you have to tell yourself that you are **strong** even if you don't believe it.

Another trick i learned in therapy is the "what if game." i tend to catastrophize , well, just about everything when I am depressed and anxious. I would say, OMG, I didn't have time to clean my house (big thing for me). So-....... what if it doesn't get done? End of the world? no. What if I don't vaccuum for a wek? DYFS will take my kids? No. It is a really good tool for putting the insurmountable obstacles into perpective.

And the one other thing I have learned is that even when you are living through hell itself, one you willlook back and say, wow, I made it. And hell made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. No- you might not look back and laugh, you might not look back and be happy youmade it through. But you will know that you did what you once thought was impossible.


Enough of my ramblings. And sending lots of hugs and the knowledge that you *are* strong.

LostSheep
January 2nd, 2006, 09:06 AM
Thank you for your kind words, Faery-Wings, I think that's just what I do, thinking about the worst thing that might happen; for instance, something I'm worried about now, this essay that has to be in by like, Wednesday or whenever... i sit down and look at it and think, 'wtf? what do i know about any of this'? then I'll try to think about it rationally and think, well, I know about this, I know about that, I can talk convincingly enough about this, so what the hell, just write it down as it comes to you, don't worry about it in advance. I think for me, rather than helping, thinking about things carefully in advance makes me more anxious because I worry about what might go wrong or convince myself that i can't do it.

And i think that's what's happening about the other thing, you know what i think about most of the time; I think my mind is working through it all and maybe, just maybe, at the end of it I'll be able to finally accept that it is over. i just need to convince myself that there are things worth looking forward to, and don't dwell so much on the worst things that might happen.

thanks for all your support, love you all.

:boing:

Karissma
January 2nd, 2006, 11:14 AM
hi Im Tonya, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and bipolar this past September. I am now on Effexor and Abilify. I am also on a low doseage of valium for my anxiety attacks, the kind that make me feel like im having a heart attack. My life is so up and down. My emotions run high. I dont fully have a grasp on reality at times. And I am a self hurter.

I have suffered from depression since my early teen years when I first tried to commit suicide. I then bounced around in my own little psychotic world without any meds or help for the longest time. Occasionally hurting myself but never getting to the full suicide part.

Alot of people I come across dont really believe I have depression, because I have such a "fake front" I put on. I can smile even though I want to cry buckets. I can smile even though my chest is hurting and an anxiety attack is striking. People dont see, or know the real me.

LostSheep
January 2nd, 2006, 03:22 PM
Just out of curiousty, over in Just Talk there's a thread about inspirational advice of varying degrees of helpfulness.

i was just wondering if anyone does ever feel isnpired by this kind of stuff?

Does advice like
If your life isn't the way you want it, then quit whining and make it the life you want to have
make anyone feel any better? I can't say it makes me want to throw off my worries with a happy smile and step out into the bright sunshiny future. I didn't want to say anything over there because i didn't want to spoil the thread, but is anyone else inspired by this kind of thing?

Deranged Hermit
January 2nd, 2006, 04:52 PM
Sorry, nevermind, carry on

Deranged Hermit
January 5th, 2006, 10:51 AM
Sometimes I think I need a vacation, and yet at the same time, I know that what I need a vacation from isn't something around me, it's within me, so what I really need is a vacation from myself...does anyone else ever feel that way?

Earthy
January 5th, 2006, 11:48 AM
Oh frequently DH :hugz:
I often used to think that i wanted to run away, but how do you run away from yourself?

wintermagick
January 5th, 2006, 12:07 PM
Oh frequently DH :hugz:
I often used to think that i wanted to run away, but how do you run away from yourself?

Very true.

LostSheep
January 5th, 2006, 12:30 PM
yeah, i know exactly what you mean ... I know what's wrong with my mind, if it was anyone else I'd have no problem telling them what they ought to do, but my mind just can't let go of the things that make me anxious ... i just wish i could get away from my mind sometimes ... it's like, annoying .....

Faery-Wings
January 5th, 2006, 01:26 PM
Oh yes, DH. I know exactly what you mean. And Earthy, there are days I want to just literally jump out of my skin and run- and I know if I start running I will *never* stop.

mystyheart
January 5th, 2006, 02:41 PM
I don't have time to read through the whole thread right now, but this looks like a wonderful idea! I feel like I'm just trying to jump into this group mid-startup, though -- I hope that's ok.

I just took the quiz that was linked earlier and I scored an 81. :( I kinda new I was on a down time though. I have the highs and lows that go along with bi-polar. Did a stint in the hospital for week a couple of years back and that did --- nothing. Didn't help at all. I've been on various meds over the years but currently I'm not taking any. I *hate* the way they make me feel. I tend to self-medicate lately --- I *know* that's not good.

Ug, gotta go do some more mommy pretending --- that's the saddest part of feeling this way. I *love* my kids to death, but I don't feel like I'm doing the best job at times.

LostSheep
January 5th, 2006, 03:10 PM
hey there, the folks here are really supportive, I'm sure you'll, i was going to say I'm sure you'll have fun, but you know what I mean ... _inabox_

I think I'm bi-polar too (I haven't been diagnozed it, but it would seem to fit with how I am), i have to be very careful because the slightest thing can tip me over, but I think at least knowing what's happening is a step in the right direction.

i know exactly what you mean about the meds, I don't want to rely on them and want to find other ways to deal with it too.

Have an entirely gratuitous :hugz: .

Earthy
January 5th, 2006, 03:56 PM
Welcome hon :hugz:
I don't take meds either and just like LostSheep, it can take the slightest thing to tip me over the edge.
I can feel fantastic one minute and the stupidest thing can take me plunging to my own personal hell.
I've been suicidal in the past, and i know for a fact that if it wasn't for Jade, i wouldn't be here now..she kept me going on some days by the tips of my fingers..when the rest of me wanted to leave.
Though, i truly know what you mean about pretending to be happy, all the smiling on the outside but crying inside,I think i have a lake of tears inside that have never been shed.
It's funny how i can cry over things on tv, or things in other people's lives, yet when it comes to my own i remain dry eyed.

