I'm sick of it all.

[Zhr Morgana]

I'll explain in better detail later...but since last night I have slowly realized that not much of what I say or do seems to make any kind of effect on anyone or anything. I feel like I am fighting for the wrong things...I feel like my presence is acknowledged but am otherwise invisible. Who cares what I say or do, because it will not matter in the end. I will always be a loser who realizes her mistakes too late and thus can never really fix them or make anything right, and anything good that will ever come in my life will turn around and leave me.

I want to truly disappear right now. Who would care if I did anyway? "Ehhh, she's gone. Oh well." and life would go on.

Like I said...I'll explain later when I have more time to elaborate. I need to get ready for work now.

[Kalika]

The only person you should concern yourself with is you - who cares if other people don't bother to listen? As long as you continue to grow and make yourself a better and wiser person, that is what is important.

[Brenda]

^^ I agree
:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[Zhr Morgana]

Okay, I'm back home now.
I realize more than probably most people that the one person you have to look out for is yourself. I've said that to many of my friends who needed advice. I told them to be selfish.

Still...

If I have learned anything in life, it's that feeling needed, loved and desired is what I seek the most. Having grown up with horrible self-esteem issues, I have an intense desire to love and be loved by others. I fell in love, only to have that go wrong because of many reasons which made me feel emotionally unstable and insecure. I know I did not cause the relationship to fail, but it sure didn't help it either. After some time had gone by, I tried again with someone else. It was a long distance relationship, so my insecurities and paranoia over the distance and possibilities of him cheating on me (somewhat unfounded) wrecked havoc on my new happiness. In the end, I wound up cheating on him once with my previous ex...it's not something I am proud of, but at the time I felt justified because I'd only seen my bf a few times in the months prior to the cheating, and I was very lonely. My ex seems to always be there when I need him.

So I destroyed my own happiness. What does that have to do with my feeling invisible? Wait, there's more.

So I was left wondering WTF??? when my ex and I realized we still love each other...but there is a huge problem with getting to fully trust each other again and to forgive our past wrongdoings to each other. There were a lot of things done which normal people probably would never be able to forgive and forget. I am not normal. Despite the past, I still love my ex and I am willing and able to try and be with him again, to make things work and to right my wrongs that I have done. He is still not there yet, in fact, he has also been with 2 women since the realization that the love is still there, because he isn't so sure if I am "the one"...so he's still looking around and figuring things out for himself. I am already past that...I had my shot at happiness with the type of man I thought was "perfect for me"...but I figured out almost 2 years later that I already had the perfect man, and I am trying to come back. I have been trying for months to do what I can to make things right on my side...to show him I have changed and that we are meant for each other. His own brother is even vouching for me, which is a HUGE shock because he used to hate me. My ex has been very slowly coming around, but there are many instances where he's shot down my hopes and jarred my thoughts that we were making progress...last night was the most recent shootdown.

I have been told by some of my friends to forget about him and find happiness by myself. I can't do it because of the fighter inside me that wants to come out swinging everytime I think the deck is stacked against me. I think to myself, "BRING IT ON! I will beat the odds!" But it isn't about the chase...it's about being in love with the one person who truly completes you but you screwed it up...and trying very hard to fix it and get your soulmate back. I know his faults...and I remember every bad thing he ever did (whether it was done to me or just done). Through it all, I still love him, and it hurts me to know that despite his love for me, he is trying to suggest that I move on because of the odd chance that maybe he isn't the one. Why doesn't he get it??? I KNOW he is the one! It took me 2 years to figure it out, but I'm here! His other gfs since me have not worked out, and his current relationship is practically nonexistant...and why is that, pray tell??? It's because I've always been the only woman who can know him for everything he is and STILL be in love him at the end of the day. He still refuses to leave his gf on the odd chance that there IS something there (despite her lies and her possible cheating). Just because he hasn't reached the same point of view as I have yet, doesn't mean that I'm wrong!

I work in fast food, and my usual position there is very isolated. I usually run the first drive-thru window, which is basically a little room in the back of the restaurant which is where I take orders and the cash. Other than the customers and the occasional visit from a co-worker, I am basically alone for my entire shift. So I feel miserable there, and the usual customer approach is to treat me as if I'm invisible...like I don't even matter. Half of them don't even look me in the eye or say anything to me like "hi" or "thank you". Most of the time I leave at the end of my shift wanting to cry. I would quit except there is no other job which I am this good at or that I can stick to. Believe me, I've tried.

