So what do I do...?

[RubyRose]

Well it's 9:45pm here, and my fiancee Rhyce, called me at 4pm just after work to tell me he was going over a mates place for 1 to 2 hours to help him with the computer. So rightfully Rhyce should have been home at 6pm, 7pm at the latest.

He hasn't turned up yet, and I rang Warren's house (where Rhyce was supposed to be) only to find out from his mum that Rhyce wasn't there and never had been there today.

I realise it's somewhat petty, but since Xander's been born, Rhyce get's out of the house a hell of a lot more, by himself than I do. I mean, I'd settle for just getting out of the house myself, even if I do have to take Xander.

And when I mean Rhyce get's out more, I'm not just talking of the 5 days a week he works. I'm usually left at home, on a Sunday, while he's out with his mates.

So, I'm contemplating ripping into him when he get's home, first for lying and then for coming home way later than he said.

I don't know, It just seems as though I seem to be raising our son alone.

[Ceres]

Ouch! I am sorry you have this on your hands in addition to the challenges of a newborn too! You arent wrong to feel stuck with the responsibilities, but I think its not an unusual thing. Many men think when confronted with this that their wives want to get out too, missing that sometimes we just dont want to be alone in being responsible for all the childcare.

[Faery-Wings]

ITA agree Rad.

I remember going through this and having my hubby say, "Well you can go out any time You want." Ya, like it was that easy. By the time I had the baby(ies) covered- he would be home at said specified time, baby was fed, changed, instructions on feeding schedule written out, I was too tired to go anywhere.
Or if baby was coming with- after simply packing the diaper bag, who wanted to go out?

men seem to not get it- at least most don't. Babies don't change their lives on a routine based daily grind level.

But I must say, ripping into him-- as much as I know you want to and as much as he needs to hear it- is only going to make him defensive.

Talk to him about how it makes you feel. Then make plans to get out with a girlfreind, while he stays home with the baby. And if you come home a bit later than expected and Xander is restless for mommy, oh well.

[RubyRose]

Yeah, it's getting rather frustrating, because it's not just a one off. Like when he does go out on Sunday's (he knows I'd rather he didn't) he'll ask me what time I want him home, so I'll give him a time, and he'll turn up 1 to 2 hours later.

It wouldn't be so bad, if he answered his mobile phone, but he isn't, and it's a little late to start calling his mates.

Really not happy.

[Gracecat]

I remember feeling that way. Luckily he keeps his free time with a newborn down to a minimal. I'm almost guaranteed he'll be gone fishing all day Saturday. I can't say anything bad about him though because he does come home early if I have an evening out with my social organization I want to attend.

I agree with Faery-wings. Ask if he'd keep the baby on a very specific date and time. Tell him you'll try to be home at a certain hour but it may be a bit later. Tell him how you feel and acknowledge you don't mind if he gets out some, but you feel lonely and would also appreciate a "family night" once a week. Make a deal, no bickering, no baiting, no sniping, no fighting, no nagging, nothing negative. This is time to bond as parents over their son, all positive all night. And that once in a while you'd appreciate it if he didn't make it feel like you were alone in raising Xander.

I wouldn't hit him with this all at once though. This is definitely a conversation that needs to unfold over a period of days, in small doses and when you're both relaxed.

I do sympathize, and as a mom to mom, I'd be subject in my anger to say he sounds like he's acting like a real rat with his selfishness. Honestly, I'd have to say I'd be concerned about where he's been opposed to where he said he would be. I don't demand my husband to account for every step of his day, he's a grown boy. But I would appreciate a somewhat loosely based idea. If he was home within an hour for example and you discovered he never went to Warrens, it's possible he skipped that and went to a favored store. If he announces he's at a buddies and doesn't show up for hours after he said he'd be home... I won't accuse him of sleeping around, but I would naturally wonder why he had to lie to me.

[Winter_wolf]

My fiancee now hubby pull some similar crap shortly after our daughter was born. He was on a selfish trip and was going out and leaving me alone with a crying infant. I blew up at him on several occasions and he copped attitude with me saying if I wanted I could go out as well. (sound familar :p) My maternal insticts wouldn't let me initially then after some prodding from my friend I left the baby alone with him. I turned off my cell phone and went shopping... for hours and hours. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do... all I kept thinking about was my daughter and if she was ok. I definately didn't enjoy my outing but it was necessary... when I returned he was a wreck. He did alright with our baby but freaked when he couldn't get ahold of me when he had a question. Then he got to experience the anxiety that I felt when he went out with his buddy and partied. After that he was a lot more understanding.