I often used to ask myself, does it take courage to end my life, or does it take more courage to live?

LostSheep
January 5th, 2006, 04:54 PM
hey Earthy, I know what you mean there ... I've felt like that too ... I've thought sometimes that it would just be such a relief to not wake up in the morning ... not to have to go through it all again ... but I couldn't do that to the people who'd miss me ... my friends at college ... my dad ... my friends here ... it takes courage to face each day sometimes, but that's what always kept me going, what it would do to more people than you might think ...

Everything has an effect on something, after all ... and someone somewhere would feel it like a kick in the teeth if i ever gave in to those thoughts, that's what I told myself.

Goddess Rhiannon
January 5th, 2006, 05:10 PM
I have not forgotten about any of you....I have been put on medication and it is taking me awhile to get used to it....the doctor says it could take several weeks....the stuff feels strange....so I am taking it slow....I am tired alot of the time...so that is what I have been doing....sleeping.....

Karissma
January 5th, 2006, 05:11 PM
there are many days I too feel like I am nothing more than the grime on the bottom of someones shoe. I dont feel like a person, I feel like this big fat lazy depressed blob of a person. Not really here nor there. Those are the days I stay in bed, dreading the world.

Earthy
January 5th, 2006, 05:16 PM
Goddess Rhiannon..i've been keeping the thread warm for you hon :hugz:
You just take your time and let the meds start working, and sleep when you need to.
We're all ready and waiting when you come back :hugz:

Earthy
January 5th, 2006, 05:19 PM
there are many days I too feel like I am nothing more than the grime on the bottom of someones shoe. I dont feel like a person, I feel like this big fat lazy depressed blob of a person. Not really here nor there. Those are the days I stay in bed, dreading the world.

Oh Karissma :hugz:
You are so much more than that..but my gods that's how i used to describe myself too!!!
I wish i could just wrap my arms around you and tell you that things won't always be this way :hugz:

LostSheep
January 5th, 2006, 05:23 PM
:hugz: for you, GoddessRhiannon, for starting this lovely thread ... and you Earthy, for all your hard work :hugz: , hell, and :hugz: for evreyone here ...

... I'm just so damn :hugz: y aren't I ....

Earthy
January 5th, 2006, 05:28 PM
Aw shucks, Goddess Rhiannon deserves all the thanks, i just post because i have been depressed in the past and just want to help, if i can.
But you can never have too may hugs :)
Here's some for you too LostSheep :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Goddess Rhiannon
January 5th, 2006, 05:33 PM
Goddess Rhiannon..i've been keeping the thread warm for you hon :hugz:
You just take your time and let the meds start working, and sleep when you need to.
We're all ready and waiting when you come back :hugz:
thank you sweetie...I feel so out of it....this zoloft is kicking my ass....

wintermagick
January 5th, 2006, 06:44 PM
I have not forgotten about any of you....I have been put on medication and it is taking me awhile to get used to it....the doctor says it could take several weeks....the stuff feels strange....so I am taking it slow....I am tired alot of the time...so that is what I have been doing....sleeping.....

I was really sleepy too for about the first week (I take Lexapro). I don't have that problem now, and I've been on it for four weeks now. I feel *SO* much better... for the first time in years I feel like "myself" again. The problem is... does this mean I'll have to be on this stuff the rest of my life to be functioning with all of my cylinders???????

wintermagick
January 5th, 2006, 06:47 PM
:hugz: for you, GoddessRhiannon, for starting this lovely thread ... and you Earthy, for all your hard work :hugz: , hell, and :hugz: for evreyone here ...

... I'm just so damn :hugz: y aren't I ....

:lol:

But I second what you just said. Thanks so much to EVERYONE here... my lovely MW family!

Necrosapien
January 6th, 2006, 03:44 AM
No, you shouldn't have to be on it for all your years. After a while, your body will "learn" to be happy, and with the right meds and treatment, your body does this faster than with just one or the other or none. If you stay on your meds for (not a doctor but I've heard this before) for a couple years after everything is fully functional, stable, and healthy, it will help to cement in your new frame of being...hope that helps...

-Necro C:-=

Faery-Wings
January 6th, 2006, 07:35 AM
I was on Prozac for PPD for a bout a year. I came off very slowly and did fine. I have been on Zoloft for almost two years., and while I have no issues being on it, I also see no need ATM, to come off it.

IMHO, the key to getting off meds is to figure out why you were depressed/anxious in the first place. Yeah, that is reeeeaaal easy. ha ha. *said with huge sarcasm from someone who has spent the last two years in therapy, is now out of treatment b/c of $$, but still needs to be in therapy*

Anyway-I feel that the meds help you "get it together" and to be able to function in your daily life. They also can help you get the mental ability to work on the issues that are causing the depression in the first place.

Obviously, this is directed to people with more of a situational chem. imbalance, rather than those with an organic one (bipolar/schizophrenia for ex)

Hubby has been on just about every med known to mankind inthe last two years and someimes I feel like a walkign PDR. So if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, If I don't know, thenI can point you inthe direction of some good websites to help you out.

Karissma
January 6th, 2006, 08:19 AM
Ty Earthy!! So sweet and kind you are. I certainly know Im not that person, but it surely feels that way alot of the time. Ty for the hugs.

Haerfest Leah
January 6th, 2006, 10:23 AM
deleted

Karissma
January 6th, 2006, 12:26 PM
*hugs* Keeping a journal is something I have done for a long time to track my depression. I have yet to figure out what exactly depresses me or if I have, I have subconciously buried it beneath it all.

I hope you find a way to deal with yours thats right for you hun. *hugs*

LostSheep
January 6th, 2006, 02:46 PM
That seems a good idea that maybe I ought to try; though I think I know what's triggered my depression (this time, at any rate), I still think it'd be a good idea to be able to express what's going on inside my head, maybe putting it down, allowing myself to be angry, might help. I used to enjoy writing stuff but I haven't been able to get motivated to do it lately, maybe if I could get myself to concentrate on doing soemthing like that it might help to keep my mind occupied.

