Feeling sick due to negative energy thrown at me...

[Heart of Isis]

What do I do with this?
I got chewed out today by the owner of the place I work at. (My first impression was that he was laid-back). I've only been there a month. He chewed me out in a meeting so at least there were wittinesses. I call it "chewing out"..he basically treated me like sh-- and got rough on me about I don't what. I still don't know what he was on about. He also said that this is going to happen every Monday from now on. I assume he was talking about the staff meetings. I've just been trying to do all things asked of me to the letter. It's a very rough job even though I have years of Accounts Payable experience I was shocked that the first day I just got dumped on and have had not 1 minute of orientation. I have had to try to discover things myself. Naturally, I don't know how he wants stuff done and all. The person he had sort of show me, if you could call it that, did everything wrong all the time anyway which is why she does not do it anymore. (She also dislikes me a great deal and only knows my name. She has been bullying me and apparently is a bully from what I have found out. Knowing that I ignore her mostly now). My two immediate bosses have hope for me and don't want me to leave. One of them even told me that "he said your doing a good job after the meeting". BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't buy that at all. If that was true he would not have done what he did! I told her that.
I'm just so upset now because I have been walking on eggs and sitting on pins and needles since day one. I don't know what possessed me to take this job other than desperation. I don't know what I walked into here. (I just came from a very very abusive job too).
One thing I've noticed is that he is a miserable person and rather negative. (Not as miserable as I am I guess).

Suffice it to say the only thing I can do now is quit and live on the streets. I am giving notice Friday. I have already told my immediate boss. There are a few whom do not want me to quit, but I'm out of options. I mean, he had me scared and I could feel me emotions starting to go out of control. It was all I could do to keep it together. When that kind of thing occurs that's the big red flag telling one it's time to go. I wish I didn't keep having to quit jobs because of this, but people insist on beating me up all the time. (Told you I was an outcast and I haven't even done anything to warrant it yet).

Ok, sorry for the rant..fearing this is going to be or is a pattern with me, my question is: How do I deal with this kind of stuff that's a constant? I mean, I'm literally sick over it tonight which means it was extremely un-called for.
This kind of thing just sticks to me and doesn't come off for a long time. I haven't even had the chance to attempt any type of shielding yet. I just don't have the energy for it now. How do I get the energy to attempt shielding back? I used to use mirror shielding, but that and any type of shielding takes an enormous amount of energy for me.

I'm an extremely sensitive person (or thing, haven't quite worked that one out yet) thanks to experiences and having to live this buggery life and people need to be bloody more considerate! (Sorry I'm ranting again).
I'm really getting very sick of this stuff that people seem to derive enjoyment out of doing!


Heart of Isis

Post script: Last month I was strongly invited to a ritual in February by a HPS I know who has been trying to get me to show up for a long time (which ever one that is...I'm terrible with holidays and such). I showed up once a long long time ago. The group knows me, but I don't know them. (I trust them as far as I can throw them). I was going to go this time to check it out....huge risk for me, but I would shield first. Now I can't go because of what happened today....no way.

[BlackMagicalCat]

Well,bless your heart.I work in a rough work place also.And some are unpleasant to be around.

But I have become used to dealing with it.My heart is strong and God has blessed me with his peace and confidence.I guess all my life I have had to deal with people who were a pain at times.

So,My prayer is that your heart will be made strong and that your spirit steadfast.And may God grant you wisdom to deal with the trouble you face.

My prayers are for you,to recieve help from above ,precious one.

[Heart of Isis]

Well,bless your heart.I work in a rough work place also.And some are unpleasant to be around.

But I have become used to dealing with it.My heart is strong and God has blessed me with his peace and confidence.I guess all my life I have had to deal with people who were a pain at times.

So,My prayer is that your heart will be made strong and that your spirit steadfast.And may God grant you wisdom to deal with the trouble you face.

My prayers are for you,to recieve help from above ,precious one.


