None Pagan Parents and a Pagan Wedding....

[Morr]

So what am I going to do with my parents?

While they are not religous or practicing Jews, and are quite liberal, I know they wont understand nor like the idea of a Handfasting or any sort of Pagan ceremony for the wedding.

They dont mind about our wedding not being a Jewish one, and are fine with just a "Judge" to marry us legally.

But I dont know how to run the whole "Pagan" thing.

Truth be told, we want one of Semi's friends to be our Wedding Officiant. She is the Mama of his House, meaning this will be a very Pagan oriented wedding. Which we both want. But -- My parents seem to be planning on being there (I'm saying this since we are planning to go to Israel later on and have a party for my family here).

I dont know what to tell them!

Since we are splitting the ceremony and the reception, I was thinking of having a Pagan Ceremony with only our Wedding party (which we were planning on anyways and whom are all Pagan or Pagan friendly), but WITHOUT my parents. And then at the day of the reception, where ALL our friends will be there, we can have a judge come in, do a quick legal ceremony and then have the reception...

I feel kinda bad about NOT telling my parents about our Pagan wedding. But still.

Meh.


Any thoughts? Anyone have to deal with an issue like this? I KNOW I'm grown up, its MY wedding and whatever I say go no matter how fussy my mother gets. But still...

Argh.

[Xentor]

Kaylara and me held a split wedding too: a pagan one for us and close relatives who don't oppose paganism, and a civil one for everyone else.

Our problem was similar, since Kaylara's father and her grandmother don't agree with her being Wiccan. Her grandmother was on the verge of calling off the entire wedding because of that.

We solved it by not letting anyone but pagan-friendlies in on the pagan wedding.

[Morr]

Thanks Xeny

I think we're going to have to do the same.

Argh.

I'm going to have to talk to Semi about this as well.

[Calen]

Are you out of the broom-closet with your parents? If you are, you could just ask them whether they'd like to be a part of that ceremony. That way, you'd be giving them a simple choice, and they'd be able to say no if it made them uncomfortable, without missing your whole nuptual fandango.

If they don't know and you don't want to tell them, a split ceremony probably is the best way to go.

Best of luck! I know your special day will be special either way.

Our problem was similar, since Kaylara's father and her grandmother don't agree with her being Wiccan. Her grandmother was on the verge of calling off the entire wedding because of that.

Kaylara's grandmother was on the verge of calling of Kaylara's wedding? There's a trick I'd like to see. :wtf:

[~Elise~]

Rick and I faced the same issue. We decided that this is who we were and we had to honor that... we went with a predominately heathen ceremony and everyone loved it, including my dad--who is Christian, but open. He loved the symbology of everything.

I officiate lots of handfastings... and I've found that most non-pagans love the symbology that we incorporate into our ceremonies. It is something that's been lost in most 'traditional' weddings these days.

Elise

Elise

[equinox2]

We had a big public wedding for everyone which was true to our beliefs. That included inviting people who were very Christian, etc. Overall, it went great, and even for the fundies, being at a wedding that wasn't done they way they liked was better than being excluded.

In fact, I think the best way to do it is to make the invitation have some clear pagan element, and then they can decide for themselves. After all, they are all adults, they can handle it.

I see this kind of thing as yet another place where pagans often hide or act ashamed of their religion. I was raised Catholic, and my cousins all had catholic weddings. I can't imagine them sitting around before the wedding saying "oh, my friend Apu is hindu, so we shouldn't invite him", or "Jim is Lutheran, so don't invite him". Going through the extra work of having two weddings seems like you are ashamed of who you are.

Also - when we looked up the wedding laws, they said that you can get married according to your religious tradition. We went to our UU church and got a letter saying that it was consistent with UU beliefs (since UU's have no set doctrine) to be married by your wedding party. So we go married without an "official" minister of any kind, and didn't have to go to any kind of dry, non-spiritual court for "approval". We had to explain to the county clerk why the wedding certificate was signed by people who weren't ministers, but we showed copies of the law and the letter from UU and it all went fine.

Parents especially I think should be invited, and if they are so bigoted that they aren't happy to be at their child's wedding (especially one that expresses who their child is), then I have to say that that doesn't reflect well on the parents.

Anyway, just my two cents. Feel free to ask about anything, and I wish you the best on your wedding - may it be as perfect as you dream it to be!

[Kalika]

Exactly why we got married... and told everyone after the fact. :lol:

Well, you could just have it... and deal with their reaction after the fact too. :)

How obviously Pagan will it be to a non-pagan?

[Morgandria]

My husband and I are doing this basically the same: pagan friends and my mom and brothers, who accept my faith, are invited to our handfasting in September. We were betrothed last September, and had a smaller list of guests than we do for this year.

Later on we'll have a civil union somewhere pretty and a big reception dinner for everyone else, who won't get the handfasting part.

[Chesna]

I think giving your parents the choice of wether theywant to be there is important. But stress that one will be heavily pagan and the other will be not..let them know you understand if they choose one over the other and that you understand that they may want to be at both because..either way..your still their little girl.

Good Luck!!!

Chesna

[Tzhebee]

We have a similar problem. My immediate family knows and for the most part could care less. It's my family from the east coast who will take issue with it. My cousin was supposed to be my MOH, my dad was supposed to walk me down the isle. I knew that I needed to tell them this wasn't a traditional wedding...but honestly, I'm "afraid" to tell them I'm Pagan. My grandmother is (and I say this in the most loving manor) a "bible-thumping baptist". She sends me Christian propaganda at least once a month and is constantly telling me how worried she is about the children since they don't go to church.