:hugz: to everyone.

Earthy
January 6th, 2006, 03:02 PM
I used to keep a diary but now when i'm low, i cannot even form the words to put on paper.
i have previously written some pretty dark poetry though, which is in the poetry forum somewhere.

Haerfest Leah
January 6th, 2006, 04:32 PM
deleted

DragonFan
January 6th, 2006, 10:47 PM
well i had bad experiences with depression but i have gotten over it and have gotten into a better experience instead of dwelling on that past stuff because
it's not me anymore but i have gotten through times when that has happened to me and i've gotten over the and i've decided to look towards the future instead of the past and i want a better life instead of acting different

Earthy
January 7th, 2006, 11:18 AM
Today i just feel like i want to cry or scream, or kick and throw things.
i can feel this great ball of anger wanting to be released and it hurts to keep it inside.
But i have to keep control of it, my bf gets pissed off when i go into depressive mode..so i've got to think happy thoughts.
A hug would be nice though.

Goddess Rhiannon
January 7th, 2006, 12:38 PM
You got it Earthy......thank you so much for being you....you mean so much to me....words could not even begin to express how much......I hope your day goes a bit better though. Many hugs and healing energy is being sent your way....my dear sweet friend.

Earthy
January 7th, 2006, 02:14 PM
Oh Goddess Rhiannon :hugz:
Thank you, and yes i have managed to calm down somewhat now :)
Thank you also for creating this thread hon :hugz:

Goddess Rhiannon
January 7th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Oh Goddess Rhiannon :hugz:
Thank you, and yes i have managed to calm down somewhat now :)
Thank you also for creating this thread hon :hugz:
I am glad you are feeling a wee bit better.....

Haerfest Leah
January 7th, 2006, 03:50 PM
HUGS Earthy :hugz:

And my husband gets irritated when I go into my depressive or irritated/angry moods too.

Earthy
January 7th, 2006, 03:57 PM
:hugz: Seapearls.
It's really difficult isn't it, when all you need is support and maybe a little understanding and a hug, but instead you get their bad moods..which ends up with you feeling even worse!

johenn123
January 7th, 2006, 04:31 PM
I tend to panick about stuff in life and it keeps me awake and I can't concentrate, I also feel depressed with my situations at school.

Karissma
January 7th, 2006, 05:58 PM
*superdupercuddliesnuggliehugs for Earthy*

Earthy
January 7th, 2006, 07:11 PM
Oh, thankyou so much Karissma :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Jolixte
January 7th, 2006, 07:58 PM
I want my boyfriend to come home. I miss him. *whine*

LostSheep
January 8th, 2006, 04:43 AM
Today i just feel like i want to cry or scream, or kick and throw things.
i can feel this great ball of anger wanting to be released and it hurts to keep it inside.
But i have to keep control of it, my bf gets pissed off when i go into depressive mode..so i've got to think happy thoughts.
A hug would be nice though.
Oh I'm sorry i didn't look in here earlier, have a :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Hope things are beginning to look up.

_wedgie_

Earthy
January 8th, 2006, 05:08 AM
Yea, i'm feeling back to my positive self again now, thankyou :hugz:
it was just one of my negative blips, set off by a "discussion" with my bf :lol:
But i'm feeling lots better this morning :)
:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Faery-Wings
January 8th, 2006, 09:00 AM
Glad that you are feeling better.

One thing I learned in treatment for my ED was when the anger comes through, it has to be let out in some way or the other. One girl in group was angry at a man who had abused her. She wrote a letter to him, read it out loud to us. Then we threw it around the room, kicked it stomped on it, spit on it and then ran it through the paper shedder. It was extremeely cathartic to the girl and she was surrounded by people who cared and helped her get her anger out in a more postive way than making herself throw up.

Another technique we learned was when journaling is to hard or too overwhenling (that pressure to make sense!) scribbling works wonders. Grab paper and perhaps a crayon- the pencils tend to break and a pen rips the paper- and just scribble! Hard!

Again, a great yet safe way to let some of the anger and pressure out.

Hugs to you darlin'

Karissma
January 8th, 2006, 10:18 AM
thats great advice...sometimes I get so angry...and hurt, and I cant get my feelings out. Thats when I tend to get to the point I hurt myself, Ill pull my hair out, bang my head on the floor or wall or even scratch myself really hard. :(

LostSheep
January 8th, 2006, 10:26 AM
Yes, i think that's soemthing i need to work on too. I get so damn confused, i try to hate her, because I think i need to let it out, but i feel guilty about that, because I think she maybe still cares for me a bit, so that makes me feel just as bad as before. I really really need to get involved in creative stuff a bit more, I use to write a lot but I just haven't been able to get mnotivated to do that lately - it's the same with college work. So yeah, I think I need to work on the anger - maybe I need to let myself get angry.

:hugz: to everyone.

And :boing: .

Thistle
January 8th, 2006, 08:06 PM
Even though I haven't read all of this thread yet, I'm glad it's here. For most of my life, I've been struggling with depression. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and my dad died when I was 13. In my early 20's, I saw a counselor for about a year, took Elavil for awhile, and it seemed to be under control. After my daughter was born, I suffered from what I now believe was mild post-partum depression, but it was undiagnosed, and seemed to get better on its own.

I'm in my mid-fifties now. About 3 years ago, my daughter stopped speaking to me, and refuses to have anything to do with any of her family, essentially throwing us away. Things she believes to be true are, in fact, not. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive to both her dad and me. At this point, I don't even know where she is. This has been the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.

I have gone back to another counselor, and have been taking meds, first Paxil, which pooped out on me, and now Prozac, for a couple of years. I have mixed feelings about the meds. On one hand, they help, but on the other hand, if you can't feel your grief, how can you get past it? I wanted to have a family so much, and this is what I have instead. . . hurt and sadness, disappointment and heartbreak.

