Help me believe in something

[Cristelle]

I've been feeling fine these past monthes. But suddenly, I am aware of everything that is bad. Everything bad that is happening to me as I inhale and exhale the very atoms of life. I look in the mirror and don't feel beautiful. I once did.

I am not depressed, i'm just aware. Being aware makes me cry. I barely ever cry... I only cry when I am aware there is something to feel sorrow about. I sometimes think it is better when I cry than when I don't. When I cry, I actually feel I have emotions. Emotions are what makes me feel real... I have been depressed before. I had no problems admitting it. And to this day, if I am ever depressed I promise i'll say so.

But this feeling is something different.

It doesn't make me sad. It makes me wonder. It makes me feel so small and lost. I feel like so much work is being done to live a positive life. And yes, being happy is rewarding, but -

For what? To just die and start over? I don't want to be someone else. Even with all my flaws, I want to be myself forever. What if the world is a lie? What if everyone has ever thought, they were meant to think. What if we are doing everything as if our lives are just a book being read aloud? I don't want to think about these kind of things anymore. It frustrates me. I enjoy life when it is good, but sometimes I get mad at life for even making it possible for my mind to wander into these annoying and some what disturbing thoughts.

I think the root of my problems is I don't believe in anything for sure. I have explored with different things and have never really fixed myself on any one thing. Nothing has proven to me that it's there for me. Who do I call to truly make things better? I want to believe that it is ok. I want to trust that I am in good hands so that I can go on in life peacefully. I want my dreams to soar. I don't want them to crash. If one doesn't turn out the way I expected, I want it to soar into something just as good or better. I want to fly foward into something positive. Not backward into something that will never be.

Please, someone, help me believe. Has anyone ever felt like this? So unsure?

[Mouse]

*hugs* I can't help you, but I wanted to give a little comfort anyway. *more hugs*

[Shadow Dreamer]

The dawning of knowledge.

Am I a man dreaming he is a butteryfly, or am i a butteryfly who dreamt he was once a man? Philosophy is a very good place to start your education. Questions and questing after what is real and what isn't real in and of itself is something to believe in. Where to start though? So many questions, and no base line to work from. Start with what is. What does exist? What is real? Answer these questions first and then go to the next level.

One of the oldest questions that many use as a starting place is this:
If a tree falls in the forest, yet no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

At your age, many people begin to lose their faith in all things. You're just beginning into the adult world, and some physiological changes have started that will continue on for quite a few years until you complete the metamorphasis into a woman. During this time, things seem so fruitless. Why bother? Why not, I say. If you are anything like I was at that age (although I metamorphasized into a semblance of a man, not a woman), soon you will feel a great number of emotions, and all of them will be burning, powerful emotions that you can barely control....it's like standing in the middle of a tempest and trying to pull a single leaf out of the whirlwind of destruction around you. If you truely feel that you need to find something to believe in, ask yourself the questions I already mentioned, and answer them. Then come back for more and we'll see what we can do.

~SD

[-Ember]

Been there, done that. In fact I've got a vaction home in that state of mind....

I've found that really learning how to believe in NOW helps. The past and present will always be in flux, always keep metemophising into other things. But you can take a step back and grab a hold of now, if you can experience now, then it doesn't matter so much if you don't know if you really believe in any form of reincarnation that means anything to you or in benevolent beings watching over you.

[Nighthawk]

AHhhh yes, there are weeks I feel unsure. then weeks I feel sure all is bad. Then I 'normalize' whatever that means. The ebb and flow of everyday life takes you through twists and turns. I am nearing 50 now, and I am realizing I am gonna 'have fun' with those twists and turns. Because really, that is what we have. We can think and reason. But when we go to sleep at night, more thoughts come and go.
These people have all said good and helpful things. I agree with them. Each person has their own twist to life.

[Amelserru_halqu]

He he he... you just might be as mad as me. Of course it could just be that the sun hast fried your brain like an egg, or fried the rutabaganess (condition of blindness due to social programming) within you until you have become human. Anyways, I've felt like that since the age of 12 when I realized that God wasn't well... what he was supposed to be. I went mad; I felt anger, fear, and loss of identities for I have had many (not past lives but masks). It seems to me that the opiates of religion are fading from your veins, your mind questions you seek what others say should not be sought. Embrace this which you have discovered, it is painful but if you ignore it you will feel little but cycles of emptiness and pain for the rest of your life. Never again can you be comfortably numb. So wake up, laugh, scream at the world, do what you want and just laugh! It doesn't matter what is real, or what is true, since truth depends on perceptions. Essentially you will have to learn how to deal with your awareness; I dealt with it by turning to Eris. From her I learned to appreciate the disorder in the world, and now I burst into laughter at random points throughout the day! If you want my path then www.principiadiscordia.com is for you of course Taoism may be more your style so try that out. Of course if you want another opiate, well look around I'm sure you can find something that will fit. Also kudos to Shadow Dreamer on the butterfly bit from Chuang Tzu I love his works. Also I agree with the "Why not?" answer to why should I go on, that's something I use a lot.