Thank you for your kindness. My heart is not in good shape medically as I recently found out. So not only was this a shock today, but I need to be fully aware of any pains or funny things happening with me chest. (I wish I lived in a civil society). I'm always getting beat up like this it seems anyway. So maybe not "always" but often and that's more than enough.
I'm just wondering what's in store tomorrow. It's times like this that I feel strongly that being who or what I am stinks.


Heart of Isis

By the by, just so you know, I don't mean any offense but,... we don't believe in the same "God" or the popular notion of "him". I'm not a monotheist either. I'm a polytheist. So I prefer help from my Goddess and/or deities.
Again though, thank you for your kindness and good thoughts in spite of our apparent spiritual differences.

[Lunacie]

I think there's someone difficult in every job. I used to take it so personally and beat myself up because someone said I should be doing better. I've learned to either explain why I'm doing it the way I am, or ask them how they want me to do it. I wouldn't exactly say I've had a discussion with my current boss, but I do feel we are able to communicate somewhat. Actually I had to laugh last week when she finally "got it" about why I've been mixing the cleanser with water and washing things with it instead of spraying it on and wiping it off like she does. She finally understood after a whole year of my working there that
when the cleaner is sprayed I get a face full of it and it really sets off my allergies, whereas mixing it with water and using a wet cloth keeps the fumes out of my eyes and nose.

Anyway, it seems from what you've written that you're looking at your new job through the wrong end of the telescope. There is only one person who has complained and there are several who think you're learning the job and doing it well. You're not going to do the job perfectly when you've only been there a month, and I don't think the boss who complained really expects that, he probably thought he was giving out some creative criticism. I think you should give it a bit longer to see if you feel more comfortable and the work gets easier for you.

[Heart of Isis]

I think there's someone difficult in every job. I used to take it so personally and beat myself up because someone said I should be doing better. I've learned to either explain why I'm doing it the way I am, or ask them how they want me to do it. I wouldn't exactly say I've had a discussion with my current boss, but I do feel we are able to communicate somewhat. Actually I had to laugh last week when she finally "got it" about why I've been mixing the cleanser with water and washing things with it instead of spraying it on and wiping it off like she does. She finally understood after a whole year of my working there that
when the cleaner is sprayed I get a face full of it and it really sets off my allergies, whereas mixing it with water and using a wet cloth keeps the fumes out of my eyes and nose.

Anyway, it seems from what you've written that you're looking at your new job through the wrong end of the telescope. There is only one person who has complained and there are several who think you're learning the job and doing it well. You're not going to do the job perfectly when you've only been there a month, and I don't think the boss who complained really expects that, he probably thought he was giving out some creative criticism. I think you should give it a bit longer to see if you feel more comfortable and the work gets easier for you.


Sorry, but you couldn't be more wrong. I don't think yelling at someone for 10 minutes about something unknown is constructive criticism! Especially when he could plainly see that I was doing everything asked to the letter. It was all right up there on the projection screen he was using!
See, even though he is one person he is also the boss and the owner.
No, now I am seeing his true nature and it's going to kill me. He made another what I consider to be a threat to me today! He left a pamphlet on me desk for one of those $200 Fred Pryor accounting seminars (those things are rip-offs) with a note stating that I am to go to it! He thinks that some over-night miracle will take place or something. The only thing that will take place there for me is a virtual blood-bath. I can't do it!!!! Too many people!! I can't handle that!!!!!! Instant heart-attack!!!! My head was still spinning from yesterday this morning when I saw that too! I can't talk to him about anything as he is so unapproachable now. He scares the crap out of me. So I shoved it way back in a drawer hoping he would forget. (Won't matter anyway, now that I think about it as I will be giving notice Monday in the meeting).
It's too bad for I got to talk with his son for the first time today and he is nothing like his dad. In fact, we discovered that we both love to cook. (high-level stuff too). Talked for about 10 minutes.
I learned a lot about him today though and while it doesn't help in the least I now know what he's about. (Nothing good). It's scary and sad at the same time. He is a miserable person. It's his personality. He has driven many people out of there. Thing is he doesn't even realize what he does. He doesn't realize how badly he hurt me. However, there is no way in Tartarus that I can tell him or anything. There is no intent to fire me because he doesn't want to pay unemployment. (What he does not know is that I don't believe in it and won't bother to file a claim. I'd sooner die first).
No, the bridge has been burned and he burned it. He's got me totally scared of him. My employment is the center of me self-worth....yes, I know that's extremely unhealthy, but I don't know what or how to do anything about that. I take my work very seriously and yes, I do take everything personally. Most of the time I figure I'm guilty. (Even when I'm not, I take the blame because that's all I can do).

