Touchy Subject

[MysticWitch]

:rubhead:

[MysticWitch]

I am fortunate to NOT be in that situation but :hugz: to those who are or have been :(

[zede]

i was for quite some time off and on. why do you ask?

[MysticWitch]

I was in a domestic relationship once. I was talking with some people tonight who currently are. I can't believe the number of people who go through this very same thing. I just don't under stand how love can hurt so much. I wanted to see how many people have been in this situation. I know there probably was a poll about this topic once upon a time. I couldn't find anything when I searched the MW records. :hugz:

[zede]

yes it's a shame how stupid love can make a person. in my case i was certian i could save him from hisself, didn't happen he is still a mess but now he is someone elses mess.

[RavensEye]

:(

[MysticWitch]

he is still a mess but now he is someone elses mess.


Same here! :weirdsmil

[Tanya]

My father did that to my mother, and us, basically he's a bully. My sister and I both promised ourselves better. despite that, we have both had run ins with men punching our cars, threatening to break windshields, I had a gun put to my head once and a little #^%& who tried to force me to perform fellatio... Its really easy to be frightened and intimidated. My husband would bully me if he could... but if he starts pushing all it means is we are gonna fight, not that he's gonna get his way.
My sister, the horse woman puts it this way "If you you let a horse muscle you around once, he's learned he can push you around anytime." I think it goes for bullies too, they get worse the more often they get away with their crap.

The trouble is, its a slippery slope,set CLEAR rules about what's not going down, and take no prisioners if those lines are crossed.

[zede]

my sentiments exactlly! i don't alow any one to bully me now, a lession i learned the hard way i'm afraid.

[LadyCanine]

I havent voted yet...i was just wondering, would mental/emotional be the same as domestic/physical?

[RavensEye]

Emotional, physical, mental all fit under the cateogry of abuse.

[Tanya]

I havent voted yet...i was just wondering, would mental/emotional be the same as domestic/physical?
yes. anything that puts you down is abuse.

[Ravens_Tears]

Abuse takes many forms. I think it could also be psychological, emotional or spiritual. I have been in abusive relationships before. It'll never happen again.

[RavensEye]

And I find that all forms are interconnected at least they are for me. Growing up had to deal with phsyical, and menta (uncle)l, and emotional, as a teen emotional and physcial ( and sexual which included phsycial abuse), and in early abdult years had to deal with my uncle again who was the first one to start the abuse when I was a kid, forutnalty I was able to fight back and on occasions have put him in the hopistal.. (It is not pretty I do not like fighting but enough is enough)...

[Ceres]

I have been with jerks, but they werent abusive. Its such a difficult subject because some women will claim abuse over being called a bitch and other women wont admit abuse when they are being beat up.

I knew a woman who was abused throughout her marriage of many many years who was just as screwed up as her partner in her own manipulative mind games sort of way.

[SSanf]

I don't think there are any more abusive men out there than there ever were but the number of women who say they have been in such a relationship is so high because serial monogamy is now the accepted standard for human relationships.

The more partners you have the greater the chances that you will eventually end up in one of these relationships. One abusive man can run through a whole lot of women in his lifetime.

[Earthy]

Yea, my ex was emotionally abusive to me in most of the 3 years i was with him.
He called me names, would withhold money,made me feel stupid and don't get me started on the mind games he played with me.
I moved out after i had my son, i didn't want my son growing up with the same attitudes towards women..unfortunately i then got abuse by letters and phonecalls.They only stopped after solicitors intervention.
Now, he hasn't seen his son for 2 years and we only get a card at xmas and on Billy's birthday.
he had a lot of issues i guess, but he left me very messed up.
We split 4 years ago, and it is only now that my confidence and self esteem is coming back up.

i will never let a man do that to me again.

[Shadows Sweet]

I was with a guy on and off for 4 years. He never hit me, but the emotional abuse was enough. Everyone around me could see it, but I was so blinded by love that it took me the 4 years to see it. He had me believing that I was the problem, not him. When I finally did leave, I had to get a restraining order just to keep him away. He ended up getting arrested because he wouldn't leave me alone. He didn't stay in jail though. He was such a smooth talker that the judge believed him and let him go! Talk about lady justice being blind!

[Lunacie]

Earthy and ShadowSweet, thank you for saying how long it took you to move on after leaving an abusive relationship. I was married for 25 years and then separated for 5 years before I finally got fed up enough to file for divorce. All those years I blamed myself as much as I blamed my ex, but now that I realize my biggest problem was ADD and that I was just as frustrated as he was by my being smart one minute and dumb the next... capable one minute and a dithering idiot the next... It has taken me this whole last year to realize that not everyone who is married to an ADDer is mean to them just because they struggle with some things. Some people are actually supportive to a spouse who has a disability.

[Xirian]

Yes, I was and I put my son through it too, but that didn't last for very long. What a jerk my exhusband was. But I have to say that I learned lots about myself and even though my son brings it up still and really dislikes my ex, I think he trusts that it was the one mistake I made regarding his life and that I have learned from that and won't be repeating myself again.

