Ending a handfasting....

[SilverClaw]

Does anyone know of any handparting ceremonies? Or things to do to bring closure to a handfasting?

[MysticWitch]

you mean like a divorce? or honey moon?
I figured that a handfasting was for a year and a day anyways.. cant you call it quit physically and emotionally after that? :hahugh:
I have never heard of any ceremonies other than take your wedding band to the jeweler and get some extra $ to buy your self a new pair of shoes to feel better. :bigblue:

[SilverClaw]

I have never heard of any ceremonies other than take your wedding band to the jeweler and get some extra $ to buy your self a new pair of shoes to feel better. :bigblue:

Lol with my previous wedding bands no I did not go buy new shoes... dam I cannot remember what I did with it other then pawned the one off...

Anyways ya I know some people say you can just walk away after the year and a day, but I have already some what done that I just want to do it for closure now. The only thing I can think of is the cording ritual I do to let go of things.

[Sage Rainsong]

You can try here: http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/handparting.html

I must sound like a walking billboard for this book but Handfasting and wedding rituals By Raven Kaldera and Tannin Schwarzstein has an extensive chapter on handpartings. I'm sorry that you need this ritual and best of luck to you in the future.

[SilverClaw]

Thank you and that web site looks like it will help in other areas I need to address to .

[SilverClaw]

Ok I looked at the site the hand parting I will not be able to do but I think it at least gave me some inspiration on how to go about doing it. Thanks again for the link.

[skilly-nilly]

Does anyone know of any handparting ceremonies? Or things to do to bring closure to a handfasting?

The way I see it, at the time-markers of year-and-a-day, 3 years, 5years, and 7 years the couple has to actively agree to be connected for the longer time or the bond is automatically dissolved. You could do a litle untying ceremony to underline the ending, but (imo) the ending happens when you don't renew. Breaking something from your handfasting or untying your knot...whatever you feel would bring you closure.

After 7 years (still imo) you would be handfasted for life and to end the connection one partner would have to ritually divorce the other by proving them to be an oathbreaker--completely different ceremony.

[SilverClaw]

you would be handfasted for life and to end the connection one partner would have to ritually divorce the other by proving them to be an oathbreaker--completely different ceremon how would you do that ?

[Tanya]

You could always go the Islamic style and say "I divorce you." three times in public....spitting at the other person is optional.. depending on how high feelings are running. ;)

[SilverClaw]

You could always go the Islamic style and say "I divorce you." three times in public....spitting at the other person is optional.. depending on how high feelings are running. I am sorry but that spitting part made me laugh thanks for your post.

[Teresa]

You can try here: http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/handparting.html

I must sound like a walking billboard for this book but Handfasting and wedding rituals By Raven Kaldera and Tannin Schwarzstein has an extensive chapter on handpartings. I'm sorry that you need this ritual and best of luck to you in the future.
Excellent link there. I too am sorry if you need this ritual! /Hugs

[SilverClaw]

Excellent link there. I too am sorry if you need this ritual! /Hugs Thanks. I guess, I am never sure what to say when people say that to me. :)

[skilly-nilly]

After 7 years (still imo) you would be handfasted for life and to end the connection one partner would have to ritually divorce the other by proving them to be an oathbreaker--completely different ceremony.


how would you do that ?


By opening a link to the God/s/dess/desses before whom you swore oaths when hand-fasting and declaring, preferably with proof preferably with witnesses, that the other party has forsworn hirself. No one remains bound to an oathbreaker, so that would end it. 'Not getting along', however, is not grounds---it is a heavy accusation.

[Lunacie]

Oh come on, some relationships end simply because they have run their course, not necessarily because one of the partners was "an oath breaker." Every handfasting ritual I've ever seen or heard includes this petition to the element of earth:



Let your strength and constancy be theirs
for so long as they desire to remain together.


In a church wedding it is believed that God somehow creates a special bond between the couple who are marrying and it's very serious business to dissolve that "holy bond". In a handfasting it is believed that there is already a bond between them and they are asking the god and goddess to honor and bless that bond.

However, the couple still needs to agree on a fair division of mutual possessions and property, and agree on provisions for the support of any children.



The Going of the Ways (from "A Book of Pagan Rituals)

The altar should be placed on the western edge of the circle. Place two candles, some incense in a brazier, a length of white cord or ribbon, a sharp double-edged knife and a photo or drawing of the couple who are parting on the altar. After casting the circle and calling the quarters, the priest or priestess should light the candles and the incense, then hold his right hand aloft and say,

May the place of this rite be consecrated before the Old Ones.
We gather here to perform that which must be done.
_______ and _______, come forward and stand here before us.

