The Apocrypha to the Vengeful Testament of Eris Part 1 [Archive] - MysticWicks Online Pagan Community and Spiritual Sanctuary

Cain

March 4th, 2006, 06:43 AM

Dont ask where I got this, it mysertiously appeared in my wardrobe one day, after a drinking session and reading some Spike Milligan. Its a bitch to transcript too.

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The Apocrypha to the Vengeful Testament of Eris

I. An Account Of the Creation (compiled from eyewitness reports and press releases)

I. In the beginning was the Word.
II. And the word was “Damn!”
III. Verily, several other words followed, and they were “I’m sure that wasn’t meant to happen.”
IV. And thus the Universe was created.
V. And Eris said, “Let There Be Light” but woe there were brownouts in California.
VI. And Eris saw the light and it was good. Eris also saw the monthly bill quadruple after deregulation, and that was not good.
VII. And the Lady did say, “Let There Be Firmament”, and lo she did think, this colour does not go with my eyes well.
VIII. And Eris did bring forth dry land and did command the water to be gathered unto one place. And in London the land went at $6000 a square metre, and lo the water rarely stayed in on one place for long.
IX. And Eris did say “Let There Be Grass” and her followers smoke it unto this day in thanks.
X. And the Lady did say “Let There Be Light In Heaven to Give Light To Earth” and there were many reports of UFOs, except over England where autumnal weather meant it was overcast.
XI. And the Lady did say “Let The Sea Bring Forth Life” and it did, but EU fishing quotas did not stop over fishing there.
XII. And Eris blessed them, saying “Be Fruitful, Multiply and Fill the Sea, And Let Fowl Multiply On The Earth”, but lo, many of the fowl did catch bird flu and died.
XIII. And Eris did say, “Let The Earth Bring Forth Cattle and Creeping Things” and there came cows, and Republican Presidential candidates.
XIV. And Eris did say, “Let Us Make Man in Our Own Image”, but woe, creative differences caused the design team to pursue individual projects.
XV. And she said “Let Humanity Have Dominion Over Fish, Cattle, Fowl and Anything Else Stupid Enough To Follow them Around”.
XVI. And Eris said, “Behold, I Have Given Thee The First Of Free Yielding Seed” but Monsanto did copyright it and sell it for extortionate amounts.

II. On The Creation Of Man And Woman

I. And on the 6th day, Eris did rest from her labours, with full backing from the Fireman’s Union and a strike by the London Underground train drivers.
II. And every plant and herb was in the earth, for Eris had not caused it to rain, and Bob Geldolf had not yet pestered the G8 for their lack of action.
III. And the Lady did form man and woman out of dust of the ground and did breathe life into them, and they were thankful for the Lady attending that first aid course.
IV. The Lady planted a Garden in Eden and placed man and woman there, and to this day the residual memory rests with TV producers.
V. And out of the ground grew every tree that was pleasing to the Lady, but woe She had not counted on logging rights being granted in the region.
VI. And Eris did put man and woman in the Garden to dress and take care of it, but said on Her tax that they were part time labour and so did not come under a health plan.
VII. The Lady did say of any tree in the garden though may eat freely, but She was apprehended for inciting theft at Speakers Corner, Hyde Park.
VIII. But of the tree of Certainty and thou shall most surely die, for it was sprayed with DDT.
IX. And both man and woman were naked, and they were not ashamed. However, it did get somewhat nippy at night, and there were arrested for indecency at Euston Station.

Cain

June 23rd, 2006, 09:26 AM

III. Beware of the Step (aka The Fall)

I. Now the giraffe was more subtle than the beasts of the field; he said unto the woman “Come and eat the fruit of this tree.” The woman did reply “nay, if we eat or touch of it we will die.” And the giraffe said “Fear not, they are not from Spain,” whereupon she ate of it and gave some to her husband.
II. And the eyes of them were opened and they both observed the order of the Universe around them, for this was the fruit of Aneris. They also realized they were naked.
III. And the Lady Eris did call unto Brad : “Where art thou?”
IV. And Brad, for that was his name, said “I art here.”
V. But both Brad and Britney knew they were naked and the sewed on fig leaves, which is much harder than it sounds, especially with no needles or thread.
VI. And Eris said “Who told thee thou wast naked?”
VII. And Brad said “I could see it all hanging down.”
VIII. “Has thou eaten of the orange?” asked Eris.
IX. “Yea, Britney gave it to me” he answered. “The skin tasted bad.”
X. “Woman” Eris said, “what has thou done?”
XI. And she replied “I haven't done anything, I only just got here.”
XII. And Eris said unto the giraffe “because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all the other beasts of the earth; with a long neck thou shalt go so and so thou shall look really silly and make everyone laugh at you for the rest of your days.”
XIII. “This is victimization and racism to boot” said the giraffe. “I hope PETA burn your house down.
XIV. And Britney saw Patamunzo and said “Lo, I have gotten a son from the Lady.
XV. And she got another son and they were called Patamunzo and Lingananda.
XVI. And it came to pass that Patamunzo rose up and slew Lingananda very badly.
XVII. And the Lady did say “ 'Ello 'ello 'ello, whats going on 'ere then?”
XVIII. And the Lady set a cursed mark upon Patamunzo – it was on his right forearm and said NYPD.
XIX. And Patamunzo went out from Eden to the Land of Thud, but there was a curse on the land; it was called MacDonalds.
XX. And Patamunzo knew his wife and she bore him a child, Rybicki, and in the goodness of time they were collecting social security payments.
XXI. And Brad did live 123 years, only dying after following the advice of a life expansion mail order course. He begat a son called Derek, who went on to begat a hell of a lot more sons and daughters and eventually collapsed from exhaustion while looking for some Vaseline.
XXII. Derek did live 97 years and after IVF begat a son called Ziggy.
XXIII. And it came to pass that humanity began to multiply on the earth – and lo there were long queues at the supermarket and house prices did shoot up.
XXIV. And the sons of Eris saw the daughters of men and they were fair; and they took of them wives as all if they so chose and woe the sleepy arrangements were dodgy.
XXV. And Eris did look again upon the earth and lo, it was corrupt with another series of American Idol.
XXVI. She sayeth unto Psiqosys to build an ark and collect two of every animal of the earth, except those bloody giant lizards and place them in it. After several hundred bites and 3 cases of being vomited upon, he did collect them. And soon Psiqosys and his family were up to their neck in it and his wife did say “For Eris's sake, I told you to build a poop deck!”
XXVII. And Eris made it rain 23 days and 23 nights and the world was flooded, except England where there was a hosepipe ban and drought warnings.
XXVIII. And the rain and waters did prevail over the earth for 17 weeks and woe, Wimbledon was put back on the TV schedules.
XXIX. And the waters did abate and Psiqosys sent forth an eagle – yea it went forth and stayed forth.
XXX. Psiqosys then sent a parrot forth and it came back with some peanuts it had plucked off. Psiqosys himself was pretty plucked off.
XXXI. Psiqosys waited 5 days then sent forth the parrot again. But it stayed forth, having being shot by Prince Phillip on a hunting trip.
XXXII. And when the land had dried, Psiqosys opened the ark up and let it all out.
XXXIII. And he did make a burnt offering unto the Lady using a DIY barbecue. But Eris was angry and said “this offering is burnt.” So he sweareth and ordered takeaway instead.
XXXIV. And Psiqosys went forth with his wife and planted a vineyard. Soon he was as drunk as a newt, singing rude songs about hedgehogs.
XXXV. And Chop saw the nakedness of his father and was jealous of its size. For it was there for all to see and Chop told his two brethren.
XXXVI. And Phlegm and Jahep took a garment and went backward and covered the nakedness; and their faces were backward, so they did not watch for the step and falleth over.
XXXVII. Then Psiqosys awoke from the wine – he saw some joker had tied a blue ribbon round it and he hideth it with his hands.
XXXVIII. And all the days of Psiqosys were 175, the last 100 in an old persons home. Lo he died of blindness, he did not see the bus while crossing the road and dieth of it.
XXXIX. And the children of Psiqosys begat many children and they too begat children – there was begatting everywhere, you couldn't go for a jog without seeing some.

