Miscarriages.

[Danustouch]

This is a site which lists some of the psychological and emotional effects of Misccarriage, and it includes a wonderful prayer at the end, for those who have experienced this painful situation.

http://www.ivf.com/misc.html

[crystal_night]

Thank you so much for posting this. I had a miscarriage the end of November and my husband and I were devestated by it. We have managed to keep up a sort of front of normalcy (is that even a word?) for our nine month old son. It wasn't easy and I sometimes (and still do) just totally lose it when I get to thinking about what might have been. I am blessed with my son, and I know that in the future there will be another child, but I will always still remember the one that tried to enter our lives but had another place to go.:heartthro

[Danustouch]

I am sorry for your loss. Know that you are not alone, there are others on this board, who've posted in a couple of other threads, who have gone through just what you are going through. We're always here if you need to talk.

Best of luck to you, and blessings to your family.

[Laiste]

I am sorry for your loss Crystal! I had a miscarriage just over a year ago so I understand! Anytime you need to talk you can PM me. Blessings to you and your family. Like Danustouch said there are other links here that you might find helpful...I know I do.

Daunustouch thank you for posting that> It gave me something I think I really needed...tears...I cried my eyes out just now and I really needed to let go again. Sometimes I guess you have to bring back the pain to release it once again.

[Danustouch]

Glad it could help :)

[Draco]

I too have miscarried 2 children and 1 son was stillborn at full term. We only found out at 36 weeks that our son was not going to live after birth. I look at my beautiful 5 children that I have been blessed with and my heart breaks ( still ) for the lost love and potential of my other three beautiful souls, but I know they are good company with their G'mother who passed away 6 mnths ago.
Draco

[Myst]

I miscarried in october/november.

Not much to say about it, it's just nice to be able to say it. *shrugs*

[Danustouch]

Sometimes, miscarriages can happen so early along in the pregnancy, that many women who suffer such unfortunate events feel a great amount of difficulty talking about it, because there is a sense of "well, maybe it wasn't a miscarriage"...or ..."Since it wasn't very far along, I didn't really have time to even absorb the fact that I was pregnant...so my feelings are so unclear about it.". This is understandable...but it feels really good, when you finally voice it...finally claim the event..and say.."Yes...it did happen. And yes...losing the baby was painful". So Myst, I applaud you for your courage in coming out and saying it. And you know that if you ever need to talk about it...all you have to do is AIM me.

[Myst]

Yes, very true.

That's exactly the feelings I have sometimes. Or wondering how I can miss and agonize so much over something that was barely a flicker of a flame, you know? Thanks for the words and for being there for me. :)

[Laiste]

Myst I am sorry for your loss...Danu is right it does take courage...and it makes it "real" when you actually say it! Unfortunatly this thread will probably continue to grow and we will see how many women this happens to! Even in a small community like this it will be interesting the high percentage.

Draco i am sorry for you losses...a friend of mine lost her baby one day after he was born prematurely. I am happy to hear you have five beautiful children though...goes to show you that even if you had thirty children your heart would still ache for the ones you lost!

[Draco]

Laiste, Thank you for the kind words.Yes, you are right about the everlasting grief over the loss of an unborn child and those children who do not stay in this world for long. One of the most hurtful phrases that people said was " oh well, it's not as if you got know them " or " it's not like you had any memories". How wrong this misguided people are! 40 weeks is an eternity when a mother is carrying her unborn child. Love is timeless. Loss is forever. I do have memories and I hold them near to my heart.
It doesn't matter how far along in the pregnancy you were. You feel like you've lost a piece of your soul and your heart is broken.
And you are never quite the same again.

Draco

[Danustouch]

My situation was a little bit differen't. I got pregnant, and at the time, was working 60 hours a week, and supporting both me and my boyfriend at the time. I had just gotten over a major illness, in which I'd taken steroids, and had exrays, and other medications without knowing I was pregnant. I'd also been smoking. I started to get really bad morning sickness, and that is how I knew I was pregnant. It got so bad, that I couldn't even keep down water, and I lost about 10 pounds in about a week. I started to spot, and have really bad cramping, and when I went to the doctor, she told me I was on the verge of miscarriage. She said that if I decided to keep the baby, I'd have to be on complete bed rest, and other medications. She reccommended I have an abortion, as there was no garuntee i'd carry to term, and since my situation at the time was so very unstable, financially. I couldn't be on complete bedrest...I HAD to work, to keep a roof over my head. So...I had the abortion. But...I didn't really want to do it. I just didn't know what else to do. It was such an incredibly terrifying time. And I was so very, very ill. But..the second I knew I was pregnant, i'd already begun to "bond". It was such an amazing feeling knowing that there was a child inside me. And before I could have the abortion, the doctor performed an ultrasound, and sonogram, and unfortunately, I saw the fetus. So..it was very hard to have the abortion, seeing that baby inside me.

I believe that I did the right thing for me...because being pregnant was at the time, putting my life in jeapardy (being as ill as I was, after just recovering from another major illness..and having high blood pressure as a result of the meds i'd been on for the previous illness), And because even if I carried to term, there was a good possibility the child would have major birth defects.

