Little Pagan Lost

[mystic_peacock]

Hello again! It's been awhile since I've come to this forum. I got a job and had finals and all of that stuff so I didn't have too much free time.

Anyway. I am feeling extrememly lost right now. I am posting this in New Pagans because I guess I am going to consider myself a newbie again... since it feels like I didn't learn the fundamentals of practice when I began a few years ago (since I'm not allowed to seek teachers or practice in my home and books I buy are looked at with suspicion or humor even).

I find that whenever something goes on in my life, my path is the first thing that suffers. I still talk to Hecate at night and thank Her for Her protection, and I still look to the gods when something is wrong (which makes me feel guilty... :( ) But I don't know how to regulary DO stuff. Does that make sense? I don't do rituals, I often forget about holidays until after they have passed, my ability to journey through meditation has diminished completely, I don't FEEL spiritual anymore and it is making me sad. But I no longer know where to begin.

In my senior year of high school (I'm a college sophomore now), Hecate made Her presence known to me. And through Her I discovered other Greek deities I liked. But how to make connections with them if I cannot even meditate anymore? And now I am feeling conflicted because my heritage is Irish and I have been feeling a pull in that direction or in the direction of the Faerie Green Witch path... BUT I am scared. I don't know what to do.

I feel really lost and the sadness usually doesn't hit me until nighttime when I realize I say the same thanks every night but never show my true devotion through ritual. Or it hits when I look out the window into nature and know that something is missing.

I know that this all could be solved by just putting it on my to-do list. But I am scared. Scared of doing rituals at home because I've set off the fire alarm before with my candles and I can't afford to get caught. I don't want to get caught. And I think I am scared of what will happen if I fully give myself up to any deity. I am very happy with the rest of my life---I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I want to stay with forever, we are meant to be... I am pursuing a wonderful career in art.. and I guess part of me fears that I will lose these other things if a certain deity chooses me. Hecate alredy chose me but I think She might be tired of me not doing anything worth a damn.

:(

If you want to email me my email is AmazonIndy@aol.com. Replies and PMs are welcome as well. Anything is welcome at this point.

Much love,
Serra

[gurlygurl2004]

We all go through a hard time when finding our path, but be patient, everything will be fine. Trust me.

[SidneyCozzoi]

I go through the same struggle, life gets hectic and faith is put aside. Your faith won't leave you because you're not practicing/studying/etc... Welcome back and don't sweat it when you can't be all in!

[kal]

:hugz: being in darkness is the only way to see the light :hugz:

[Chesna]

Start small...think you are thinking too big and wide right now....think small..do a small thing..keep it that way for a while...add things as they feel right and work for you.
I firmly believe that the Gods know that life gets crazy and hectic..they know that at times we may 'forget' aspects of our faith, but that our beliefs are always with us...

Chesna

[Kaylara]

Perhaps your feelings on this are just the right prod to get back on track then? If you can't do rituals or practice in your home, go somewhere else to do them. The woods, a beach, some place quiet and safe, where you probably won't be disturbed. You don't need candles or anything else, just a small part of the day that you dedicate to your spirituality. Perhaps a regular walk every day, or something similar just to give you some time with your deity. You also might want to check out something called 'The dark night of the soul" (search in google).

[mystic_peacock]

Thank you all very much for your support. I really and truly appreciate it.


Perhaps your feelings on this are just the right prod to get back on track then? If you can't do rituals or practice in your home, go somewhere else to do them. The woods, a beach, some place quiet and safe, where you probably won't be disturbed. You don't need candles or anything else, just a small part of the day that you dedicate to your spirituality. Perhaps a regular walk every day, or something similar just to give you some time with your deity. You also might want to check out something called 'The dark night of the soul" (search in google).

It's hard for me to get out of my house--my mother is very controlling. I'm not aloud to go for walks by myself, she's convinced I will be attacked. But I talked with my boyfriend about it and he's willing to go with me. We went for a run last night (my mom said no but my dad was downstairs and he let us go) and it was really peaceful and I felt better.
I will definately check out the dark night of the soul. Thank you for the reference.

Thank you everyone!
--Serra

[Celticscryer]

Hecate is the goddess of the crossroads. Perhaps she is there to guide you towards you true path?