Heart of Isis

[Lunacie]

Well, geez, it's no wonder your heart is in such bad shape if you're carrying the guilt for everything that has ever happened or ever might happen. Not everything is your responsibility. But standing up for yourself is certainly your responsibility and until you find a way to do that, people are going to keep yelling at you and walking all over you. I know, I used to be sorta like that myself. What helped me the most, silly as it sounds, was sticking little post-it notes all over the house with messages on them like:
You are a good person.
You deserve good things.
You have an inner strength.
You are loveable.
You deserve love.

[Heart of Isis]

Well, geez, it's no wonder your heart is in such bad shape if you're carrying the guilt for everything that has ever happened or ever might happen. Not everything is your responsibility. But standing up for yourself is certainly your responsibility and until you find a way to do that, people are going to keep yelling at you and walking all over you. I know, I used to be sorta like that myself. What helped me the most, silly as it sounds, was sticking little post-it notes all over the house with messages on them like:
You are a good person.
You deserve good things.
You have an inner strength.
You are loveable.
You deserve love.


I used to be quite the warrior actually. Yes, I said "warrior" not worrier. I've retired from that though as I just was so incredibly exhausted beyond belief that I had to. I've had to fight for everything in my life. Now I am too tired and can't put up the fight I used to. I guess perhaps that could be at least partly related to carrying around a lot of guilt that isn't mine to carry without even realizing it sometimes. I suppose that after a while that would wipe one out. Those that "walk all over me" do so because they have more power, more resources, more safety and can afford to do so. I can not afford it. I'm done standing up for myself..I can't do it on my own anymore. My armor has taken so many hits over the years that it has disintegrated. I figure I'm paying the price for standing up for myself in the past. All I can do now is to try to run and hide if I can. If I don't do that then the only other choice is reactionary belligerence or verbal violence of some sort or something and I don't want to go there. I want peace. Sometimes the only thing to do is cut and run.
The one thing I have learned now is that he doesn't even realize how he is or what he does. It's sad, but scary as hell at the same time. I'm scared to death of him. So in thinking about it I realized that giving the customary 2 weeks notice is not a good idea. It may lead to a confrontation. So I have decided to wait until Monday and if he behaves even remotely like he did this past Monday. I'm just going to stand up, excuse myself and take off without looking back. No notice and I don't care. I have never done anything like that before in my life as a person of integrity, but I feel it's a necessary mandate in this case and it's going to take a lot of courage.

As for the messages on the Post-its: That's affirmations and affirmations do NOT work on me. If they work for you, wonderful.
I personally consider them false, empty and wasteful. They don't do anything, but deny reality and drive one mad. I prefer getting to the meat of the problem with serious tools and work.

This is one of those situations that is just designed not to get better. I call it a combination of history repeating itself and energy vamperism by design or more accurately, further proof that this society is barbaric compared to other societies. It's sad really.

Heart of Isis

[Lunacie]

I did that once. My boss yelled at me in front of customers and I turned around and walked out. Shocked the pee out of him from what I heard. A few years later I went back and asked for my old job back, but I wouldn't have taken the job if it hadn't been pretty clear to me that he understood what I would and would not put up with.

I don't think this is a case of two sides to the coin - being a warrior or being a doormat. I think there's another option, and that's to simply be the kind of person who deserves respect. When I finally realized that (and the post it notes did help me even though I thought they were false and empty at first) I threw my then-hubby for a loop. He would say horrid things to me - as usual - but instead of yelling back at him or going off into another room to cry, I simply looked at him and very calmly said "I don't deserve that. I'd appreciate an apology." Then I'd turn away and talk to someone else or do something else. I didn't get many apologies, but he did realize that he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted so he stopped trying.