When she came to visit a couple years ago, some Mormans stopped by. They come by once a week, talk to the kids, sing songs...doesn't bother us. But my gramma flat freaked out! Added to that, Anothony's (my FH) gramma is Jehovah's Whitness. When my gramma found out that Anothony's gramma sometimes takes the kids to church with her, she again freaked out. I honestly believe that the poor woman would have a heart attack if I told her.

So, instead of flat out telling them...I said I was having a different ceremony and forwarded the words to them. Next thing you know my cousin backs out of being my MOH and isn't even coming. And my dad and my gramma "just don't think they will be able to make it". :( I find it very difficult to accept their decisions....especially since Anothony's gramma (the Jehovah's Whitness) knows and she's still coming. Now...Anothony's mom who has loved me up until this point, recently found out that I'm Pagan and had a few choice words about it....which Anothony promptly put to a stop. She's since come around.

But regardless of all that shit. I'm having my wedding the way I want it. I'm wearing a strapless dress (even with my new tattoo (http://www.mysticwicks.com/photoalbum/displayimage.php?album=192&pos=1) showing in all it's glory), I'm having a handfasting, and dammit! I AM wearing my 5" platform knee-high lace up boots!!!!! :lol:

(vows attached)

[Chesna]

We have a similar problem. My immediate family knows and for the most part could care less. It's my family from the east coast who will take issue with it. My cousin was supposed to be my MOH, my dad was supposed to walk me down the isle. I knew that I needed to tell them this wasn't a traditional wedding...but honestly, I'm "afraid" to tell them I'm Pagan. My grandmother is (and I say this in the most loving manor) a "bible-thumping baptist". She sends me Christian propaganda at least once a month and is constantly telling me how worried she is about the children since they don't go to church.

When she came to visit a couple years ago, some Mormans stopped by. They come by once a week, talk to the kids, sing songs...doesn't bother us. But my gramma flat freaked out! Added to that, Anothony's (my FH) gramma is Jehovah's Whitness. When my gramma found out that Anothony's gramma sometimes takes the kids to church with her, she again freaked out. I honestly believe that the poor woman would have a heart attack if I told her.

So, instead of flat out telling them...I said I was having a different ceremony and forwarded the words to them. Next thing you know my cousin backs out of being my MOH and isn't even coming. And my dad and my gramma "just don't think they will be able to make it". :( I find it very difficult to accept their decisions....especially since Anothony's gramma (the Jehovah's Whitness) knows and she's still coming. Now...Anothony's mom who has loved me up until this point, recently found out that I'm Pagan and had a few choice words about it....which Anothony promptly put to a stop. She's since come around.

But regardless of all that shit. I'm having my wedding the way I want it. I'm wearing a strapless dress (even with my new tattoo (http://www.mysticwicks.com/photoalbum/displayimage.php?album=192&pos=1) showing in all it's glory), I'm having a handfasting, and dammit! I AM wearing my 5" platform knee-high lace up boots!!!!! :lol:

(vows attached)

I read the vows and I have never seen anything as beautiful (except maybe my own wedding!!!) It speaks of love, truth, compassion, honor and togetherness...afterall isn't that what a marriage is??

Chesna

[equinox2]

We had a big public wedding for everyone which was true to our beliefs. That included inviting people who were very Christian, etc. Overall, it went great, and even for the fundies, being at a wedding that wasn't done they way they liked was better than being excluded.

In fact, I think the best way to do it is to make the invitation have some clear pagan element, and then they can decide for themselves. After all, they are all adults, they can handle it.

I see this kind of thing as yet another place where pagans often hide or act ashamed of their religion. I was raised Catholic, and my cousins all had catholic weddings. I can't imagine them sitting around before the wedding saying "oh, my friend Apu is hindu, so we shouldn't invite him", or "Jim is Lutheran, so don't invite him". Going through the extra work of having two weddings seems like you are ashamed of who you are.

Tzhebee wrote:
And my dad and my gramma "just don't think they will be able to make it".

And they didn't even have the honesty to say they objected religiously. I mean come on "can't make it" to your daughter's wedding??!?!

I think that after Paganism is accepted and mainstream, many of us will still be alive. We'll tell our grand kids "yeah, back then many Pagans actually held two separate weddings because of what people might think!! It really used to be that way!" "oh, right, grandma, and you used to walk uphill both ways to school I bet too!". 8O

Also - when we looked up the wedding laws, they said that you can get married according to your religious tradition. We went to our UU church and got a letter saying that it was consistent with UU beliefs (since UU's have no set doctrine) to be married by your wedding party. So we go married without an "official" minister of any kind, and didn't have to go to any kind of dry, non-spiritual court for "approval". We had to explain to the county clerk why the wedding certificate was signed by people who weren't ministers, but we showed copies of the law and the letter from UU and it all went fine.

Parents especially I think should be invited, and if they are so bigoted that they aren't happy to be at their child's wedding (especially one that expresses who their child is), then I have to say that that doesn't reflect well on the parents.

Anyway, just my two cents. Feel free to ask about anything, and I wish you the best on your wedding - may it be as perfect as you dream it to be!

[wolf]

Try this ... "Mom, dad, we wrote our own vows. We want to honor our commitment to each other with an inclusive spirituality."

[DragonsChest]

Well, huh. I thought I had responded to this already, but hey, short term memory is the first to go, so they say.

Your parents are most able to make you dance to their tune because they are the ones who tied the strings to you in the first place. But ya always seem to love them anyway! :hehehehe:

Having two ceremonies is twice the expense, but it may be the best solution all around. Be upfront and honest about the desire to have different themes so as to try and accomodate everyone (I think that's very nice of you!!!). Then allow them to choose which one they would feel more comfortable coming to.