Honeymoon's Over

[angelicwitch1983]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!

[Little Billy]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!


Little Billy can help.

Beat his ass. Go nuts. He won't listen, otherwise. It sounds as if he has a jones, and you'll have to deal with this the same way you would deal with it if he started drinking every night.

Either that, or wreck the console/computer. There are easy, undetectable ways to temporarily or permanently disable either one.

Then, once the games are out of the picture, jump his bones and remind him that real life can be more fun than video games.

[-Ember]

What is scary is that that is becoming kinda an epidemic, with lots of theories as to why so many guys of this generation are turning out like this. With theories ranging from parents were too easy on them and never really made them do anything and they just got accustomed to being taken care of to parents gave them too high of expectations and the crappy first steps are too degrading and make them feel like losers to them being too confused about new gender roles that they just kinda revert to the simplicity of little kid relationship.

Don't know what to say... hopefully some of these guys can be fixed and become responsible adults. But for a lot of them it seems to require being hit with some serious doses of reality... like a couple failed marriages and child support payments and realizing they are forty and still living in a student-like apartment or their parent's basement.

[Necrosapien]

Well let me say this: While I don't normally agree with LB's lil comments (of course most of those are in the political section of the forum anyways), I have to say go for it on this one. I have a problem with video games that I'm slowly trying to conquer. I neglected my last girlfriend. It wasn't because I didn't love her or care about her. My dependence on video games stemmed back to my childhood. I was yelled at a lot and so if I stayed holed up in my room, I couldn't get into any sort of trouble. I continued to do taht and ignore the life that was passing me by.

Fire at him with both barrells. Just don't forget to remind him that you love him, at least I tended to take things real personally and as a sign that others didn't care about me. So make sure he understands that you care about him and love him, but don't hold back on how you feel either.

My two cents, and as always, I am not responsible for what you do with this information. Good luck and I hope he's willing to listen.

[MysticWitch]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!

Games as in video games? Gambling poker games? other games?... Either way...
Anything that is causing tention in the relationship needs to be adjusted and FAST.. Of course u cant change people and u cant force him to give up something he loves.. but if he cares he will cut back on the games :cutie:

[2steps]

think I'd go with billys advice,may well be the only way to get him to take notice. A partnership is suppose to be 2 way and it'd be a shame for it to be ruined by a video game.

[The Lady]

Little Billy can help.

Beat his ass. Go nuts. He won't listen, otherwise. It sounds as if he has a jones, and you'll have to deal with this the same way you would deal with it if he started drinking every night.

Either that, or wreck the console/computer. There are easy, undetectable ways to temporarily or permanently disable either one.

Then, once the games are out of the picture, jump his bones and remind him that real life can be more fun than video games.

Sweet heart! This is going to be the best advice you will ever get in regards to this problem. Yes, yes, there are the psychiatric treatments but they won't work in this case. No no no This problem is as old as time and has the tried and true remedy. PLEASE!! Take LB's advice!!

It worked for my mom, her mom and the many mom's before her!! It worked for many of my friends, aunts, nieces, sister, myself and it will work for YOU!!! Sometimes it takes exactly this to make a man out of a boy.

Oh and can you let us know, not in graphic detail this is a PG13 web site, how it all went . . . down? 8O

[morningstar2651]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!Have you tried talking with him about it?

[angelicwitch1983]

yes i tried but then he starts making me regret it...either that or just gives me nonsense.

[morningstar2651]

yes i tried but then he starts making me regret it...either that or just gives me nonsense.How does he make you regret it, and what nonsense does he give you?

[angelicwitch1983]

a lot of it is just to make me feel bad for just asking a simple question. the nonsense is when he just goes off saying that he has limited money. :( id rather not say how it happens but he gets almost 400 a month and mostly goes to games.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I feel ya. My man is currently pissing his life away playing World of War Crack while I work 3 jobs...Im really hoping its just a phase, Id hate to have to take the sledge hammer to his hot rod again...Good luck!

[angelicwitch1983]

world of war crack huh? at least he's not playin that...surprisingly hes not into that kinda game. i think it just depends on the reviews and graphics and so on and so forth. anyway, im still thinking about what to do. i mean yeah, i can say something...i did say something but then he had a melt down. :sadman:

[Little Billy]

Have you tried talking with him about it?


Just talking to a junkie does nothing. A junkie will lie, cheat, steal, ANYTHING to get you to leave him alone so he can get his next fix.

Stronger measures are required.

[morningstar2651]

world of war crack huh? at least he's not playin that...surprisingly hes not into that kinda game. i think it just depends on the reviews and graphics and so on and so forth. anyway, im still thinking about what to do. i mean yeah, i can say something...i did say something but then he had a melt down. :sadman:
What was said?