I know how to get over a significant other, but how do you pick up the pieces of a shattered life and "get over" your only child? How can I *not* be depressed? I have to stop now.

Happy Shrew
January 9th, 2006, 01:48 AM
Aww, that IS rough. *hugs* Lots of relationships can be changed or ended, but never that between parent and child.

That's what makes it so hard. Some people will do absolutely anything for family, and others will leave at the slightest inconvenience. I'm sure you've seen both ends of the spectrum, but you can't choose how your daughter is in that respect. Misunderstanding only makes it messier.

Things like this can only really be handled in one way - one day at a time.

Faery-Wings
January 9th, 2006, 07:25 AM
thats great advice...sometimes I get so angry...and hurt, and I cant get my feelings out. Thats when I tend to get to the point I hurt myself, Ill pull my hair out, bang my head on the floor or wall or even scratch myself really hard. :(
The scribbling was mostly intended to help a woman whoo was a SI-er. Instead of taking the anger out on her body, she took it out on the paper. I hope you try it and find that it helps.
So yeah, I think I need to work on the anger - maybe I need to let myself get angry.

I think that most of us forget that we are allowed to feel anger. It is ok to be angry. It is what we do with the anger that can be either positive or negative. It brings you back to the statement- Depression is anger turned inward. It often is very true.

I am trying to think of some other anger realeasing techniques we discussed. Eating disorders often have a strong root in anger. I would not eat, numbing my emotions and basically starving the anger of life. People who purge keep the anger bottled up, eat to bury it and then throw up to get rid of it.

I remember- stomping on bubble wrap, the scribbling, punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow.journaling... when I think if any others I'll post back.

Faery-Wings
January 9th, 2006, 07:26 AM
Even though I haven't read all of this thread yet, I'm glad it's here.
.
Me too. Hang in there and like HappyShrew said, one day at a time....
:huddle:

Haerfest Leah
January 9th, 2006, 10:01 AM
:hugz: Seapearls.
It's really difficult isn't it, when all you need is support and maybe a little understanding and a hug, but instead you get their bad moods..which ends up with you feeling even worse!

Yep, like we might as well just keep everything all bottled up for the sake of not making the men see we have weakeness and require them to use some of that stuff called feeling oh no.:)

LostSheep
January 9th, 2006, 12:28 PM
hey, let's not go down the sexual stereotyping road ... we're not all insensitive buffoons .... :)

Earthy
January 9th, 2006, 03:32 PM
You are the exception LostSheep :hugz:

Thistle
January 9th, 2006, 05:43 PM
Things like this can only really be handled in one way - one day at a time.

True. Sometimes, one day at a time is too much, it's more like one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. Anybody else ever feel like that?

You hold on and get through it until it's better, but it's not easy.

Necrosapien
January 10th, 2006, 04:16 AM
I feel like this all the time...except I don't really see myself as getting through it...I'm just there for...well the ride. I'm not doing much to help myself minute by minute or second by second...I fell as though someone's doing it for me. Trying to fix this and work my way up. I've started looking into Buddhism after *tear* "leaving" Christianity...I can hope and wish and pray to maybe return to it someday, but there are going to have to be a lot more changes before I get there...and it will never be the same faith as my family, regardless of if it shares the same name. I only wish to return toward the ignorance, as it was bliss...perhaps I can return to the bliss but without the ignorance...

Faery-Wings
January 10th, 2006, 07:25 AM
True. Sometimes, one day at a time is too much, it's more like one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. Anybody else ever feel like that?

You hold on and get through it until it's better, but it's not easy.
I used to try to get myself through mini-goals- 10 minutes sometimes. I would just put everything on hold for 10 minutes and see if I could make it through.
And yeah, I am still here.


What I hate most is how I struggle to be -not even *happy* per se-- but *stable.* And there is all of the crap around me that brings me down.
Like my family had a really nice, fun and relaxing weekend. I thought hubby was doing better, healthwise, and would be getting back to work, which would life a ton and a half of worry and fear. Sunday night, I go to bed, hopeful for the fiture (I HATE hope!) and no go.... back down into the land of misery, worry, and anxiety....
I hate being on someone else's rollercoaster and not knowing how to get off. Or having the only way off not the right answer at the time. :(

Karissma
January 10th, 2006, 08:35 AM
wow thats so me too Faery-Wings. I am just happy to be stable, not have a breakdown for the day.

Lately I just seem to be in a blah mood, not happy, nor particularly sad either. Just sorta there.

But I can feel something building. I just hope its not another breakdown. :(

mystyheart
January 13th, 2006, 12:44 AM
I'm feeling horribly depressed this evening. I think when I have computer time tomorrow I'm going to read through this whole thread and try to hang out here more often.

I think I'm getting to discombobulated trying to keep up with so many different discussions.

:hugz:

Blessings, y'all,

DragonFan
January 13th, 2006, 12:49 AM
i felt the exact same way once as you did but i have gotten over it and i put it in the past but i didn't even think about it at all.but now i feel much better playing my N64 games and it makes me feel good in the inside.

mystyheart
January 13th, 2006, 01:28 PM
Feeling better today. Hope you all are well,

Karissma
January 13th, 2006, 01:30 PM
*hugs mystyheart tightly* Glad you are having a better day today. As for me, besides having a dream I cant seem to stop thinking about, im doing fairly alright. No severe breakdowns.

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 02:08 PM
:hugz: karissma...i hope your day continues to go well.
As for me..i'm on the edge of another dark period, just clinging to the clifftop by sheer willpower i think, but one gust of wind will send me spiralling down to the darkness.