I'm sorry you feel like the affirmations that I suggested "deny reality." I do believe you are a good person, that you deserve good things, that you have an inner strength, that you are loveable, and that you deserve love. Why don't you believe that?

[Heart of Isis]

I did that once. My boss yelled at me in front of customers and I turned around and walked out. Shocked the pee out of him from what I heard. A few years later I went back and asked for my old job back, but I wouldn't have taken the job if it hadn't been pretty clear to me that he understood what I would and would not put up with.

I don't think this is a case of two sides to the coin - being a warrior or being a doormat. I think there's another option, and that's to simply be the kind of person who deserves respect. When I finally realized that (and the post it notes did help me even though I thought they were false and empty at first) I threw my then-hubby for a loop. He would say horrid things to me - as usual - but instead of yelling back at him or going off into another room to cry, I simply looked at him and very calmly said "I don't deserve that. I'd appreciate an apology." Then I'd turn away and talk to someone else or do something else. I didn't get many apologies, but he did realize that he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted so he stopped trying.


I'm sorry you feel like the affirmations that I suggested "deny reality." I do believe you are a good person, that you deserve good things, that you have an inner strength, that you are lovable, and that you deserve love. Why don't you believe that?


Hmm...I would never ask for my job back anywhere, even the good ones. (It's odd because he interviewed me and gave me the impression of someone who has had a personality by-pass, but was laid-back. I think that employers lie in interviews more than those seeking employment. Personally I use the honesty is the best policy even if it hurts me. I believe in full disclosure). Unfortunately, this guy, I can't talk to like that. That works wonders outside of the business world, but leads to war within the business world. I think a lot of it is also my fear of him and loathing confrontation. I've had enough confrontation in my life...more than most so it's something I avoid (also due to health reasons) unless it's in the process of saving a life or something. I also don't want any apologies. I apologize myself almost daily to people whether it's something I did or not. I just like to cover all the bases. As for others apologizing to me, I don't need it.
I believe I already am the kind of person that deserves respect and I act according to that. That's why this stuff really throws me. Being a strong empath does not help me. I'm ultra sensitive which is why I am desperately learning to shield which isn't going so will right now, but I'm going to keep at it for a while longer.

Why don't I believe those "affirmations"? One, you don't know me, you haven't been in me shoes. That aside though, it doesn't mean that I'm not a genuine person of integrity and what have you. In fact, there is plenty of proof that I am. (I find people don't want proof or evidence though. They prefer falsehood, false reality and lies and I just can't run to that).

Am I a good person? Yes, I think I am, at the least generally.
Do I deserve good things? I'd like to see where and in what book it says that. (I don't go for the blab it and grab it philosophy although that may not be what is meant here).
Do I have inner-strength? I used to, but it's almost gone now.
Am I lovable and deserve love? Not sure. I believe that I have love to share, but as for the rest, that hasn't happened in me whole life to date. I don't think it's in the cards I guess. (Of course this predicament will lead to my very early death. I'm just trying to learn shielding and other things to just see if it will help me a lot or just buy a month or two for some reason in which case I'm still only around for maybe one more year or so at this rate).

Heart of Isis

[Lunacie]

No, I haven't been in your shoes, but I've walk a long damn distance in my own and my life hasn't been any bed of roses. I'd have comitted suicide a long time ago if someone else hadn't tried to tell me that I deserved a better life, and that it was up to me to change it for the better.

As far as a book that says you deserve good things... there are all kinds of books that have been written and some are good and some are silly and some are full of lies and deceits. My faith and my spirit and my connection with the divine tells me that every person is deserving. They deserve good things and they deserve love - unless they have done something to deserve something less good and loving.

What have you done that's so terrible that you deserve such a horrible life?

As an empath and a psychic (and someone who's been where you are) I'd be willing to bet that whatever makes you feel undeserving and unlovable was not done by you, but was done to you.