[Callatya]

Oh dear, you poor thing :( thats a rotten situation to be in :( My younger brother had a gaming addiction, and it really drove a wedge in the family (although, through complete misunderstanding and mishandling of the situation, not the gaming itself).

If this is an escape, and you yank that out from under him, that could be disasterous. There is a reason many men (and women really) are addicted to computers and gaming, and a lot of it has to do with relationships formed in there and the ability to be who you want to be, not who you are. If he needs that to feel worthy, then coming down on him like a ton of bricks might be a bad plan, both for your relationship and his well-being.

My younger brother is a gamer, and he does use if for escape, and slowly but surely he is replacing that old habit with new ones, like work and study.
Since Xmas 05, 10 people in his clan have comitted suicide. I know I'm going to hear chicken and egg theories here, and to be honest the isolation of the online gaming thing probably a good part of it, but by the same token, take this to mean that people who emmerse themselves in RPG are usually not the most well-ajusted and stable, and if many things in real life are driving them to this, having someone throw ultimatums at them without offering them another option where they feel comfortable and worthy (and to be honest, its hard to feel worthy in a relationship where you are a dependant, BTDT) isn't likely to make things better.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it sucks, and something needs to be done for sure, but cutting it off cold turkey, guilt-tripping or smashing his gear isn't the way to go about it IME.

Maybe you could try getting a paintball team together? or maybe playing strategy board games with friends?

Most importantly though, maybe some counselling to figure out whats going on in that head of his.

*hug* I'm sorry, I hope that didn't sound too bad, I just figure a different perspective might help you figure out a way that will work for you :)

[Sitalique]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!
Sound like how my husband is. Always puts getting stuff for the computers (so he can play better games) before other stuff. Like using the tax money to get more memory, a dvd burner and new hard drives instead of using it to get me a car (so i could then get away from the house once in a while)...:sadman:

[morningstar2651]

Have you considered marriage counseling?

[Sun Sprite]

I have an ex-husband like that. Needless to say, it is an addiction. they will not realize anything is wrong until there is no food in the fridge or cubboards, and the electricity gets turned off for non-payment.

If he wants to play games for a living, find him a job where he gets paid for it. Otherwise, he is just your child, not your husband. Since he's over 18, you can do one of two things with your adult child: send him out on his own, or leave yourself. He won't know you are gone till the power goes out.

Sorry it has gone to this. I wish counsleing would work, but it would take his wanting to get well combined with an intensive addiction therapy program, and I don't know of any reputable ones.

Best wishes,
Sun Sprite

[angelicwitch1983]

i got him to take a quiz online and it said dangerously addicted. i talked to him about it and since then hes starting to act better; i mean hey, at least when we plan something, he'll stick with it like i do. :D thanks, guyz!:fpeace: _pounce_

[Faeawyn]

Perhaps you should also sit down with him and create a household budget. You make columns and say "I pay this...and you pay this"...Make sure his money goes towards helping with the bills before buying his games.

[mystic_peacock]

If it's an issue of money then he definately needs to consider what your household needs rather than what he as an individual needs. Maybe he just doesn't realize that games might be the one thing he needs to compromise for a successful marriage? I definately suggest a household budget--maybe he doesn't realize how much is going into his games?

My boyfriend loves World of Warcraft (War Crack... heh heh) and I didn't get it at first and was sort of resentful that he played so much. But then I started playing too and now I can relate to him on that level---it's gotten me into some other games he plays and we can actually have a good time playing games together or talking about them and it's made us closer. Maybe find a game that he likes that you can both play (I like Champions of Norath!) that can act as a bonding mechanism. Plus a game on a console that you two will play together will only cost money once---when you buy it. :) $50 for hours and hours of cooperation and fun! :)

Hmm..ramble. Sorry :)

Blessings.
Serra

[cloudspanther]

LOL mystic and I think alike on this

My husband used to be highly addicted to everquest, heck he told me when I was in labor with our second child that if my water had not broken, I was not bleeding he was Not logging.

What I did back than was I decided I cant nag him out of it, I cant whine him off the game, or wean . So instead I started playing the game, I played it just like he had been for the past 2 yrs. When he would say love I am going to bed, wink wink, will you be in soon. I would reply, oh sure honey, just let me finish this misson/group/ etc. Well that lasted for about 6 months and than he was love, we need to talk. I spent most of that time giggling my butt off. He finally caught on and said, UMM you were just showing me how you felt, how I have acted for the past few yrs with the games??? Now we tend to log together, play together, and he never puts anything real world before the game.

