I need some advice

[tigers_fire]

I have a friend who I care very deeply for and I know that she has some major issues with anger. I can't confront her for fear of how I know she will react or should I say explode. She won't admit she has a problem. She always blames others. How can I reach her before our friendship is thrown away forever? I'm at the end of my rope!!!:bangyourh :ahhhhhhh:

[AineDanu]

Maybe you can give her a stone or an herbal sachet that promotes calming and soothing feelings instead of anger? I'm sure some people here can offer you advice on what to use. Also maybe sending her energy to solve the issues that are causing this behavior - although if you do not have her permission I would send to her higher self and phrase it along the lines of "if you accept this on her behalf" or "I send this energy for you to use for the best outcome" or something similar. I'm sure you understand my point on that:)

As for talking to the friend - I would maybe try those for a day or two or if neither is comfortable to you to do then maybe you can write a heart-felt letter expressing your feelings and fear that the friendship will be lost. If you do this or if you talk to her make sure you use the word YOU as little as possible as it often makes a person feel they are being attacked or blamed for things which will automatically make the defenses go up.

Again if the letter doesnt feel comfortable then just speak from the heart using the above advice about phrasing and try very hard to let her know you are saying these things because you care about her and you do not want the friendship to end.

I hope this helps. If you end up needing a shoulder or ear let me know:) you can pm or message me anytime. Best of luck and hugggs to you.

[Little Billy]

I have a friend who I care very deeply for and I know that she has some major issues with anger. I can't confront her for fear of how I know she will react or should I say explode. She won't admit she has a problem. She always blames others. How can I reach her before our friendship is thrown away forever? I'm at the end of my rope!!!:bangyourh :ahhhhhhh:

Email. Be nice, but direct.

[Brenda]

Just try to talk with her when she's not in an anger mood, maybe she doesn't know in what way she's reacting, so when she's doing it again, try to warn her and calm her down.
I know this isn't easy, but my friend has the same problem, and every time she's overreacting I just say "You're doing it again" and slowly walk away, then she comes to her senses again.

[BrigidMoon]

Email. Be nice, but direct.


LB has a good point, written words you can stare at a while and let it sink in.

[RunningBear]

I have a friend who I care very deeply for and I know that she has some major issues with anger. I can't confront her for fear of how I know she will react or should I say explode. She won't admit she has a problem. She always blames others. How can I reach her before our friendship is thrown away forever? I'm at the end of my rope!!!:bangyourh :ahhhhhhh:

I think you are quite right when you say you can't confront her. A confrontation will only spark anger and potentially damage your relationship. Personally I wouldn't use email either. I have had problems with anger myself and once completely blew a fuse when someone sent me an email about something I felt they should have come and spoken to me about in person.

I think you should start by being sympathetic and agreeing with her. Say things like "Yes I can see how that would make you feel angry". Once she has accepted that you are on her side then, you can suggest other ways of thinking about situations that don't result in angry feelings. There are plenty of anger management sites on the internet to give ideas for this. One I like is http://www.anger-management-techniques.org/index.htm
which is a Buddhist site.

[Little Billy]

LB has a good point, written words you can stare at a while and let it sink in.


ANd when her friend goes totally postal, she won't be around.

By the time she is, one presumes her friend will have calmed down.

[Mistress_MinPin]

Maybe she just wants to know that someone is there for her. Or maybe she just needs to know that some cares. I would just let her be.

[NiftyWings]

I agree there needs to be some discussion, otherwise you'll only be left with two choices...put up with it, or end the relationship.

My suggestion would be not to send an email...too impersonal for something this emotionally intense, and often things are easily misinterpreted.

Arrange to have a talk with her, and be prepared. Let her know in advance that you have something serious to discuss with her, so she doesn't feel ambushed when you meet. Plan to meet at a public place, to reduce the chance and/or severity of an outburst. If other people are having this problem with her, invite one or two of them along. That way she can't say "It's just you". Before you start talking, make it clear that it's important she allow you to finish what you have to say, without interrupting you.

Organize your thoughts in writing before the meeting:

1. Start out by telling her some positive things...what is it about her that makes you want to preserve this friendship? Starting out on a positive note will also help avoid her going straight into a defensive mode.

2. Separate the person from the behavior. For example, don't say things like "you're too angry" or "you're mean". Focus on what it is that she's doing, and how it makes you feel: "It hurts my feelings when you say ____"; "I feel upset and afraid when you yell and throw things"; "It's hard to talk to you, because I'm afraid you'll get angry".

3. Let her know that you value the friendship, and want it to survive. Make it clear that the friendship is NOT going to continue unless she's willing to change.

4. Ask what you can do to support her in getting help.

If you don't get a positive result from this, wish her well and walk away, knowing you did all you could.

[AineDanu]

I just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Please let us know how you are doing:) and of course feel free to pm me at anytime.

Hugs and take care.