Locke
January 3rd, 2006, 04:00 PM
It's been a long time since I have posted on Mystic Wicks. That's because I've been having a bout with my faith for about a year now, and I almost lost that battle. I'd like to say that there was something that helped me overcome my struggle, but there wasn't. On Yule, I suddenly started practicing a ritual, without provocation, and since then I've constantly apologized to the Goddess for my doubt and neglect.
Since I regained my faith, I've been on what I've considered a path to redemption. In the old days, I never had true faith in any ritual, spell, or prayer; there was always some whisper of "this can't work." So, things usually didn't work. Of course, I've never been an avid practicioner of witchcraft, but even in prayer there was a deep, toxic doubt.
On the night of Yule, or perhaps the night after, I had a dream that worried me greatly at the time, but I had almost forgotten about it until today. I have a dog named Blackberry; his name is one which I give only to my closest animal companions, and he is only the second to be given that name. Obviously, he is one of, if not the most important creature in the world to me.
In my dream, I was sleeping on the couch, which is where I sleep when I want someone to wake me up in case anything important happens, as in times of crisis or when I simply have a bad feeling about something. My mother woke me up and told me Blackberry was dying. There was nothing I could do, but I had just enough time to say goodbye, and to watch him die a slow, painful death of a cause I did not know and could not prevent. I awoke from the dream in deep distress, and I feared that it might have been a premonition of a tragedy.
This morning, my father woke me up and told me he could not find Blackberry. He was nowhere to be found in the house, so he sent me to search for him in the neighborhood. My thoughts were of the dream--of being powerless to save him, and not knowing what could be happening to him. When I did not find him in my immediate neighborhood, fear and sadness overtook me in a cruel wave.
I prayed to the Goddess as I continued my search. I told her that, although I had neglected her and had no right to ask anything of her, Blackberry was innocent and I loved him too much to see anything happen to him. As I prayed, there was no doubt that I was being heard. I did not know for sure if I could convince the Goddess to help, but for the first time in my life, I prayed and knew beyond a fraction of the doubt that someone was actually listening.
As far as three cul-de-sacs away, I saw my companion. He had been stopped just short of a dangerous, blind corner by an attraction to bush that seemed to be blossoming out of season. As soon as he saw me, he ran right to me and we walked back home together. He was out of breath, but unharmed.
I was almost in tears as I thanked the Goddess for saving my beloved canine. I told her I had no idea how to repay her, but I would find a way. As I was hugging my dog in the safety of our home, I felt a soothing chill on my shoulders. I think the Goddess was telling me she forgave me, and that I should learn to forgive myself.
For the record, I still plan to repay her.
Blessed be!
Locke
Since I regained my faith, I've been on what I've considered a path to redemption. In the old days, I never had true faith in any ritual, spell, or prayer; there was always some whisper of "this can't work." So, things usually didn't work. Of course, I've never been an avid practicioner of witchcraft, but even in prayer there was a deep, toxic doubt.
On the night of Yule, or perhaps the night after, I had a dream that worried me greatly at the time, but I had almost forgotten about it until today. I have a dog named Blackberry; his name is one which I give only to my closest animal companions, and he is only the second to be given that name. Obviously, he is one of, if not the most important creature in the world to me.
In my dream, I was sleeping on the couch, which is where I sleep when I want someone to wake me up in case anything important happens, as in times of crisis or when I simply have a bad feeling about something. My mother woke me up and told me Blackberry was dying. There was nothing I could do, but I had just enough time to say goodbye, and to watch him die a slow, painful death of a cause I did not know and could not prevent. I awoke from the dream in deep distress, and I feared that it might have been a premonition of a tragedy.
This morning, my father woke me up and told me he could not find Blackberry. He was nowhere to be found in the house, so he sent me to search for him in the neighborhood. My thoughts were of the dream--of being powerless to save him, and not knowing what could be happening to him. When I did not find him in my immediate neighborhood, fear and sadness overtook me in a cruel wave.
I prayed to the Goddess as I continued my search. I told her that, although I had neglected her and had no right to ask anything of her, Blackberry was innocent and I loved him too much to see anything happen to him. As I prayed, there was no doubt that I was being heard. I did not know for sure if I could convince the Goddess to help, but for the first time in my life, I prayed and knew beyond a fraction of the doubt that someone was actually listening.
As far as three cul-de-sacs away, I saw my companion. He had been stopped just short of a dangerous, blind corner by an attraction to bush that seemed to be blossoming out of season. As soon as he saw me, he ran right to me and we walked back home together. He was out of breath, but unharmed.
I was almost in tears as I thanked the Goddess for saving my beloved canine. I told her I had no idea how to repay her, but I would find a way. As I was hugging my dog in the safety of our home, I felt a soothing chill on my shoulders. I think the Goddess was telling me she forgave me, and that I should learn to forgive myself.
For the record, I still plan to repay her.
Blessed be!
Locke