I agree that you may be thinking to big to start off. Set aside some time everyday to devote to your spiritual growth. Even 15 minutes is good to start with.

Try meditation to speak with and connect to Hecate. Listen to what she has to tell you.

[ring_of_fyre]

I can totally relate, as I've been going through that a bit myself lately. I found a terrific book that is geared toward specifically that- incorporating your religion into your every day life. It's called "The Circle Within" by Diane Sylvan. It's a short book, but full of fantastic information and suggestions. And, just as has been mentioned here, she suggests you start out small and build on that.

One thing I have started to do, which makes me feel very centered, is to just take a few minutes in the morning when I wake up (usually when I get out of the shower- before then I'm hardly what you could call "awake" LOL), light a small candle, and just sit and center myself, and open myself up to whatever the Gods/Goddesses have for me. There is a little prayer in that book which I have memorized and it helps me to focus. It goes like this:

"Blessed Mother, Radiant Father,
I open my heart to your love and your wisdom
Help me to see you, hear your voice, touch your hand,
Help me to find myself in you
Help me to find you all around me." (copyright Diane Sylvan)

I haven't even moved beyond that point yet, but find I am more at peace when I do this. Good luck!

[mystic_peacock]

Ring of Fyre:
Thank you so much for the book suggestion! I'm going to take a look at it... that sounds like a really good way to start. And it's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Thanks :)
--Serra

[ring_of_fyre]

My pleasure. :)

[SilentDreams]

One thing I think that is key is to remember that just having a belief system and caring enough to even worry about these things and think about them is a heck of a lot more than many people do in all types of religions.

Also, I consider prayer(aka talking with your diety) a ritual. It may not be very spectacular in looks or require tons of prep but its still something you do daily to connect with your diety. And if you really want to do more, read more! There are many threads on here for Pagan e-books and essays etc..! That'll be good since you're hesitant about ordering books. I've felt the best way to feel like an "active" pagan is just to do something! Sing a song that fits your beliefs, even to yourself, focus on nature(taking care of potted plants, making a small herb garden), read e-texts or pagan websites, talk to pagans online! There are tons of things you can do.

As for having trouble with meditation. I'm no expert on it, I can only do the basics at the moment. But perhaps all your frustration and stress are putting this damper on meditation. You should try to not worry about being a "good" or "active" pagan so much. Just do what you can do in your own time. You're not going to get "kicked out" for any reason(thats whats great about being solitary). So just take things at the pace you are comfortable with. Also, don't think about all the things you're not doing. Just take some ideas from this thread, find some things you can do and set those as goals. No point in giving yourself all this troulbe over things that are beyond your power at the moment.

Anyway, I hop I helped.

[Sellitna]

I echo the recommendation of "The Circle Within" - it is a wonderful reflection on how to incorporate your faith into every aspect of your life.

I am just finding my own path so I can't offer any wonderful advice, but the way I think about it is that my faith guides me throughout life and I am working to always remember that the God and the Goddess are with me everywhere, in everything I do. My reverence of them is not reflected only in the rituals I dedicate to them, but in everything I do as I make my way through the world.

[mystic_peacock]

I've felt the best way to feel like an "active" pagan is just to do something! Sing a song that fits your beliefs, even to yourself, focus on nature(taking care of potted plants, making a small herb garden), read e-texts or pagan websites, talk to pagans online! There are tons of things you can do.
*snip* You should try to not worry about being a "good" or "active" pagan so much. Just do what you can do in your own time. You're not going to get "kicked out" for any reason(thats whats great about being solitary). So just take things at the pace you are comfortable with. Also, don't think about all the things you're not doing. Just take some ideas from this thread, find some things you can do and set those as goals. No point in giving yourself all this troulbe over things that are beyond your power at the moment.

You are right... and it is entirely possible that my stress over this issue is what is hurting my mediation. Because I've had that happen in past activities. My stress tends to hurt most of my extracurriculars... when I get it into my head that I HAVE to do something, it is impossible for me to do it because I'm so worried about it. I just didn't think that it would be the case with faith, but now that I know what is going on I can relax.

I think I'm just worried that the gods will be mad at me and think I'm lazy.

I've been going on nature walks and the boyfriend has said he'll go hiking with me, which I think will be very good for my spirituality, because just being in the wild makes me feel pagan :)

Thank you for your help!!
--Serra