Akhkharu Asgard
March 18th, 2006, 06:24 PM
I really never thought that I would post in this forum...ever. I always considered myself a strong man, (not literally physically but moreso emotionally and mentally) and while I have been in here a couple times and maybe replied once or twice to a post I never thought, never would have imagine that I would *ever* be someone who actually would post a thread. But now I find myself in that situation.
I had started a thread today in "Just Talk" and very cryptically mentioned my state of nervousness and fear (and it's also been mentioned in that "what's on your mind thread" a few times). Well, things have no changed and have become more clear. I really cannot and do not want to talk about the specifics. But I certainly never thought actually *knowing* would be worse than not knowing something. I have always walked through my life needing to know the facts. And knowing that what my mind tells me about things that I do not know, while at the time is very scary and fearful, is not something I should be afriad of because it's never *ever* been the case where it *has* been that "worst case scenario" in my mind. Until now.
Like I said, I am not going into the specifics, I...just can't bring myself to actually type it. But what I am feeling...I don't know. I know there's anger, but there's love too. There's lots of it. And while I was scared and fearful not knowing and having it possibly magnified with my *not* knowing, it's only become worse. I feel that I am more scared and fearful actually knowing. And while I know things that really should not be magnifying these elements, but should be magnifying the elements of anger, they do not. I don't know why, but they do not.
I know absolutely none of this is going to make sense to anyone (if anyone even bothers to read it). But I have no one where I am right now. Absolutely no one that I can talk to about this. And while I am not saying much here, this is the best I can do. Believe it or not, under these circumstances, this place is *actually* the only place I can turn to. A place filled with people I do not know in real life, strangers. Please, no one take that offensivley. I did not mean it as such. I suppose it is just sad that out here, where I am, I really have no friends that I can turn to. I can't even call up my mother about this. And so I'm posing here. Right now I'm sitting here, weeping. Crying. And scared. I'm not angry (maybe a bit, but it certainly is overshadowed by other feelings). I'm sad, very sad. And scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I *can* do. And I certainly do not know why I am even posting it here. As I know there is little anyone on this board can actually do. I've been in terrible situations before. But not like this. Even situations I could once compare to this, I now cannot. I know how different it is.
I just don't know what I can do. Accept sit here, and hope for the best. Unfortunatly, as of right now, the ball appears to be out of my court. So, as a guy who may have made sure the future would be good instead of just hoping for a "happy ending" so to speak. Now I am left hoping for one.
I just don't know what to do..
I had started a thread today in "Just Talk" and very cryptically mentioned my state of nervousness and fear (and it's also been mentioned in that "what's on your mind thread" a few times). Well, things have no changed and have become more clear. I really cannot and do not want to talk about the specifics. But I certainly never thought actually *knowing* would be worse than not knowing something. I have always walked through my life needing to know the facts. And knowing that what my mind tells me about things that I do not know, while at the time is very scary and fearful, is not something I should be afriad of because it's never *ever* been the case where it *has* been that "worst case scenario" in my mind. Until now.
Like I said, I am not going into the specifics, I...just can't bring myself to actually type it. But what I am feeling...I don't know. I know there's anger, but there's love too. There's lots of it. And while I was scared and fearful not knowing and having it possibly magnified with my *not* knowing, it's only become worse. I feel that I am more scared and fearful actually knowing. And while I know things that really should not be magnifying these elements, but should be magnifying the elements of anger, they do not. I don't know why, but they do not.
I know absolutely none of this is going to make sense to anyone (if anyone even bothers to read it). But I have no one where I am right now. Absolutely no one that I can talk to about this. And while I am not saying much here, this is the best I can do. Believe it or not, under these circumstances, this place is *actually* the only place I can turn to. A place filled with people I do not know in real life, strangers. Please, no one take that offensivley. I did not mean it as such. I suppose it is just sad that out here, where I am, I really have no friends that I can turn to. I can't even call up my mother about this. And so I'm posing here. Right now I'm sitting here, weeping. Crying. And scared. I'm not angry (maybe a bit, but it certainly is overshadowed by other feelings). I'm sad, very sad. And scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I *can* do. And I certainly do not know why I am even posting it here. As I know there is little anyone on this board can actually do. I've been in terrible situations before. But not like this. Even situations I could once compare to this, I now cannot. I know how different it is.
I just don't know what I can do. Accept sit here, and hope for the best. Unfortunatly, as of right now, the ball appears to be out of my court. So, as a guy who may have made sure the future would be good instead of just hoping for a "happy ending" so to speak. Now I am left hoping for one.
I just don't know what to do..