You both fully know the import of this step.
So now for the very last time...
Do you wish, _______, to part? (the woman answers)
Do you wish, _______, to part? (the man answers)

If one or both say "no" then the rite is halted and the priest/ess works with the couple to reconcile.

If both answer "yes", the priest/ess takes the photo or drawing and holds it in the smoke from the incense for a moment, then holds it out to the couple, saying,

Here in this place and before the eyes of the Old Ones
and the creatures of the Elements,
I bid you destroy this symbol of your life together.

The two then tear the photo or drawing in half and each person further shreds his and her half of the photo. Then they hand the pieces back to the priest/ess who places them into the incense brazier and sets them afire.

Next the priest/ess takes the white cord and ties it around the right hands of both partners, leaving a hand's length of cord between their hands, takes the knife from the altar and holds it aloft in salute, saying:

We do ask you, O Blessed Lady and Most Revered Lord
To heal the wounds of parting
And to comfort the hearts of those who do feel pain.
When both have gone their ways
Let love, and not bitterness, remain within.

The priest/ess quickly cuts the cord with the sharp knife, saying,

You are free.
Go now, and go in peace
For this rite is ended.

The candles are snuffed, the Elements are thanked and released, and the god and goddess are thanked with honor.


My own marriage ended because my ex was indeed "an oath breaker" and cheated on me, continuing to do so even after we discussed the issue. So there was too much bitterness and hard feelings to come together for such a ritual. Which is unfortunate because I was left without that sense of closure until my ex died of a sudden massive heart attack just one year after the divorce was final. I am still bitter towards the woman who was having an affair with him.

[SilverClaw]

ok well we only did our handfasting last year, and been married 5 years.. so I am just trying to get this striaght.

But ya I talked to someone else who mentioned what to do.


By opening a link to the God/s/dess/desses before whom you swore oaths when hand-fasting and declaring, preferably with proof preferably with witnesses, that the other party has forsworn hirself. No one remains bound to an oathbreaker, so that would end it. 'Not getting along', however, is not grounds---it is a heavy accusation. well i have no witnesses.

And thanks Lunacie for your post. I have never seen the petition to the element of earth before.

[skilly-nilly]

Oh come on, some relationships end simply because they have run their course, not necessarily because one of the partners was "an oath breaker." Every handfasting ritual I've ever seen or heard includes this petition to the element of earth:

Let your strength and constancy be theirs
for so long as they desire to remain together.

In a church wedding it is believed that God somehow creates a special bond between the couple who are marrying and it's very serious business to dissolve that "holy bond". In a handfasting it is believed that there is already a bond between them and they are asking the god and goddess to honor and bless that bond.

I am still bitter

There are several things I take issue with in your post:


"Oh come on" Clearly, our belief systems differ. If you can make fun of mine, can I make fun of yours or would that be disrespectful?

"some relationships simply run their course"
My point was that by the time a couple has been connected for 7 years they should have a sense of the lastingness of their tie or not and that it would take extraordinary circumstances to break the bond after that time. Not that some relationships don't wither away; just that the condition should be recognised. Inertia isn't togetherness.

"Every handfasting ritual I've ever seen or heard..." Mine didn't. See above; clearly blah blah blah.

"so long as they desire" Well, sure.......if you put a no-default clause in the oath you swear before the Gods, obviously no one can then default on the oath. There's a cover-yer-a*** i mean honor clause to keep everyone safe, there.

"In a church wedding it is believed that God .....it's very serious business. In a handfasting it is believed....."
Your implication seems to be that God/s/dess/desses are not present at a handfasting and it's somehow less serious than a "church" wedding. I would disagree. At our handfasting (nearly 12 years ago now) I remarked to my husband that it was almost funny how we believed that the Gods were present and observant of our oath-taking when so few people at a 'church' wedding actually have the same convictions.

As well, I think that "it is believed" should read "my opinion is". Not everyone's beliefs are the same, and I think that you are generalizing from a limited database. Maybe "in my experience" would work, but the ymmv clause should be invoked as well, lest one seem narrow-minded.

In my belief system, a handfasting is a serious and heart-felt oathtaking sworn before (preferably) human witnesses as well as Deities. The participants are then honor-bound to fufill, as best they can, the particular oaths sworn
(for example, my husband and I decided not to swear sharing of material goods because we were not going to be having children but did swear assistance in sickness and/or disability because we hope to grow old and feeble together)
for the year-and-a-day then renew (or change) them at the intervals until, at 7 years, we should know our minds.

