Im curious about everyones opinion

[Willow Rosette]

Tonight when we were saing our nightly thanks and lighting our candels my daughter told me she wanted to light a candel for her father. This really bothered me expecially since last night she cried for about an hour cause she wanted him and there is nothing I can do about it. I almost told her no Daddy lights his own candels and then I decided that it would be better for her to light them and say a prayer of some kind. I kinda bumbled a may he find peace and happiness thing but it wasnt real. I dont want him to be happy when my baby is so sad about his lack of affection. So I guess my question is this... Should we light a candel for this person who causes us so much pain? And if so what on earth should I say? Victoria isnt old enough to decide what should be said yet and well I might get in trouble if I honestly said what I wished for him. Is there words that someone else says that are true no matter what way they are said? I dont want to lie and wish him happiness but well I think taking the high road is better for Victoria as well as learning to say a prayer for those we dislike too. I guess this is as much a lesson for me as it is for her. But I just dont know how to handel it.

**Edit** Im really hoping you all will tell me to just leave him out lmao although I know you wont.

[MysticWitch]

I think if your daughter asks for you to light a candle for him then I would just do it for her ( not for him ) :hahugh:

[tarotgirljess]

May daddy find everything he deserves in this life...

[Willow Rosette]

May daddy find everything he deserves in this life...

But what happens when she gets to the point where she understands that truly?

[tarotgirljess]

when she gets to that point explain to her that if daddy deserves god things, they will come to him if he doesn't.. well it's like santa.. he doesn't bring naughty kids prezzies but he doesn't punish them either.

or perhaps Help daddy to learn from his mistakes, find happiness and change for the better.

Daddy is lost help him find his way.

Help daddy to change for the best.

May daddy become as wonderful as I think he is

your daughter loves her daddy very much so maybe just
Help daddy to feel the love babygirl is sending him.
good luck

[Willow Rosette]

I could probably say that I hope he feels the love Victoria feels for him (and then pray she doesnt at that moment say she doesnt love him lmao)

[Patriciaj]

Ok sweetie, you asked for my opinion, so here it is.
A little background first...
I loved my kids' dad with all my being no matter what he did to me. I wanted to make our family work. I wanted my kids to have both a mother and a father to grow up with. I suffered for 13 years with this man because I knew I could "change" him. I knew that the kids would "change" him. I just knew that. Well, after that long, I realized - I didn't know shit. He wasn't about to change for any of us. He was who he was and that was that. So I got out of it. It was the hardest thing that I did because I wanted him to be a part of his childrens lives, and I knew that once he was out of the picture then he would be out of the picture. It was hard to hear the kids crying for their dad. It was hard to answer their questions of why we weren't together any more. It was hard for me to not say your father is a worthless piece of crap and you are better off with him out of your lives. That is what I truly wanted to tell them. That is truly how I felt. I wanted them to believe that it was all his fault. That we were all the victims in the situation. That's how I felt at the time. I was heart broken for myself and for my children. How could he do this to us? How could he do this to them? Didn't they matter to him? Doesn't he love his own children? What is wrong with him? How could he be so mean and selfish and stupid?

But then, like a lightning bolt struck me or something, I decided that I wasn't going to do that. I wasn't going to tell them of what I really felt. I wasn't going to make their father out to be the asshole that he was. I wasn't going to talk bad about him in front of them. No! After all, there must be some good in this man for me to have fallen in love with him in the first place. And that is the part I focused on when trying to answer their questions. I always told them that their father loved them very much, and they were no way responsible for the reason that we were no longer together.

I wasn't going to try to influence my children on their opinions of their father. I knew that they would form their own opinion as they got older, and that opinion should be theirs alone with no influence from me. When they did speak badly of him I still reinforced that he loved them very much. I added that he has a lot of problems that only he can solve and until he gets them resolved their isn't a whole lot they could do.

My kids' father hasn't been in their lives since then until recently. (Oh they might have had contact with him a half a dozen times in the last 10 years or so, but it was usually a drunken phone call here and there.) They have questions that only he can answer, and they know that he may never answer them. But they are all right with that. They know what kind of a person that he is, and they know that he loves them with all that he is capable of doing.

So after this long windedness of mine I think you know what my opinion is sweetie. I know that you will do the right thing for your precious daughter. She is what matters.

I love ya sweetie..._pounce_

[Cindlady2]

tarotgirljess had some good ideas... try to keep it simple and maybe with a twist of help added. You never know, with a little blessing he may become a better person!

[Calen]

If this is something your daughter feels strongly about (and it sounds like she does, poor little thing) you should try to include him in some way in your prayers. 'May daddy become the best person he can be', maybe? Don't lie, and when she gets a bit older and starts to ask questions, just explain to her that sometimes the best blessing is for people to become better, rather than just for nice things to happen to them. It's true, and it certainly applies here.

[Chesna]

For one let your daughter do what ever she wants when it comes to her dad..it is her dad and that won't ever change. And like Pat said once she gets older and has questions and forms her own opinion it will be by her choice. If you try to force your thoughts and opinions on her she will resist and you will have hell to pay. Yea..will it hurt once she realizes the fantasy she held about her dad doesn't jive..but then you will be there to say sometimes people can't do what they should and tell her maybe one day she can ask her dad what she needs to know..until then..you as mom will be there....

