Feedback would be appreciated...

[Lavender]

Every Monday, my son has a set of spelling words that the class is supposed to work on each week. This week, he said they didn't get any. I believed him because of the upcoming teacher's strike & other classroom upheavals, its possible. Today, I found out that he lied. We talked about it at breakfast & I think he was more upset that I was dissappointed in him. When we got to the whys, one reason was that he had forgotten about them on Monday. By Tuesday, he thought his dad would be mad & yell at him for forgetting. It got to the point that he had to keep the lie up or else get into trouble. We've discussed what would be a suitable punishment but I said that I wanted to discuss this with his dad when we all get home tonight.

I've been thinking about this all day. On one hand, I don't want to condone his lying to us. On the other hand, I'm more upset that he feels that he couldn't be honest & say that he forgot. Tomorrow night, his dad's going to take him to the Monster Truck show - something he was really looking forward to. One thing he suggested as a punishment was to miss this show. Frankly, I'm surprised that he would offer to give this up. Somehow, I feel it's partly our fault too. I'm feeling guilty that maybe I was not a good a parent as I could have been.

I would love some feedback on this.

[Myst]

You know the fact that you're dealing with this so carefully and calmly proves to me you are not in any way, shape, or form a bad mom. And the fact that he came up with such a punishment? Wow, looks like he's really sorry for what he's done and yet honest and responsible.

Does he have a notebook he writes these words in to work on? If so, and if this were me, I'd let him know that he's breached my trust and that from now on if he told me he had no words he would have to show me a note from the teacher saying so. I'd also clear this with the teacher. My mom used to tell me she was much more disappointed then I lied then she could be angry about what I did. You might tell him that and also that you're going to give him the opportunity to prove you can trust him now, and next time dole out the big punishment if something happens.

That's just my opinion and I don't have children and therefore maybe shouldn't mention it.

At any rate, he seems like a very bright and responsible little boy who just made a small mistake. Kudos to you for being such a great mom.

[Danustouch]

Well..I've always believed that the punishment should fit the crime. Since he lied about his spelling homework...why not give him a few extra words to learn...and have him write them out about twenty times each?

[Arduinna]

Hi Wildchild,

I think you you a great job. Your right that it's important for him to understand that you need to know what's going on with his school work, and that lying about it isn't right. It sounds like he realized also that the lying didn't work, because you found out anyway.

I don't think he lied so much because he was afraid to tell you, meaning that your unapproachable. I think it was more that, children want their parents to think well of them, he didn't want you be disappointed that he made a bad decision. So sounds like he knows it was wrong.

I think your talk was great, it sounds like he really understood. Not all mistakes deserve a formal punishment. I know my daughter has lied to me in the past for similar reasons. The talk, and sending her to her room to think about it was enough. I think not letting him go to the truck show would be excessive.

Unless he has been a habitual liar in the past, I wouldn't make him get notes signed from the teacher. It sounds like he made a poor decision, not that he's not worthy of your trust. I think the note signing would only make him feel worse about himself.

Of course he's not my child, and I wasn't there. You know what the right punishment is, or if the talk was all he needed this time.

Good Luck

[Lavender]

Thanks everyone! We had our family talk before dinner tonight & it went well. As everyone said, the fact we were dissappointed was punishment enough for him. We decided to let him go to the show tomorrow night. Also, great suggestion, Myst, about the note signing. I mentioned that to him that if this happens again, we may go that route. I don't think he would want that.

My first thought was OH NO! My son think's we're unapproachable! He's scared of us! And all sorts of bad things went through my mind. I also told him that as parents, we're humans too & capable of making human mistakes. Sometimes, we do react by yelling & getting mad but it doesn't mean that we don't care about him. I told him that in the future if he thinks he has to tell us something that would make us mad, just say don't get mad, mom/dad, I don't want to lie to you but I don't want you to yell at me.

The one good thing about tonight is that my husband finally realized that the two of them are sooo much alike! He's going to try not to overeact as much. Heh! It's a good thing I'm not much of the yelling type. :)

*deep breathe!*

[Faery-Wings]

Wildchild- it sounds like everything went well. I am glad. Your son sounds like a doll and you can tell that he fully understood what he did wrong by offering to give up the truck show.

I think the best thing to do was to talk and let him know you were disappointed. We went through this last week with my son. He was getting stickers every time he unpacked his backpack and picked up papers from his mailbox and got to the rug on time. And he lied one day about doing it and we caught him. We told him that we were disappointed in him too. Of course, he is just five, so we will see how much sinks in.

You and your hubby don't sound unapproachable at all. Quite the oppposite!

Chris

[Chibi-Fallon]

My parents have done the whole "we're disappointed in you" thing to me my whole life. And unfortunately it's very effective (at least on me). Since they don't punish me with a formal grounding or anything I can't really be mad at them. My parents don't believe in the whole grounding thing (which is really nice).