"I am still bitter" As you say. Try not to let discussion become flashpoint.





ok well we only did our handfasting last year, and been married 5 years.. so I am just trying to get this striaght.


"By opening a link to the God/s/dess/desses before whom you swore oaths when hand-fasting and declaring, preferably with proof preferably with witnesses, that the other party has forsworn hirself. No one remains bound to an oathbreaker, so that would end it. 'Not getting along', however, is not grounds---it is a heavy accusation."

well i have no witnesses other then my kids and well I do not think they would remember what happened at least I hope not.

If you are at the 'year-and-a-day' point in your handfasting and the 5 year point in your marriage then (imo) you should be at a place where dissolution of your bond would just be a matter of declairing your intentions clearly. 'I divorce him' or spitting would be good statements of intention. Ripping a photo or burning some memento would also work---I did a ritual of divorcement where the divorcing person broke a little box of sugared almonds that were their wedding favors (her mother had saved some for years) on the front step of the now-for-sale marital house.

Really, all you need are yourself and your God/s. I hope with you that your children don't remember--let it be so.

Sending good wishes for your Right Action.

[SilverClaw]

Really, all you need are yourself and your God/s. I hope with you that your children don't remember--let it be so.

Sending good wishes for your Right Action. Thanks i appreciate it.

[Little Billy]

After 7 years (still imo) you would be handfasted for life and to end the connection one partner would have to ritually divorce the other by proving them to be an oathbreaker--completely different ceremony.

By opening a link to the God/s/dess/desses before whom you swore oaths when hand-fasting and declaring, preferably with proof preferably with witnesses, that the other party has forsworn hirself. No one remains bound to an oathbreaker, so that would end it. 'Not getting along', however, is not grounds---it is a heavy accusation.



Damn. I thought the Catholics were strict about this sort of thing, but...damn.

So, I guess the two people are just doomed to be miserable together, eh?

[skilly-nilly]

So, I guess the two people are just doomed to be miserable together, eh?


No, both people should act with self- and other-understanding, know their natures, and be honest with themselves and the other. If after 7 years they don't know enough to keep from making a miserable union then they pretty much get what they deserve.

[Lunacie]

Skilly-Nilly, you have very high standards. Nothing wrong with that. But you can't expect everyone else to adhere to the same standards.

[SilverClaw]

But you can't expect everyone else to adhere to the same standards. I do not think she was expecting that just stating her opinion and views on the matter.

[Lunacie]

I do not think she was expecting that just stating her opinion and views on the matter.

That's all that I was doing as well. I was not making fun of anyone else's religion or their beliefs. Just because I share a line from every handfasting ritual I have seen doesn't mean I believe everyone else will have had the same experience. And I certainly wasn't saying that vows made during a handfasting are any less sincere than those done during a church wedding, but in my experience they are not generally of the "till death do us part" variety.

My opinions on handfasting and the difference between dissolving a handfasting versus dissolving a marriage had nothing to do with the bitterness I felt about what happened to my own marriage. Mine was a church wedding (at the time I was of the Christian faith), not a Pagan handfasting.

[skilly-nilly]

Skilly-Nilly, you have very high standards. Nothing wrong with that. But you can't expect everyone else to adhere to the same standards.

Hymnia, I believe, posted asking for suggestions and opinions. I have those.

Where do you see me posting that I expect everyone else to follow my guidelines? I went back over my posts to see if I had somehow mistakenly given out. What I said was:

The way I see it

but (imo)

After 7 years (still imo)

Clearly, our belief systems differ


As well, I think that "it is believed" should read "my opinion is". Not everyone's beliefs are the same, and I think that you are generalizing from a limited database. Maybe "in my experience" would work, but the ymmv clause should be invoked as well, lest one seem narrow-minded.

In my belief system

then (imo)


:rant:
I believe that wedding is a form of contractual agreement. I believe that what you swear to you are honor-bound to fufill to the utmost of your capabilities. I think that love is not some kind of no-effort fairy dust that falls on your life; but that it is like a garden--you plant good seeds but if you don't weed and nurture it you get no flowers.

I believe that the God/s/dess/desses listen to us when we address Them and I, for one, would not go before my Gods and say, "That last ritual?????Never mind now.........."