Oh and if you want to exist as you forever then you have to become a goddess. I think you could do that by killing enough people and draining their life energy or something but you don't sound evil enough to do that sooo... I can't help you... maybe use alchemy (spiritual kind) or attain enlightenment via Buddhism or at least eastern mysticism.

Anyways good luck.

[Shadow Dreamer]

Also kudos to Shadow Dreamer on the butterfly bit from Chuang Tzu I love his works. Also I agree with the "Why not?" answer to why should I go on, that's something I use a lot.

Thank You. I couldn't remember who the heck said it, but I remembered studying and thinking about that particular phrase when I was learning some of the eastern mysticism. There is a lot to learn about life by simply reading and thinking about the easter philosophies.....

[Graelwyn]

I've been feeling fine these past monthes. But suddenly, I am aware of everything that is bad. Everything bad that is happening to me as I inhale and exhale the very atoms of life. I look in the mirror and don't feel beautiful. I once did.

It isn't what you might see in the mirror that is beautiful...but what you hold inside. You need to look at what it is that is making you doubt your beauty. I believe all life is beautiful and all light is beautiful...and you have as much light within as the next person. You will have your own traits, your own little quirks and all of these will make you both beautiful and unique. You are alive...you are here...you exist, and that in itself is beautiful.


I am not depressed, i'm just aware. Being aware makes me cry.

What are you aware of? That with the light in the world, there is also dark? That not all is as you would like it to be? Be aware that all is as it is meant to be in the world, and that, unpleasant as some of this might be, your awareness alone is enough. You cannot change these things. Just accept that everything has some purpose...even if it is only to make us value the joyous things more.


For what? To just die and start over? I don't want to be someone else. Even with all my flaws, I want to be myself forever. What if the world is a lie? What if everyone has ever thought, they were meant to think. What if we are doing everything as if our lives are just a book being read aloud? I don't want to think about these kind of things anymore. It frustrates me. I enjoy life when it is good, but sometimes I get mad at life for even making it possible for my mind to wander into these annoying and some what disturbing thoughts.

I think many go through this...it is part of being a seeker and having a strong and enquiring mind. However...the mind can become our own worst enemy. You want to be you forever? But answer me this...what is you? Who are you? Are you really just the sum of who you are in this lifetime? For example, to me, I am the light that shines inside...I am all the lessons I have learnt over many lifetimes. I am love, because every lesson I experience results in a new understanding of love. That is who I am, who are you? What is the world? The world is only a tiny, tiny part of what is out there. We come here to learn lessons...to learn what it is to be physical...to learn what it is to have the whole gamut of sense and feeling...for what? I do not know yet... I too have that yearning to know all the answers, but don't waste your life hunting for the answers in a way that causes distress. At times, we just need to have faith in ourselves and faith that this is how it should be.


I think the root of my problems is I don't believe in anything for sure. I have explored with different things and have never really fixed myself on any one thing. Nothing has proven to me that it's there for me. Who do I call to truly make things better? I want to believe that it is ok. I want to trust that I am in good hands so that I can go on in life peacefully. I want my dreams to soar. I don't want them to crash. If one doesn't turn out the way I expected, I want it to soar into something just as good or better. I want to fly foward into something positive. Not backward into something that will never be.

In the end, the most important thing to believe in is yourself. Forget believing in anything outside yourself if you don't believe in yourself as to me, that is the starting place for all faith and belief. I have had the same issue and still have the same issue...and as a psychic medium, it is especially hard when you are not able to believe fully in spirits, lol. You are always there for you. And love is always there for you, even at times when you cannot see it. Remember that. We are all of us connected to one another, whether you see it or not because we are all energy and we are all here, living a human experience. If you want your dreams to soar...then learn to see the positive even in the crashes. When one thing does not work out, learn to realise it wasn't meant for you and something better may be around the corner. I hope this helps and makes some sense to you. ((((hugs))))