Also, when I try to talk to my friends...I usually feel like the outsider looking in...whether it's my friend who has a young child, or my friend who has her own place and keeps it full of interesting people who usually cause trouble, or my friend that has a college education, or my friends that have moved away and gotten married. I am still left here alone (figuratively) and still in the same place I was eight years ago. I feel like I don't matter, like my opinions don't mean sh*t. A lot of times when I post here or on other forums which I've been part of for a while, usually nobody else posts afterward, not even to agree/disagree with me...and I feel like I killed a very interesting topic. Hardly anybody calls me at home, my relatives call but only to talk to my parents...they don't pause to talk to me or ask how I am.

So here you have it. Right now I just need a hug, some kind words...I don't need any advice or for people to tell me that I'm wrong or right. I get enough of that from my friends and family. I just need some sympathy and to know that I'm not alone...that I do matter.

[Kalika]

You define your own happiness.

Period... end of sentence.

[Akhkharu Asgard]

You define your own happiness.

Period... end of sentence.

I agree. Don't rely on anyone else to help create it or create it for you. Do it yourself so you can make it as strong as you know you need.

[Little Billy]

I'll explain in better detail later...but since last night I have slowly realized that not much of what I say or do seems to make any kind of effect on anyone or anything. I feel like I am fighting for the wrong things...I feel like my presence is acknowledged but am otherwise invisible. Who cares what I say or do, because it will not matter in the end. I will always be a loser who realizes her mistakes too late and thus can never really fix them or make anything right, and anything good that will ever come in my life will turn around and leave me.

I want to truly disappear right now. Who would care if I did anyway? "Ehhh, she's gone. Oh well." and life would go on.

Like I said...I'll explain later when I have more time to elaborate. I need to get ready for work now.

Of course, if you really ARE under everyone's radar, you can indulge in endless sneaky sabotage and other asshattery, and nobody will ever guess it was you.

Seriously. Try it, you'll feel better.

[Little Billy]

If I have learned anything in life, it's that feeling needed, loved and desired is what I seek the most. Having grown up with horrible self-esteem issues, I have an intense desire to love and be loved by others.


Little Billy has the cure for this.

Stop trying. That's right...just go about your business, get out and DO things, and stop trying to get the support of others. That's how you actually DO get it...if it is obvious that you want the love and support of others, you won't get it, because the vibe you give off is "needy" (read: pain in the ass), whether or not you really are.

Love yourself, first. Have some fun, get involved in some new things. When you have that "I've actually got things to DO" vibe going, you are interesting, and people WANT to support you emotionally.

Can I ask you what you do to relax, besides Pagan stuff?

[treefae]

i understand people don't usually make me happy either.in my opinion most people are opportunists.it's hard for me to find someone with true honor and respect.

[-Ember]

The only person you should concern yourself with is you - who cares if other people don't bother to listen? As long as you continue to grow and make yourself a better and wiser person, that is what is important.
You define your own happiness.

Period... end of sentence.

Nothing against Kalika, but while this is common wisdom, it also is modern isolationist bs.

Despite all the pressure to do your own thing, be your own person, find your own happiness most people do need some basic human interaction. What does it matter if you are a wiser person, if only you access that wisdom? What is better if you are the only one you affect? We might define our own happiness, but for most of us there is a need to be useful or appreciated or somehow connected to other people as part of that definition.

I don't know if you can understand it unless you've spent a lot of time fairly isolated. It doesn't matter how skilled and perfect you can get at something if it doesn't touch anyone else. There is a point where human connection is as important, more important, than anything you can accomplish.

I sympathize with a lot of what was said. Particularly:
Also, when I try to talk to my friends...I usually feel like the outsider looking in...whether it's my friend who has a young child, or my friend who has her own place and keeps it full of interesting people who usually cause trouble, or my friend that has a college education, or my friends that have moved away and gotten married. I am still left here alone (figuratively) and still in the same place I was eight years ago. I feel like I don't matter, like my opinions don't mean sh*t. A lot of times when I post here or on other forums which I've been part of for a while, usually nobody else posts afterward, not even to agree/disagree with me...and I feel like I killed a very interesting topic. Hardly anybody calls me at home, my relatives call but only to talk to my parents...they don't pause to talk to me or ask how I am.