And you didn't deserve whatever happened to you.

You can't change what happened. You can't change what you did as a reaction to it. You can, however, change how you think and how you feel and how you interact with other people.

There are some fights you should run away from. But there some fights that are worth the energy. I believe the fight for your self-respect and the right to get respect from others is one that is worth it.

[Heart of Isis]

No, I haven't been in your shoes, but I've walk a long damn distance in my own and my life hasn't been any bed of roses. I'd have comitted suicide a long time ago if someone else hadn't tried to tell me that I deserved a better life, and that it was up to me to change it for the better.

As far as a book that says you deserve good things... there are all kinds of books that have been written and some are good and some are silly and some are full of lies and deceits. My faith and my spirit and my connection with the divine tells me that every person is deserving. They deserve good things and they deserve love - unless they have done something to deserve something less good and loving.

What have you done that's so terrible that you deserve such a horrible life?

Well, I couldn't put me finger on it in a lifetime of Sundays, but there must have been something? Perhaps, I was born at the wrong time or with the wrong signs or something? "I exist, therefore I'm wrong"? (That last quote bit was just a sick joke..not serious). Perhaps I've made too many mistakes? I don't know.

As an empath and a psychic (and someone who's been where you are) I'd be willing to bet that whatever makes you feel undeserving and unlovable was not done by you, but was done to you.

Maybe so. There seems to be a pattern of that. However, it's partly my responsibility to have allowed things like that to happen. Then again, what could I have known at the time? This is confusing.
This may be a different subject: I've heard it said (although I have never understood it and find it leads to justifiable suicide), that one chooses the time they are born and the society and family they are born into. Well, what possessed me to choose this barbaric, predator-filled society and stupid family to be born into? I find that notion ridiculous because there is nothing one can do about that. If there were, things would be far different.

And you didn't deserve whatever happened to you.

You can't change what happened. You can't change what you did as a reaction to it. You can, however, change how you think and how you feel and how you interact with other people.

I would want or like to change how I feel, but not necessarily how I think. Thinking = intellect. I don't want to create a false reality or become numb to important things. I like to study and research....perhaps almost too much as if that's even possible. Although I believe it would stand to reason that if one changes how one feels in a rational method and way then how one thinks would automatically change as well. As for interacting with people: Isn't that a variable?
It also baffles me to think that even though my life is the way it is, that I'm a strong Empath and still have the ability to use the gift. At the same time though it's the opposite of being a gift. I have a hard time dealing with that.

There are some fights you should run away from. But there some fights that are worth the energy. I believe the fight for your self-respect and the right to get respect from others is one that is worth it.

I believe that too, but after 22 years of doing so and never winning no matter what (it's not really a matter of win or lose on certain levels), I'm just too far wiped out.

Heart of Isis

[Pesha]

you know my life has been a struggle. I have always had to scrap and climb and scratch for what I have. I finally woke up one and and deceided to try and let the trouble just go away. To not let it gewt to me and while i have been partially successful, I have my moments still. You received alot of really good advice from people here........stop for a moment and think and take some of it. Somewhere there must be something that will work for and with you hun. Blessings and light.

BB
DS.

[Lunacie]

Maybe so. There seems to be a pattern of that. However, it's partly my responsibility to have allowed things like that to happen. Then again, what could I have known at the time? This is confusing.
This may be a different subject: I've heard it said (although I have never understood it and find it leads to justifiable suicide), that one chooses the time they are born and the society and family they are born into. Well, what possessed me to choose this barbaric, predator-filled society and stupid family to be born into? I find that notion ridiculous because there is nothing one can do about that. If there were, things would be far different.

Yeah, I've wondered too why I would have chosen the family I was born into, much less the family I married into. Hopefully I have learned whatever lesson this family was to teach me and I won't have to go around another time with these goombahs.


I would want or like to change how I feel, but not necessarily how I think. Thinking = intellect. I don't want to create a false reality or become numb to important things. I like to study and research....perhaps almost too much as if that's even possible. Although I believe it would stand to reason that if one changes how one feels in a rational method and way then how one thinks would automatically change as well. As for interacting with people: Isn't that a variable?
It also baffles me to think that even though my life is the way it is, that I'm a strong Empath and still have the ability to use the gift. At the same time though it's the opposite of being a gift. I have a hard time dealing with that.

I guess I didn't express that very well. It's more a way of looking at things, a matter of perspective, but it does involve the way we think about things. How do you know that they way you're thinking right now isn't creating the false reality? Maybe changing your perspective will allow you to create a more authentic life.

And yeah, interacting with other people is always variable. My sister and I were talking about that over the holidays, how other people think we have a wonderful marvelous brother and we both know what a pile of crap he is. We are different people ourselves depending on who we're with, different people bring out different things in ourselves.

I know from talking to other Empaths and from my own experiences that there are times when Empathy is curse, but there are also times when it is a gift. If you read through the threads here in the Empath forum (I know, I know, the Bunker is horrendously long :lol:) you'll find examples of both. If you look at The Bunker thread as a compendium of short stories it may help you to browse through it. ;)

I believe that too, but after 22 years of doing so and never winning no matter what (it's not really a matter of win or lose on certain levels), I'm just too far wiped out.

The greatest thing I've learned is that it really isn't about winning and losing, it's about connecting - first with your own inner spirit (who you really are, not who others expect you to be) - then with the other people in your life (family, friends, co-workers, people you meet online, someone you hold the door open for at the store, everyone) - and then with the Divine (however you see the that, as gods or angels or your own higher spirit).

And what a relief it was to stop fighting with myself, which led to not fighting with others. Oh I still do it, but I don't invest so much of myself and my energy in the outcome anymore. :lol: Which means I have the energy now to enjoy myself more often. I bought a drum for cheap at TJMaxx and that led me to look for a drumming circle, which has led to my going to two drumming circles every week and another one that meets once a month, and I've been invited to drum for/with our local tribal belly dance troop. No more arguing with myself about whether I really want to go and worrying about what everyone else thinks about me, or what they're saying behind my back. I just go and enjoy myself.

[Lunacie]

Heart of Isis, you mentioned something about responsibility and I remembered seeing this chart on another forum. It helps put it into perspective for me as an Empath. Gosh I hope this posts here.

http://www.webedelic.com/church/concern.jpg http://images.beliefnet.com/imgs/x.gif

[Heart of Isis]

I guess I didn't express that very well. It's more a way of looking at things, a matter of perspective, but it does involve the way we think about things. How do you know that they way you're thinking right now isn't creating the false reality? Maybe changing your perspective will allow you to create a more authentic life.

Now that, I understand. That would be good. However, I worry that I don't want to say that something or someone is harmless when they are not and that sort of thing. In other words, I don't want to convince myself even more to stay trapped in a bad situation as I tend to do anyway. I should be learning and finding my way out of those instead of changing my perspective of them.
Also the reason that I know that I am not already creating a false reality is because there is an over-abundance of physical evidence against that in my face everyday that I have to deal with. I'm not one to deny the elephant in me living room. However, I do also tend to get really down on myself at times.

And yeah, interacting with other people is always variable. My sister and I were talking about that over the holidays, how other people think we have a wonderful marvelous brother and we both know what a pile of crap he is. We are different people ourselves depending on who we're with, different people bring out different things in ourselves.

I can really relate to that. In my case it's me sister....someone you wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes with. I'm glad she is not around me, but sad and frightened that she does live with me mum.

I know from talking to other Empaths and from my own experiences that there are times when Empathy is curse, but there are also times when it is a gift. If you read through the threads here in the Empath forum (I know, I know, the Bunker is horrendously long :lol you'll find examples of both. If you look at The Bunker thread as a compendium of short stories it may help you to browse through it.

I know...it goes on forever. I have a heck of a time with it no matter what method I use. I get lost inside of two turns. I am not denying my successes or what ever one calls them with the gift part of being an Empath. I have had a number of those. In fact, I am able to use the gift no matter what I am going through or feeling when it's really needed for someone else. It does feel good to help others. However, I do pay the price.