I am a firm believer in NEVER EVER badmouthing an ex in front of a child..that is just wrong..that child's job in life is to be a kid..so what if they have their fantasy on what the other parent is life..one day they will know the true parent and you go from there. So in short..let her light a candle, let her prayers be heard..everyone deserves to have a good prayer said for them...

Chesna

[Kalika]

I think that telling her no in this instance would do more harm than good.

Since I know that's not what you want to hear... let me explain. :)

Trying to eliminate him from her life at this point by refusing to acknowledge him or to let her acknowledge him will likely place even more importance on him in her eyes, and will also make her wonder "why mommy hates daddy".

This is also an opportunity to teach her to love where love isn't shown in return... which isn't a bad thing. :hugz:

[Willow Rosette]

There was a rule growing up that none of my family members were allowed to bad mouth my father. I have continued this with my daughter as well. I was simply looking for an alternative way to say a prayer for him that wouldnt be a lie. Because if I say the words "wish him happiness" and such it would be a lie cause what I wish for him cannot be typed. I did say the prayer with her also. I was just looking for another way to fraze it so that I wouldnt be lying when we have our special moment with the Goddess.

[Chesna]

Whatb about saying something like...May daddy finds what he is looking for in life. That way you are not hoping or wishing something on him or for him...Its more a prayer for him to find what he needs..which we all could use..

Chesna

[MorningDove030202]

...loosely based on some Correllian Wiccan Materials, I recomend something like this where you actualy address the person's higher self....

.... "Name" please accept our blessings and energy tonight if you would: it is your choice, in accordance with your free will. Use the energy for your higest possible good. "Name" we ask you to accept this energy and heal now in this moment: become whole and healthy and happy! For the good of all, with harm to none!"

I'm not sure how old your daugher is, but by addressing her father's higher self, it can help you seperate yourself from the negative feelings you might have for him. Our higherself is the divine in all of us, and like it or not, your daugher's father is part of that divine as well, he's probably just very much out of touch with it. Maybe with your help he can find it again?

In the Service of the Goddess,

Dove

[Kalika]

There was a rule growing up that none of my family members were allowed to bad mouth my father. I have continued this with my daughter as well. I was simply looking for an alternative way to say a prayer for him that wouldnt be a lie. Because if I say the words "wish him happiness" and such it would be a lie cause what I wish for him cannot be typed. I did say the prayer with her also. I was just looking for another way to fraze it so that I wouldnt be lying when we have our special moment with the Goddess.

Maybe you could ask for her to provide him with guidance... or peace... or light... anything like that could be neither a negative or a positive on your part, and I'm sure if you incorporated something into a rhyme that was easy for your daughter to remember... it would catch on quickly. :)

[LadyCanine]

I havent read all the posts, so if i repeat...sorry :)

I....well, to put it blunty, almost hate my ex. I dont want to 'hate' cause its so much neg. energy, but it comes close. We have two children together and alot of things have happened. W/out getting into alot of detail, hes a jerk, did some bad stuff and prolly will go to prision. Doesnt want to pay child suport, doesnt really want to see his kids..etc etc.

Now,i know, on some level he does love them, but not the way they should be loved imo.

What i would do....take a back seat and let her say what she wants to. Light the candle, or help her do it and let her say the prayer. If she asks why you dont, be, honest w/out detail...just tell her something along the lines that it would come better and mean more if she did it. Help if she needs it and try to remember that you're doing it for her.

As she gets older, you dont have to explain everything to her, but when she understands i think it would be ok to tell her that you and her father just had alot of differences and that it would still mean more if she says it.

Let her come to you, let her ask the questions and the like...it'll all work out :) As she gets older, she will understand stuff on her own and get how you feel.

[Tanya]

isn't the candle really more for her than her father. Good father or bad, she misses him. My step son's mother is also cold and neglectful, but he still loves her, and thats a big spirit who loves someone who doesn't know how to love back.. A little prayer of "may so and so grow in kindness and love" can't make the world a worse place. Sitting myself in the middle of a divorced family, its important the parents hold back their hurt about the other from their kids, they have enough of their own baggage, what you would want for that ex-spouse is something your daughter shouldn't have shared with her. We have a big rule that helps keep the peace "Ugly grown up stuff for us ugly grown ups." (peace and light for the kids)

[SSanf]

Let your child ask for the blessings of the Goddess on whom she will. If her father is blessed by the Goddess, he may, yet, become a positive force in your child's life.

Trust Her.

A simple "Goddess bless Daddy," is all you need.

Do this for your child and may she continue to be a blessing for you.

[Willow Rosette]

isn't the candle really more for her than her father. Good father or bad, she misses him. My step son's mother is also cold and neglectful, but he still loves her, and thats a big spirit who loves someone who doesn't know how to love back.. A little prayer of "may so and so grow in kindness and love" can't make the world a worse place. Sitting myself in the middle of a divorced family, its important the parents hold back their hurt about the other from their kids, they have enough of their own baggage, what you would want for that ex-spouse is something your daughter shouldn't have shared with her. We have a big rule that helps keep the peace "Ugly grown up stuff for us ugly grown ups." (peace and light for the kids)

I did not share the "ugly stuff" with my daughter. I wanted to tell her that Daddy lights his own candel now that he is in Tennessee but I held it back and said it the poilte way.