VI. An Account of Hung Mung

I. But Sarai was barren. She had no children and the Lady brought her to Hung Mung, who did her until it fell off. Then the Lady Eris blessed Hung Mung – but Sarai said “Bugger that, get him off.”
II. And Eris said unto Hung Mung “Get thee out of the country.” And Hung Mung said “but what about Customs and Excise?”
III. “It will pass” said Eris. As she spoke they went past, so Hung Mung offered Eris another burnt offering. The Lady was angry and said this was worse than English cooking. Hung Mung was sore afraid and fell on his face. Eris asked “Does that hurt?”
Hung Mung said “yes.”
And Eris did say “upsydaisy.”
So Huug Mung upped his daisy.
IV. And Eris did say “Now lift up thine eyes, look from this place thou art northwards, southwards, westwards, eastwards and side to side.
“It maketh me dizzy” said Hung Mung.
V. And some passed until Hung Mung did say “Behold, thou hast given me no child.” The word of the Lady ame unto him saying, “this shall not be thine heir.”
“Oh” said Hung Mung.
And Eris did say “but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thy heir.”
For months he did wait, but nothing came out of his bowels. “How long, O Lady?” he asked while sat on the loo.
Eris said “Hung Mung, stop thy straining for it will not come to pass any faster.”
VI. When Hung Mung was 99 years, Eris did come to him with a hip replacement and said unto him “walk before me and be perfect.” But Hung Mung did fall on his face and Eris saw he was far from perfect, so She gave unto him a physiotherapist.
VII. And Eris did gift him with the Sacred Chao and told him to bear it with him wherever he went. And Hung Mung was worried it would eat all the grass and shit everywhere. “Fear not” said Eris, giving him the symbol. “And those that refuse to recognize it will be cursed and shall fall into the stinging nettles for the rest of their life.”
VIII. Then Eris said “I shall bless Sarai and she will bear a child by you.” Hung Mung laughed and cracked many ribs “a child at my age?”
“Fear not, I shall pay for the IVF and you shall have a son named Dru'el.”
IX. And Eris appeared on a burning shrub, but lo there was a smell of burning hairs.
X. And Eris appeared again before Hung Mung on the Plains of Guangxi, which are safer then the planes of United American Air. Hung Mung would make a feast for the Lady, he gave a lamb to the butcher who dressed it, it came back in a crop top, minskirt and high heels, for he was from Wales. Eris was well pleased with the joke and said to Hung Mung “thou shalt have a son. Now go forward and begat.”
XI. Hung Mung went to Sarai and said “Eris wants me to start a nation. And Sarai laughed and said “you couldn't start a car.”
XII. The brother of Hung Mung had a son called Tony and he grew up, which is the right direction, and he lived near the cities of Irakleio and Knossos, sinful places where record executives, policemen, politicians and other criminals lived.
XII. And Eris said unto Hung Mung “Because the sin of Irakleio and Knossos is great, I will go down and see if they have done altogether according to the cry of it which is come unto me and if not I will know.
XIII. “What???” said Hung Mung.
XIV. Then Tony spake “Up, let us get out of this place.” Tony's wife sobbed, for they had just bought a new house in the better part of town and she had not yet had time to decorate it.
Eris appeared in a cloud of smoke and said from somewhere in it “I will destroy these cities, it will cost HSBC dearly.
XV. Tony then sayeth what sounded like a koan “behold now, this city is near to flee unto and it is a little one. Let me escape hither (is it not a little one?).”
And Eris appeared a bowl of porridge: “Flee this city, but do not look back to shout “I told you so.”” Then Eris rained upon Knossos and Irakleio fire, brimstone and fish and all the roads were closed. Tony and his family had left, but woe! His wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. So Tony did not have to buy salt for the rest of his days.
XVI. And Hung Mung rose early and saw the city in smoking ruins and did say “bugger, I left my phone in that.”
XVII. And with his two daughters, Tony did leave Kyparissia where they had fled, as the prices were far too high.
One daughter said to the other “Our father is old and there is not a man in the world to come to us.” For Tony there was no speed dating in the land. The daughters said “Let us give our father wine that we may preserve our seed.” And for 6 nights they saved many seeds. Tony said he couldn't remember any of it and was then put on Jerry Springer's show.
XVIII. Aneris did tempt a man named Gerry and said unto him “Gerry, behold here I am” and sure enough she was there. She did say “take Hung Mung's son, Dru'el, take him to the land of Attica and offer him for a burnt offering.”
“Thou wantest to make him snuff it?”
“Yea” say Aneris.
So Gerry made a huge barbecue and told Dru'el to get on it. And Gerry asked “Do you want him with a side of onions?”
Dru'el did say “Um, its getting pretty hot up here.”
“I'm only obeying orders” Gerry said he basted Dru'el with first cold pressing olive oil. As he took up a carving knife St Gulik appeared and said “Lay not a hand upon the child.”
“Whats up?” asked Gerry. “Has she gone vegetarian?”
XIX. And Sarai died in the Sterea Ellada; when they opened the Sterea Ellada they found her lying there upon the floor. Hung Mung wept and sayeth unto his sons “Give me a burying place that I may bury the dead out of sight.
“You could bury her at night?” they suggested.
He did and fell in the grave. And Dru'el said “at your age it isn't worth the effort of climbing out.”
XX. Hung Mung was indeed very old. As he bowed down before the Lady he got it in the back. Then he gave up everything of his to Dru'el, including his collectors edition albums of the Spice Girls and his crippling gambling debt. Then he gave up the ghost.