[Kalika]

No.

But I'm very close to a couple people who have or currently are. :(

[NiftyWings]

I grew up in an abusive home, and my marriage was also abusive. I finally got a divorce in '92 and have never regretted it. I was also very lucky in that I found a wonderful counselor who helped me learn how to heal.

[Astara Seague]

:( yes more times then I would like to admit.. but no more!! Four of my exs went to jail for it, two being ex husbands
I dont really like to talk about it:gagged:
but I will if anyone asks just keep it to PM ok?

[Kaltenia]

Not with a man, but growing up with my mother. My father did nothing, and my grandmother treated my mom like crap, so she didn't know any other way. Not that it's an excuse, mind you. I'm 21 now and living with my fiance. The past couple of years have been tough, as I just recently stood up to her. It's a crappy road to be on, anyone who goes through these things are in my book, the strongest people out there. PM me if anyone wants/needs to talk about anything. I'm always here to listen and lend a shoulder or a helping hand :D _pounce_

[alwaysfallingup]

I've been really blessed...I grew up in a loving, supportive family with no abuse and have a loving, supportive husband with no abuse of any kind. However, while I was working for the Head Start program as a Home Visitor, I saw a lot of violence and emotional abuse that just made me want to weep, because, like most things in this world, it's cyclical.

[Aleannah]

I grew up with emotional abuse from my grandmother, then my first husband was emotionally abusive, witholding money, making me feel stupid and inferior - I couldn't do anything right except cook. Then my second husband was an alcoholic...which was its own form of abuse. Hubby now is one of the best people I've ever met...no abuse, treats me like gold. But I still have to fight mentally to keep from putting myself down or having self doubt due to all the crap in the past.

[Earthy]

I grew up with emotional abuse from my grandmother, then my first husband was emotionally abusive, witholding money, making me feel stupid and inferior - I couldn't do anything right except cook. Then my second husband was an alcoholic...which was its own form of abuse. Hubby now is one of the best people I've ever met...no abuse, treats me like gold. But I still have to fight mentally to keep from putting myself down or having self doubt due to all the crap in the past.

My ex was also an alcoholic, so i understand totally :hugz:
I think sometimes people don't realise how hard it is with emotional abuse, you may not see the scars but they are etched within us deeply.
I have decided recently that i am NOT going to criticize myself or run myself down any longer. I am a good person, i'm kind, and loving. i make mistakes, but i am human, i don't need to judge myself because of it.
:hugz:

[Aleannah]

I am that way normally anymore, unless I'm having a hard emotional day. Fortunately, those are more the exception than the rule. :)

[Kalika]

My ex was also an alcoholic, so i understand totally :hugz:
I think sometimes people don't realise how hard it is with emotional abuse, you may not see the scars but they are etched within us deeply.
I have decided recently that i am NOT going to criticize myself or run myself down any longer. I am a good person, i'm kind, and loving. i make mistakes, but i am human, i don't need to judge myself because of it.
:hugz:

Right on honey. :)

[Dead Eights]

Maybe we need to teach women self-defense from day one. or, well, how about day 2,555. :) That would make more sense.

[Kalika]

Maybe we need to teach women self-defense from day one. or, well, how about day 2,555. :) That would make more sense.

From age 7? :)

I don't know that its necessarily self-defense that is needed.

More, that they need to be instilled with a sense of self-worth, appreciation, and the feeling that they deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of what someone else might think of that.

Many of the women I know that have gone through this type of thing aren't lacking in physical strength... quite the contrary. It's an emotional and mental thing that keeps them there.

[zede]

i have a great deal of respect for you earthy, that you put your son first. i have always said what i will allow to happen to me and what i would allow to happen if i had a child are way different. i can choose to live with it or leave but my child would be stuck in it and you should always put them first. i mean no disrespect to any that did not get out when they had children , i know how hard it is to get out i was off and on with mine from the time i was 14 till i was 30. he is a drug addict and an acholic. i put up with it because there is addiction in my family. growing up my whole world was a mess he helped me in alot of ways i needed him and i so much wanted to save him. it took a very long time for me to understand that he didn't want to be saved. as for the self defence thing i fought back always made it worse alot of the time, but the mental abuse was worse for me the bruises heal the mental wounds don't .
I moved out after i had my son, i didn't want my son growing up with the same attitudes towards women...

[DreamSpell333]

I've never been in a domestic violence type relationship. My husbands always been great. Before I met him I went out with a guy and he tried telling me what to do and liked to put or try and put me down,so I broke it off with him.. he was my age,and my husband is almost 6 years older than me.. :) Sorry to all the woman who have been in a situation with violence.... :hugz:

[Brenda]

Well not me, but my parents have, so I guess that makes me a victim as well :(

[Willow Rosette]

I clicked other. Victorias father has left finger marks on my wrist before and I did push him (verbally) untill he picked me up and threw me over a coffee table. But that is twice in like 5 years it has even come close.