Brenda
January 13th, 2006, 02:15 PM
:hugz: karissma...i hope your day continues to go well.
As for me..i'm on the edge of another dark period, just clinging to the clifftop by sheer willpower i think, but one gust of wind will send me spiralling down to the darkness.
aww sweetie :hugz: just don't give up, tomorrow is another day, and you'll feel differently. Think happy thoughts

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 02:28 PM
I battle on, and am determined not to give in because there are people in worse situations than me, and people who need me.
I hope you're feeling okay too brenda:hugz:

Karissma
January 13th, 2006, 02:55 PM
*hugs Earthy* Dont let it get the best of you. Find that inner peace that can get you through. Find some happiness within. Its there, just sometimes we are so down and out we are blind to it. Look deep hun. *hugs*

Brenda
January 13th, 2006, 03:01 PM
I battle on, and am determined not to give in because there are people in worse situations than me, and people who need me.
I hope you're feeling okay too brenda:hugz:
Everyone needs you honey, but don't forget, we're here for you too :hugz:
And yeah, am feeling a little better than yesterday

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 03:21 PM
Everyone needs you honey, but don't forget, we're here for you too :hugz:
And yeah, am feeling a little better than yesterday

Yea, i know i have much support here, but i don't like to burden others with my problems...i am meant to be making people feel better not bringing them down :)
I'm glad you're feeling a little better hon,my :hugz: are always here for you.

Brenda
January 13th, 2006, 03:32 PM
but i don't like to burden others with my problems...i am meant to be making people feel better not bringing them down :)

Everyone needs to get things of their chest every once in a while.
Don't keep it all to yourself, that's not healthy.
If you want to talk, then talk, you'll feel much better afterwards.
And don't think that you're burdening others with your problems.
We're all here to help each other, and that works in 2 ways :hugz:

LostSheep
January 13th, 2006, 03:34 PM
:hugz: karissma...i hope your day continues to go well.
As for me..i'm on the edge of another dark period, just clinging to the clifftop by sheer willpower i think, but one gust of wind will send me spiralling down to the darkness.
Hey ... I know what that's like. Maybe if it helps, just think that things go down ... but they'll look up again. You'll get through it, just keep holding on .... :hugz:

And you're not meant to be helping others, Earthy ... you do it out of the goodness of your heart. You don't have to do it ... but we're all so glad that you do.

_pounce_

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 03:35 PM
I know, and thankyou :hugz:
I guess it's difficult to open up, when you've bottled things up for years though.
Oh and being a secretive scorpio doesn't help either :lol:

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 03:38 PM
Hey ... I know what that's like. Maybe if it helps, just think that things go down ... but they'll look up again. You'll get through it, just keep holding on .... :hugz:

And you're not meant to be helping others, Earthy ... you do it out of the goodness of your heart. You don't have to do it ... but we're all so glad that you do.

_pounce_

i do it because i like to...i want people to feel they're being heard and not alone, that somebody cares, even if that somebody is only me.
And yea, i know it will get better..i just had feeling like i'm on a see-saw..one minute up, and never knowing when the next down is going to hit.
But i know it will pass :hugz:
Thank you hon..i'm glad you're here too :hugz:

Karissma
January 13th, 2006, 04:54 PM
Thank you for caring about me Earthy. *hugs*

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 05:15 PM
Oh, of course i care Karissma.
Sometimes, i read something you say, and the words could have come from me.:hugz:

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 05:26 PM
I feel so mad at myself tonight.
I just need to get this off my chest.

I have been doing so well,losing weight then i put on about 12lb over xmas..well i lost 5lb of that but tonight..i'm so disgusted with myself.
I have just gone into major binge mode, i feel so sick and revolted with myself.I just haven't stopped eating..i'm so fat and i look at my stomach and feel nothing but repulsion with myself.
My heart is racing and yet i know if i go in the kitchen i'll eat more.My head just seems to turned a switch on, telling me to "eat,eat,eat" even though my stomach is telling me to stop!
I'd make myself sick but i have a phobia of throwing up!
i just feel like i've wasted all the good work of the past week, all the sessions at the gym were for nothing..and i've let myself down.
I'm nothing but a big, fat pig!!!!!

Anyway, rant over...normal transmission has resumed.

Karissma
January 13th, 2006, 05:30 PM
you are not a pig, and you are only human, you are allowed to have a downfall during a diet hun. Its natural. *hugs ya tightly* I wish I could take your pain away. :(

Earthy
January 13th, 2006, 05:34 PM
I know..i just feel like i've let myself down.
I lost 70lb last year..and now i just can't find the willpower to lose the rest. i still have about 70lb to go.
Thankyou hon :hugz:
I'll get over it...just disappointed in myself i think.

Brenda
January 13th, 2006, 06:02 PM
Aww honey, don't be disappointed, it's normal to feel this when you're already feeling down.
But don't be angry at yourself for this.
It's easier to be on a diet when you feel better, and when you feel better, the image of yourself will change too.
So don't worry sweetie :hugz:

RunningBear
January 15th, 2006, 02:46 PM
I read this thread right through and it seems like I can relate to a lot of the things people have said. I've had my share of depressive episodes too. Lot's of minor ones and three really big ones. I'm working my way out of a big one now. This one was the deepest and darkest of them all by far. So bad in fact that I've been off work for 7 months :(

In the past my treatment was much the same as anyone else's. Take some anti-depressants and wait a few weeks. If they work everything is still the same but it doesn't hurt so much. If they don't, try a different one. I eventually settled on Prozac. I used to talk about it as if it was like wrapping my emotions in a blanket to protect them. I never regarded anti-depressants as a cure just a treatment for the symptoms.

This time though it's been different. To start with things were much the same but as well as taking Prozac my doctor told me about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). I think that it's this that has made the big difference. Such a big difference that I can now deal with things easily that I found unbearable just 7 months ago. Also I believe I now have the ability, given time and more practice, to deal with anything. In short I'm getting my life back for good.

Has anyone else come across CBT?

Qualified CBT therapists are hard to find but there are resources on the web and books that you can use to learn the skills and techniques yourself. Here are a couple that helped me.

Web site - http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/ - Recommended by my doctor. I found this a useful starting point but I got most benefit from Reading the book "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. The author himself has suffered from depression and writes in a way that is easy to relate to. Reading this book and practicing CBT has changed my life for ever. The book is still in print although I borrowed my copy from the local library :)

I still have some obstacles and challenges to overcome, (including an anxious trip to hospital tomorrow to get the results of my bone scan eek!) but I'm better prepared than ever for them now.