Sometimes it is an escape sometimes it is just for the fun, and sometimes it is really a emotional dependancey.

This could be his way of dealing with feeling that he is less a man cause you are paying for most stuff, it could be him trying to deal with real life in fantasy, what ever it is, time, love, and truth between partners , works.

lady bless,
clouds

[wintermagick]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!

Man does this ever sound familiar!

I actually have quite a few comments on this whole thread... but I think for now I'll address them individually. In fact, I'm probably going to practically highjack this thread, so to speak.

My husband started the first year and a half of our marriage this way... gaming and not working. He was a gamer even long before I knew him, and I didn't care much when we were dating, but the not working was simply unacceptable. He finally did get a good job... but the gaming got so much worse and out of control, and he claims he has to have this "hobby" accessable at all times BECAUSE of the stress from work. Now I can't get through to him at all... if he is not at work or asleep he is online gaming. If he's home he won't "let" me use the computer. He won't leave the house for anything except for work, and it has gotten so extreme that he won't even take the trash out anymore because he can't take those two minutes away from a quest/battle. If we have an errand to run where he has to leave the house during a scheduled battle he grumbles and whines (and even throws car keys and such around)... tantruming worse than our 14 month old daughter.

Can I offer any advice? Probably not. I'm wondering how our once beautiful and passionate relationship came to this and wondering how to deal with it once and for all myself. But I can offer you a sympathetic ear.

Good luck.

[wintermagick]

What is scary is that that is becoming kinda an epidemic, with lots of theories as to why so many guys of this generation are turning out like this. With theories ranging from parents were too easy on them and never really made them do anything and they just got accustomed to being taken care of to parents gave them too high of expectations and the crappy first steps are too degrading and make them feel like losers to them being too confused about new gender roles that they just kinda revert to the simplicity of little kid relationship.

Don't know what to say... hopefully some of these guys can be fixed and become responsible adults. But for a lot of them it seems to require being hit with some serious doses of reality... like a couple failed marriages and child support payments and realizing they are forty and still living in a student-like apartment or their parent's basement.

Last paragraph... you are eerily dead on. I wonder what can be done before it comes to the failed marriges and such? I guess it depends on the person... and if they realize that their fun little hobby has become an obession/addiction, and if they want to change. (It is very rare that they actually do).

As far as how they are raised... from your examples that is one extreme to the other (either a liberal child led upbringing or a more strict authoritarion environment)... so what *is* a person to do? (Because I certainly hope our child doesn't grow up to be this way). Again, I would think it depends on the circumstances in a person's life or whether or not they have a bit of an addictive personality.

[Kalika]

i know it's been a long time since ive posted here but i need to get this out of my chest. as you already know, ive moved out and got married a year ago to my childhood sweetie. the honeymoon's over and it feels like the fire is gone. instead of being sweet and everything, i feel like im building a tower of resentment on him. i have a job, i pay for groceries *a lot*, and i pay for utilities. all he does is pay for games. what can i do? im tired of this and i cry every night. even some of my friends noticed a change in him like he doesnt have his priorities straight i.e. games b4 me. help me!

Sit him down and explain to him that marriage is a partnership, and that just because you are now married does not mean that you are to be the only one holding up their end of the bargain. :p

But nicer. :)

[wintermagick]

Have you tried talking with him about it?

More likely than not, yes... she probably has "mentioned" it a few times. And he's probably placated her for the moment and said, "Oh... okay honey, I'll spend less time with this if it bothers you so much". And then two days later he is right back to it.

OK, yes, this is my experience. So somebody here mentioned marriage counseling, which would be the next logical step. I've expressed a desire for counseling for us, and he's so far refused. Pretty much his feeling on it was "you are the one who has the problem... everything feels fine on my end."

Guess that idea is out the window.

[Kalika]

More likely than not, yes... she probably has "mentioned" it a few times. And he's probably placated her for the moment and said, "Oh... okay honey, I'll spend less time with this if it bothers you so much". And then two days later he is right back to it.

OK, yes, this is my experience. So somebody here mentioned marriage counseling, which would be the next logical step. I've expressed a desire for counseling for us, and he's so far refused. Pretty much his feeling on it was "you are the one who has the problem... everything feels fine on my end."

Guess that idea is out the window.

Grrrr.

PARTNERSHIP. Marriage is.

Meaning if one person has a prob, you should both be willing to work on it. :awilly:

[wintermagick]

a lot of it is just to make me feel bad for just asking a simple question. the nonsense is when he just goes off saying that he has limited money. :( id rather not say how it happens but he gets almost 400 a month and mostly goes to games.

*Raises hand* My dear one always justifies his hobby with "at least I'm not out at the bars or clubs... I'm right here with you and the baby if you need me". And I feel horribly guilty and stupid, until...