[SilverClaw]

That's all that I was doing as well. Yes I know you were and I appeciate it, if I did not want the varying views I would not have posted.

[Little Billy]

No, both people should act with self- and other-understanding, know their natures, and be honest with themselves and the other. If after 7 years they don't know enough to keep from making a miserable union then they pretty much get what they deserve.


Well, let's just say that - though I respect your beliefs - I won't be converting to them.

LB,
Knows that people change. Even after 7 years together.

[skilly-nilly]

Well, let's just say that - though I respect your beliefs - I won't be converting to them.

LB,
Knows that people change. Even after 7 years together.

On the one hand, if you know yourself to be changable you should keep from making long-term committmmentts.

On the other hand, respect for others' beliefs, I agree, is fundamental.

On the gripping hand, since my belief system is based on the precept 'Make up your own mind' EVERYBODY WHO THINKS FOR THEMSELVES is a member of MY church
Mwahahahahahaha:alol:

[Lunacie]

It sounds like you're saying that change is a bad thing? People who never change anything about themselves never grow, never mature. One big reason I visit discussion boards is that reading what other's have to say sometimes opens my eyes to a way of thinking I had not seen before, and sometimes I change my opinion. I think this is a good thing.

I have certainly not said that people should not honor their vows, whether they are made to another person, to the gods, or only to themselves. But it's only realistic that people can and do change... and if that change causes them to think that keeping that vow will do more harm than good, then they need to look at the situation and see if it can be made to work still, or if changes need to be made.

(Obviously the above post is only my opinion, I speak for no one else. The whole point of posting on a discussion board is to share our opinions and knowledge with each other.)

[SilverClaw]

People who never change anything about themselves never grow, never mature. Ok that is freaky were you just reading my mind Lunacie I was just trying to type up a post with this simliar thought in it :D

[Lunacie]

Ok that is freaky were you just reading my mind Lunacie I was just trying to type up a post with this simliar thought in it :D

Of course I was. :lol:

[SilverClaw]

:lol: that was a scary thought :D
Anyways can I ask though what happens if the SO does not want to do anything to break this tie? I think doing this is a first stepleading to the divorce and starting to let go, but I do not think he wants to do it...

[Lunacie]

To go back a bit - as long as Hymnia doesn't feel we have completely hijacked her request for information...


There are several things I take issue with in your post:

"so long as they desire" Well, sure.......if you put a no-default clause in the oath you swear before the Gods, obviously no one can then default on the oath. There's a cover-yer-a*** i mean honor clause to keep everyone safe, there.


Why in the world would someone want to stay married if the desire was gone?

[Just so you know, I didn't write that into the ritual myself. I was quoting from more than one source/book.]

[Lunacie]

:lol: that was a scary thought :D

I think we were just on the same wavelength. ;)


Anyways can I ask though what happens if the SO does not want to do anything to break this tie? I think doing this is a first stepleading to the divorce and starting to let go, but I do not think he wants to do it...

Ah, and there's the rub, eh? Will he see a marriage counselor with you, or some kind of mediator? Probably not, given his history in ignoring everything that he doesn't want to deal with. If you talk to him about it and he still refuses to work on making the relationship better but also refuses to talk about divorce, you may have to begin the divorce all by yourself. In that case you can take the photo and tear it in half yourself (or with a priest/ess) and then hand him his half to do with as he chooses.

[SilverClaw]

Ah I will be back to respond when I am not so upset ..

[skilly-nilly]

It sounds like you're saying that change is a bad thing? People who never change anything about themselves never grow, never mature. One big reason I visit discussion boards is that reading what other's have to say sometimes opens my eyes to a way of thinking I had not seen before, and sometimes I change my opinion.


To go back a bit -
Why in the world would someone want to stay married if the desire was gone?


change:
To become different or undergo alteration: He changed as he matured.
To undergo transformation or transition: The music changed to a slow waltz.
To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons.

changeable:
Liable to change; capricious: changeable weather.
Being such that alteration is possible: changeable behavior.

What I said to Little Billy was that if he knew himself to be capricious he should not make long-term committittmmentts, which is a little different from 'change'.
Change happens. For example--I love being in Nature, so I used to backpack up into the mountains. Now I'm traumatically handicapped so I garden and sit on my back deck. It's a change, but I'm still the same Nature-Lover.

Everyone has new ideas, learns new stuff, enlarges different skills, lets other things go, but I think that the fictive belief that people can 'change' their core personalities is one of the great and tragic fallacies of the post-modern age. I believe that the person is innate but agree that the expression of it can change and be changed according to will and chance.