Unfortunately Little Billy is also right:
Stop trying. That's right...just go about your business, get out and DO things, and stop trying to get the support of others. That's how you actually DO get it...if it is obvious that you want the love and support of others, you won't get it, because the vibe you give off is "needy" (read: pain in the ass), whether or not you really are.

Love yourself, first. Have some fun, get involved in some new things. When you have that "I've actually got things to DO" vibe going, you are interesting, and people WANT to support you emotionally.

However, when you've got long standing self esteem issues, which you say you have, often you aren't really socialized into the peer group and the little all but unconcious cues... just being normal doesn't give off the "I'm approachable/friendly" vibes more social people have been trained to give out. And you don't read their cues. It also happens verbally and in print... people tend not to know how to deal with you and you are awkward in reading them. And usually the closest thing people can read in you is unfriendly. Standoffish. Because you are confused or just not emiting the vibes they interpret which makes them confused. And a little afraid/uncomfortable... it really bothers people. (Think about it, how do you feel at a dinner with a group of people with minorly different habits... like a more formal dinner than you are used to. Not quite knowing how to read them, not quite sure of how you affect them, not quite able to read approval or disapproval.) It makes people hypersensitive. And they tend to believe they see disapproval that isn't there. Which makes them disinclined to deal with that situation. Or person.

And to make things worse, trying to conciously fix it makes you feel worse and fake and people pick up on that too. Or you get blunt (which comes across as super needy and misunderstood) and just say what you need... like this.

Which ends up learning how not to be invisible. It is uncomfortable as all hell and involves a lot of hard work. Hang out around people and try to ape them... like a toddler you will be awkward and unlike one you'll be very aware of it. And eventually you'll start to acquire the skills you need.

[Zhr Morgana]

Can I ask you what you do to relax, besides Pagan stuff?
I don't really do a lot of Pagan stuff...mostly I spend time with my friends, I read, write, listen to music and now I'm trying to get into painting...also like to waste time online, as you may have figured out. But mostly I do become social by spending time with my friends and try something new occasionally.

I did get a laugh at your first post though Billy...thanks :)

Thanks everyone else for all the advice I didn't need (hello...some simple hug smileys was all I asked for...didn't want any more advice)...although Endor you did make a very good effort, thank you. Seriously...while I appreciate all the isolationistic pointers...I do not want to be alone anymore!

I even had an appt with my therapist over some of this today, and it didn't really help there either. Of course my friends didn't know what to say...so I'm no better off now than where I was eight hours ago. I know I'm not alone in the world by thinking all this...but I sure as hell feel like I am, and nobody has really told me any different.

Goodnight...

[Little Billy]

I don't really do a lot of Pagan stuff...mostly I spend time with my friends, I read, write, listen to music and now I'm trying to get into painting...also like to waste time online, as you may have figured out. But mostly I do become social by spending time with my friends and try something new occasionally.

I did get a laugh at your first post though Billy...thanks :)

Thanks everyone else for all the advice I didn't need (hello...some simple hug smileys was all I asked for...didn't want any more advice)...although Endor you did make a very good effort, thank you. Seriously...while I appreciate all the isolationistic pointers...I do not want to be alone anymore!

I even had an appt with my therapist over some of this today, and it didn't really help there either. Of course my friends didn't know what to say...so I'm no better off now than where I was eight hours ago. I know I'm not alone in the world by thinking all this...but I sure as hell feel like I am, and nobody has really told me any different.

Goodnight...


Don't think of it as isolationistic...think of it as regrouping...rallying your forces.

[Kalika]

Of course, if you really ARE under everyone's radar, you can indulge in endless sneaky sabotage and other asshattery, and nobody will ever guess it was you.

Seriously. Try it, you'll feel better.

:yayah:

And its so much fun too.

[Kalika]

Nothing against Kalika, but while this is common wisdom, it also is modern isolationist bs.

Despite all the pressure to do your own thing, be your own person, find your own happiness most people do need some basic human interaction. What does it matter if you are a wiser person, if only you access that wisdom? What is better if you are the only one you affect? We might define our own happiness, but for most of us there is a need to be useful or appreciated or somehow connected to other people as part of that definition.