If you trust him enough with the baby I'd recommend doing the same thing to him. All it took was once with my hubby... It tore me up leaving my daughter like that but it was necessary.

[Kalika]

You should sit him down and explain to him how you feel about what he's doing.

He has a child to think about now too - and being responsible and doing what you say is a big part of that. If you can't trust him to come home when he says he's going to, how can you trust him to do other things, such as pick up the baby on time, or get to doctor's appointments on time... etc. Punctuality may not seem like a big deal to him... until you point it out this way.

There is also the worry factor - he should be where he says he's going to be, and you should be able to reach him. What would happen if there were an emergency? I'm not saying you have to know where he is 100% of the time - but he should make an effort to do what he says he's going to do and be where he says he's going to be. I know plans change - but like you said, he has a mobile phone - answer the thing. That's why he has it in the first place.

I agree with what others have said - I don't think this is all that uncommon. Having a new baby, new responsibilities, etc takes a lot of adjustment for both of you - but he needs to realize that you shouldn't be the only one making adjustments and concessions, and that there are some common courtesies that he should extend to you so that you don't have to deal with this on top of everything else.

:hugz:

Hang in there hon - I hope that you guys can get things worked out to a degree that is acceptable to comfortable for both of you!

[Semele]

I think the issue is more about him lying to you and less about you not getting time to go out alone. Or rather, the more important issue I guess. Once you establish why he thinks he has a right to lie to you and why you feel he has the right to do that..then figure out when and how you will get time out apart and together etc. Lying is not good.

[MysticWitch]

You have ever right to be mad. If he wanted to say out he should have called you and asked but for him to not let u know what's going on, expecially when you have a baby together is disrespectful. You dont have to yell and scream but sit down with him and let him know that behavior isnt going to happen again.

[Green Fairy]

i say only blow up if he has been lying, but try to make him understand that there has to be compromise and communication, especially now that there is a newborn, and i'm sure you're hormones are not back to the norm just yet

[Gracecat]

You have ever right to be mad. If he wanted to say out he should have called you and asked but for him to not let u know what's going on, expecially when you have a baby together is disrespectful. You dont have to yell and scream but sit down with him and let him know that behavior isnt going to happen again.


Better yet, explain what will happen if his behavior doesn't improve.

[Kalika]

Better yet, explain what will happen if his behavior doesn't improve.

And follow through if it doesn't.

[RunningBear]

As a dad I'd want to know why he doesn't want to spend every spare minute with his newborn kid. I know I sure as hell did. Feeding, bathtime, bedtime stories even stinky nappy changing can be made fun with a tickling and giggling session. Seems to me like he is missing out on building some wonderful memories. Perhaps he doesn't realise this? Just my thoughts.

[Nighthawk]

Boy, this is just not getting better, is it?
He has no business lying to you. That is a crappy thing to do to someone you say you care about.
I am sorry. This guy is really a trip.

[RubyRose]

Well ... my bad. Turns out he wasn't lying, I just got the place wrong. See Warren's been staying at his girlfriends place for the past week, as his father is over. So Rhyce was with Warren, its just Warren wasn't at his mother's place where I automatically assumed he meant he would be.

Rhyce came home between 11:30pm and 11:45pm and he'd left his mobile phone in the car, of all places.

Yeah so I got angry at him, in an angry looks, silent manner. And then proceeded to tell him, he should have called. All he could do was apologise. Which was lame in my opinion. Time just doesn't seem to have a meaning for him of late.

I was sitting here, just moments ago, thinking, how much harder its going to be when we move out of my parents place, and Rhyce is at work. Because normally my mum gives me a break, if Xander doesn't feel like sleeping.

[Faery-Wings]

I am glad he wasn't lying.
However- as a parent, he has to realize that he needs his phone with him. Gods forbid something happened to Xander and you needed to reach him.

Hang in there Ruby. Having a newborn is one of the hardest periods in life with the most adjustments imaginable. It does get easier:)

[Ceres]

Faery Wings is right. The first baby is a DOOZIE. You are just so in love with your baby, but at the same time there are so many changes in your life that you feel totally overwhelmed. Its not unusual to feel like you have screwed up your life completely! It really does get easier and you and Rhyce will find your groove parenting together as long as you keep talking and work at it.