I hope this helps.

Necrosapien
January 15th, 2006, 05:14 PM
Well, I'm working on a lot of things. My depression is just weird. I'm not taking my meds...maybe I ought to, but I've been doing pretty damn well without them. I'm looking into Buddhism because I think that a lot of my problems stem from being too attatched to things...my ex...my personal possesions...etc. I'm Taurus...and I found that money IS a big deal to me...I can't have things NOT paid for which is why College kinda sucks. I have an insurance payment that isn't happening so my parents are floating me...and I do NOT like owing people money. But I'm trying to apply Buddhism to my life...I think it'll help...just the thought processes and philosophy will help sooo much. I'm a negative person, always critical of myself. Buddhism emphasizes everything I really want to be...do it just seems like too true of a fit. We'll see how things go, but I'm a bit hopeful.

Not much else to say...how's everyone else doing?

Deranged Hermit
January 19th, 2006, 02:12 PM
My emotions are all over the place lately, so rather than ramble how about a group hug? :huddle:

Earthy
January 19th, 2006, 02:20 PM
Well, i didn't get the job i wanted..all because of my mental illness.
Go me eh.

Karissma
January 19th, 2006, 03:43 PM
ummm thats not good sweetie
*hugs* You are in my thoughts

Karissma
January 19th, 2006, 03:44 PM
*hugs to Deranged Hermit*

Earthy
January 19th, 2006, 03:46 PM
Thanks hon :hugz:
I keep trying to tell myself that it just wasn't the job for me, and that something better will be along soon, but i still feel disappointed.
Hope you're feeling okay karissma :hugz:

DragonFan
January 19th, 2006, 03:50 PM
even i can't get a job either because of my disability and i think it totally stinks and unfair.i just want to find a decent job to get rid of my depression and i don't know how or why.i've tried applying all over my county and most of them never took me because they was stupid or pointless

mystyheart
January 19th, 2006, 03:52 PM
DragonFan & Earthy ~ Man, that *does* stink. You guys are in my thoughts.

mystyheart
January 19th, 2006, 03:54 PM
Still not had the time to hang out here like I want too. :( I want to catch up with everyone.

I'm busy getting ready to move --- we found a place!!! yea!!!

I think I'm going to be offline for a couple of weeks, but when I get back, I'm going to read all about the wonderful people in this thread and let y'all a little into my world.

:hugz: to everyone,

Garnet
January 19th, 2006, 03:58 PM
Three years ago, I turned 50 & my mortality hit me like a pile of bricks & I jumped into depression. I convinced myself that I was about to die. I slept on the living room sofa for three months so the people who came to collect my body wouldn't have to haul a gurney up my narrow stairs. I cried most of the time, & lived on chocolate & Diet Pepsi.
That's eased over time; I don't sleep on the sofa much any more.
I still struggle with random bouts of depression, & increasing anger & some paranoia. I know some (maybe a lot) is menopause. Because of a family history of ovarian cancer, I can't take HRT (& wouldn't if I could), & there are other issues.
I don't like taking medicine...Exedrin is as strong as I'm used to.
My Dad has been really angry since my Mum died, he's pretty much given up on being patient or polite. My biggest fear is that I'm going to end up a mean, rude old person like Dad.

Earthy
January 19th, 2006, 04:13 PM
:hugz: Garnet.
I'm pretty sure you won't end up like your dad has, because you are so aware that you don't want to. :hugz: :hugz:

I don't want to be like my mom..as much as i love her..and i will make sure i don't become like her too.
Paranoia is a kicker huh..my big obssession is death..it's hard to talk myself out of it once i begin obssessing.

DragonFan
January 19th, 2006, 04:35 PM
i just hate those jobs out there that just can't accept me because of my autism and i think it drives me nuts.i really want to kick some butt if they keep doing this to me.i really can't take it anymore i just want to earn some bloody money for a living and can't do that because places never take people with disabilitys and i really hate it.that's one thing that makes me feel hurt or sad but i wish they would accept people with disabilities but no they don't and it makes me mad about it.

mystyheart
January 19th, 2006, 04:52 PM
{{{{{{DragonFan}}}}}}} :hugz:

My 7-year-old son is autistic (he has Asperger's) and it is sad the way people treat him. When we're in public and he has an episode and I calm him down and redirect his energy (like I've been trained to at our local children's hospital) people look at me like I'm crazy. I've even had adults say, "What *he* needs is a good old fashioned spanking!"

People jump to conclusions, make assumptions and can be mean. I don't think they even know it at times.

Are there any agencies that could help you out?

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.

RunningBear
January 19th, 2006, 05:04 PM
My emotions are all over the place lately, so rather than ramble how about a group hug? :huddle:

Sounds good to me - hugs are good medicine :)
:huddle:

DragonFan
January 19th, 2006, 05:08 PM
i've tried those but they don't work at all and it's hard to find a decent job when i am having a hard time finding one.but i can't find a local agent that can help me get a decent job.i've been searching for almost 5 years and nothing is working out and people treat me like crap and it's totally rude and other places tell me you're not getting the job and stuff like that and it's really driving me insane and i can't stand it anymore it makes me feel bad that
others just need to hire people with anything but do they no way.it just drives me nuts and i really want a decent job and i don't know what it is causing me not to get one.

mystyheart
January 19th, 2006, 05:27 PM
:hugz: {{{{DraganFan}}}}

So sorry. :(

mystyheart
January 19th, 2006, 05:28 PM
Ok, I'm really out of here....

Gonna say goodbye around MW then log of.

Hope to see you all in a few weeks.

Blessings,

DragonFan
January 19th, 2006, 05:32 PM
even worse than that my family treats me like a little kid and i hate it when they do that to me.but i don't know why they do it but it's a sign of disrespect and rudeness.they've been driving me nuts for so long and can't stop putting me down it makes me feel terrible for the things they have done to me.