I am kind of re-constructionist Pagan so, yes, my ideas tend to be a little archaic---feel free to think something quite different.

I thing that feelings are the possession of the person who has them, and not the responsibility of the person who elicits them. If a person says, "I love you" that's hir feeling and not necessarily anything to do with the love object. Think of the stalker and the stalked, as an extreme example. The stalker 'blames' the stalked for 'making' them feel in a societally unacceptably way but is it really the stalked's 'fault'? No, I think not.

I think that actions are what is given to one's loved ones, not feelings (which stay with the lover). "I love you," says a person, "and so I want to do nice things for you, help you out when you need support, and generally be an important part of your life." Those are actions, not feelings. The feelings prompt the actions but the feelings stay behind with the feeler.

Actions are the bricks and feelings are the morter that you build a home from. Morter alone isn't enough but the bricks wouldn't stay together without it. The way I see it, one shouldn't marry because you "desire" a person. One should marry someone one desires, of course, but the motivator (imo) should be mutual support and care, mutuation of goals, respect for each other and some commonality of beliefs and ideals. I believe that Right Action towards one's spouse ensures the continuation of desire. On the other hand, I don't think that desire is self-replicating either--just having a lot of great sex without considerate behavior wouldn't be enough.


Sooooooooooooo, to wrench the discussion back to Hymnia :fpoke: ...



Anyways can I ask though what happens if the SO does not want to do anything to break this tie? I think doing this is a first stepleading to the divorce and starting to let go, but I do not think he wants to do it...


I think what the SO wants isn't really the important thing--what's important is what he does. If he says that he loves you and doesn't want to let go but then treats you in an uncaring, hurtful way I would say that the hurtful actions are what's 'real' and his feelings of love are wholly his own and not your responsibility. You have to base your actions on his actions, not on what he says.

[SilverClaw]

Ok thanks you two for your help... I feel like a cloud has gone made everything hazy as what to do but I sure when I am meant to do it I will.

[wooleybob]

Or you can do it old school ways..lol...Say three times,I BREAK WITH THEE,I BREAK WITH THEE,I BREAK WITH THEE,and then throw dog poop on their shoe...:lol: jk

[skilly-nilly]

Ok thanks you two for your help... I feel like a cloud has gone made everything hazy as what to do but I sure when I am meant to do it I will.

Do what you think is right, when you think is the right time.....good wishes.

[NiftyWings]

Anyways can I ask though what happens if the SO does not want to do anything to break this tie? I think doing this is a first stepleading to the divorce and starting to let go, but I do not think he wants to do it...

One thing you've left out of this post is the reason you are leaving this marriage, which I'm sure will make a huge difference in the advice you're getting. Since you've posted that reason on the boards before, I'm assuming you won't consider it a breach of your privacy for me to say it here.

This marriage you are leaving was very abusive, and your husband is going to take advantage of any opening you give him to inflict more trauma before you go. Asking him to take part in a ritual involving the two of you would give him lots of opportunity to give you grief. Forget about involving him in any of it....create a separation ritual just for you.

[Seren_]

Taking off your wedding ring would do the trick, in my book. You could give it back to him if you really wanted to involve him but by the sounds it he wouldn't accept it. Whether he accepts it or not won't make a difference to the fact that your marriage is still over, though, but it might be more confrontational than you'd want. If you don't think it would help to involve him, then it's not essential.

I don't think it matters precisely what you do. What matters is that it will be something that has meaning to you and will allow you to move on. If you used cords in your handfasting then you could symbolically cut them. I know some people use their dedicant or degree cords in a handfasting and tend to put a knot in them as a marker of the occasion. Since they won't want to cut/destroy their cords, they can symbolically undo the knot at their handparting, with appropriate words being said.

Alternatively you could just get two cords or ribbons and thread them through your wedding ring (especially if you want to keep it/don't want to involve your ex). Put a knot in the threads to symbolise your hanfasting/union and then burn or cut it saying something like "Where love once was, love has gone; May the pain be healed and let us both move on." (addressing or calling on your gods as you feel is appropriate).