I don't know if you can understand it unless you've spent a lot of time fairly isolated. It doesn't matter how skilled and perfect you can get at something if it doesn't touch anyone else. There is a point where human connection is as important, more important, than anything you can accomplish.

It's not bs. It's true that people need some form of human contact...but happiness does not revolve around that phenomena, nor is it limited to it.

It is also true that you should not depend on others to provide you with happiness - they will always let you down. Even those you love and continue to love.

Depending on yourself doesn't have to be an isolationist idea - it means you have to be strong in spite of (or because of) whatever circumstances you are currently in. If you do what makes you happy, if you rely on yourself to provide and accrue that happiness... you will be happy.

:)

I know... I've been there.




I sympathize with a lot of what was said. Particularly:

Unfortunately Little Billy is also right:

However, when you've got long standing self esteem issues, which you say you have, often you aren't really socialized into the peer group and the little all but unconcious cues... just being normal doesn't give off the "I'm approachable/friendly" vibes more social people have been trained to give out. And you don't read their cues. It also happens verbally and in print... people tend not to know how to deal with you and you are awkward in reading them. And usually the closest thing people can read in you is unfriendly. Standoffish. Because you are confused or just not emiting the vibes they interpret which makes them confused. And a little afraid/uncomfortable... it really bothers people. (Think about it, how do you feel at a dinner with a group of people with minorly different habits... like a more formal dinner than you are used to. Not quite knowing how to read them, not quite sure of how you affect them, not quite able to read approval or disapproval.) It makes people hypersensitive. And they tend to believe they see disapproval that isn't there. Which makes them disinclined to deal with that situation. Or person.

And to make things worse, trying to conciously fix it makes you feel worse and fake and people pick up on that too. Or you get blunt (which comes across as super needy and misunderstood) and just say what you need... like this.

Which ends up learning how not to be invisible. It is uncomfortable as all hell and involves a lot of hard work. Hang out around people and try to ape them... like a toddler you will be awkward and unlike one you'll be very aware of it. And eventually you'll start to acquire the skills you need.

This is very good advice. :)

And Zhr... you've posted in here enough to know that the "helping hands" go with the hugs.

:hugz:

[SilverClaw]

hello...some simple hug smileys was all I asked for...didn't want any more advice
Well sometimes you have to take the advice whether you like it or not. Which is why up until this point I did not say anything in your thread. So I will go back out and bite my tongue..

[Graelwyn]

I remember feeling this way constantly...and I still do sometimes. I guess I am slowly learning to understand that everyone is here to learn their own stuff and sometimes that learning is not compatible with ours. We are all human. We all have blind spots, right? Not advice as such, just insight. I am learning to reduce my expectations of others. I don't like people placing expectations on me generally and have found that each time I have wanted, needed, clung etc...it has just pushed the person further away. The self esteem...it wont sort itself out. Have to work on the issues that it stems from instead of bringing it up all the time. It wont improve on its own. Anyway, nuff said and lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way. You are not alone in those feelings by any means.

[Little Billy]

I remember feeling this way constantly...and I still do sometimes.

Not me. If most people liked me, I'd re-examine the way I live my life.

[Zhr Morgana]

I am trying very hard not to become the pathetic lovesick freak that I detest seeing in real life, or the mindless drone that can easily be replaced. I don't want to waste my young life pining for someone who may never come back. The simple fact is that I am in love...I was always in love despite the circumstances. My anger was a reaction to the reversal of emotions and feelings towards him. I simply couldn't believe that we could ever hate each other so much. But it is because I am in love that I am stepping back. I said I was going to before...but it didn't stick. It will stick this time because right now I am craving solitude. I want to be alone, to retreat into my bed with a dark depressing book and revel in my loneliness. I wish my friend Scott was here, seems like he is the best person for me to be around when I'm feeling like this because he understands loneliness...he gets it in a way that few people do.

I don't know what will happen to me. I just know that I don't really want to see anyone (Scott being the only exception) or go anywhere. I want to write, paint, lie in bed, and I especially want to THINK. If he wants me, he needs to come to me. I am tired of the mixed signals and the bull that goes with being the other woman...tired of getting my hopes raised up and then shot back down again.

He needs to wake up and figure out what he wants.
I already know what I want.
Now I just have to get comfortable with myself in the meantime.
When the time is right, we will be together again.

[Deranged Hermit]

:hugz: