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Heart of Isis
February 1st, 2006, 12:26 AM
Well, the time draws near. Tomorrow night I go to public ritual for the first time in 4 years. I guess prior to that my empathic nature wasn't in full tilt like it is now.
This is going be a huge challenge for me. Why did I promise to do this? I also don't understand why the level of anxiety. I've been in many many circles in the past. Even helped facilitate a few. I want to go and not go at the same time. I do hope that I don't get attacked at work tomorrow otherwise all bets are off. (That would put me out of it energy-wise and I refuse to show up a mess. Wouldn't want to bring that into circle. I really don't want to participate fully in the ritual, but one must as you know. There is going to be this part where all the guys lock arms and do the God chant thing. (I'm not into that. I prefer Goddess although Anubis and I get along great, also Horus. Unfortunately that's not who's being called. It's going to be generic which I don't like because then it's pot-luck and you don't know whom shows up).

I don't think it's very healthy for Empaths to do public rituals (or in my case public anything). I'm also afraid I may break-down at some point and that would not be good. (I don't know.....it could happen) People may try to touch me if that happens and they could get hurt. I don't like being touched by strangers. I don't care how much they think they know me. Unfortunately, I won't be able to cut me own door. I'm not bringing me athame because I figure what's the point if I'm not at least helping to cast the circle. One can not cut a door in a circle that one did not cast or at least help cast. So the athame stays home. I wish I could make myself invisible until I could determine a level of comfort. I am wearing me full cloak, but it only has slight shielding power, not invisibility. I'm going to try to shield I think. The HPS whom knows me and has faith in me mentioned that she well detect if I have mirror shielded and would prefer that I trust her.

Heart of Isis

Heart of Isis
February 2nd, 2006, 10:56 AM
Well, last night was nice and significant!
It's been 4 years and sure I was a little rusty, but as usual Isis gave me all I needed. I invented and used a new subtle sheild before I left, which seemed to work pretty well. Once ritual started it was dropped and replaced by the wings of me goddess. She was instructing me what to do and when, paying attention to me the whole time. She was more subtle than usual, but very much there, standing right behind me. It was a lovely ritual. I was completely comfortable (I was not expecting that) and not even that nervous. It appeared that the HPS made certain subtle arrangements to gaurantee my comfort level and whatever they were it worked. (She wanted me to attend very much and also knows how timid I am. She has been trying for years and finally got results last night). The HPS was the only other person who figured out what I was doing. She has seen it happen with me before 4 years ago the last ritual I attended. She loves it because I am so reverent and respectful and I know what I'm doing, she says. I don't really know what I'm doing, I just go with it. I think that's what she meant.
There were a lot of interesting little paradigms for me last night. I learned some little things. I think I will journal them...something I don't normally do anymore.
Last night was worth me effort to attend. I'm invited to a drumming circle next Friday which I plan on attending. I figure I'll be safe enough at a drumming circle because I'll be pretty busy. Also, a lady came up to me and for a little less than a couple of hundered quid would like to do a special cloak for me. (I feel really good about her. I got a good read of her and the HPS knows her well and she is in regular attendance. She is also doing a cloak for the HP). She described it and I am now considering it although I would need to find a good portion of the money for it which remains a mystery. I'm going to have to think about that. If it's meant to be it will happen.

Heart of Isis

Lunacie
February 2nd, 2006, 11:03 AM
:clapping: I'm so glad to hear you were able to attend the ritual (I didn't see this before you went) and that you did so well and enjoyed yourself. The HP sounds like a marvelous person, very caring about everyone who is in circle and not just her own importance.

I believe Isis would be happy to put her wings around you any time you need a little extra lift or protection. It doesn't have to be a special occasion, eh?

Pesha
February 2nd, 2006, 07:47 PM
Very happy for you dear. Blessings.

BB
DS.

Heart of Isis
February 2nd, 2006, 10:52 PM
:clapping: I'm so glad to hear you were able to attend the ritual (I didn't see this before you went) and that you did so well and enjoyed yourself. The HP sounds like a marvelous person, very caring about everyone who is in circle and not just her own importance.

I believe Isis would be happy to put her wings around you any time you need a little extra lift or protection. It doesn't have to be a special occasion, eh?

Yes, the HPS is very aware of such things and has changed from the past a bit too. She used to strongly request that attendees adhere to a strict dress code. (One which I just don't have the required attire for). I just didn't have the natural fiber, no plastic, metal, etc. That's been done away with now (I just learned). Everybody is allowed to come as they are and some of us dress up because we want to or our respectives dieties resquest it of us. (A number of people dress for the occasion without being asked). I always have tried to look me best at ritual. I was goong to wear a Ren fair type shirt, but at the last minute Goddess wanted something else. I wore a black silk long sleeve shirt, black jeans, black cloth shoes, me black cloak, me Isis ring, A new sterling silver little Ankh necklace I purchased from the HPS at her shop a week ago and my Isis pendant necklace everything silver of course in keep with Isis and my assigned birth metal or what have you. (I just can't wear gold well). The HPS likes what I wear to ritual anyway. (She did request for me to wear me cloak...all black and smooth velvet...a lovely thing it is and somewhat protective, she loves it and I did. Any chance to wear it I do it). She wants to see me get the custom one done for Isis, but I have to consider the expense...so we will see.

Yes, Isis and I are "sooooo attached" (at least that's what has been told to me over and over). Isis does that a lot...she will show up at nearly any ritual I attend. It's always been like that. Last night for instance, I was not expecting Isis to show up, yet there she was standing behind me holding my arms and making me move them in the way she moves hers with her wings spread. She has certain reverent stances and I guess it was time for me to learn them last night. (I did wonder at first few seconds if we were directing aircraft. Good thing she is familiar with my sense of humor). I was very much with her on it though. I could feel her smiling on me...she was pleased with my quick learning. I kind of liked it anyway.
You should have seen what was going on with the candle I was holding....woah! In fact, I want to post a question about that shortly.

Heart of Isis

Lunacie
February 3rd, 2006, 10:13 AM
My goddess also understands that I can be a bit... irreverent... ;) Our circle (not an actual coven) is pretty loose and laughs at mistakes and stray thoughts like that quite a bit. We all know we're serious about our spirituality, but we can have fun with it. And the gods seem to enjoy doing strange things to watch our reactions.

I'm not a gold person either, silver is all I wear. Not so much black, but now and then. It's too cold in the winter here to have our rituals outdoors so I don't get much chance to wear my long black cloak. I have a short black one made of light weight wool blend that I wear much more often. Especially to Ren Faires.

We're having our Imbolg ritual tomorrow night (this Saturday). I haven't seen a copy of the ritual so I guess I'll just have to go with the flow. I'm going to drumming circle before the ritual, so I probably won't change out of my jeans, but maybe I'll wear my black Ren shirt. And lots of silver jewelry. :)