You might find it a good cathartic experience to take the opportunity to think about what was and let yourself grieve for the loss of your relationship. I know for a lot of people that even if they choose to leave someone, there's always a little regret and remorse that they've lost something that used to make them happy. If you want, you could allow all your feelings to pour out into a glass of water/wine etc, and then when you're done cleanse the ick with bright white light and drink it back in to cleanse yourself, saying something like "Resolve and dissolve: That which was dark, Turns to light." See yourself transformed, glowing and strong. You could put your wedding ring in the drink to cleanse that too, or cleanse it at a later date.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best :hugz:

[SilverClaw]

One thing you've left out of this post is the reason you are leaving this marriage, which I'm sure will make a huge difference in the advice you're getting. Actually I got what I wanted from this thread without mentioning why the marriage was over.
Thanks everyone for you thoughts and adivce on the matter.

[NiftyWings]

Ok thanks you two for your help... I feel like a cloud has gone made everything hazy as what to do but I sure when I am meant to do it I will.

From this statement, it seemed like you were more confused about the situation than when you posted. And while the advice that had been posted was good, it had the potential to make things worse for you. It's hard for someone to give advice, when they aren't given the full story. Perhaps in a situation like this, it's better to privately ask those who do know what's going on?

[SilverClaw]

From this statement, it seemed like you were more confused about the situation than when you posted No I had just woken up and was not sure how to respond to the previous post and expressing hwow I felt at the momenet. Also at that point I had not decided for sure what actions to take, do I do it this before we move or after that kind of thing. So that is all that post was about or referring to.

[Lunacie]

What I said to Little Billy was that if he knew himself to be capricious he should not make long-term committittmmentts, which is a little different from 'change'.

I don't see that happening in my world. People who are capricious get married and divorced over and over and over. I don't know what that has to do with some being fed up with their spouse and their spouse's behavior and feels a need to end that relationship. Hymnia's hubby probably did exhibit some controlling behavior and anger issues early in the marriage, but those have probably become worse over time as they've had to deal with a great amount of stress and pressure. Did his 'core personality' change? Not inherantly, but certainly in degree.

Our core personalities may not change, but our behavior certainly can and often does. On this we seem to agree. Which is all very interesting, but I'm not sure how it became a sticking point in this particular discussion.


I think that actions are what is given to one's loved ones, not feelings (which stay with the lover). "I love you," says a person, "and so I want to do nice things for you, help you out when you need support, and generally be an important part of your life." Those are actions, not feelings. The feelings prompt the actions but the feelings stay behind with the feeler.

That would be an ideal relationship/marriage, but in truth people often do something nice for someone else in order to make that person feel indebted, and then the action has a negative connotation. According to current stats, less than 10 percent of the population is Empathic and can tell when the feelings don't match the actions. As an Empath who had been told for her whole life that I was "too sensitive" I keep stuffing those feelings instead of listening to them, and I stayed far too long in a relationship that was toxic for both my ex and myself.


I think what the SO wants isn't really the important thing--what's important is what he does. If he says that he loves you and doesn't want to let go but then treats you in an uncaring, hurtful way I would say that the hurtful actions are what's 'real' and his feelings of love are wholly his own and not your responsibility. You have to base your actions on his actions, not on what he says.

Very well said. Excellent advice.

[SilverClaw]

Hymnia's hubby probably did exhibit some controlling behavior and anger issues early in the marriage, but those have probably become worse over time as they've had to deal with a great amount of stress and pressure. Actually to correct you there Lunacie nope the first 7 or so years no problems like that whatsoever, then with all the crap in the past two years that is where we ran into problems. Stress was a major factor, losing his job and no longer talking and other things happened that has resulted in our present situation.

Anyways I start doing my letting go aspect of this tommorw and will contiue to do it until i no longer feel the need to continue it. Thanks again for the adivce here.

[Zhr Morgana]

Hymnia asked me to post my opinion here...just want y'all to know I didn't read the entire thread so bear with me if I missed any arguments/catfights and what-not.

Handfastings, as far as I know, are only for a set amount of time (a year and a day or whatever) or as long as love lasts. IMO, once the time limit is gone or the love is gone and the couple doesn't decide to renew their vows, they don't need to do anything more. If the couple desires to have some sort of separation ritual then that is their choice. Personally, once it's over it's over, and you don't need to do anything more unless you want to.

Letting go of someone is very hard, especially when you were with them for so long and have been a part of you for so many years. Believe me, I am going through that too. That imo is something separate from the actual "handfasting" itself, and whatever you feel needs to be done in order to "purge" that man/woman from your system...you just do it. It is also important that once they're gone and you WANT them gone, to not dwell on them or on any regrets that you have from the past. Find something or someone new to fill the time that he/she used to take. You gotta do something or else the loneliness will eat you up inside.