I just don't know what to do

[Pandy Fackler]

One of my friend's is suicidally depressed. I'm trying to help him as much as I can but really...it's not enough. I've suggested to him that he commit himself because, honestly, I think that's what he needs: constant care, help, etc.

Sometimes, he's nice and accepts my help...just talking with me listening.
Sometimes, he keeps snapping at me for helping him. Saying things like, "Why don't you just leave me alone and stop giving me shit about all this? If you wanted to help, where were you for the past couple of months?"

I just want to shake him and say, "Well, because you're so good at hiding all of this, I didn't KNOW you needed this much help! And PLUS, I've been dealing with my OWN shit for the past couple of months and I'm sorry I can't be a live-in nanny for you!"

I get so frustrated! I don't know what to do anymore!

We have a deal that if he or I don't notice him getting better by Friday, he'll commit himself. But...I just wish he would do it now. He NEEDS it now.

Am I doing the right thing by not telling his parents like he asked? Am I doing the right thing by just standing by and watching him deteriorate and then feeling guilty when he yells at me for not doing more? I just don't know anymore... I'm so stressed out, and it's not only with all of this. I'm trying to juggle my own life AND his.



....what do I do?

[Dio]

One of my friend's is suicidally depressed. I'm trying to help him as much as I can but really...it's not enough. I've suggested to him that he commit himself because, honestly, I think that's what he needs: constant care, help, etc.

Sometimes, he's nice and accepts my help...just talking with me listening.
Sometimes, he keeps snapping at me for helping him. Saying things like, "Why don't you just leave me alone and stop giving me shit about all this? If you wanted to help, where were you for the past couple of months?"

I just want to shake him and say, "Well, because you're so good at hiding all of this, I didn't KNOW you needed this much help! And PLUS, I've been dealing with my OWN shit for the past couple of months and I'm sorry I can't be a live-in nanny for you!"

I get so frustrated! I don't know what to do anymore!

We have a deal that if he or I don't notice him getting better by Friday, he'll commit himself. But...I just wish he would do it now. He NEEDS it now.

Am I doing the right thing by not telling his parents like he asked? Am I doing the right thing by just standing by and watching him deteriorate and then feeling guilty when he yells at me for not doing more? I just don't know anymore... I'm so stressed out, and it's not only with all of this. I'm trying to juggle my own life AND his.



....what do I do?

First of all, you have to remember that you cannot single-handedly fix your friends problems. He *does* need help.. more than you have the capability to offer. No wonder you're so stressed out! Have you tried getting ahold of a someone for some advice? Perhaps a suicide hotline? They may be able to give you some better advice as to how to deal with this. Although they may tell you to do things that goes against promises you've made to your friend. I know how hard it is because you don't want to betray his trust.

I would say, contact someone and get advice immediately. And one thing to remember, suicidal people, ones who are really considering suicide, will for the most part seem like they've gotten better shortly before they do it. They seem more at peace. So even by Friday if your friend seems to be better, he may not be. I'm not saying this to stress you out any more. Just to help you understand that this is a real sickness that needs to be treated.

Don't try to help him alone. Get some more help. If you're worried about betraying your friend, try letting him know what you're intentions are with this. At least it won't be as much of a shock.

And don't hold yourself responsible for his sickness. It is not your fault he's sick. It's not your responsibility to make him better. Just continue to be the caring friend that you are. That's really all you can do.

[Cassie]

I agree with everything Dio said, especially the last part..


And don't hold yourself responsible for his sickness. It is not your fault he's sick. It's not your responsibility to make him better. Just continue to be the caring friend that you are. That's really all you can do.
Sometimes being a caring friend means doing what you feel to be right rather than doing what your friend wants or expects. If you feel his life is in danger tell ANYONE who could speed up the chances of him getting the help he needs.

[Brenda]

I agree with Cassie and Dio.
He needs help.
As Cassie said, being a caring friend means doing what's best for him.
:hugz:

[Pandy Fackler]

Thank you all for your help.

