I'm livid

[Jolixte]

It took two seconds to send me over the edge. I am so furious. Things have been building for weeks so this is not unexpected. I'll leave out most of it because I don't feel like writing it all out at the moment.

What set me off was a scar on my friend's wrist. Sure, I know plenty of people who self-mutilate, but this was different. This friend has got to be one of the brightest woman that I know, which really is saying a lot. She has so much potential, but with the way things are going, she may never get anywhere. My friend comes from a very traditional taiwanese family. She is going to have an arranged marriage, and she's not allowed to go to a college far from where she lives. This woman could get into Yale, but they won't let her. She's just the pet of her family and her culture. I'm going to go punch something now.

[SilverClaw]

:hugz:

[Jolixte]

I might as well add some more while I'm at it.

My SO has problems with his family as well. They live in Russia and still manage to get into things that are none of their business. They never did anything for him when he could have used help, but now that he's established himself, they just won't go away. They also hate me because I'm not Russian. If we get married, I'm eloping.

Another of my friends has BPD and all the problems that that entail. She's also in love with a guy that manipulates her, but she will not listen to reason.

The people in my circle of friends are acting particularly idiotic lately as well. I've been avoiding them all week. Why can no one make sense anymore?

Bleh, et cetera.

[MGD]

Ouch sorry to hear about all that especially the BPD.

My kid's mom has that and it's a nightmare, I still don't know how the hell to deal with it.

If the arranged marriage girl lives in the UK or American she should just leave and do her own thing. If they really love her they'll love her no matter what, and if not then they weren't a good family in the first place.

[Jolixte]

If the arranged marriage girl lives in the UK or American she should just leave and do her own thing. If they really love her they'll love her no matter what, and if not then they weren't a good family in the first place.
She lives in the US, but she will be disowned if she doesn't marry. Family is very important to her. I don't know if she could stand being disowned.

[MGD]

If they would disown her then do they really love her?

Ultimately the choice is hers and if she's too weak to make the right one then she'll have to deal with letting others control her.

Who knows though, maybe her arranged man will be someone she can get along with.

[Jolixte]

If they would disown her then do they really love her?

Ultimately the choice is hers and if she's too weak to make the right one then she'll have to deal with letting others control her.

Who knows though, maybe her arranged man will be someone she can get along with.
I don't know how to explain this really. It's a view-point that not many people understand. I'm not even all that angry about that aspect. I'm mostly pissed off because she cuts, and I'm angry that this infuriates me. A feeling that how the heck are the rest of us going to make it, if she's having problems.

I've always had problems with reality; it's still a shock.

[MGD]

That is unfortunate.

In my experience a lot of the people who cut themselves are doing it to get attention whether they admit it or not. From what you've said it sounds like everyone who has a say in her life are ignoring or are oblivious to her needs and wants.

How well do you know her family?

[Jolixte]

That is unfortunate.

In my experience a lot of the people who cut themselves are doing it to get attention whether they admit it or not. From what you've said it sounds like everyone who has a say in her life are ignoring or are oblivious to her needs and wants.

How well do you know her family?
I'm positive that she is not seeking attention; I know her too well, and she is not the type.

I know her family very well.

[MGD]

Well everyone is different I suppose but it seems like you can never truly know anyone even if you've known them for years.

Anyways, do you think that if they knew about what was going on with her that they would help her or would it make the situation worse? From what I've heard so far they don't seem to be terribly understanding.

[Amber Wynd]

I don't know how to explain this really. It's a view-point that not many people understand. I'm not even all that angry about that aspect. I'm mostly pissed off because she cuts, and I'm angry that this infuriates me. A feeling that how the heck are the rest of us going to make it, if she's having problems.

I've always had problems with reality; it's still a shock.
It's normal to be angry and frustrated when someone you care about cuts themselves. It's scary because you start to wonder what else they will do to themselves and there is often a feeling that you're powerless to help. I understand both points of view because I've known cutters, and I also used to cut myself. I still bite my nails until they bleed. What usually leads to cutting is a feeling of having no control over some aspect of your life and/or having issues that haven't been fully dealt with. People who cut themselves almost always stop doing it after they are able to come to terms with the root issue.

Is your friend open to seeing a counselor? Even if she's not, it will help her to know how much you care and that you see her as a person of value, especially during those times when she can't see herself in that light.