[Faery-Wings]

Oh yes, I remember having that htought- What did I do???? ANd the following guilt.... but that is normal, and it really is worth it.
You're doing great Ruby.

[Kalika]

RubyRose - maybe you should make some sort of stipulations for you two moving out on your own... such as each doing certain things around the house, etc... so that its clear from the get-go who is responsible for what, and what the consequences are. That would be a start, at the very least.

[Lunacie]

Rhyce may feel like a "fifth wheel" since you're still living with your mom and she's helping out with the baby. If it were just the two of you he might feel more needed and more a part of the new family. Just guessing...

[atropa]

As a dad I'd want to know why he doesn't want to spend every spare minute with his newborn kid. I know I sure as hell did. Feeding, bathtime, bedtime stories even stinky nappy changing can be made fun with a tickling and giggling session. Seems to me like he is missing out on building some wonderful memories. Perhaps he doesn't realise this? Just my thoughts.

Thank you RunningBear! I am glad there are men that get that.

[Kalika]

Thank you RunningBear! I am glad there are men that get that.

My husband thinks this way also...

It's hard for either of us to imagine a dad that wouldn't be involved in every second that he possibly could.

Though, both of us were raised with fathers that were that way.

Maybe that has something to do with it... not wanting to be like your parents and all that.

[RubyRose]

Rhyce has said it will be different when it's just the three of us. Iknoe my parents do tend to get in the way of things at times, which frustrates Rhyce.

[Kalika]

Rhyce has said it will be different when it's just the three of us. Iknoe my parents do tend to get in the way of things at times, which frustrates Rhyce.

The present should give you some indicator of the future though... he should want to be involved now - after all Xander is his child and yours - you guys should have the most say over what goes on in regards to him, no matter where you are living.

:hugz:

[Ceres]

This is the time to create those bonds as well. Putting it off till the baby is older or till the situation is ideal is just a waste of time and the time they are small is SO short. Babies dont remember individual experiences they have at this age BUT they do learn a lot about you and the world in these early monthes just the same.

[Kalika]

This is the time to create those bonds as well. Putting it off till the baby is older or till the situation is ideal is just a waste of time and the time they are small is SO short. Babies dont remember individual experiences they have at this age BUT they do learn a lot about you and the world in these early monthes just the same.

Isn't their first months those where they learn to "recognize" their mommy and daddy as well? Not merely by sight, but by the way they are held, the way their parents smell, etc?

It's an excellent time for bonding, as the baby is less overwhelmed with the outside world in those first few months... can't do much on his own, can't see all that great... so cuddling and all that is how they learn who you are and how they bond with you.

[Ceres]

yes :) imprinting as the psychologists say

[Winter_wolf]

Rhyce has said it will be different when it's just the three of us. Iknoe my parents do tend to get in the way of things at times, which frustrates Rhyce.

I don't know but that statement from him really bothers me. You might want to talk to your parents and have them back off a bit and get him more involved with the baby now. You don't want to get in a situation where you move out with him and he keeps leaving you alone with the baby all the time.

[Athena-Nadine]

I don't know but that statement from him really bothers me. You might want to talk to your parents and have them back off a bit and get him more involved with the baby now. You don't want to get in a situation where you move out with him and he keeps leaving you alone with the baby all the time.

*...nods...* It bothered me too. Saying something like that is nothing but an excuse to continue behaving that way.

I've been with boys who said things like this and acted like this. Thankfully, we had no children. Nothing ever changed.

RubyRose, if you want him to respect you and grow up, you are going to have to demand it. Accepting him giving you a crap line about how things will be different when... is doing nothing but enabling his behavior and telling him that you will let him walk all over you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I've seen too much of this from him over the years and I don't see it getting any better. You are as responsible for the state of your relationship as he is. You are allowing him to act like a child, and as long as you put up with it, it will continue. Living with your parents is no excuse. He has responsibilities and it is time he lived up to them.

You need to decide what you really want. If you are willing to put up with his behavior for the rest of your life, fine. But if not, you need to make that completely clear and take whatever action necessary to stop it. No ultimatums. If you say you cannot live like that, then you must follow through and not live like that.

I wish you luck in whatever path you take.

[RubyRose]

Thanks guys, Rhyce and I had a chat the other day and there has been a marked improvement in that time.

[Kalika]

:hugz:

Good! I hope that things continue on that way.

[Athena-Nadine]

I am so glad to hear it. I hope things continue to get better for you. :hugz:

[RubyRose]

Thanks.