I'm really considered going to his parents about this. Everything he's writing in his LiveJournal is just getting worse.

He doesn't want to tell his parents because he says they already went through this with him before and he doesn't want them to have to do it again; also, he doesn't want to add to their worries because his father is just now recovering from a heart attack; and also because his parents are going on a trip to Europe and he doesn't want to ruin that for them.

And he doesn't want to tell anyone else. So that leaves me here, by myself, knowing this horrible secret. I want to talk to him about telling someone else (his parents) but I'm afraid that he'll be so upset by it and just do it right then. And I don't want to do it without talking to him because I don't like feeling like I'm sneaking behind somebody's back.

He also keeps telling me that he can't trust me because I'm friends with his ex-girlfriend.

I have no idea! I just want this to end and for everyone to be okay! If he's not in a hospital by Friday, I'll tell someone unless it gets so much worse.

[LostSheep]

He leaves you with all this, and he also says he can't trust you?? I can only agree with what everyone has said; i think he's beyond what any one peson can do to help him. The guy needs professional help... this is responsibility you just shouldn't have to handle. i think all you can do for him at this stage is to let him know that you're going to be there for him if he needs you, and I'm sure you will be because you care about him. But I think it's just gone too far to expect you to be able to handle it yourself. Maybe it wouldn't be breaking any confidence if you talked to someone yourself - a counsellor or someone, or just someone whose advice you trust - and tell them about him (without naming any names), just to see what they suggest? And also for your own peace of mind, too.

[Liguana]

What a difficult situation you are in! It is not easy for a person to commit themselves unless they are already in the local mental health system, by the way. Brace yourself for the [possibility that your friend may never speak to you again and start telling people: School counselors, crisis line counselors, parents (as long as they aren't already abusive or drug addicted to the point where it would be dangerous for him if they knew). He needs help right now, not Friday. This is not something you can fix for your friend. Get professionals involved ASAP. Also, take care of yourself and realize that you can't take total responsibility for another person. You didn't cause your friends problems and you can't singlehandedly fix them. Good luck!

[Lildelaide]

I know first-hand how emotionally trying a suicidal friend can be. My best friend has been in and out of institutions for the past year, and it's painful to see everything that she's going through.

I agree that qualified help is the best answer, though I admit that the impact won't be the same if the person doesn't realise that he needs it. But not only does it give him the help that he needs right now, it also helps to take the uneccesary burden from your shoulders. As Liguana said: "You didn't cause your friends problems and you can't singlehandedly fix them." There is no reason to wear yourself out. True friends don't make each other bear our problems this way. You can help him to find the strength to commit himself, but beyond that all anyone can do is pray for him and leave the rest to the Divine. I know it's not easy, but I'll keep both you and your friend in prayer, if you like.

[starfire]

You may contact your local mental health center. There is usually one in the phone book. You can ask them for advice and information of where to go and who to contact so when Friday comes around you are armed with information. Your agreement was until Friday, so after that definitely contact someone for help.

I am not sure if contacting his parents at this point is good due to the illness you spoke about, but there are centers, and many mental health agencies that can advise you. Most people that are counselers in my area have the emergency help no. on their machine if they are nmopt available

[Pandy Fackler]

Thank you all so much for your advice and help. Honestly, I think all of you helped me to make the decision to finally take this to his parents.

They're going to get him help that I can't. And, even though he may be mad at me right now, ultimately this is how he is going to get the help he deserves and needs. Thank you all so much :)

[SilverClaw]

Honestly, I think all of you helped me to make the decision to finally take this to his parent Wishing you all the strength and best of luck talking to his parents.

[starfire]

Regardless of what happens or if he gets mad at you, you are a good friend, and did a good thing. If you hadn't, and something happened you would blame yourself and so would have others since you knew. So know that no matter what you did what you could to ensure your friend's safetly, and that is what matters

[Lildelaide]

I think you made a good choice, and I wish the best for both yourself and your friend!

[SilverClaw]

Hey Pandy I was just wondering what happend are you ok ? Did you talk to the parents if so how did it go?