Karissma
January 20th, 2006, 10:51 PM
I'm so tired and fed up with life. So tired of people who treat me like shit. So tired of being lied to.
I feel a major breakdown coming on. :(

DragonFan
January 20th, 2006, 10:53 PM
that's not cool maybe you should be treated correctly instead of like that.

Earthy
January 21st, 2006, 03:50 AM
I'm so tired and fed up with life. So tired of people who treat me like shit. So tired of being lied to.
I feel a major breakdown coming on. :(

Hon, you know where i am if you want to vent or rant or rave..i just wish i could be there physically for you, to give you a hug.
:hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Goddess Rhiannon
January 21st, 2006, 02:08 PM
I'm so tired and fed up with life. So tired of people who treat me like shit. So tired of being lied to.
I feel a major breakdown coming on. :(
major hugs to you my friend....you are far from SHIT....you are GOLD in MY book !!!!!!

DragonFan
January 21st, 2006, 02:58 PM
don't feel that way i felt the same way you did but i was feeling miserable too
til i had to do something about my depression before it really drove me nuts

LostSheep
January 21st, 2006, 03:14 PM
major hugs to you my friend....you are far from SHIT....you are GOLD in MY book !!!!!!
Seconded.

:hugz:

Karissma
January 21st, 2006, 04:23 PM
ty folks. Just having a very stressful homelife right now. Ty for caring.

DragonFan
January 21st, 2006, 04:35 PM
you're welcome

RunningBear
January 21st, 2006, 04:40 PM
ty folks. Just having a very stressful homelife right now. Ty for caring.

Sorry you're feeling blue :( Have a hug :hugz: Hope things feel better soon.

Karissma
January 21st, 2006, 07:24 PM
ty Runningbear. *hugs*

mysticrayne
January 21st, 2006, 11:18 PM
WEll If ur so tired of it dont let anyone do it to u anymore. I too have been hurt and all of that and no joke I had a nerves break down, u have to light candles and pray for strentgh to get u through this feeling .... it will come to u that is for sure. If u need to talk get intouch with me Im always around/
Have a blessed evening

Karissma
January 27th, 2006, 02:27 PM
feeling down and out today, not sure if its because im sick, or because of other things I may have screwed up. Or it might just be stress. *shrugs* I just know im feeling awfully lonesome today.

Earthy
January 27th, 2006, 02:59 PM
:hugz: Karissma.
I was feeling a little like that yesterday..it will pass :hugz:

Karissma
February 3rd, 2006, 09:42 PM
I hate feeling like I am. I have started throwing up due to stress and overeating. :( Im scared for myself. I feel like im reaching bottom. Not sure how to make it back up.

RunningBear
February 4th, 2006, 02:10 AM
I hate feeling like I am. I have started throwing up due to stress and overeating. :( Im scared for myself. I feel like im reaching bottom. Not sure how to make it back up.

*sends more hugs" :hugz: Sounds like time for a bit of pampering or maybe just doing one thing you enjoy. Last time I hit rock bottom I just went to the lake and fed bread to the swans and watched the dagonflies. It made me realise that there are still some things that are wonderful :)

Earthy
February 4th, 2006, 02:24 PM
I agree RunningBear, when i'm feeling really bad..spending some time with nature always makes me feel better.
I love listening to the song birds.

:hugz: Karissma, i know it's not nice feeling as bad as this, and i wish i had a magical solution for you, all i can say is..though it feels never ending now, it will pass :hugz:
Mine do, even though at the time, i feel as if i'm in hell.

Delia_Marie
February 4th, 2006, 06:34 PM
Hi Kirissma

I suffer from depression a bit but if you ever need to chat please email me and I will try and give the best advise I can and I know what you mean about the loneliness. Take care and you will get stronger :smile:

Delia_Marie
February 4th, 2006, 06:36 PM
Sorry my email address is Discodiva2055@aol.com
So forgetful sometimes.

"Smile and the world smiles with you
cry and you cry alone"

Deranged Hermit
February 5th, 2006, 10:24 PM
:hugz: Karissma. Sometimes if I try to stay busy, keep my mind busy especially, then I don't feel as bad. I know there are no easy answers, though. Hang in there!

wintermagick
February 5th, 2006, 10:34 PM
Had to change meds again because the Paxil (which was one of the few our insurance was willing to cover) simply didn't work. We'll see if Celexa is any good now. Bottom up! :yikess:

Deranged Hermit
February 7th, 2006, 10:06 AM
The Zoloft seems to be working for me now. I feel a lot more neutral, anyways, not panic-stricken all the time. And the side effects have pretty much stopped, except that I seem to have a lot of short-term memory loss. My hubby lovingly calls it the doppler effect of my mind. (Here it comes....oops, there it goes):idea: :lol:
How's everyone else doing? :hugz: for everyone

Karissma
February 7th, 2006, 11:06 AM
gotta love AD's. They can make a world of difference for many people, in many different ways. *hugs DH and HS* Good luck on your meds.

LostSheep
February 7th, 2006, 11:13 AM
I dunno about drugs, i prefer to keep away from them, but I can say that having real friends who understand you and you can confide in can sometimes work better than any drugs.

you know who you are; thanks. :)

Earthy
February 7th, 2006, 02:20 PM
I'm glad you're feeling a little better DH :hugz:
Sometimes, i wish i could go on tablets just so i could get rid of this unhappy, emptiness inside..where i feel nothing and yet, feel everything. :(

Contra Mundum
February 7th, 2006, 02:54 PM
I'm glad you're feeling a little better DH :hugz:
Sometimes, i wish i could go on tablets just so i could get rid of this unhappy, emptiness inside..where i feel nothing and yet, feel everything. :(

A hug pile for my precious Earthy

:hugz:
:hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:


And for all of you who needs them too.

:hugz:
:hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:


I havenīt been depressed for a long long time,i feel so incredibly good.
Things can change,if you want them too.
Iīm living proof.