...I realize that he's "not" there. Just because he is in the house doesn't mean he is there.

[wintermagick]

I feel ya. My man is currently pissing his life away playing World of War Crack while I work 3 jobs...Im really hoping its just a phase, Id hate to have to take the sledge hammer to his hot rod again...Good luck!

My last post for now, I promise! Just wanted to say that World of War Crack is my husband's crack of choice as well. Wonder if they are in the same server or something.

[AutumnWitchie]

I knew someone who was very addicted to gaming. If he wasn't out playing D&D with his buddies then he was holed up with the game console or computer. His wife had a baby about 4 months before I had my son. When she went into labor he took her to the hospital and went home to play on-line until her grandmother called him back to the hospital because she had to have an emergancy c-section. After they got Amy settled in a room he went out and played D&D all night with his friends. He lost his job and instead of trying to find another all he did was game. Amy is legally blind and gets some disabilty. They lived with her grandmother. All he seemed to worry about was gaming and cigerettes. He was always after my hubby to go play D&D. My hubby enjoys playing D&D and painting figurines for gaming. However, my hubby realized after we got married that there were alot of other things in life. This guy even tried to get my hubby to go play D&D the night our son was born....even though I had gone into shock 3 times and had an emergency c-section and was not doing well. My hubby was apalled that he would even ask. That is why hubby and I have agreed no game consoles in the house. Computer games are fine but only for 30 minutes to an hour at a time....no exceptions. We do not want our son being obsessed with games. Other people thing we're too harsh or ridgid but it hasn't seemed to hurt our son at all to use his imagination and not depend on electronic games for his amusement.

[wintermagick]

Grrrr.

PARTNERSHIP. Marriage is.

Meaning if one person has a prob, you should both be willing to work on it. :awilly:

True. But that's the thing with addictive behavior... it kind of erases one's normal rational thought and moral compass.

[Kalika]

True. But that's the thing with addictive behavior... it kind of erases one's normal rational thought and moral compass.

That's why you hit em over the head once in awhile to remind them. ;) :smash:

I think my hubby has OCD... except his obsessions run to things like speakers, stereo equipment, and cars... all of which he spends hours researching and thinking about.

We work on it and around it, but he knows that if he doesn't uphold his end of the deal, I'm not sticking around. We've been together for going on 8 years... it just takes some time to develop a sense of what works I think.

[wintermagick]

That's why you hit em over the head once in awhile to remind them. ;) :smash:

I think my hubby has OCD... except his obsessions run to things like speakers, stereo equipment, and cars... all of which he spends hours researching and thinking about.

We work on it and around it, but he knows that if he doesn't uphold his end of the deal, I'm not sticking around. We've been together for going on 8 years... it just takes some time to develop a sense of what works I think.

8O

I know what you mean. And of course I have a choice... this is not the way I envisioned "marriage" and I could leave. And if things don't look like they will ever change it is quite possible that I will in the future. It depends... do I want to be ignored for a group of college kids online and a bunch of fantasy graphics the rest of my life? Or do I want my child to have a home with the father who dearly loves her? Do I want to become a single welfare mom? So many personal dilemas... but the truth is my husband is not at all a bad guy, he just has a bad problem. Every once in a while I see the old guy that I used to know buried beneath his fantasy world and I think it is worth sticking out.

This could be just a phase for him... though most "phases" don't last for years on end.

Only time will tell what the best desicion for all of us is, should he decide that lifelong fantasy gaming is more important than a life devoted to loved ones (even if that life includes a bit of self-sacrafice).

:whistle: :bouncingb

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

damn the invitention of video games! I swear it's worse than some drugs when you take into account how much the addiction to than can ruin ones life/realationships. I've never been in a real relationship with someone into gaming, but I've been around plenty of them and seeing the way they treat the outside world simply infurates me. And it's something that is taking over a good portion of the male population.

[angelicwitch1983]

well we talked it over and i think he got the message. he said that he would put in all of his 150 for the rent and even pay for groceries here and there. ^_^ anyway, he just got the godfather and i gotta admit, we play it together. b/c i cant really take the camera angle from grand theft auto *very similar* i usually work with the map from the strategy guide so we plan things out. yes games do bring some together but then it could also rip them apart. ill be going to bed so ill see you all later. _inabox_ :wave:

[Zhr Morgana]

I am so glad that things are looking up for you :)
Cheers and good luck to you!

[Necrosapien]

Woooo for awesomeness! I'm glad for you both, being able to talk it out. Yay for communication!

[kirimaia]

u r so right person b4 me - go lioness on him honey!