[Jolixte]

Well everyone is different I suppose but it seems like you can never truly know anyone even if you've known them for years.
I know exactly why she does it so it's less then guess work. I know when cutters do it for attention, this is different.


Anyways, do you think that if they knew about what was going on with her that they would help her or would it make the situation worse? From what I've heard so far they don't seem to be terribly understanding.
Telling her family would not help the situation any, I imagine. She is entirely capable of making her own decisions so I would not bring anyone into this that might affect that.

[MGD]

Everyone is capable of making decisions, whether or not they are good decisions is what is important.

So why does she cut herself?

[Jolixte]

It's normal to be angry and frustrated when someone you care about cuts themselves. It's scary because you start to wonder what else they will do to themselves and there is often a feeling that you're powerless to help. I understand both points of view because I've known cutters, and I also used to cut myself. I still bite my nails until they bleed. What usually leads to cutting is a feeling of having no control over some aspect of your life and/or having issues that haven't been fully dealt with. People who cut themselves almost always stop doing it after they are able to come to terms with the root issue.

Is your friend open to seeing a counselor? Even if she's not, it will help her to know how much you care and that you see her as a person of value, especially during those times when she can't see herself in that light.
We know the root issue, but fixing it is the major problem. As this moment, I have no more ideas on how to help her.

And no, she wouldn't see a counselor.

[Jolixte]

Everyone is capable of making decisions, whether or not they are good decisions is what is important.

So why does she cut herself?
She is a perfectionist and her family controls her life. She uses cutting for control.

[Thereca]

May I offer a few words.. I have been involved with BPD persons, it is easy to get sucked into a pigeon hole with them if they are under or non medicated.. be supportive but be careful not to be used.. In my case.. I was being told how the others family was using them.. moms former boyfriends supposed to have molested her..sister taalking bad about her.. doctor making her sicker.. youname it I heard it.. I believed everything she wa after all my friend.. I tried offering advice and in the end was accused of doctoring her meds with draino.. of course it wasn't true and no one believed it but it did start manyof us who were avoiding each other because of what she said to talking and realized how deep she was into a real pyschotic break down..We had all heard about the horrrible others.. and the more advice we offered her before this point the more she played us.. Support her but protect yourself..
The arranged marriage: Ihae not been in an arranged marriage but I have had some bad ones..the more folks told me to get out the more I felt like I had to stay for fear of disappointing my parents or failiing.. One friend saying tome that althoughtheywere scared for me they would not judge me what ever mydecision and that they never again offered negative against my spouse thenonly supporting me and saying how can I be there for you.. that was my only help.. and when I accepted their strength I found mine.. Just be there for her don't dog the faamilyor possible marriage.. love and support her only.. find someone in the area who may have"gotten Out" of a same situation, introduce them but not as look she did it you can too but rather hey meet a friend thats the best you can ..
your own BF fam.. tell em screw it if they can't take a joke.. Elope.. build your family and they will come around.. if they dont oh well look how many years you got by with out them, the next ones shouldnt be any harder..
Good Luck

[Derestanne]

A feeling that how the heck are the rest of us going to make it, if she's having problems.

A very profound question there, Joli.

I take it you are feeling your friends pain / shame / weakness as if it were your own. Well go ahead and feel that, but while you're at it, get in touch with your own personal power, courage and strength and then transmit that positive energy back to your friend.

I can't speak for anybody else, but your question doesn't suggest to me that I myself won't make it. Instead it serves as a reminder that I'd better hurry the hell up and become the absolute essence of Divine Strength. :halohead:

[MGD]

We know the root issue, but fixing it is the major problem. As this moment, I have no more ideas on how to help her.

And no, she wouldn't see a counselor.

The only person who can help her is herself. You can be there for her if you want but you can't fight her fights for her.

Counseling would probaby help but once again, the ball is in her court.

If she doesn't have the strength to take control of her own life there is little you can do to help her. Then again, sometimes a little can help.

Either way, good luck.

[Amber Wynd]

The only person who can help her is herself. You can be there for her if you want but you can't fight her fights for her.

Counseling would probaby help but once again, the ball is in her court.

If she doesn't have the strength to take control of her own life there is little you can do to help her. Then again, sometimes a little can help.

Either way, good luck.Ditto. Sometimes a little helps more than you know.

[Jolixte]

Ditto. Sometimes a little helps more than you know.
I'm not sure that I'll help.

[BrigidMoon]

Off the subject, but you're very pretty!

_pounce_