Deranged Hermit
February 11th, 2006, 08:55 AM
and that's not a suggestion, it's an order! _inabox_

Earthy
February 11th, 2006, 02:34 PM
I'm trying :)

LadyAquamarina
February 11th, 2006, 03:24 PM
Merry meet all. My name is Rachel. I have bipolar disorder, along with social anxiety. I went to therapy which has helped me to learn how to deal with life in a better manner and has helped me a lot. I am on Lexapro and Risperdal. I hope to make some friends that have some of the same problems as I do.

Earthy
February 11th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Hi rachel :hugz:
There are plenty of people who share here, so hopefully you will make friends.
I have bi polar,OCD and i'm sure i have social anxiety too.
I have struggles with both since i was 12 but, enough is enough and i am going to make a doctors appointment on monday.

Delia_Marie
February 11th, 2006, 03:35 PM
hi everyone

Hope everyone is feeling and looking good,

I suffer from depression and I am on citralopram and I find theses work a treat for me a, I have other issues as well as this but I am getting there slowly, my strenght to you all. be stong and you will get through it.
Delia_Marie

LostSheep
February 11th, 2006, 03:43 PM
Hi Delia, nice to see someone else from the UK. :) They're a lovely bunch here, you can share anything and there's always someone willing to help.

We give great :hugz: too.

just watch out for the fish. :fishsmack

Earthy
February 11th, 2006, 03:52 PM
Ugh!
I have just eaten so much that i wanna be sick!
i have controlled my eating for 2 or so weeks now, and tonight cos i am alone, i just went crazy...and now i feel ashamed.

LostSheep
February 11th, 2006, 04:01 PM
I can't give you another poke, Earthy, but I can give you a :hugz:

mystyheart
February 11th, 2006, 04:46 PM
:hugz: to Earthy.

mystyheart
February 11th, 2006, 04:49 PM
Merry meet all. My name is Rachel.


Hi, Rachel!

I'm bi-polar, ADHD (I always forget about that one) and a variety of other stuff. I've not been on meds in a while, but am pretty sure I should be.

I've not been able to hang out around MW as much as I'd like to, but I know the people here are a wonderful and supportive group. There's always someone with a hug or a good word whenever you need it.

Brightest,

Earthy
February 11th, 2006, 04:50 PM
Thanks for the hugs..you guys must be getting pretty sick of me by now :)

mystyheart
February 11th, 2006, 05:49 PM
For me, Earthy, the answer to that is... never, hon. :hugz:

Deranged Hermit
February 11th, 2006, 05:58 PM
Ugh!
I have just eaten so much that i wanna be sick!
i have controlled my eating for 2 or so weeks now, and tonight cos i am alone, i just went crazy...and now i feel ashamed.

No reason to feel ashamed. You're doing the best you can, that's all any of us can do. The beauty of it is, we all get to have a fresh start each day. :sunny:

mystyheart
February 12th, 2006, 08:40 AM
Well, this isn't starting off to be a good day.

I always feel like I'm being ignored or I've upset someone and I never know why. I try so hard to be friendly and helpful, but I feel like I'm always doing something wrong.

I make friends and then they just drift away and I wonder what I did....

Or I post a message on a website (like this) and everyone else gets responses, but my post seems to go un-noticed.

When I'm with my husband's family every time I open my mouth to speak, someone speaks over me. Literally EVERY time. They'll even ask me a question and cut me off when I'm in the middle of the first sentence trying to answer them. (so it's not like it's because I'm long winded or anything.)

Bleh. Sorry, I just feel like whining.

I'm away from my "hometown" in this new place (that I love - but it's still an adjustment) and maybe I'm just down. I'm uber-excited to finally feel free to be a free thinker and practice my own religion, but it's still hard to be away from all my family and friends. :(

AND - I put my kids in school last week after homeschooling them for 4 years.

Maybe too many changes at once, coupled with my depression?

Ok, sorry about the long whine. I feel a little better now.

pinsher6
February 12th, 2006, 09:21 AM
my dommate always complaint to me about the life... she do think if others are unhappy then she will be happy... i feel feed up with her...she always made me depressed...

mystyheart
February 12th, 2006, 09:46 AM
{{{{pinsher6}}}}

So sorry, I know that has to be the pits. We count on our friends, mates, family, etc., to lift us up and it stinks when we don't feel like they are.

Sending you lots of happy and peaceful energy.

Brightest,

mystyheart
February 12th, 2006, 12:27 PM
Hhhheeeeelllllllooooooo (echos).......

Anybody around? :)

RunningBear
February 12th, 2006, 01:04 PM
Hhhheeeeelllllllooooooo (echos).......

Anybody around? :)

Yes but it's only me :wave:

Brenda
February 12th, 2006, 02:00 PM
I thought I was hearing an echo :lol:

mystyheart
February 12th, 2006, 06:31 PM
Well, sure then, people go and show up when my hubby takes over the computer for his "WoW" fix. LoL

Oh, well,

:hugz:

mystyheart
February 14th, 2006, 09:14 AM
http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d54/cstawarz/calendar_february_hearts_sm_nwm.gif

Deranged Hermit
February 14th, 2006, 10:18 AM
What a cute image Mysty! Happy Valentine's Day! :hearthear

Earthy
February 14th, 2006, 02:12 PM
Happy Valentines :hugz:
I saw the doctor today, and have been prescribed some anti depressants.I don't usually like taking tablets but i can't cope with my non stop thoughts at the moment, so i'll try anything.

Brenda
February 14th, 2006, 02:53 PM
Happy Valentines :hugz:
I saw the doctor today, and have been prescribed some anti depressants.I don't usually like taking tablets but i can't cope with my non stop thoughts at the moment, so i'll try anything.
:hugz: it'll be alright sweetie :hugz:

mystyheart
February 14th, 2006, 03:05 PM
:hugz: Earthy

LostSheep
February 14th, 2006, 03:09 PM
I don't like pills myself but the important thing right now is to get on top of things. If they help to do that that's the most important thing.

:hugz: Earthy.