Quote:
I believe that too, but after 22 years of doing so and never winning no matter what (it's not really a matter of win or lose on certain levels), I'm just too far wiped out.



The greatest thing I've learned is that it really isn't about winning and losing, it's about connecting - first with your own inner spirit (who you really are, not who others expect you to be) - then with the other people in your life (family, friends, co-workers, people you meet online, someone you hold the door open for at the store, everyone) - and then with the Divine (however you see the that, as gods or angels or your own higher spirit).

I'm not sure I know who I really am on the deep levels for sure. Maybe I do...I don't know. That was a struggle for me even when I was a practicing Wiccan. There was a lot of memory work and I have issues there. (I had a mild stroke about 5 years ago and it effected my memory a little bit. Just enough to drive me mad. I don't remember further back than my last year in Highschool and only bits and pieces. Then going forward from there it's the same...only little bits and pieces).

And what a relief it was to stop fighting with myself, which led to not fighting with others. Oh I still do it, but I don't invest so much of myself and my energy in the outcome anymore. Which means I have the energy now to enjoy myself more often. I bought a drum for cheap at TJMaxx and that led me to look for a drumming circle, which has led to my going to two drumming circles every week and another one that meets once a month, and I've been invited to drum for/with our local tribal belly dance troop. No more arguing with myself about whether I really want to go and worrying about what everyone else thinks about me, or what they're saying behind my back. I just go and enjoy myself.

Hmm....it so happens that I am a drummer. Middle-eastern style essentially. I have been to drumming circles before and I do enjoy it (if they are not too big). There is a drumming circle in my area that meets for about 3 hours about once every two months. However, I can't attend but maybe twice a year due to cost. ($8 due to the cost of room rental unless they have moved it and I don't know it yet). The next nearest drum circle would be in San Bernardino which is about 160 miles away. No thank you.

I don't worry about anything when I'm drumming. I have been told a few times that I am good and even effective, whatever that's supposed to mean. (Never had a lesson). There have been about 3 times that I have even led a circle without realizing it. (It annoys me when I find out about it later. I hate being in leadership role for anything or any reason or length of time. It goes against me nature).

Interestingly enough, I have been invited by an HPS I know to come to an Imbolc ritual this coming Wed. This is a group of mostly half-baked, flighty "pagans" with the exception of 2 or 3 genuine ones. I have been warned of this. The further trouble is that most of them know me, but I don't have a clue to whom they are. I'm not so sure that's a good thing. I would have to shield before going, but the only one I know is mirror shielding and that can be a little bit troublesome once in a while. I did promise (practically through friendly coercion) to attend about a month ago. However, again $8, request for bringing a pot-luck dish for after ritual feast, (I not only can't afford that even though I have a passion for cooking I also have a strict rule that I do not eat right after ritual. I believe it destroys the working/energy, plus all those people! Yikes!), the major struggle with my Empathy right now and the uncertain turmoil at work. (Also the venue isn't the most conducive to energy raising). I am putting up a fight right now to try to convince myself to go, but one blow from behind and it's all over. I may bow-out at the last moment before hand. Of course I will send a courtesy message.

I'm trying to take on a bit more work than I can handle at the same time, but I have to because I don't have time to spare.
I think that it will sort itself out eventually though. My Goddess will apply the breaks as she sees fit. She is firm when it comes to getting something through to me at times and somewhat a perfectionist, but she is not a task master.

I will be checking out the shielding tech this weekend.

Heart of Isis

[Heart of Isis]

Interesting. I'm going to try to print that chart out so I can look at it a while.

I'm not quite understanding it fully I think. I think it says that while we may have a huge circle of concern the circle of our influence goes only so far into our circle of concern and yet our circle of responsiblity is only so big.
Although wouldn't it also make sense that our circle of responsibility be the same size as our circle of influence. I think it stands to reason that if we can or if we have influence over something then aren't we responsible for it as well? Can one not change something that one has influence over or am I really confused?

Heart of Isis