[Tanya]

I suppose every person and relationship has problems. I'm pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic, and not nice sometimes in relation to it.

His father was extremely abusive when he was drunk, (beat and raped his mother, beat the kids, killed pets.. etc etc.) and I know my hubby looks at it as "I only drink a few glasses of wine most nights...and sometimes I talk like a grump" so he thinks he's doing better than his Dad, BUT the key at least for me working it all out can be summed up in one word. "Cherish" Its our marrital touch stone through all other baggage the people we love bring into our lives, we are BOUND to show the other they are cherished Anything less isn't good enough.

[BeigeAllen]

Well not to tug anyone's heart strings too hard but I have been a victim of domestic violence with five different "generations" of my own familiy. My father was abusive, my grandmother was abusive, one of my cousins was abusive, my first husband was abusive, and the daughter I had by him recently celebrated the month of march by abusing me. She was also abused by my first husband.

Nor is my life the first to be chock full of different styles, levels, and depravities of abuse, both of my parents were abused, and it is suspected both of my grandmothers became abusive after being abused themselves. For us there is no doubt as to what to call it, our family has seen physical, mental, environmental, emotional, and sexual abuse. Mine was the first generation of our family that we know of to speak out against our abusers and even jail a few of them over the years.

Though I failed to keep my children from ever knowing the pain of abuse, it has not been a constant in their lives. For my oldest son and his sister, the abuse ended when I was able to take them away from their father. My son we were lucky enough to regain when he was 7, now at 15 he is a happy, well adjusted young man who only gets violent with people that abuse mates, children, or animals. My daughter, now 13, has only recently been regained from her father and because of her abuses of me I have placed in a group home until a psych evaluation and a few other check ups can be done on the poor lamb. I understand her abuse is in response to past abuse and the only way for her to learn to not abuse is to see someone that doesn't response to violence with violence.

People wonder how women like me remain in a relationship after the first punch is thrown. That's easy, long before the first punch is thrown, abusers work on your mental state. over time they pick and poke at every fault you ever thought you had and add to that the feeling that every mistake you make is a permanent defect in your character. So by the time the first punch is thrown, you feel like you deserve it. Its even easier to beat down adults who were already beaten down as children.

When you finally do escape an abuser, the hardest thing to do is not stay away from your past abuser, its to make sure you know what made you like them in the first place so you don't pick another one. Some of us are a little thick headed, so we go through two or three people who mistake us for punching bags. If you are a parent and you are being abused by your child, gods forbid you should be able to understand their reasons, because then you will believe you deserve the abuse.

I know some of you are going to be tempted to offer me some well meaning phrases about this post, but understand, I am not a victim; I am a survivor. I could not be all the things I am now without going through all the crap I did in my past. My daughter may feel like a victim now, but with time, support, the proper treatment, and the benefit of a mom who went through far worse and can show her the way out of the darkness, she too will be a survivor. We lived through our abuses, many do not.

If you are being abused, think you are being abused, are an abuser, think you might be an abuser, or know someone who fits any of those categories, or even if you just want to help stop the violence, check out http://www.ndvh.org


4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average 12-month period. 1

On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.2

92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.3

1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.4

1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.5
1 in 3 teens reports knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.6
Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.7
37% of all women who sought care in hospital emergency rooms for violence–related injuries were injured by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.8
Some estimates say almost 1 million incidents of violence occur against a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend per year. 9
For 30% of women who experience abuse, the first incident occurs during pregnancy.10
As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. 11
Violence against women costs companies $72.8 million annually due to lost productivity.12
74% of employed battered women were harrassed by their partner while they were at work.13


1. Henise, L., Ellsberg, M. and Geottemoeller, M. Ending Violence Against Women, Population Reports, Series L, No. 11., December 1999.
2. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001. February 2003.
3. Liz Claiborne Inc., study on Teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.
4. Jay G. Silverman, PhD; Anita Raj, PhD; Lorelei A. Mucci, MPH; and Jeannie E. Hathaway, MD, MPH, “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy , and Suicidality,” Journal of the American Medical Association, Vol. 286, No. 5, 2001.
5. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey, August 1995.
6. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.
7. US. Department of Justice, Violence? Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments, August 1997.
8. US Department of Justice
9. The Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, May 1999.
10. Helton et al 1987.
11. Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84
12. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Center for disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA/
13. Family Violence Prevention Fund. 1998. The Workplace Guide for Employer, Unions, and Advocates, San Francisco, CA.

[Kylie]

Well.

I have never been in a domestic relationship. I'm only 15.

But I had a boyfriend for a little less than 2 years who was very controlling and possesive, and there was some violence with that.

But.
He has left the building. =P

[HorseCrow]

No, I never have- and thinking of it, I don't know anyone who has either.

[Athena-Nadine]

Yes, I have been physically abused in past relationships. No longer.