However, believing that I did the right thing, doesn't stop the questions from happening. "Did I do the right thing?" "could there have been a miracle in the pregnancy, and would it have turned out ok?" "Did I fully explore my options?"..."Will I ever have the opportunity to have a child again?"..."Was it wrong?"..."Does the spirit of the fetus forgive me...did he/she reincarnate into some other womans womb who could provide better for it?", etc. Those are all thoughts that haunt me. And unfortunately, the abortion itsself was very traumatic. My Doctor didn't give me any anesthesia, as she said I was dilated enough (and yet, I was screaming in pain during the procedure), She left me there, with blood on the table for a half hour after the procedure, and a few days afterwards, I was still bleeding really heavily, with some really abnormally large clots. I also went through some traumatic experiences with born again christian coworkers finding out from my boss that I'd had an abortion, and leaving christian tracts on my desk which said.."Abortion is Murder", and other things. So..it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. The most traumatic. Especially, since I've always wanted children, and believe I'll be a wonderful mother, if ever given the opportunity again.

Yet, when it was all said and done, since I made the choice to get an abortion, there were very few people i could talk to about it who would understand. My boyfriend at the time, blamed me, and kept saying things like.."Well..you had your chance to have a baby.". etc. My Mom just couldnt talk about it. My friends, who were actually "on my side" so to speak kept just saying..."you made the right choice. You did the right thing.", and to me, that sounded almost like..."So..why are you having so much pain over it..just move on".

So..it's been very difficult to come to terms with what happened, because it felt like I never really had anyone to talk to about it. Anyone who understood.

In time, I did a ceremony for the unborn child...and went through the grieving process...and somewhat came to terms with my choice. But..it was not easy. Every year, on the anniversary of my abortion (which is an easy day to remember, as it was St. Patricks day, several years ago), I light a candle for the unborn child. It's helped me to get "Past" it, but...I'll never forget it, or really stop hurting over it. I've just learned to cope with it. They are far differen't things.

So...what happened to me, was kind of a mix of Miscarriage, and Abortion. So I identify with people who have had miscarriages, and can understand the pain. And I've also become much more sensitive to people who have had abortions..for whatever reason. Sometimes, the reasons are so complicated, and I can't stand the thought of anyone condemning anyone for their decision, without knowing all the details of "Why" the decision was reached.

[Angelwulfe]

oh danus i'm so sorry for your loss and everyone else who posted here. i apploud all of you for having the courage to talk about it.

[Niamh]

Thank You.
A very close friend of mine is this very moment struggling with the choice between having a DNC or allowing a natural miscarriage to occur. I think she's going in for a DNC but feels great pain and guilt over it. She knows that the child within is no longer growing or alive, yet part of her doesn't want to believe that. Reading this thread (as well as looking at the link) has helped me to better understand what she's going through. Thanks.

[Danustouch]

Niamh...

Each woman finds comfort, during these times in different' ways. One of the things which helped me get past it, was my belief in reincarnation. I believe that at the moment that I terminated the pregnancy through DNC, the baby's soul was reincarnated into a situation which was far better for it, and its' new mother. However, I really don't know the details of your friends issue...so I don't know if that would help. But I think the reason that my belief in reincarnation was so very important for me, during that time, is that I, too, was feeling a great depth of guilt over the issue. Believing that my baby could be reborn in someone in far better health than I was at the time, and a person far better equipped to deal with it, helped absolve some of that guilt. I do hope your friend comes to terms with whatever has happened, inside her body. It is a very painful and confusing time. Just be supportive, and be a shoulder to lean on. Chances are, she'll simply need to vent all of her feelings, and have a sounding board for them. Simple words like.."I'm so sorry honey. I'm here for you though, whenever you need to talk" can do a world of good.

Often, in these situations, the very worst thing we can do, is offer advice. Instead, it is much better, to offer our hearts, and our ears:) Thank you for being such a concerned friend, for this woman who is facing such a difficult time :)

[Niamh]

Thank you, Danu.

Right now she needs to be alone, and I respect that. I told her I'd be here when she needs me; whether it's tonight after work, or at 2:00 in the morning.
Thanks.

[Danustouch]

Niamh..how is your friend doing??? She's still in my thoughts.

[Niamh]

Danu-
I PM'd you about it.
-Niamh

[Danustouch]

I'm sorry Niamh. I meant to respond to you, but at first, I was looking for the right advice...and then...I lost track of it. :( Bad Me!

I think your friend just needs time. I'll try to write you about it tomorrow...sorry it's been so long...i've had ALOT going on lately.

[Niamh]

Don't worry! I understand!

[Niamh]

Not sure if I should start a new thread or not, but I need a little advice. ANy responses would be greatly appreciated.

I have an aquaintance who lost her baby on Wednesday (March 27th), and I just heard about it today (Saturday). THe baby was due in mid-June, and they weren't able to save her.

My question is this: I want to send something to the couple, but what? Are flowers appropriate? I've never had children, and do not know what would be proper, or what might upset them.

Any input would help me. I don't have any close friends who have been through this, and so I don't have any insight into how difficult, emotional, etc. this is for the couple.

Thank you.

[Danustouch]

I would send them a card, and ask if there is any where you can make a donation to, in their childs honor.

If not..then I think flowers would be appropriate. You might also think of making a casserole, or something, and dropping it off at the house, so that they will not have to cook for a couple of days. You might want to offer to help them out with any cleaning/cooking that might need to be done...too.

I am so sorry to hear about your friends loss. :(

[Danustouch]

Niamh...

How is your friend doing? Any word yet?

[Niamh]

Thanks!

And no, no word from the other one. But I'm not surprised.